Instead of going into marriage thinking of ways your husband should meet your needs (emotional, mental, physical…) whatever they may be, go into marriage thinking of ways to be the best help meet suitable to him that you can be
Facebook May be an image of 2 people, people standing and text that says ‘The Transformed Wife @thetransformedwife Instead of going into marriage thinking of ways your husband should meet your needs (emotional, mental, physical…) whatever they may be, go into marriage thinking of ways to be the best help meet suitable to him that you can be, and ways to love him more deeply and serve him sacrificially. This is far better way to begin marriage. Expectations destroy marriages. Kick them out the door!’
Bill TaylorGod loves us and carefully designed men and women so that we can give each other great joy if we do marriage His way. Marriage is simpler than we think. This short paper analyzes the ONE VERSE which tells us a simple way to build a marriage that gives both parties a taste of the joys of heaven, right here on earth.https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/…/what-drove…
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Marriage Explained in One Verse
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her.
· She became his wife because they had made public marriage vows before he took her.
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but doing it is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him, but this requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation as taught in the Song of Solomon.
80-90% of how a marriage works out depends on how a man treats his wife after they marry, but 80% of that depends on how high she and he set her value by protecting her virtue before they marry (Pr. 31:10).
ISAAC SUPPLIED THE TENT
Most women delight in a man’s attention. A woman can easily become emotionally involved with a man who claims to love her. Playing boy-girl games when you aren’t ready for marriage is like playing with matches and gasoline when you don’t want to start a fire. People aren’t toys, and playing with each other before you’re mature enough to think of a permanent marriage partner can lead to serious emotional damage.
There are only three ways it can turn out, all of them are bad:
1) You can break up. This hurts, but shows you can survive breaking up. This prepares you for divorce later.
2) You can marry before you’re mature enough or have enough income. Mature adults have troubles with the duties and responsibilities of marriage, and marriage is far harder on younger people.
3) You can get involved physically without commitment to each other, which adds to the emotional damage.
The teen years and early twenties are a time for striving to learn what you must know to join the ranks of productive, responsible adults; it’s not a time to wish you were already grown up. Isaac was 40 years old (Gen. 5:20) and had enough money to support Rebecca when he married her. This is a husband’s duty.
Jesus spoke of His servants being obliged to do their duty to Him:
So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. Luke 17:10
When God gives a woman to a man to be his wife, God expects him to nourish and cherish her (Eph 5:29).
HE TOOK REBEKAH
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her
. Genesis 29:21
A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her. Marriage is wonderful enough to be worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: 19The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: I Corinthians 7:9a
Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” The man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her. Naomi gave Ruth the best advice on getting marriage you’ll ever hear:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter
, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth brought it up, it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. What if a woman gives him rest outside marriage? Her value falls (Pr. 31:10). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else?
SHE BECAME HIS WIFE
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication
: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour
; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter
: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. I Thessalonians 4:3-8
Some say that this refers to a man possessing his own body, but “vessel” in “as unto the weaker vessel (1 Pe. 3:7)” describes something that receives. In marriage, the man’s body gives and the woman’s body receives. Jesus said that a man and wife were “no more twain, but one flesh.” It doesn’t matter which body the passage refers to; there’s only one body in a Christian marriage.
A man sanctifies a woman, that is, sets her apart from all other women, by entering into Holy Matrimony with her before taking her. How often do we hear of a man persuading a woman to fulfill his lusts by claiming to love her? Without the sanctification of marriage, taking a woman is sinful lust which God calls “fraud.” This despises God and God will avenge this by denying the man most of the joy which God intended for marriage.
We know from news about dates gone wrong that being defrauded by being taken outside marriage can harm a woman badly and make her bitter. God gives a man the desire of his heart when he takes a woman through lying to her, but defrauding her and taking advantage of her brings leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15). Fraud followed by bitterness isn’t a good foundation for marriage. The situation can’t improve unless the man takes responsibility for defrauding her and confesses his sin to her and to their parents.
The Bible uses “took to wife (Gen. 26:34, 1 Ki. 16:31, 1 Chr. 7:15)” to indicate that the man married the woman before taking her. The Bible warns four times that opening herself to a man humbles a woman (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). The chemicals a man injects into her body make her brain produce hormones that affect her thinking. She becomes much more relaxed. She’ll lose her sense of independence and feel a desire to cling to him and to belong to him. This makes her feel vulnerable and dependent. This can be very frightening even if he’s made her feel secure, appreciated, and valued by marrying her before taking her and by opening his heart to her enough that she’s confident that he belongs to her.
If a man takes a woman outside marriage, she knows he failed to protect her from his passions as Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent. It is very difficult for a woman to follow a man whom she can’t trust.
ISAAC LOVED REBEKAH
Older women are told to teach younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4) because men are very much alike – what comforts one man will make pretty much any man feel loved, and it’s simple enough that the Bible explains it in one verse. There is no simple formula for making a wife feel loved because women are so different from each other, but the Bible describes the result. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye when sending them back to their families to find husbands, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without modern machinery. In a muscle-powered society with no “safety net,” wives depend on husbands for food. Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that they were valued and appreciated by their husbands as taught in the Song of Solomon.
Watching a couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
: Eat and drink
, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee
. Proverbs 23:7
A man can claim he loves a woman and provide for her without giving his heart to her. Naomi wanted each daughter to find an appreciative husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7). What was Delilah’s complaint against Samson?
And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me
? Judges 16:15a
The woman in the Song is confident that her husband has opened his heart enough to belong to her:
My beloved is mine
, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine
: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her and wouldn’t belong to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but she could see that he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her (Song 2:16)? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader, a story that happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. What she did wasn’t nice, but who betrayed whom first?
Women share their hearts routinely in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14). They have a hard time understanding that it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as for a woman to open her body. A man’s emotions are as powerful as a woman’s. Japanese say “One hair of a woman’s head pulls more strongly than ten yoke of oxen” and Chinese say that a man in love rides a wild horse. Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death
; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare a man. Although he may declare his love to her, he may not admit his love to himself.
Having created Peter, Jesus knew how Peter felt. Peter had seen Jesus weeping and grieving over the cities of Israel (Mt. 11:23, 23:37, Lk. 10:15, 13:34). Peter did not want the sorrow of loving people and seeing them fall away (Jn. 11:35) so he hid his emotions from himself.
John 21:15-19 tells how Jesus asked three times whether Peter loved Jesus. Peter finally admitted to filios, brotherly love. Did Jesus’ questions make Peter love Him? No, Peter already loved Jesus – he wept bitterly when he betrayed Jesus (Mt. 26:75) – but he didn’t want to feel his love, knowing how love can lead to sorrow.
If a man won’t admit to himself that he loves his wife enough to be hurt by her, he can’t convince her he loves her and she won’t be able to comfort him as he expects. Opening herself to him makes her more sensitive to his feelings about her. If he values her skills, feelings, thoughts, and everything else about her, feeling loved more strongly makes her happy. She won’t mind being humbled and will be glad to see him delight in her. If she doesn’t think he’s pleased with her, she won’t want to be more sensitive to his feelings.
A woman has a thousand thousand ways to deflect her husband’s desire, but the fault is generally his. She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. The secret of a man finding happiness in marriage is to convince his wife that he’s truly happy with her. That will make her happy with him which makes him happy. The Song of Songs starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
She likes getting physical because he appreciates her. Husbands and wives want to please each other:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife
. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband
. I Corinthians 7:32-34 *
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
Women are made for men, so a wife generally cares more about pleasing her husband than he cares about pleasing her. The Book of Proverbs warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24, 27:15) that an unhappy wife is a hardship; many say, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones
. Proverbs 17:22
Men, don’t dry your wife’s bones. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to please you? She can’t please you if she doesn’t know what you want. The only way she can be confident of pleasing you is for you to open your heart enough for her to learn your ways in detail.
When a woman finds she can’t please her husband no matter how she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photos. Men, if you want to be happy in marriage, be happy with your wife. That makes her happy. There is no joy this side of Heaven that compares with having your wife be happy in belonging to you.
AND THEN HE WAS COMFORTED
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
His desire seems strange to her, so the wife asks her mother for advice about her husband:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me
: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is the definition of submission. She has far more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he’ll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28).
A man can’t praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her. Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.
How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and appreciated each other constantly instead? That is the essence of the Song.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A married woman takes on the yoke of pleasing her husband. He’s commanded to dwell with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7). The only way to get this knowledge is by hours and hours of daily open-hearted conversation. This will open his heart to her enough to make his yoke easy and his burden light and convince her that he belongs to her as taught in the Song.
Courtship shows whether he trusts her (Pro. 31:11) enough to truly open his heart and he finds out whether she respects him and honors him (Eph. 5:33, 1 Pe. 3:6) in spite of his mistakes. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as his precious gift from God and she acts like his precious gift from God.
A young man is pursuing your daughter. What do you tell him?
Jesus told us that men marry; women are given in marriage (Lk. 20:34). A wife is a gift from God to her groom (Lk. 17:27). You should do your best to be sure the groom is prepared to lead your daughter so that he will receive the full blessing God intends in giving him a wife.
Christian marriage is incredibly simple. God doesn’t see our sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12, I Cor. 6:11).
God’s gift of grace means that He and His Son treat us as if we’re perfect (Romans 8:1, Ephesians 5:25-27, note “without blemish”).
Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:12, Is. 43:25, Hebrews 10:17, Eph. 5:25-27). When God washes away our sins (Hebrews 9:14, 10:19-22), what’s left is perfect. Ephesians 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God treats us as perfect, so we must follow God and treat our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, tell everyone your spouse is perfect for you (Song 6:9), and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6).
Marriage prospers if the husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas 1:17). He’s to serve, love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29, Song 4:7, 6:9) as perfect, she’s to serve him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33 Col. 3:18) even though neither of them deserve the other! Is he prepared to forgive your daughter as God forgives him? Can she forgive?
That’s simple, but “simple” doesn’t mean “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but it’s far from easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a short stroll across a continent.
THE REWARDS OF MARRIAGE
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight in belonging to him as the wife in the Song of Solomon delights in belonging to her husband. Assuming he’s saved and has found a job which can support her and a place to house her (Ge. 24:67), you’ll want to point out Biblical ideas to help him receive all the joy God intended for marriage (Ecc. 9:9, Pr. 5:18-19, Pr. 30-18-19).
Nourishing and cherishing a wife as God expects is a lot of work; it’s important that he be strongly drawn to her. The time will come when she’s got the flu, she’s pregnant out to here, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she’s too sick to do anything about it. If he’s as smitten with her as the husband in the Song, he’ll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.
The story of the talents (Lk. 19) teaches that Our Lord holds us accountable for how we administer the gifts He gives us (I Cor. 12:1-18). God expects a husband to know his wife’s God-given gifts and to encourage her to develop and use them for His glory as they glorify God together (I Peter 3:7).
The Jews were exiled to Babylon when they didn’t fulfill God’s conditions. They didn’t keep His law (Je. 32:23) and they didn’t give the land its Sabbaths (II Chr. 36:21). God formed your daughter from her mother’s womb to be His good and perfect gift (Jas. 1:7, Mt. 7:11, I Cor. 11:9) to her husband. You want your son-in-law to fulfill God’s conditions so he can receive the full blessing of receiving your daughter as an unmerited gift from God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.
The Old Testament explains how. Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel received from his mother. She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:
· Don’t mess with women (Pr. 31:3).
· Don’t abuse mind-altering substances (Pr. 31:4-5).
· Take care of your people when they’re hurting (Pr. 31:6-7).
· Treat your people fairly (Pr. 31:8-9).
He can’t fulfill the last two without building open, loving relationships. How else can he distinguish between needy and lazy, the good and the glib? Mrs. Lemuel’s wisdom helps him in any path he walks.
She also told her son what to expect from the virtuous wife you have trained your daughter to be:
· She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life (Pr. 31:12). He must explain what he regards as good so she can follow him. That’s another reason for him to open his heart to her (1 Pe. 3:7).
· The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her (Pr. 31:11, Pr. 12:4). Many men won’t admit their emotions even to themselves for fear of being hurt. Jesus had to force the Apostle Peter to admit that Peter loved Christ (Jn. 15:21-17). Will he not only admit his love for your daughter to himself, but communicate it daily to her? It’s easier for a woman to follow a man when she knows he loves her.
· She openeth up her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr.31:26, Pr. 12-18). God expects her words to always be health to him (Pr. 12:18) so he’ll want to hear what she has to say.
Mrs. Lemuel then outlined God’s terms and conditions so that her son could receive the blessing:
· Teach his children, by telling them and by showing them, to praise and appreciate her every action and her never-ending labor on behalf of her home (Pr. 31:28).
· Praise her as a uniquely wonderful wife who “excelleth them all” (Pr. 31:29). The Song explains how.
· She works mostly in the home, so he must praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31), at home, and at church.
LEADING IN MEEKNESS
Having given him your daughter to be his wife, God gives him authority over her, his children, and his home. Jesus told us to exercise authority meekly (Mk. 9:35, Mk. 10:42-45, II Tim. 2:24-25) in any role.
God gave Moses authority to get water by speaking to the rock (Nu. 20:7-12). Moses exceeded his authority and struck the rock. Moses’ acting in anger instead of in meekness (Nu. 12:3) abused the authority God had given him and cost him the blessing of entering the Promised Land (II Tim. 2:24-25).
Parents labor to teach children never to react in anger by age 2 or 3 (Pr. 22:24, 25:28, 29:22). We teach them to relate, discuss, share, and care about the other person (Phil. 2:3). Did his parents teach him this? His view of your daughter will be very important to her after they’re married. She won’t be able to love him as much as she wants to love him if he hurts her with his words (Pr. 12:18, 22:24).
He decides whether he trusts her enough to open his heart to her to learn about her and dwell according to knowledge as God commands (I Pe. 3:7) during courtship. God rewards this – hours and days of open-hearted conversation which give him knowledge of her teaches her about him. This makes his yoke easy and her burden light (Mt. 11:29-30), giving her rest unto her soul (Ru. 1:9). Once she rests in confidence that she pleases him (I Co. 7:34), she can make him happy in ways he would never imagine to command.
God constructed women’s brains to think so differently that it takes hours and hours of daily conversation for her to understand him well enough to follow him and to please him. A woman can’t obey or follow what she doesn’t understand. Women who conclude that they can’t please their husbands die inside. We see death in their eyes, even in photographs. You don’t want that for your daughter.
HOW IS HIS WALK WITH GOD?
Does he truly believe that God is good? Most Christians say that, but few search the Bible for keys to happiness. When God created the heavens and the earth, the only “not good” was Adam being alone. After God created Eve to help Adam, it was all “very good.” Does he believe that in his bones?
“Help” comes from ezer, as in “from whence cometh my ezer (Ps. 121:1).” A wife is a valuable help, but she needs to understand him to know how to help, and that takes hours of daily conversation for years, even after children are born. It’s virtually impossible for her to rejoice in meeting his physical needs unless he meets her needs for emotional connection. She sees what he wants as vain repetition, just as he sees her talk.
Men think women want to talk about the same old thing, women think men want to do the same old thing. Both wonder why the other party isn’t bored. God made them different!
WILL HE APPRECIATE HER AS GOD MADE HER?
Many foolish men think that God made women incorrectly; that’s why He commanded “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” Agapao is an imperative act of will. Will he obey? Can his tongue be health to her (Pr. 12:18, 15:1) when he’s frustrated (Pr. 25:28) or when he’s been too busy to give her the emotional support she needs by talking about her concerns (Phil. 2:4, He. 13:16)?
The Bible describes the wife as the weaker vessel (I Pe. 3:7). Whatever he does or does not do to her, he does or does not do to Christ (Mt. 25:40, Mt. 25:45). Does he know this? Does he believe it? Will he act on it?
When God, the stronger party, offered His covenant, Abraham, the weaker party, gave up his animals to provide blood to seal God’s berith. A berith is one-sided; it bound God no matter how Abraham’s descendants abused the covenant. When your daughter accepts his berith, she gives up her innocence to provide the blood to seal her husband’s (Mal. 2:14) berith for herself and for her children forever.
Does he value stories in the OT “for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition (I Cor. 10:10-11)?” Nowhere in the entire Bible does a husband criticize his wife. Not once. Will he teach his children to honor and appreciate the effort that goes into making food (Pr. 31:18), even if they don’t like a particular dish?
Does he know that God sometimes speaks to a man through his helpmeet (Jud. 13:2-13, Mt. 27:19)?
The Bible commands older women to instruct the younger. Ruth accepted Naomi’s advice even though she had been married and knew about men. Naomi gave her the best possible advice how to get married (Ru. 3:18). The wife in the Song asked her mother and got the best possible advice how to stay married (Song 8:3).
My wife tells young ladies that a husband dreams of 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his dream (Ge. 29:21). Girls who’ve never dated somehow know that a husband’s drive will be invasive, messy, and take away all independence. Rebekah knew Isaac’s agenda would have a major emotional impact on her. She veiled herself to get a little space (Ge. 24:64-65).
Giving herself to her husband is the foundation of submission. What drives a man to marry (Ge. 29:21) and to come home (Song 2:8)? What does “took to wife (Ge. 26:24, Ex. 2:1, I Ki. 16:31, I Chron. 7:15)” mean?
If a wife welcomes her husband’s advances, encourages him when he hasn’t asked, tells him, “I like your seed. Let’s do that again as soon as you can” as the spirit moves her, both he and she will be convinced that she belongs to him. That makes it hard for women at work to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he’s more vulnerable to temptation and they’re likely to get burned (Pro. 6:27).
God was serious in saying that it was not good for a man to be alone; men generally die before their wives. A wife can shorten her widowhood by keeping her husband healthy. She can say, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape.” The more he exercises and the healthier he eats, the longer he’ll live.
God made men possessive. If she convinces him that she’s truly his, he’ll tend to take care of her. If her happiness is his, he’ll find that making her happy makes him happier than anything he can do for himself. Solomon’s labor was vanity and chasing wind because he did it for himself. “I gat me, I builded me….” If he dedicates his work and his life to nourishing his wife, children, and church, his work won’t be vain at all.
AND THEY TWAIN SHALL BE ONE FLESH: SO THEN THEY ARE NO MORE TWAIN, BUT ONE FLESH. (MK. 10:8)
Her husband must make this possible. Giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10). It calms her, takes away her independence, and makes her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s angry or unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel that more strongly and will try to evade him. If, on the other hand, he works as hard as the husband in the Song to convince her that he rejoices in her to the point that he doesn’t see others as women, only as people, she’ll rejoice in his joy as she gives herself to him.
This affects the way she walks, the way she talks, and her facial expressions. Anyone can see it.
God designed women so that a wife multiplies whatever her husband gives her and reflects it back to him.
Think about making babies. He gives his wife one tiny cell. She nourishes what he gave her within herself and gives him a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of that baby has his mark in it (Gen. 5:3). If he gives her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if he gives her a girl cell, she makes a girl. We reap what we sow:
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
Wives demonstrate this. God gave your daughter sensitive emotions so that a she wants her husband to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether he’s pleased or not. Her emotions make her into a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex his soul to death (Jud. 16:16), multiply his unhappiness, and give all his unhappiness back to him. If he gives her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness he gives her and fill his house with the light of his joy in her. Men reap what they sow to their wives, very quickly.
Whatever he feels about her determines how she fills his house. Sow a boy cell, reap a boy. Sow a cell of love; reap a house full of love. The secret of happiness in marriage is to be happy with his wife so she can multiply his happiness and reflect it back to him.
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight in belonging to him, but he must give her a lot to rejoice about (Ecc. 9:9). Marriage prospers if a man treats his wife as God’s precious unmerited gift from God and from her, and she acts like God’s gift to him.
Can he look your daughter in the eye now, before marriage, and tell her, “For God so loved man that he gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If he can say that, and mean it, and act on it, she will be happy in belonging to him.
There is no joy this side of heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to hi, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently
God made males and females different to help us be fruitful and multiply. Instead of trusting that a good God knew what He was doing when He created us, many men and women complain that God made their spouses wrong. Women complain that men are too possessive, too controlling, and can’t find anything in a refrigerator. Men complain that women are too emotional and talk too much.
God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her (1 Pe. 3:7). Very few women or men can explain their thought processes. This chapter discusses the way male and female brains work to give couples a basis for sharing the way they think. Understanding draws them closer.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply
, Genesis 1:27-28a
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou [Adam] eat bread, Genesis 3:19a
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, Genesis 24:67a
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house
, I Timothy 5:14a
God told Adam to live by the sweat of his face without mentioning Eve. Isaac supplied the tent where his wife would live. A husband provides food, clothing and shelter for his wife who guides their house. God created women to help their husbands (Gen. 2:18, 20), and the Bible values multiple sources of advice:
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. Proverbs 15:22
A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and counsel when making decisions. Even if her ideas aren’t always practical, her ideas may stimulate his thoughts and help make better decisions. In our decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion to get all the facts, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are understood.
The benefits of knowledge sharing are great. That’s one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24).
God designed men and women to think differently. I saw my mother’s mind work when a baby cried in the next apartment. The hormones of pregnancy make a mother sensitive to a baby’s cry[14]. My mother couldn’t stand the baby’s distress. She knocked, said, “Can I help you,” and picked up the baby.
Hormones on a woman’s skin affect a baby’s brain[15]. The mother’s hormones of fear made her baby afraid. My mother’s calmer hormones made the baby stop crying from fear and start crying about what was wrong. Mom showed the mother how to fix it. God designed women’s hearing to be sensitive to baby noises but it takes teaching and experience for a mother to learn to deal with the sounds of her baby.
HOW WOMEN THINK
When men complain that women think emotionally, women feel that men believe that women don’t think at all. This makes them unhappy and unwilling to try to explain how they think, which lowers decision quality.
Dismissing women’s thoughts goes back to the Greek philosophers who gave us forward and backward chaining which doctors use. The doctor collects facts – blood pressure, temperature, weight, height, and your history. You describe your symptoms. The doctor “forward chains” from the facts and guesses what’s wrong.
Suppose the doctor thinks you have pellagra. If that’s true, you’ll have other symptoms. The doctor “backward chains” from the guess and orders tests to see if you have the expected symptoms. “We need more tests” means that the guess was wrong, backward chaining failed, but they now have more facts. They’ve forward chained to another guess for which backward chaining needs more facts. It is easy to explain conclusions found through forward and backward chaining.
Greeks also gave us Aristotelian logic – if A is true, not A is false. When Rome conquered Greece, they learned geometry and logic. They couldn’t have built roads or bridges without these intellectual tools.
These ways of thinking are so useful that men tend to believe that their way is the only way to think. When the Greek philosophers came down from their lofty discussions of logic, they found that the women whom they’d left guiding the house didn’t think that way. Instead of seeing that there was another way to think, they assumed that women didn’t think at all. Modern men are no better at valuing women’s thoughts.
Women think holistically, which means “involving or emphasizing the whole.” Everything in the house and everyone she knows is connected to everything else like a multidimensional picture in her mind. This helps a woman find things and makes it easier for her to fit each new baby into the family.
My wife once saw a group of kids running. That child’s hurt!” she exclaimed even though we were too far away to identify any. One child had a sprained ankle and been given crutches but didn’t want to use them. The way that child ran disturbed my wife. Being able to see or hear one wrong note in a complex situation helps raise children – a choking baby needs help now no matter what else the mother is doing.
This Smithsonian article[16] describes motherhood “as an unseen and poorly understood cellular-level revolution that rebuilds the female brain.” A high-level executive was amazed to find herself watching her newborn wave and kick for hours on end. Her brain was learning normal movement so that if her child was hurt, she would immediately see that something was wrong and take care of it.
A holistic situational sense can protect women from bigger, stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” urges us to pay attention to our feelings. Many women who’d been robbed or raped reported feeling uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. His book said we should pay attention when we feel something’s wrong. Judges 16:18 teaches that a woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks.
IT CAN BE HARD TO EXPLAIN
My wife’s father respected her thoughts as given of God to fulfill God’s instructions to marry and have children, but he insisted that she try as hard as she could to explain her feelings. That helped me as I learned how to care for her. She told me many things about herself and her thoughts which were so helpful that we wrote them down for our granddaughter[17].
Even with decades of practice, it can be hard for her to explain. A friend was in the hospital for heart surgery. His washing machine failed. My wife offered to do his wife’s laundry and bought 2 laundry carriers. When I asked why she hadn’t put the clothes in a trash bag, she said she hadn’t thought of it. I knew that wasn’t the reason but she couldn’t explain. The next day she told me her friend folded dirty laundry in the pile waiting to be washed! Her friend would be unhappy if clean clothes came back jumbled in a bag. With her husband in the hospital, my wife didn’t want to add to her stress. She knew this without knowing how she knew until she figured it out the next day. As Prof. Chomsky said, “Experts don’t think – they know!”
When researchers used computers for Artificial Intelligence (AI), they began with forward and backward chaining. This gave us “expert systems” whose conclusions could be explained. As AI advanced to “deep learning,” computers reach conclusions we can’t understand. “Can we let algorithm take decisions we cannot explain?[18]” points out that unexplained decisions make people nervous, just as men get nervous when a woman reaches a strongly-held conclusion she can’t explain and which makes no sense to them.
HOW GOD DID THIS
Research shows that men and women have different verbal[19] and spatial reasoning[20] skills. God gave male and female brains the same basic structure and the same brain cells but the connections are different.
“Men’s and Women’s Brains Are Wired Differently, but What Does It Mean?[21]”
The brain is split into two halves, called hemispheres. Verma’s study found that men have more connections within each hemisphere of the cerebrum, linking the regions for planning and decision-making with the regions for sight and speech.
Women, on the other hand, have more connections between each hemisphere, allowing the two halves of the brain to share information more easily. In the cerebellum, the brain’s physics and motion calculator, the opposite was true—men had more connections between the two hemispheres, and women had more connections within each hemisphere.
The study found minimal gender differences in children under the age of 13, but the differences were much more distinct by age 17. Many brain wiring changes occur during puberty, and men and women seem to develop differently. [emphasis added]
“Brain Facts To Know And Share: Men Have A Lower Percentage Of Gray Matter Than Women[22]”
Did you know women have a higher percentage of gray matter than men? And, not only do men have more white matter, percentage-wise, they also have more cerebrospinal fluid.
According to the researchers, the “results suggest that male brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action, whereas female brains are designed to facilitate communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes.” [emphasis added]
“Intuitive processing modes” may be what helps women find things in the refrigerator better than men can. A woman married without seeing her husband’s house. “The living room was full of tires,” she said. A man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them. “It took a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went slowly and carefully instead of just taking over his house. As he learned to trust her to find socks, underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Our brain cells connect into “neural clusters” which store memories, hear sounds, process images the eyes see, and do many other things to keep us alive. The way brain cells connect determines how the brain operates. Hormones carried in the blood to the brain also affect thinking. The adrenalin rush to the brain in times of fear can bring tunnel vision to focus on the threat and help you see more clearly[23]. A woman’s hormones change during pregnancy and during her monthly cycle; this also affects her brain.
“Hormonal Influences on Cognitive Function[24]”
Hormones are the chemical regulators of the human body and function critically to maintain various processes, such as growth, emotions and even cognition. Numerous studies have examined the relationship between hormonal effects and cognitive function; these studies have investigated different factors, such as aging, pregnancy, post-natal states, emotions and stress. Different types of hormones produce different outcomes for the human body and mind.
… sexual hormones … are commonly associated with cognitive function …
“Menstruation And The Female Brain: How Fluctuating Hormone Levels Impact Cognitive Function”[25]
Days before your period you may feel as if you’re walking around in a mental fog. During premenstrual syndrome (PMS), hormones begin to fluctuate and alter the levels of brain chemicals that keep you balanced and alert, but what exactly happens to the brain during your period?
Usually, after the first few days, there will be a surge of estrogen levels that will stimulate the release of endorphins that eliminate the mental change or hormonal cloud present during PMS.
“Estrogen levels are closely linked with women’s emotional well-being as estrogen affects parts of the brain that control emotions,” Dr. Ben Michaelis, a clinical psychologist in New York City and author of “Your Next Big Thing,” told Medical Daily. He believes the first few days of menstruation usually mark the “happy time” of the month, as some women report feeling more energetic, happy, and even inspired. This is why the rise in estrogen levels helps suppress stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol.
The rise in estrogen levels during the menstrual cycle deters women from impulsive decision-making. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Neuroscience found greater increases in estrogen levels across the menstrual cycle compared to impulsive behavior during the beginning of menstruation when estrogen levels are low.
However, low estrogen levels during the beginning of the menstrual cycle can provide benefits. Women tend to display greater brain activity when thinking about positive experience such as winning money at the start of their cycle than women who are in the other stages of the cycle.
When God made us male and female, He structured our brains as differently as our muscles.[26] These differences help husbands and wives fulfill the different roles God gave us in forming families. A woman’s holistic thinking treats the family, house, and children as one complicated picture where she can quickly see anything that’s going wrong and helps her find items in the refrigerator. This helps her keep her babies alive, but makes her easy to interrupt. A man is harder to interrupt. He focuses strongly as he must get his seeds planted at the right time, he must complete the harvest at the right time, or he must focus on a game trail to make sure he can shoot any edible animal that comes along.
God gets servants when the servants He has bear children and raise them to serve Him. The differences in the way we think makes women better mothers than men are and helps improve decision quality in the home if husbands take advantage of the diverse thought processes God built into wives.
Psalm 68:6 explains that God loved us enough to put solitary people in families. If you don’t see how something about your spouse’s basic nature blesses you and your family, that’s your problem, not God’s.
Ruth’s Rules for Finding Rest in Marriage
THE SACRIFICIAL COST OF A HUSBAND
Ladies, a man in your life is a lot of work and sacrifice. Many marriages break down because the woman finds out how much her husband costs after they’re married, decides he isn’t worth that, and walks out.
You won’t find rest in marriage to a man who won’t let himself belong to you. This makes your burden harder to bear. A good husband belongs to you. If a man belongs to you, if he nourishes and values you as God’s gift to him, you’ll find rest in belonging to him and you won’t mind the cost of belonging to him.
I Corinthians 7:28 says, “if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh:” The Bible warns that having a man in your life with all that involves brings trouble. Marriage is so much trouble that the Bible says not to marry unless you must:
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good
for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain
, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:8-9
The Bible says it’s good for women not to marry and that it’s not good for men to be alone. Is marriage harder on women than on men? God meant marriage to bless men and women, but we must do it His way.
God Teaches Women How To Marry
Ruth was a widow and knew what a husband would cost; she knew she wanted to marry. A woman should marry only if she wants to belong to one specific man badly enough to cover his costs. If he isn’t worth it, don’t marry. Ruth’s story shows salvation, but it’s also a handbook how to get married, if you want to.
There’s no book telling men how to get married, in fact, I Corinthians 7:27 tells men not to look for wives. Proverbs 14:1 warns, “a wise woman buildeth her house.” The Bible says nothing about men building houses; older women will tell you that men simply can’t build houses. It’s the woman’s job to build her house because her husband can’t; and she lays the foundation before marriage.
There are many different marriages, but successful marriages follow the same rules given in the book of Ruth. It shows how Ruth set a firm foundation for her house before Boaz took her to wife. Maybe 80% of success or failure in marriage is determined by what goes before, and 90% of that is how the woman conducts herself. Proverbs 31 teaches that a virtuous woman is beyond price. A woman sets her price by what she does. If a man can have her for the price of a few dinners, she isn’t worth much.
Before dating, she should ask him to agree that the purpose of being together is to determine whether he and she will marry, his life for her life. “A wise woman buildeth her house,” starting before marriage. Today’s women won’t do exactly as Ruth did because cultures are different, but God’s principles don’t change. Few young people are taught how to get married; you can save people a lot of grief by helping them avoid divorce.
The Reality of Marriage
The first step in building a successful marriage is knowing what marriage is. The Bible explains:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
The man pays the bills and takes the woman to wife, he loves her and she comforts him. A husband houses and supports his wife and their children. Comforting a husband takes a lot of emotional energy; a husband must convince his wife daily that he loves her to give her enough emotional energy to comfort him.
Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God
. I Corinthians 10:31
Doing all to the Glory of God builds a successful marriage. You were created for the glory of God and your spouse was created for the glory of God. You’ll have to ask yourself, “Will doing this help us glorify God, or will it hinder?” Can you ask yourself that? Can you do all things to help your spouse glorify God?
That’s the main cost of marriage—becoming one with your spouse as God expects means that you give up your desires, wants, and needs in favor of your new family. It’s humbling to belong to your husband. You have to humble yourself to accept salvation; you must humble yourself in marriage. Can you die to your wants and do all things to help your husband glorify God? Do you want one particular man that badly?
BACKGROUND OF THE BOOK OF RUTH
Many sermons call Boaz the “kinsman redeemer.” Some describe him as a type of Christ who redeemed Ruth, who was not of God’s people, into the body of believers. Boaz had nothing to do with Ruth joining God’s people. Ruth chose to follow God when Naomi told her to return to her family to find a husband:
And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God
: Ruth 1:16
For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. Romans 10:10
This wasn’t “easy believism.” Ruth didn’t just talk the talk of belonging to God; she walked the long walk from Moab to Israel. Boaz wasn’t involved in her salvation or redemption; she chose to follow God.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23
Boaz is in the family line that led to Christ (1 Chr. 2:11-12), but we know little about most of them. God put details of Boaz’s life in one particular book of the Bible because he married a woman virtuous enough not only to follow after God but to be drawn into the family line that led to Jesus Christ.
Casting Boaz as Ruth’s redeemer makes him the main character, but it’s the Book of Ruth, not the Book of Boaz. With Ruth as main character, it reads as a romance novel – poverty stricken widow goes to a strange land to draw nigh to God (Jam. 4:8), works hard, doesn’t date around, marries a rich guy, becomes the great-grandmother of King David, and is in the genealogy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Mt. 1:5).
Boaz’s mother Rahab (Mt. 1:5) was also a foreign woman who believed in God (Jos. 2:8-13) and married into the line of Christ (Mt. 1:5). God accepts all who call on Him, but they must call for themselves:
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him
. Hebrews 11:6
Naomi’s advice to Ruth how to get married takes up a major part of the book whereas the mother’s advice to her daughter how to stay married takes only one verse (Song 8:3).
Naomi gave the woman’s view of marriage as she told her daughters to go back to their families:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery. Wives depend on husbands for food in a muscle-powered society with no “safety net.” Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
: Eat and drink
, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee
. Proverbs 23:7
A man can pay a woman’s expenses without giving his heart to her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7) – Naomi wanted her daughters to find appreciative husbands who liked nourishing and cherishing them.
Experience shows that 80-90% of how a marriage works depends on how a man treats his wife, but 80% of that depends on how she sets her value by her conduct before marriage (Pr. 31:10). A man who thinks he might want to marry a good woman should learn how Boaz honored Ruth so that she wanted to marry him. A woman who wants to marry should consider Ruth’s Rules for marriage:
RULE # 1 – PREPARE TO GLORIFY GOD WITH YOUR HUSBAND
Ladies, the main question in deciding whether to let a man take you to wife is does he help you glorify God? The foundation for glorifying God with your husband is glorifying God yourself before you meet him.
But seek ye first
the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Did Ruth seek first the kingdom of God? Naomi moved to Moab with her husband and sons, the sons married, the men died leaving three widows. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she tried to send her daughters back to their families where they’d find husbands, but Ruth wanted Naomi’s God:
And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Ruth’s parents would find her a husband, but nobody in her hometown believed in God. Ruth had been told she wouldn’t find a husband if she stayed with Naomi, but Ruth knew it was better to have God without a husband than to have a husband without God. Young ladies, do you believe that? Ruth could have said, “I prayed the prayer, I’m saved, I’ll let my parents find me a husband.” She said, “thy God my God” instead.
Ruth swore allegiance to Naomi’s country, to Naomi’s home, to Naomi’s people, and to Naomi’s God. Ruth summed up what marriage vows mean to your husband as she sought the kingdom of God. In this day of women’s liberation and political correctness, you may not realize what your man believes you’re promising him. It doesn’t matter what marriage vows you write. You need to know what he thinks you’re promising him.
Let’s take it one promise at a time. Ruth said, “whither thou goest, I will go,” your husband expects that you’ll go wherever he goes. How many women wanted to spend six dusty months in a bumpy covered wagon getting to Oregon? Very few, read their diaries. They didn’t want to go, but they went with their men. Ruth said, “where thou lodgest, I will lodge,” your husband expects that you’ll live wherever he puts you.
Call Him Lord
In addition to going wherever he goes and living where he puts you, your husband expects you to call him “sir” as Sarah called Abraham “lord” (I Peter 3:6). You’ll know your husband’s faults. The only way you can call him “lord” from your heart and reverence him the way the Bible commands (Ephesians 5:33) is to treat him as if he were perfect, as God treats you as perfect once you accept His offer of salvation (Heb. 10:17).
If a man belongs to you lovingly and cheerfully, his love and grace bless you. If you submit to your husband lovingly and belong to him cheerfully, your love and grace bless him. This helps you bless others.
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God
. I Peter 4:10
God gave us His grace. If we’re good stewards of His grace, we’ll share His grace and pass it on! This is powerful testimony. As lost people see you offer your husband the same grace God gave you, as they see him nourish and cherish you by offering you the grace God gave him, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.
On a day-to-day basis, reverencing your husband means you’re the tail on his kite, you hold steady as he soars. Look at couples in cars. Who’s driving? It’s almost always the man. He goes where he wants, the woman’s along for the ride, even if it’s her car. If he wants to stop and do something, he stops and does it. If she wants to stop, she has to ask permission and doesn’t always get it. You can also read stories that men read such as anything by Louis L’Amour. Have you read “Flint,” or “Warrior’s Path?”
Ever see a John Wayne movie? He’s the hero. A crisis comes, his woman views with alarm, the hero says, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” He runs off and does it while she worries.
Some sayings have a secret half. Everybody knows, “If you can walk away, it’s a good landing,” from the early days when crashes were common. Few know, “And if you can re-use the plane, it’s a great landing.” There’s another part to “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do” which is so obvious that men don’t tell you. The complete phrase is, “I gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and you’re gonna clean up the mess.” It’s worse than that, when your man’s done doing what a man’s gotta do, he’s tired, so he takes a nap. You gotta clean up the mess, and do it quietly so you don’t wake him. Does this sound familiar?
Make Your Home His Home
You also have to make your home his home. I’ve a friend who married just after graduation from college; she’d never seen her husband’s house. “He carried me over the threshold,” she told me, “and the living room was full of tires.” He had 8 tires, 4 for each vehicle. Any grandmother can tell you a man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them when he needs them. “It took me a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and another two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went carefully and slowly instead of just taking over his house. As he came to trust that she could find his socks, his underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Picture this – you’ve been married a month and you’ve got your apartment looking just right. After supper, your husband tells you he’s going to drive his motorcycle up 3 flights into your living room so he can rebuild the transmission. You now do either the right thing or the wrong thing. You can say, “Over my dead body,” but if you say that, what do you say when he drives his motorcycle into your living room and starts working on the transmission? It’s hard to get men to talk at all, its bad tactics to say anything that shuts off discussion. At least he warned you, that’s better than average.
There’s only one right answer. You say, “Lets get a tarp and roll up the edges so your parts won’t get lost.” You needn’t mention that the tarp makes it easier for you to clean up the mess. At the store, you ask, “Are you going to clean your parts? Let’s get some disposable roasting pans.” That way you’re helping, you’re on his side, you’re part of the solution, and over time, he’ll learn to trust you.
This is more important than you know. Women build relationships through talk, men build relationships through shared experiences. Men tell stories to teach, that’s not how they relate. Men who were shot at 70 years ago get together to talk about it. They tell the stories over and over, but no matter how often a young man listens, he can’t join the group because he wasn’t there, it didn’t happen to him. If you want to relate to your man, you’ll have to share experiences with him. This gives you something to talk about. Fixing his motorcycle together in your living room is a shared experience that builds your relationship with him.
The Bible says of a virtuous woman, “She will do him good and not evil” (Pro 31:12).
Ladies, there’re two ways to get a man to do what you want. You can be “a continual dripping,” you can nag or rain on his parade enough, and you’ll get what you want. Samson told Delilah the secret of his strength because, “She pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death.” (Judges 16:16). That’s a way to deal with a man, or you can be like the virtuous woman,
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness
. Proverbs 31:26
Why shouldn’t he fill the house with motorcycles, you want to fill the house with diapers and baby toys, what’s the difference? A man thinks of home as a place to keep a woman. If you don’t convince him it’s his home, if you don’t make it the place he wants to be, he’ll find reasons to go other places. A man can work harder or go out with the boys instead of hanging around you, and you don’t want to be left all alone.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
This man is so eager to be home that he’s skipping! Is he rushing home to admire the curtains or to see neat stacks of towels in the linen closet? That’s not it. Ask an older woman why he comes home!
Belong to Him
Think about it. If he must work on his cycle, wouldn’t you rather he did it where you could help him and bond with him? Even with disposable roasting pans, it’s easier for you to wash the grease off his parts for him than for you to clean the bathtub or sink after he washes the parts. If you wash his parts, you not only help him, he will be known in the gates (Pr. 31:23). His friends say, “Your bike’s back on the road,” and he says, “My wife cleaned the chain!” That’s so unusual he’ll have to talk about it and amaze his friends.
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword
: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
Using a sword on a man drives him away. If you’re health to him it won’t take him long to see that you’re lots better than riding a motorcycle and he’ll choose to stay with you. Win him with words of health.
Be realistic. If a young wife eagerly helps her husband fix his motorbike in a crowded living room, washes his parts, hands him tools, looks over his shoulder, and really cares what he’s doing, how long will he work on the bike? How long before he gets distracted and finds something better to do? Fifteen minutes? Five?
Ladies, cleaning up after a man does what a man’s gotta do and being the tail on his kite are maybe 1/5 of the burden of having a husband. Older women should teach younger women how to love their husbands, love their children, and to guide their houses, that’s the rest of the yoke of being married. You must know what a man costs so you can decide whether belonging to a particular man will be worth what he costs. It’s difficult to glorify God with your husband and about your husband if he costs you more than he’s worth to you.
If you really want to marry, rule #1 is “seek ye first the kingdom of God” to get yourself ready to glorify God with your husband all your days. Rule #2 is what Ruth told Naomi:
RULE # 2 – GO WHEREVER HE GOES
whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Look in a mirror and watch yourself say that verse several times while thinking about him. If you can’t promise him Ruth’s vow from the bottom of your heart, if you aren’t eager to be the tail on his kite, if his kite has no string, or if you aren’t eager to follow him wherever he goes all your days, don’t marry him.
Women wonder if it has to be this way, “Why am I the tail,” they ask. The Bible tells you. Many men say that this passage means that a husband can lord it over his wife, but other verses say the opposite:
For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man
. I Corinthians 11:8-9
You’re the tail on his kite because God made you as God’s gift to your husband; he’s not made for you. He takes you to wife, you don’t take him to husband. The bride is given away; she’s the gift, not the groom.
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:22-24
The first words Eve heard from her husband-to-be were a bit possessive. Adam said that Eve was part of him, she belonged to him, he could have her whenever he wanted her, that’s what “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” means to a man. Men haven’t changed one jot since God brought Eve to Adam – men are still a bit possessive of their wives. God made women for men so very well that they’re worth wanting.
Adam called Eve “woman.” Did he ask her what she wanted to be called? He later named her Eve without asking her. Do men put labels on women? Who takes whose name? Have men changed?
Adam started out saying, “Want that! Gimmie!” Eve knew Adam appreciated her and that events would take their course as defined in Ruth 3:18. How many of you know Ruth 3:18? If you’re thinking of marriage, you’d better understand that verse:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest
, until he have finished the thing this day
. Ruth 3:18
What’s this, “will not be in rest”? Married women know why Boa wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that very day. Have men changed? Have men changed at all? Here’s what Ruth said to Boaz:
I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman. Ruth 3:9
Is the Bible clear about the basics of marriage, or what? Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother’s tent, he gave her a home, he took her, she became his, he loved her, and she comforted him. Ruth wanted Boaz to spread his coat over her and keep her warm, what does a woman want today? She wants her man to put his arm around her and keep her warm and safe.
You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket or shirt, she’s testing to see if he’ll keep her warm. What could be more basic? Adam said “Mine! Gimmie!” Just like Adam, Boaz couldn’t be in rest. He took Ruth to wife that day, what’s simpler than that?
The idea of a woman wanting a man to keep her warm and a man not being in rest are the foundation of marriage, but that’s not enough. In 90% of the failed marriages today, it’s the woman who walks out; she’s not starving and she’s not cold. Why does she leave? It’s usually because she doesn’t find rest in her husband.
RULE # 3 – BE SURE HE GIVES YOU REST
Naomi told Ruth what’s more important than food or shelter. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she told her daughters not to come because they couldn’t find husbands. What did Naomi wish for them? She said,
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest
, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
Naomi wanted each daughter to find rest in her husband. She didn’t wish food, or shelter, or warmth, she didn’t wish romantic love, she wished rest. A woman needs food, shelter, warmth, love, praise, and conversation, but she also needs rest. Rule #2 is go where he goes, rule # 3 is be sure he gives you rest.
Women, given that you’re the tail on his kite, you better make sure this man will give you rest. If he gives you rest, you won’t mind motorcycles in the living room, a woman can handle anything a man does if he loves her as Christ loves the church. A good husband and a bad husband cost you about the same. The difference is that a good husband gives you rest so you don’t mind what he costs. A bad husband doesn’t give you rest so he isn’t worth what he costs. Note, giving you rest is not physical love. This is a supportive, serving, caring, sacrificial love that a man decides to give her, it’s not emotional or physical.
Before marrying him, you must know: does he give you rest, that is, does he love you and serve you as Christ loves the church? Do you want him hanging around the house? Can you rest while he’s in your house?
Strong defines the Hebrew word used in Ruth as “comfortable, ease, quiet, resting place, abode,” and states that the word applies particularly to marriage. Does “rest” mean that she doesn’t have to work? No, Ruth worked hard. This isn’t physical rest, its emotional rest, and a man owes it to his wife. Jesus said,
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest
unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
“Rest” in the phrase “the man will not be in rest” is a Hebrew word which means, “repose, idleness, quietness,” which Boaz couldn’t have until the thing was done, he couldn’t rest until he’d taken Ruth to wife.
How does a wife find rest? A man can’t give his wife spiritual rest, that comes from her belonging to Christ, but Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…” The rest Christ gives His people is like the rest men should give their wives. As men find rest in Christ, wives should find rest in husbands. Accepting salvation means taking Christ’s yoke upon you and trying to please Him.
Men, when a woman marries, she takes your yoke upon her. The married woman cares how she may please her husband (1 Cor. 7:34). Men, your wife put on the yoke of pleasing you, a woman can’t rest unless her man shows her over and over that he’s happy with her and resting in her. Women, be careful about rest. Some men don’t find rest in Christ, they think God has a checklist and waits to whack them if they step out of line or miss a box. Men who believe God’s a bully usually bully their wives and children, you don’t need that.
Husbands, is your yoke easy, is your burden light? Are you meek and lowly in heart toward your wives? Do you make it easy for your wife to learn of you? She can’t know she’s pleasing you unless she knows you well. As the years go by, do you spend hours and hours explaining the cares of your heart as you spend hours and hours in Bible reading to learn of Christ? Does your wife find rest unto her soul in your house? We’re to love our wives as Christ loves us, a husband’s obligations are plain, if difficult.
If she runs out of diapers, toys, or food, buying anything in a picnic spot is expensive and she’ll be criticized for poor provision. She can’t rest unless she knows the plan in detail.
Rest from Criticism
About a year before I found her, my wife thought she’d marry a man she’d known for several years. He looked good. He was a youth group leader and served in the church, but there was a problem – he could be very negative. Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time at church with the man she loved. Other weekends were awful because he tore her down. She never knew how their “dates” would go. She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected.
Her parents had always loved and encouraged her and she had been an outgoing person before she met him. They were quite worried at seeing her become so withdrawn and so uncertain from being around him.
Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew her friend. He confirmed that her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way that she would ever be able to make him happy. The missionary pointed out that it would be a bad idea to marry him. When she asked her boyfriend about the matter, he huffed, “That’s the way I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” and broke up with her.
What was her mistake? She had failed to guard her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God! Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
Your heart defines your life, but you’re supposed to rule your emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Keep your heart by giving it to God. Her boyfriend’s heart was not right toward her; criticism and ingratitude flowed from his mouth to her hurt. She didn’t want to go through that again. From the first, she tested me to see if I’d criticize her and I didn’t. When we visited her parents after our 3rd date, they knew immediately that she’d changed. Her mother thought, “She feels safe with him. I hope they get married before something happens.” What was she worried about?
She did her very best not to love me while we were dating. I didn’t know she wasn’t in love when she agreed to marry me. I was interesting, I had a job, I was smitten, I gave her rest, I ruled her gently, I protected her, and she was convinced that I was the man God wanted her to marry. That was enough for her.
The idea of marrying for love is maybe a century old. Before that, people married for duty. A farmer couldn’t eat unless a woman turned his crops into something edible, and a woman couldn’t farm. They needed each other. Love might or might not come. Love has strong days and weak days, but duty goes on.
God expects you to marry for duty and keep your heart until he’s committed himself to you.
Based on her experience with her boyfriend, she knew that she would come to love me. She asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
I needed this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man she loves. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why hang around her.
Women are unbelievably sensitive. Many of my wife’s friends say they get no praise at all from their husbands. “He’ll say he liked the dinner and he appreciated my taking care of his friends, but….” There’s always a “but.” Her friend is in such fear of the coming “but” that she can’t hear the praise. The world’s way of ending with the negative destroys. The Bible says “the fool … but the wise…” or “the wages of sin is death, but…” The negative comes first, then the positive. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife! As salvation is “Only believe,” marriage is “only praise!”
If you’ve given your wife rest, you can say, “That last plan didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” You are the leader and she probably did it to please you. If you take responsibility for what happened, the fact that it didn’t work well won’t hurt her as much.
Let me give you an example. We were having lunch at the church and my wife was cooking green beans. It’s a lot of work to prepare beans. You break off one end, pull off the strings, and break them just so.
Then she tried to help a friend in distress. This takes attention and focus. She helped her friend but the beans burned. I ate them and appreciated them. Regardless of how the beans worked out, I appreciated her work. What’s more important to God, helping heal her friend’s distress or a few beans? She must exercise her gifts of helping as we glorify God together. Some of her fruit will rebound to my account.
Rest from Worry
A wife’s rest isn’t only physical, it’s emotional and spiritual, and the book shows how. Ruth and Naomi got to Palestine at the beginning of barley harvest (Ruth 1:22). They had no money, no job, and no food. Ruth went out to glean, that is, pick up what’s left by the harvesters. Boaz gave Ruth a taste of rest that day.
Have you watched farmers harvest crops by hand? I grew up in Japan in the 50’s. Japan was bombed flat during WW II, there was no farm machinery, men and women harvested grain by hand. It’s grinding, killing work. You cut the stalks at ground level because you need the straw. You bend over, cut a bunch, tie it into a sheaf, and put it in your bag. Then you do another one and another, all day every day until it’s done.
Gleaning is worse. Harvesters get grain in bunches, gleaners find one stalk at a time. There’s spaghetti all over the yard. You see a stick, you bend over, pick it up, straighten up, you walk a bit and see another and grab it – how long before you get enough for dinner, one stick at a time? Next time you buy groceries, thank God Almighty you don’t have to do as Ruth did. We know she did it well. Boaz asked about her:
And the servant that was set over the reapers answered and said, It is the Moabitish damsel that came back with Naomi out of the country of Moab: and she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now
, that she tarried a little in the house. Ruth 2:6-7
Ruth “continued even from the morning until now,” Boaz knew Ruth worked hard.
Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee
? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn. Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? Ruth 2:8-10
Boaz was kind to Ruth, he offered her water, he told the young men to leave her alone, and she asked why. Smart woman, Ruth, when a man’s nice to a woman, it’s a good idea to find out why, particularly when he tells other men to leave her alone. Ruth needed to know what Boaz had in mind, so she asked why. Instead of ignoring her as men often do when women ask “Why?” he opened his heart to her, he told her why:
And Boaz answered
and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust
. Ruth 2:11-12
Boaz cared for Ruth because she showed salvation by trusting God enough to travel to a strange land where she had no hope of marrying. He respected her character; he valued her trust in God. That’s Biblical:
Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised
. Proverbs 31:30
But seek ye first
the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Why did Ruth go with Naomi? Naomi told her she wouldn’t find a husband because she was a foreigner and not having a husband would risk starvation that winter. Ruth sought the kingdom of God first; it’s no surprise that all these things were added unto her.
So if you must marry, we have three rules of getting married: 1) seek ye first the kingdom of God, 2) understand that you’re made for him so you’re the tail on his kite, and 3) make sure he values and respects you so that you can find rest in his house.
Marriage happens because women want a man’s appreciation and men can’t be in rest, but women need rest in marriage. When Boaz told the reapers to drop a few bundles of grain for her so she wouldn’t have to work as hard, Ruth knew that Boaz appreciated her and valued her enough to let her rest a bit.
The book of Genesis tells us a lot about how men and women get along. Consider Adam’s punishment:In the sweat of thy face
shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
Adam was to eat by the sweat of his face. Not just his brow, his entire face.
Women are too weak to farm and can’t hunt while carrying a nursing baby. How was Eve going to eat? By the sweat of Adam’s face. Until recently, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her and her children or she’d starve. That’s why relationships are so important to a woman – her relationship to her man was life or death. That’s why it meant so much to Ruth when Boaz praised her walk with God. When Boaz not only fed her but had the reapers drop bundles for her, she rested in the knowledge that he was inclined to feed her. That’s why she was glad to obey Naomi when Naomi told her to ask Boaz to marry her.
Starvation is rare now, but there’s another fear. A few months after we married, a colleague and I left work and realized we’d forgotten to discuss a problem. Instead of going back in, we talked in my car for several hours. When I got home, my wife was in tears. I didn’t arrive when she expected, she called the office and was told I’d left. She thought something had happened to me. I was stunned, awed, and humbled to see how important I had become to her. I try to let her know where I am so she knows I’m okay.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment
. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
A woman wants her love for her husband to be perfect. A man should never let her be tormented by fear.
Rest from Praise and Appreciation
Which single Bible passage says the most about how to have a happy marriage?
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her
. [saying] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Praise is important to women, read Solomon’s Song to see that. Proverbs 31 describes a virtuous woman. Preachers say that there are few “Proverbs 31 women,” but forget how Proverbs 31 commands men.
Praise from her husband and children is part of being a virtuous wife, it’s part of the package, it’s her due. Her works praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31). A woman can’t be a “Proverbs 31 wife” without praise from a “Proverbs 31 husband.” A man may work from sun to sun; a woman’s work is never done. How can she keep on keeping on? Praise is the gasoline that helps a woman go, and even a poor man can do this.
The unsaved know this. How many of you remember the song, “Take good care of my baby”? One of the verses goes, “once upon a time, that little girl was mine, if I’d been true, I know she’d never be with you.” The singer lost the girl, but he still cared about her and wanted her new guy to make her happy. He said,
“Just let your love surround her, make a rainbow all around her.” That’s a good start, women expect to be surrounded by love, but there’s more, “Just let her know you love her, be sure you’re thinking of her, in everything you say and do…” What’s the basis of giving a wife rest? Convincing her she’s loved by thinking of her, by being considerate of her, by operating according to her needs in everything he says and does.
If, for example, a husband puts the toilet seat down or takes a quick swipe to clean a sink before the goo hardens, his wife appreciates his thinking of her as much as she appreciates not having to do it herself.
Ruth 1:9 says a wife should find rest in the home of her husband, Matthew 11:28-30 explains Christ’s rest, Ruth 2:11-12 and 3:10 show Boaz giving Ruth rest, Proverbs 31:28-29 tells husbands to teach their children to praise their mothers and to add praise of their own. Not only that, the Song of Solomon teaches a man to praise a woman in mind-numbing detail many times per day.
Naomi’s command to “sit still” in Ruth 3:18 comes right after Ruth came back from the party, she’s all fired up, she’s going to get married even if she doesn’t know who. I don’t have daughters so I’m not sure what a young lady does when she thinks a man’s interested in her, but the Bible tells what Ruth did,
And she told her all
that the man had done to her. Ruth 3:16
When the Bible says “all” it means “all.” I’ve been a husband since 1971; I know that when a woman tells “all,” she really tells all, women love details. Ruth told Naomi what Boaz was wearing, the tone of his voice, every word he said, and what she said, and where they were, and who was at the party, and what they all wore, and what they all said, and when she got done, Naomi could’ve been there.
Many men occasionally, well, not often, but occasionally, get a wee bit frustrated at their wives’ preoccupation with detail. Me, too, I must confess, but over the years, I’ve become convinced that a woman’s concern for detail is of God and for very good reasons. Here’s proof that a woman’s mind is of God:
A prudent wife is from the Lord
Proverbs 19:14
“Prudence” means thinking, women think ahead in detail for good reason, a woman’s mind is from the Lord, the way your wife’s mind works is of God, don’t mess with her mind, guys, the way she thinks is of God!
All this detail, Naomi’s got the picture with words and music, what does she say?
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Ladies, that’s the best advice on getting married there is. “Sit still.” I say it again, “Sit still, do nothing, say nothing, just sit still.” That’s really all Naomi had to say. Ruth promised “wither thou goest I will go,” so Ruth had to obey Naomi as her own parent. Naomi was in charge just as your husband’s in charge after you marry, all Naomi had to say was “Sit still,” but Naomi went on. She added “my daughter,” to say, “I love you and I’m doing what’s best for you.” She explained, “For the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.” Learn from this, men. Paul told Philemon, “I have authority, I could command you but I’d rather persuade you.” As Naomi persuaded Ruth rather than commanding, as Paul persuaded Philemon rather than commanding, the Bible teaches that we should persuade our wives, our children, and everyone else rather than commanding (2 Cor. 5:11), no matter how long it takes for them to understand.
That long? As long as it takes? Yeah, that long, and believe me, I know how long it can be. It’s not because women are difficult, the Bible says that women are made for men and that a wife wants to please her husband, but women think very differently from men. It takes time to understand what she’s saying, it takes time to explain what you want, and it takes time to persuade her that it’s best or for her to persuade you. God said that a woman’s mind is from Him. Men, be patient and longsuffering, her mind is of God.
You must persuade, Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” If your wife obeys without being persuaded, she’s in sin because she’s following you, a man, rather than following what God wants. Following a man instead of God is idolatry. Commanding a wife without persuading her leads to serious sin.
You must persuade your children as they get old enough to understand persuasion. If little kids don’t want to go to bed, you can pick them up, but what happens when they get bigger? You must punish rebellion, but you’ll have to persuade older kids that they need sleep, that they need to dress warmly in winter, and, most important, that the Word of God is the key to a contented life. Knowing when to punish and when to persuade is a very difficult issue in parenting. You can’t force conviction on matters of the heart through the world’s methods of command. All you can do is serve by example, persuade, and pray for conviction.
Naomi didn’t command Ruth to believe in God, in fact, she told Ruth to go home. Naomi had convinced Ruth about God so strongly that Ruth wanted God badly enough to go back to Palestine with her. You can’t just quote the Bible because it’s foolishness to unbelievers and to the religious who just prayed the prayer.
How can Jesus be both God and man? That’s illogical, you have to persuade by testifying about what God has done for you and for other people, showing them His grace, pointing out the results of what friends do, walking by faith no matter what God brings into your life, and showing that you care for souls.
God gives us soul liberty, even the liberty to choose to go to hell. Provoking your followers to wrath as condemned in Ephesians 6:4 shows that you may have denied soul liberty. Extra prayer, humility, servant leadership, and searching the scripture are need in those cases. Try to get a competition going to see who can humble themselves the most and serve the most as opposed to struggling to be top dog.
Rest from Physical Rest
We’ve shown the emotional rest Naomi described. God also commands that women be given physical rest.
Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised. And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:2-5
There’s been a lot of complaint that this is another of those ridiculous patriarchic passages that disrespect women. Why should giving birth, a natural and honorable process, make a woman unclean?
An unclean woman couldn’t wash dishes – they’d be unclean and nobody could eat off them. She couldn’t do laundry – the clothes would be unclean and nobody could wear them. She couldn’t do housework; she got time to rest and get to know her new baby. She stayed home. This protects babies from infection.
Japanese mothers are told not to take a new baby out in public for 2 months and to discourage visitors.
“Man may work from sun to sun; women’s work is never done.” Women can be so driven to take care of their homes and to try to please their men that they don’t get enough rest. Men should watch out for that. God could have told men to make sure that their wives were able to rest, but He made it a matter of ritual impurity instead. Maybe men wouldn’t have listened otherwise? Did He have to make it a matter of law?
Without infant formula, nursing was the only way to keep a baby alive. I’ve been told that girl babies often have a harder time settling down to nursing than boy babies and that girls are smaller at birth than boys.
It’s a major milestone for a mother when her baby holds enough milk to sleep through the night. If girls have a harder time nursing and they’re smaller, it would take longer for a girl to sleep through the night.
If this is true, God knows all about it. What did He do? A mother got more time off when she gave birth to a girl than when she gave birth to a boy, 70 days versus 40 days. The extra month made it more likely that the newborn girl would sleep through the night before the mother had to resume her normal routine.
God honors women. Anna was the first to proclaim salvation (Luke 2:36-38). A woman anointed Jesus’ body for burial (Mt. 26:12). Pilate’s wife tried to persuade him not to crucify Jesus (Mt. 27:19). Women were last at the cross (Mk. 15:47) and first at the tomb (Jn. 20:1). Women proclaimed the resurrection (Mt. 28:5-10). Women attended prayer meetings (Ac. 1:14). Lydia was the first European to hear the missionaries, the first convert, offered lodging, and may have started a house church (Ac. 16:13-14).
Galatians 3:28 says, “there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” In modern culture, it’s hard for men and women to treat each other as people; gender attraction tends to creep into conversations. This leads to temptations and gives Satan an advantage. The Bible tells how:
Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity
. I Timothy 5:1-2
There’s nothing wrong with men and women talking to each other and having fellowship so long as they do it “with all purity.” It’s a good idea because they think so differently. In talking to other men, my wife found that I wasn’t nearly as strange as she’d thought, and the same worked for me, too.
These conversations must stay logical. Letting emotion into these talks opens impure doors. We can express emotions to the church body as a whole, but emoting to an individual of the opposite sex is perilous.
RULE # 4 – DON’T PLAY HARD TO GET, BE HARD TO GET
Having looked at the necessity of persuasion and getting rest, let’s explore Naomi’s advice to women.
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Naomi’s advice to wait doesn’t mean that women have to be passive about wanting to marry, not at all. Ruth crashed the party (Ruth 3:1-5) and asked Boaz to marry her. Ruth wasn’t being forward; having Boaz care for her was her right as his relative’s widow. But she had to choose the right time to ask.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; … a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. Ecclesiastes 3:1
I grew up in farm country so I know why Ruth had to wait before asking Boaz to marry her. Men are much more focused than women. When a baby chokes, the mother better hear no matter what she’s doing or the baby dies. God made women easy to interrupt. Men focus more strongly and can get testy when interrupted. The harvest was important, if they didn’t get enough, some would starve to death before the next harvest.
Moreover the profit of the earth is for all: the king himself is served by the field. Ecclesiastes 5:9
If there’s no food, nobody eats, not even the king. Ruth waited until “his heart was merry,” then she “came softly.” Why was Boaz merry? He’d finished the harvest, there was enough food, he wouldn’t starve that year, and he could rest a bit. He might even be open to lesser matters like marriage.
Men haven’t changed since Boaz or since Adam. What Naomi told Ruth after the party was rule # 4, “Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get.” There’s a saying, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that zing!” What’s the zing that makes marriage happen? The man can’t rest. If he has rest, why marry?
Toy or Treasure
There are only two possible modes when a girl interacts with a guy: 1) she can be his toy or 2) she can be his treasure. You’ve seen a little boy play with a truck. He pushes it this way and that, then, when he gets tired of it, he throws it away and grabs another. It is hard on girls when boys get tired of them and throw them away.
Young ladies want attention from men. If older women haven’t fulfilled God’s command to teach them about men, they tend to end up in fornication. Even secular writers know that this can be damaging. The book “Unprotected” by Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why this is so. To oversimplify, a woman tends to become emotionally involved when she gives herself to a man. It hurts her deeply when she finds that she meant nothing to him, and that in his mind, she was just an interchangeable toy.
Any boy can play with her; it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or treasure, play or stay are the only possibilities. If a girl doesn’t want to be treated like a toy, she must insist that he treat her as a treasure and potential wife from before the first date.
A Misconception about Conception
There’s another common error – many girls think a man will marry her if she has his baby.
And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love m
e. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons
: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing. Genesis 29:31-35
Poor Leah! It took three sons for her to learn that bearing Jacob’s sons wouldn’t make her love her.
But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away
from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 25:6
Abraham was a friend of God (2 Chr. 20:7, Isa. 41:8), yet he sent away at least two women who had his babies instead of marrying them. I asked a young lady why she thought he’d marry. “He’d have to marry me to be near his baby.”
Nonsense. She said she wanted to get married, but she moved in with him without marriage. To him, what she said about the importance of marriage was a lie. She said she was on the pill, but she stopped taking it and told him he’d have to marry her. Now she’s a lying manipulator. Why marry someone like that? If a man can have her without marring, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
Whose are the Children?
Here’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. When we were in the kid biz, a child might violate a rule, be called on it, and say, “Yes, I know.” If the child knew the rule, why break it? Because the rule was only head knowledge, it hadn’t gotten down into his heart.
Although a man may have some vague sort of head knowledge about the birds and bees, down in his heart, where it really counts, a man doesn’t believe he has anything to do with making babies. Your baby is clearly yours – you had it last – but what has your baby to do with him?
One reason God made men so possessive was to give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman and she encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she gets pregnant, her children will be his, too.
A woman gives her children a father by belonging thoroughly to him before they’re conceived, but he has a hard time valuing her enough to value her children as God expects of him if she gives him rest out of season.
Having my wife decide to belong to me changed everything. A woman told me, “You have cat tracks on your car.” She was clearly asking a question, so I said, “They’re my wife’s cats.” Her questioning look got deeper, so I said, “Long ago, she made a conscious decision to belong to me. She’s mine, so her cats are mine.” Her face cleared, she nodded, and walked away. I had answered her question.
RULE # 5 – GET ADVICE FROM A GODLY GRANDMOTHER
Rule # 4, don’t play hard to get, be hard to get, gets to rule # 5, get advice from an older woman. Ruth had been married, she knew what men wanted, but she took Naomi’s advice. Naomi told Ruth when to plant by gleaning with Boaz; Naomi told Ruth when to pluck up that which was planted by crashing the party.
Women need advice about men; when they’re on their own, they usually mess up. Ruth could’ve asked Boaz the day she got back, Ruth’s rights didn’t change during the harvest, but Naomi had Ruth wait. Boaz was focused on the harvest; the last thing he wanted was wedding talk when he was worried about starving. Ruth waited until Boaz got to know her and until his “heart was merry;” when she asked him to marry her, he wanted to do it. Being wanted and appreciated gave Ruth rest.
Here’s another area where Ruth took advice. When Naomi told Ruth to go to Boaz’ party even though she hadn’t been invited, Naomi told Ruth to get all dressed up:
Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, Ruth 3:3a
Boaz had gotten to know Ruth as she worked the harvest and he’d shown that he respected Ruth the day they met. Once Boaz respected her, then it was OK for Ruth to look her best. Girls, it’s a bad idea for you to do anything special to attract a man’s attention at the beginning. Suppose it works, then what? What’ll you do when you’re too busy, or too tired, or too pregnant to do whatever it was that attracted him? Girls, unless a man comes after you on his own just the way God made you, God won’t want to give you to him.
If you worry too much about your looks, it’s easy for a man to flatter you and win your heart by saying you look good. Don’t we talk about a man “feeding her a line?” Seek to put on a meek and quiet spirit. A meek and quiet spirit is of great price in the eyes of God (I Peter 3:4), and the right man treasures it too.
Does He Praise You
Let’s look at rest a bit more in the context of getting advice. You may not always understand what a man means by what he says to you, particularly if you’re falling in love with him. You need for your husband to appreciate you and that’s where you need advice. Tell an older woman what he says and she’ll help you figure out if he truly appreciates you. Someone your age can’t help you with that.
Men, a woman can give a man physical rest under pretty much any circumstances but she can’t give her man rest unto his soul unless he first gives her rest. A wife can’t make you any happier than you make her.
A woman can’t give her husband rest unless she’s happy about belonging to him and giving him rest. She can’t be happy about belonging to him unless he values her and appreciates her, and it’s hard to value her if she gives him rest outside marriage. The Bible explains how a man should give his wife rest so that she can give him complete rest, but a woman can’t create rest or love by herself. A woman’s like a mirror, she magnifies her husband’s love and rest back to him, she’s not a light.
If her man makes her feel appreciated, if he makes her feel respected and valued, if he gives her peace and rest as Christ gives His people perfect peace and rest, she amplifies his rest and reflects enough love back to him to take care of the whole family. A wife can’t make rest from nothing; she can’t give rest if she isn’t given rest to begin with. How does a man give his wife rest? God explains:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
The Bible commands a husband to tell his wife that she’s far better than any other wife he knows. It also commands a man to sanctify his wife, that is, to set her apart from all other women:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify
and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, Ephesians 5:25-26
Does He Sanctify You
Men should sanctify wives as Christ sanctifies the church. Sanctification means “set apart,” a husband must know his wife well enough to separate her from other women, especially when taking her. Men get so intense that a woman may think, “Anybody would do.” Some men say, “All cats are gray in the dark.” This suggests that men don’t sanctify women even though Song 6:9 teaches a man to think of his wife as “but one.” Would God command men to sanctify wives if it were natural? It isn’t, a man must purpose in his heart to do it.
A man must possess his wife in sanctification. He must let her know he desires her as a person, a mind, a set of skills, a help meet, a companion, not just a body. If a wife doesn’t feel sanctified, she feels she’s fornicating because she could be any woman. A man sanctifies his wife by praising her in detail, read Solomon’s Song. If he notices and praises small details, she feels he’s paying attention and that he values her.
In any case, Boaz couldn’t be in rest, he wanted Ruth, so he married her, took her, and she was his wife.
We have 4 of Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than a husband without God. 2) Know that you’re made for him, he’s not made for you, when he does what a man’s gotta do, you gotta clean up the mess. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you as Boaz respected and honored Ruth so you won’t mind cleaning up after him. 4) Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get. When he can’t be in rest, just let it happen, don’t give him rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice!
RULE # 6 – MAKE SURE HE OPENS HIS HEART TO YOU
Now we come to rule #6, make sure he opens his heart to you. Women live and die by relationships. A wife relates to other women to share knowledge how to raise children and how to keep husbands happy. A wife wants feel that the bonds are strong. It hurts her deeply if her husband won’t open his heart to her. For generations, a woman could live only by the sweat of her husband’s face. A woman whose relationship ended through death or desertion could starve. That’s why God gave special provision for widows and the fatherless.
God knows that opening his heart is as frightening for a man as opening her body can be for a woman.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil
. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
It’s safe for a man to open his heart to a virtuous woman who will do him good and not evil. Some say “no need of spoil” means that the man shouldn’t be interested in other women; Song 6:9 agrees. Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven right here on earth, but few realize that she can make him no happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9). Few men know how badly women need open hearts.
It’s simple to make a man happy – my wife explains it in under a minute. I didn’t say “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but it’s not easy.
There’s no simple formula for a man to keep a woman happy because women aren’t nearly as alike as men are. If he opens his heart to her as sincerely, as deeply, as widely, as patiently, as attentively, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open her body to him, they will come to belong to each other Once they belong to each other, they can give other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
When Boaz opened his heart to Ruth and praised her Godliness, Ruth knew he respected and valued her. He told the young men not to mess with her, he protected her, he gave her water and lunch, he provided for her; she resetd near him and stayed with his people through the harvest. When she asked for his coat:
And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men
, whether poor or rich. And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest
: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman
. Ruth 3:10
Boaz liked Ruth asking him to marry her. He wanted her for her virtue, her character; everybody knew she was a virtuous woman. Don’t you think other women were interested in him? Boaz knew Ruth “followedst not young men” she wasn’t dating around. Boaz knew Ruth sought God. God made women for men. Boaz knew that a woman who works hard, acts modestly, and seeks God makes a good wife, so he married her.
Magazines and TV suggest that the only thing that matters about women is their looks. Ladies, would you rather your husband praise your looks or that he value the way you seek the will of God? Boaz praised her character, he knew she sought God and valued her for it. In truth, women, you don’t want a man who doesn’t care whether you’re seeking God no matter how beautiful he thinks you are. If he only loves your looks, what will he do as you get older or pregnant and your looks fade?
A man won’t open his heart and won’t belong to you unless he respects you. “But,” you ask, “how will a man know to respect and honor me?” There are two ways, the right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is to date and hope he’ll respect you, maybe he’ll marry you. That doesn’t work. Look around and see if your friends’ relationships are working. They generally aren’t. How do you do it differently?
Here’s how my wife did it. We met at church, I told her I’d be away for a month but that I’d date her when I got back, and I asked her out the next time I saw her. She said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out at all, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether we should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends. I’m not a toy, I don’t want a man to play with me, I want a man to stay with me.”
I valued that and so has every man I’ve told. Men know they don’t understand women, men know that an unhappy woman is a hardship, a man worries about keeping you happy. If you state what you want clearly and simply and explain your needs before you date, a man can know whether he can give you rest or not.
Think about it from my point of view. Her telling me she expected to be a treasure for her husband was a great recommendation. What man wouldn’t want a woman who planned to be God’s treasure for him?
She wanted me to agree on why we were together. She put marriage on the table and insisted that I treat her as a treasure. I soon decided that she’d told the truth about being a treasure and took her to wife.
During my trip, my aunt asked if I knew any women, I said I’d just met one, but I wasn’t thinking marriage. When she mentioned marriage, I realized that marrying her might be a good idea, but without her bringing it up, I don’t know if I’d have thought of it.
Who mentioned marriage first, Boaz or Ruth? Men don’t always think of marriage, ladies, I didn’t, Boaz didn’t. My wife didn’t ask for marriage, she asked me to consider marriage; it’s in your interest to put marriage on the table before the first date. So what if he walks away? If he’s opposed to marriage, if your being God’s treasure doesn’t move him, you don’t want to fall in love with him. Guard your heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Ask God About Him
You must know whether a man respects you before marrying. Boaz showed Ruth respect by opening his heart and taking care of her, but how do you know? There are two steps in finding out, ask God, then ask the man.
Ye have not, because ye ask not. James 4:2b
Women ask for very little and that’s often what they get; my wife asked for respect and became my treasure. It’s hard to be a Biblical wife without your husband’s cooperation. God promises wisdom if you ask Him (II Chronicles 1:11, James 1:5). Pray fervently that God will show your friend’s heart before you fall in love. Pray that God will reveal any reason you and he shouldn’t marry, and obey what God shows you.
If you let God choose your husband, He’ll give you to a man who delights in you. It hurts a woman to marry a man who isn’t pleased with her. She’ll try something, he’ll like it, she’ll do something similar, and he won’t like it. She’ll second-guess, “Last week, he liked this, he didn’t like that…” If you find yourself constantly changing and hoping to please him, he probably isn’t the right man – the right man appreciates you as God made you. You’ll have to change your ways as you and your husband grow into your new life together, but it’s not a good idea to marry a man if you find yourself changing your basic nature to try to please him.
Ask the Man to Show Himself
After you ask God whether this guy will give you rest, it’s time to ask the man. You should have asked for respect from the beginning. If things look good, you’d better find out whether he respects your mind and your thought process before you’re too much in love to back out without being hurt.
God made you to be your husband’s help meet and you can’t help him unless he explains what he wants. I Cor. 11:9 says that you were made for a man and Gen. 3:16 says that your desire is toward your husband. How did God do this? How did God overcome your desire for independence and make you want to please a man? God gave you and almost all women an intense desire for a man’s praise. Why else have a man at all?
You want to please your husband (I Corinthians 7:34), but you can’t please him without knowing him. The Bible commands honoring your husband; it forbids fornication, theft, and adultery. In areas such as the car you drive or the school you attend, however, God gives us liberty to use our intelligence and free will.
As you and your husband make decisions, you’ll feel left out unless he asks your views and draws on your knowledge. Any man who ignores his wife’s gifts and knowledge when making decisions is a fool (Mt. 27:17-20). God gave you a different way of thinking so that you could help him more effectively. Your womanly point of view helps make it less likely that you’ll overlook possibilities. What doesn’t occur to him may suggest itself to you, and vice versa, but you can’t help him if he won’t listen to you.
Ask his views on drinking coffee, dancing, movies, rock music, Bible versions, spanking children, TV, or women wearing trousers to see whether he discusses issues with you or just tells you. A woman has a hard time telling flattery from praise, it’s hard to tell whether he wants to toy with you or to have you be his treasure and take you to wife. If you tell an older woman what he says, she can tell a man who treasures you from a man who’s toying with you. A friend your age can’t do it; Naomi was a generation older than Ruth.
Ask him what Jacob should have done when he awoke and “Behold, it was Leah,” (Gen. 29:25). Most men say Jacob was right to demand Rachel because she was beautiful, but God looks on the heart instead of appearance. God let Laban trick Jacob into taking Leah to wife. All things work together for good to them who are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). Should Jacob have let God order his steps (Ps. 37:23)?
God doesn’t force people to follow His will, Jacob got what Jacob wanted (Ps. 106:15), but he had four jealous women fighting for his attention. All but two of his children knew their father didn’t love their mother, how did that turn out? Contentment comes from yielding to the Master. Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Tim. 6:6), and Jacob found little contentment. Should he have been content with Leah?
Discuss Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11. Ananias wanted to keep back money, they discussed it, she agreed, they were struck dead. Some say they were co-conspirators, but the use of singular and plural in the passage shows that it was his idea and his wife agreed; that’s what submission is. A husband should get his wife’s agreement when making decisions. Sapphira was submitting to her husband’s idea when she was struck dead, does this teach that there are limits to your submission? Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin,” commanding you to do things you don’t agree with forces you to sin because you can’t have faith in what you do. You need to know whether he believes there are limits to your submission. Should you marry a man who believes that God wants you to obey him without question no matter what?
Ask him why God put this verse in the Bible:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Most men ridicule the idea of paying attention to a wife’s dreams, but Pilate should have listened. Does God ever try to tell a husband something by telling his wife (Judges 13:2-13)?
Ask who misquoted God. Comparing Genesis 2:17 with Genesis 3:3 shows that Eve misquoted God to the serpent. Eve didn’t get it from God, Adam could have added to what God said. Heb. 12:20 shows that Moses added to what God said in Exodus 19:10-15. The Bible doesn’t say whether Eve or Adam added to God’s words. Genesis 3:6 shows that Adam was there “with her,” why didn’t he correct her or stop her?
You must find out his beliefs of what women are. Men have two basic views of women, “last in creation, first in the fall” or “last at the cross, first at the tomb.” You’ll recognize the attitudes. The first blames women for the fall, everything goes wrong is a woman’s fault. The Bible says Adam blamed Eve:
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
A man who believes this thinks he’d be OK if his wife didn’t lure him to sin. The nicer she tries to be, the subtler he thinks Satan is and the harder he resists her. A woman who marries such a man dies inside.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
She yearns to please her husband and can’t, her bones dry and you see death in her eyes. But it’s a lie!
This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created
. Genesis 5:1-2
For Adam was first formed
, then Eve… I Timothy 2:13
Eve wasn’t last in creation; they were created on the same day as one creature. They stayed one creature while Adam named the animals. God then separated Eve out of Adam’s body into her own form.
Wherefore, as by one man
sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: … For as by one man’s disobedience
many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:12, 19
Eve didn’t cause the fall, “one man” did. The fall came after they were separated into a man and a woman; Adam caused the fall. The 1st view of women is false. The 2nd view is Biblical, women were last at the cross and first at the tomb. Which way do you want your husband to think about you?
The Bible teaches that a wife is a gift from God (Pro. 18:22, Mt. 7:11, James 1:17). Can he say from his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you?”
You need to understand his thought process. Does he listen to your views, combining your knowledge, experience, and beliefs with his, or does he shut off discussion, saying, “That’s the way it is”?
If he’ll discuss the Bible with you, not lecture you, but discuss it back and forth, if he’s willing to honor what you’ve found in the Bible, to gently point out areas where you and he disagree, to work hard to bring harmony, to respect your views when making decisions, and to honor your walk with God, you’ll be able to accept his leadership. You’ll have trouble resting in him if he won’t explain himself or if you can’t respect him.
CONCLUSION
Here are Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than to have a husband without God. 2) Realize that you’re made for him and he’s not made for you. You’re the tail on his kite, so you’d better be sure his kite has a string. If he has a string, the two of you can soar together, but if he has no string, you’ll bump along the ground and get all muddy. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you so you find rest in cleaning up after him and in belonging to him. 4) Be hard to get, don’t give a man rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice from an older woman no matter how old you are. 6) Make sure he listens to you by opening his heart to you and that he accepts your need to talk all your days.
Pr. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his future wife. Working mothers don’t have the time or the emotional energy to do that, so you’ll have to explain your needs.
Since you probably won’t meet a man who knows your reputation, you’ll have to declare that you’re a treasure up front and prove it by acting like a treasure. Treasures dress modestly instead of dressing in marketing mode and they don’t “date around” or flirt.
You’ll have to test him to make sure he respects your thoughts enough to give you rest, we’ve seen ways to find out whether he respects what the Holy Spirit teaches you. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, but it’s hard for a woman to be a treasure for a man who won’t give her rest.
This can also help fix broken marriages. Very few women have been taught to declare that they’re treasures. A woman should declare herself before marriage, but it’s never too late to declare that God meant you to be your husband’s treasure and start acting like it (1 Pe. 3:1-2), nor is it too late for a man to start treasuring his wife and appreciating her as taught in the Song of Solomon and Proverbs 31:28-30. Remember, nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, not even once.
Can he say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If a man lives by that from the time they meet until the day he dies, his wife will have rest in belonging to him, and she can give him rest in the same way Rebekah comforted Isaac (Gen. 24:67). A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
Verses and Passages Relating to Marriage
Gen. 1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. 6-7, 9, 11, 14-15, 24, 29-30 – if God says something is so, it is so.
Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Genesis 2:23-24 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. This is a very possessive remark – did Adam ask her what she wanted to be called? Or did he just name her?
Genesis 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
Genesis 4:7 If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him. Matthew Henry and John Wesley applied this to Abel’s desire to follow his older brother.
Genesis 5:1-2 This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.
Genesis 5:3 And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth:
Genesis 15:7-9 And he said unto him, I am the LORD that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it. And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it? And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.
Genesis 16:6 But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. The angel restored peace in 16:9.
Gen. 29:30-35, Gen. 30:14-16, Gen. 37:25-35, I Sam. 1:1-7, Ecc. 7:27-28 issues of polygamy
Genesis 24:65 For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself.
Genesis 24:67 And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.
Genesis 25:1 Then again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah. Concubine in I Chron. 1:32-33
Genesis 26:35 Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and Rebekah. Gen. 28:6-9 tells what Esau did.
Gen. 29:21 And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. – why men marry
Gen. 34 – Dinah and Shechem v 3, he loved her after raping her, but it did not work out well, 50% chance, is that good enough?
Exodus 19:10-15 And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, And be ready against the third day. … And Moses went down from the mount unto the people, and sanctified the people; and they washed their clothes. And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives. Moses added to what God said. See also Hebrews 12:20
Exodus 21:10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.
Deuteronomy 4:33 Did ever people hear the voice of God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as thou hast heard, and live?
Deuteronomy 5:25-27 Now therefore why should we die? for this great fire will consume us: if we hear the voice of the LORD our God any more, then we shall die. For who is there of all flesh, that hath heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as we have, and lived? Go thou near, and hear all that the LORD our God shall say: and speak thou unto us all that the LORD our God shall speak unto thee; and we will hear it, and do it. See also Deu 4:33
Deuteronomy 21:14 And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her. See also 21:10-13
Deuteronomy 22:20-21 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
Deuteronomy 23:21 When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee.
Deu. 24:1-2 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favor in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife. Jesus changed this, Mt. 5:32, 19:9
Judges 16:15-16 And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? thou hast mocked me these three times, and hast not told me wherein thy great strength lieth. And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;
Ruth 1:9a The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband.
Ruth 3:18 Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.
Ru. 4:13 So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: and when he went in unto her, the LORD gave her conception, and she bare a son.
I Samuel 1:6 And her adversary also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the LORD had shut up her womb.
I Samuel 2:17 Wherefore the sin of the young men was very great before the LORD: for men abhorred the offering of the LORD.
I Samuel 25:42 And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife.
II Samuel 6:16, 20-23 Michal despised David see also I Chronicles 15:29
II Samuel 13 Amnon and Tamar, hated her after raping her in v 15
II Samuel 23:15-17 David and the well at Bethlehem.
Est. 2:17 And the king loved Esther above all the women, and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the virgins; so that he set the royal crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti. See 2:12-2:17 for how harems worked
Esther 4:10-11 Again Esther spake unto Hatach, and gave him commandment unto Mordecai. All the king’s servants, and the people of the king’s provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or women, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days.
Job 2:9-10 Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.
Job 12:7-8 But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee.
Psalm 19:5 Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.
Psalm 68:6 God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.
Psalm 103:10-12He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 106:15 And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.
Psalm 119:136 Rivers of waters run down mine eyes, because they keep not thy law.
Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. – emotional fornication.
Proverbs 5:18-19 Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love.
Proverbs 5:20 And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?
Proverbs 11:21 Though hand join in hand, the wicked shall not be unpunished: but the seed of the righteous shall be delivered.
Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 12:18 There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.
Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Proverbs 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD.
Proverbs 19:14b a prudent wife is from the LORD.
Pr. 21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. 19:13, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15
Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee.
Proverbs 30:18-19 There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.
Proverbs 31:11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
Proverbs 31:28-29 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. – The Song starts with the woman praising the man, but he praises her in great detail.
Ecclesiastes 1:14 I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.
Ecclesiastes 5:5 Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay. Ecc 7:27-28 issues of polygamy
Ecclesiastes 7:27-28 Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. I Ki. 11:3 7/3
Ecclesiastes 9:9 Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun.
Song of Solomon 1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. – she praises him first
Song of Solomon 2:16 My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 4:7 Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.
Song of Solomon 6:3 I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.
Song 6:9a My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her.
Song of Solomon 7:10 I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.
Song 8:2-3 I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.
Isaiah 4:1 And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel: only let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach.
Isaiah 43:25 I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.
Ezekiel 3:20 Again, When a righteous man doth turn from his righteousness, and commit iniquity, and I lay a stumbling-block before him, he shall die: because thou hast not given him warning, he shall die in his sin, and his righteousness which he hath done shall not be remembered; but his blood will I require at thine hand. 3:18 for a wicked man, 33:6-8 watchmen must warn the wicked
Ezekiel 16:44 Behold, every one that useth proverbs shall use this proverb against thee, saying, As is the mother, so is her daughter.
Ezekiel 22:11 And one hath committed abomination with his neighbour’s wife; and another hath lewdly defiled his daughter in law; and another in thee hath humbled his sister, his father’s daughter.
Malachi 2:14-15 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
Matthew 1:5 And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse
Matthew 1:18-19 put her away privily, not divorce, they weren’t married yet.
Matthew 5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Matthew 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Matthew 7:11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
Matthew 10:34-37 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Matthew 12:36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
Matthew 19:4-6 Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Matthew 23:2 Saying The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat:
Matthew 25:40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
Mark 9:35 If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all.
Mark 10:8-9 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Mark 10:11-12 And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.
Mark 10:42-44 But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.
Luke 2:22 her purification (KJV) or their purification in the corrupted Greek manuscripts, see Leviticus 12:2-3 for the law
Luke 6:45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
Luke 7:6-8 – the centurion commanding his servant as Jesus commanded the disease.
Luke 16:16-18 The law and the prophets were until John: since that time the kingdom of God is preached, and every man presseth into it. And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail. Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.
Luke 18:17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.
John 12:10 But the chief priests consulted that they might put Lazarus also to death;
John 13:13-17 Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him. If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.
John 15:15 Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.
John 20:21-22 Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost:
Acts 4:13 Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marvelled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus.
Acts 17:6 And when they found them not, they drew Jason and certain brethren unto the rulers of the city, crying, These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also;
Acts 17:30-31 And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent: because he hath appointed a day, in the which he will judge the world in righteousness by that man whom he hath ordained; whereof he hath given assurance unto all men, in that he hath raised him from the dead.
Romans 1:29-32 Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
Romans 3:23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
Romans 5:12 Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:
Romans 6:11 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 7:4-6 Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. For when we were in the flesh, the motions of sins, which were by the law, did work in our members to bring forth fruit unto death. But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter.
Ro. 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Romans 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. See also II Timothy 1:7, spirit of power
Romans 10:8-13 But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach; that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
Romans 14:5 Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.
Romans 14:13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way.
Romans 14:22-23 Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth. And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.
Romans 15:4 For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.
Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.
I Corinthians 6:9-11 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
I Corinthians 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
I Corinthians 7:1-2 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
I Corinthians 7:3-5 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
I Corinthians 7:7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
I Corinthians 7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
I Corinthians 7:10-11 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
I Corinthians 7:15-16 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?
I Corinthians 7:27-28 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.
I Corinthians 7:33-34 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
I Corinthians 8:9 But take heed lest by any means this liberty of your’s become a stumblingblock to them that are weak.
I Corinthians 9:27 But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.
I Corinthians 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
I Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
I Corinthians 11:7b the woman is the glory of the man.
I Corinthians 11:8-9 For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.
I Corinthians 15:6 After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep.
I Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
II Corinthians 5:10-11a For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad. Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men;
II Corinthians 5:14-15 For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
Galatians 2:21 I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.
Galatians 3:10 For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse: for it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.
Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.
Galatians 4:1-2 Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father.
Galatians 4:16 Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?
Galatians 5:2-4 Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing. For I testify again to every man that is circumcised, that he is a debtor to do the whole law. Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.
Galatians 5:13-15 For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 4:12-16 For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: 13Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ: 14That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; 15But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: 16From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Ephesians 5:1 Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children;
Ephesians 5:11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.
Ephesians 5:21-33 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. 22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Philippians 2:1-8 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, 2Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. 5Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
Phil. 2:6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: not robbery to be equal to husband Gen 5:1-2
Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Colossians 3:16-19 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. 18Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 19Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
I Thessalonians 4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor;
II Thessalonians 2:2 That ye be not soon shaken in mind, or be troubled, neither by spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the day of Christ is at hand.
II Thessalonians 3:6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us.
II Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.
I Timothy 5:2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.
I Timothy 5:14 I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
I Timothy 5:22 Lay hands suddenly on no man, neither be partaker of other men’s sins: keep thyself pure.
II Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
II Timothy 2:24-26 And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; and that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.
Titus 2:3-5 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
Titus 2:14 Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.
Philemon 8-9 Wherefore, though I might be much bold in Christ to enjoin thee that which is convenient, yet for love’s sake I rather beseech thee, …
Heb. 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 9:13-14 For if the blood of bulls and of goats, and the ashes of an heifer sprinkling the unclean, sanctifieth to the purifying of the flesh: 14How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?
Hebrews 10:17 And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.
Hebrews 10:19-22 Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; And having an high priest over the house of God; Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water.
Hebrews 10:24 And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
Hebrews 13:16 But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.
James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
James 1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.
James 2:10 For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.
James 4:17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.
James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
I Peter 1:16 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.
I Peter 2:23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
I Peter 3:1-7 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I Peter 3:15 But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:
1 Peter 4:10 As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.
I Peter 5:5 Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.
II Peter 1:10-11 Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall: For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I John 4:1 Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.
I John 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
II John 1:6 And this is love, that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment, that, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk in it.
[1] The business of a farmer, comprehending agriculture or tillage of the ground, the raising, managing and fattening of cattle and other domestic animals, the management of the dairy and whatever the land produces.
[2] The business of a farmer, comprehending agriculture or tillage of the ground, the raising, managing and fattening of cattle and other domestic animals, the management of the dairy and whatever the land produces.
[3] participle passive of get. Procreated; generated.
[4] https://www.sciencealert.com/a-new-paper-claims-our-understanding-of-gravity-is-totally-wrong
[5] https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2017/09/15/proof-of-god-playing-dice-with-the-universe-found-in-the-suns-interior/?sh=2eff90203b03
[6] https://carnegiescience.edu/news/cosmic-accounting-reveals-missing-light-crisis
[7] https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2017/06/30/science-uncovers-the-origin-of-the-first-light-in-the-universe/
[8] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[9] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[10] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[11] Time Magazine, March 13, 2017, p 23
[12] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen, she also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[13] Jesus taught forgiveness. Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22. I’ve been married longer than 470 months. Assuming that my wife had to forgive me only once per month, she’s forgiven me more than 470 times. Does that mean she doesn’t have to forgive me any more? No, Jesus taught unlimited forgiveness.
[14] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[15] https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-politicization-of-motherhood-1509144044
[16] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[17] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-my-wife-told-me-before-we-were.html
[18] https://towardsdatascience.com/can-we-let-algorithm-take-decisions-we-cannot-explain-a4e8e51e2060
[19] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen, she also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[20] https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/04/190411154728.htm
[21] https://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-mens-and-womens-brains-wired-differently-120713
[22] https://www.medicaldaily.com/brain-facts-know-and-share-men-have-lower-percentage-gray-matter-women-292530
[23] https://goflightmedicine.com/on-combat/
[24] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6422548/
[25] https://www.medicaldaily.com/menstruation-and-female-brain-how-fluctuating-hormone-levels-impact-cognitive-341788
[26] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4285578/
POSTED BY BILL TAYLOR AT 11:20 AM
5 COMMENTS:
Justus said…
You’r marriage will stand still, only with God’s full of loveAPRIL 3, 2021 AT 12:13 AM
Justus said…
Yes obeying God’s law brought blessings!!JULY 19, 2021 AT 1:02 AM
Unknown said…
Yes my father thank you so much for your words of God 🙏 am very happy for you and your work on God your welcome to visit in Uganda East Africa God bless you and your work on GodDECEMBER 29, 2021 AT 7:46 AM
Unknown said…
Thanks brother for deep sharing on marriage in fact it really inspirational, I would indeed love others to get an opportunity to read your message. May God give you more breath to write on this topic. Yes you will get many marriages started well but in between the lines things turns sour, probably it may be a man’s or woman’s fault. I am excited to read this artcleJUNE 19, 2022 AT 9:25 PM
Unknown said…
Yes indeed wonderful words for a far leading marriage, thanks for sharing am so blessed. Many can try to drive their marriage by their own understanding but leaning and giving God an opportunity to lead your marriage can make it so lovely and God fearing.
Shalom brother LukoyeJUNE 19, 2022 AT 9:28 PM
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And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her.
· She became his wife because they had made public marriage vows before he took her.
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but doing it is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him, but this requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation as taught in the Song of Solomon.
80-90% of how a marriage works out depends on how a man treats his wife after they marry, but 80% of that depends on how high she and he set her value by protecting her virtue before they marry (Pr. 31:10).
ISAAC SUPPLIED THE TENT
Most women delight in a man’s attention. A woman can easily become emotionally involved with a man who claims to love her. Playing boy-girl games when you aren’t ready for marriage is like playing with matches and gasoline when you don’t want to start a fire. People aren’t toys, and playing with each other before you’re mature enough to think of a permanent marriage partner can lead to serious emotional damage.
There are only three ways it can turn out, all of them are bad:
1) You can break up. This hurts, but shows you can survive breaking up. This prepares you for divorce later.
2) You can marry before you’re mature enough or have enough income. Mature adults have troubles with the duties and responsibilities of marriage, and marriage is far harder on younger people.
3) You can get involved physically without commitment to each other, which adds to the emotional damage.
The teen years and early twenties are a time for striving to learn what you must know to join the ranks of productive, responsible adults; it’s not a time to wish you were already grown up. Isaac was 40 years old (Gen. 5:20) and had enough money to support Rebecca when he married her. This is a husband’s duty.
Jesus spoke of His servants being obliged to do their duty to Him:
So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. Luke 17:10
When God gives a woman to a man to be his wife, God expects him to nourish and cherish her (Eph 5:29).
HE TOOK REBEKAH
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her
. Genesis 29:21
A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her. Marriage is wonderful enough to be worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: 19The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: I Corinthians 7:9a
Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” The man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her. Naomi gave Ruth the best advice on getting marriage you’ll ever hear:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter
, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth brought it up, it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. What if a woman gives him rest outside marriage? Her value falls (Pr. 31:10). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else?
SHE BECAME HIS WIFE
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication
: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour
; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter
: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. I Thessalonians 4:3-8
Some say that this refers to a man possessing his own body, but “vessel” in “as unto the weaker vessel (1 Pe. 3:7)” describes something that receives. In marriage, the man’s body gives and the woman’s body receives. Jesus said that a man and wife were “no more twain, but one flesh.” It doesn’t matter which body the passage refers to; there’s only one body in a Christian marriage.
A man sanctifies a woman, that is, sets her apart from all other women, by entering into Holy Matrimony with her before taking her. How often do we hear of a man persuading a woman to fulfill his lusts by claiming to love her? Without the sanctification of marriage, taking a woman is sinful lust which God calls “fraud.” This despises God and God will avenge this by denying the man most of the joy which God intended for marriage.
We know from news about dates gone wrong that being defrauded by being taken outside marriage can harm a woman badly and make her bitter. God gives a man the desire of his heart when he takes a woman through lying to her, but defrauding her and taking advantage of her brings leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15). Fraud followed by bitterness isn’t a good foundation for marriage. The situation can’t improve unless the man takes responsibility for defrauding her and confesses his sin to her and to their parents.
The Bible uses “took to wife (Gen. 26:34, 1 Ki. 16:31, 1 Chr. 7:15)” to indicate that the man married the woman before taking her. The Bible warns four times that opening herself to a man humbles a woman (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). The chemicals a man injects into her body make her brain produce hormones that affect her thinking. She becomes much more relaxed. She’ll lose her sense of independence and feel a desire to cling to him and to belong to him. This makes her feel vulnerable and dependent. This can be very frightening even if he’s made her feel secure, appreciated, and valued by marrying her before taking her and by opening his heart to her enough that she’s confident that he belongs to her.
If a man takes a woman outside marriage, she knows he failed to protect her from his passions as Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent. It is very difficult for a woman to follow a man whom she can’t trust.
ISAAC LOVED REBEKAH
Older women are told to teach younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4) because men are very much alike – what comforts one man will make pretty much any man feel loved, and it’s simple enough that the Bible explains it in one verse. There is no simple formula for making a wife feel loved because women are so different from each other, but the Bible describes the result. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye when sending them back to their families to find husbands, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without modern machinery. In a muscle-powered society with no “safety net,” wives depend on husbands for food. Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that they were valued and appreciated by their husbands as taught in the Song of Solomon.
Watching a couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
: Eat and drink
, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee
. Proverbs 23:7
A man can claim he loves a woman and provide for her without giving his heart to her. Naomi wanted each daughter to find an appreciative husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7). What was Delilah’s complaint against Samson?
And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me
? Judges 16:15a
The woman in the Song is confident that her husband has opened his heart enough to belong to her:
My beloved is mine
, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine
: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her and wouldn’t belong to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but she could see that he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her (Song 2:16)? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader, a story that happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. What she did wasn’t nice, but who betrayed whom first?
Women share their hearts routinely in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14). They have a hard time understanding that it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as for a woman to open her body. A man’s emotions are as powerful as a woman’s. Japanese say “One hair of a woman’s head pulls more strongly than ten yoke of oxen” and Chinese say that a man in love rides a wild horse. Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death
; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare a man. Although he may declare his love to her, he may not admit his love to himself.
Having created Peter, Jesus knew how Peter felt. Peter had seen Jesus weeping and grieving over the cities of Israel (Mt. 11:23, 23:37, Lk. 10:15, 13:34). Peter did not want the sorrow of loving people and seeing them fall away (Jn. 11:35) so he hid his emotions from himself.
John 21:15-19 tells how Jesus asked three times whether Peter loved Jesus. Peter finally admitted to filios, brotherly love. Did Jesus’ questions make Peter love Him? No, Peter already loved Jesus – he wept bitterly when he betrayed Jesus (Mt. 26:75) – but he didn’t want to feel his love, knowing how love can lead to sorrow.
If a man won’t admit to himself that he loves his wife enough to be hurt by her, he can’t convince her he loves her and she won’t be able to comfort him as he expects. Opening herself to him makes her more sensitive to his feelings about her. If he values her skills, feelings, thoughts, and everything else about her, feeling loved more strongly makes her happy. She won’t mind being humbled and will be glad to see him delight in her. If she doesn’t think he’s pleased with her, she won’t want to be more sensitive to his feelings.
A woman has a thousand thousand ways to deflect her husband’s desire, but the fault is generally his. She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. The secret of a man finding happiness in marriage is to convince his wife that he’s truly happy with her. That will make her happy with him which makes him happy. The Song of Songs starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
She likes getting physical because he appreciates her. Husbands and wives want to please each other:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife
. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband
. I Corinthians 7:32-34 *
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
Women are made for men, so a wife generally cares more about pleasing her husband than he cares about pleasing her. The Book of Proverbs warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24, 27:15) that an unhappy wife is a hardship; many say, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones
. Proverbs 17:22
Men, don’t dry your wife’s bones. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to please you? She can’t please you if she doesn’t know what you want. The only way she can be confident of pleasing you is for you to open your heart enough for her to learn your ways in detail.
When a woman finds she can’t please her husband no matter how she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photos. Men, if you want to be happy in marriage, be happy with your wife. That makes her happy. There is no joy this side of Heaven that compares with having your wife be happy in belonging to you.
AND THEN HE WAS COMFORTED
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
His desire seems strange to her, so the wife asks her mother for advice about her husband:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me
: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is the definition of submission. She has far more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he’ll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28).
A man can’t praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her. Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.
How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and appreciated each other constantly instead? That is the essence of the Song.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A married woman takes on the yoke of pleasing her husband. He’s commanded to dwell with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7). The only way to get this knowledge is by hours and hours of daily open-hearted conversation. This will open his heart to her enough to make his yoke easy and his burden light and convince her that he belongs to her as taught in the Song.
Courtship shows whether he trusts her (Pro. 31:11) enough to truly open his heart and he finds out whether she respects him and honors him (Eph. 5:33, 1 Pe. 3:6) in spite of his mistakes. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as his precious gift from God and she acts like his precious gift from God.
A young man is pursuing your daughter. What do you tell him?
Jesus told us that men marry; women are given in marriage (Lk. 20:34). A wife is a gift from God to her groom (Lk. 17:27). You should do your best to be sure the groom is prepared to lead your daughter so that he will receive the full blessing God intends in giving him a wife.
Christian marriage is incredibly simple. God doesn’t see our sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12, I Cor. 6:11).
God’s gift of grace means that He and His Son treat us as if we’re perfect (Romans 8:1, Ephesians 5:25-27, note “without blemish”).
Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:12, Is. 43:25, Hebrews 10:17, Eph. 5:25-27). When God washes away our sins (Hebrews 9:14, 10:19-22), what’s left is perfect. Ephesians 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God treats us as perfect, so we must follow God and treat our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, tell everyone your spouse is perfect for you (Song 6:9), and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6).
Marriage prospers if the husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas 1:17). He’s to serve, love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29, Song 4:7, 6:9) as perfect, she’s to serve him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33 Col. 3:18) even though neither of them deserve the other! Is he prepared to forgive your daughter as God forgives him? Can she forgive?
That’s simple, but “simple” doesn’t mean “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but it’s far from easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a short stroll across a continent.
THE REWARDS OF MARRIAGE
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight in belonging to him as the wife in the Song of Solomon delights in belonging to her husband. Assuming he’s saved and has found a job which can support her and a place to house her (Ge. 24:67), you’ll want to point out Biblical ideas to help him receive all the joy God intended for marriage (Ecc. 9:9, Pr. 5:18-19, Pr. 30-18-19).
Nourishing and cherishing a wife as God expects is a lot of work; it’s important that he be strongly drawn to her. The time will come when she’s got the flu, she’s pregnant out to here, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she’s too sick to do anything about it. If he’s as smitten with her as the husband in the Song, he’ll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.
The story of the talents (Lk. 19) teaches that Our Lord holds us accountable for how we administer the gifts He gives us (I Cor. 12:1-18). God expects a husband to know his wife’s God-given gifts and to encourage her to develop and use them for His glory as they glorify God together (I Peter 3:7).
The Jews were exiled to Babylon when they didn’t fulfill God’s conditions. They didn’t keep His law (Je. 32:23) and they didn’t give the land its Sabbaths (II Chr. 36:21). God formed your daughter from her mother’s womb to be His good and perfect gift (Jas. 1:7, Mt. 7:11, I Cor. 11:9) to her husband. You want your son-in-law to fulfill God’s conditions so he can receive the full blessing of receiving your daughter as an unmerited gift from God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.
The Old Testament explains how. Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel received from his mother. She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:
· Don’t mess with women (Pr. 31:3).
· Don’t abuse mind-altering substances (Pr. 31:4-5).
· Take care of your people when they’re hurting (Pr. 31:6-7).
· Treat your people fairly (Pr. 31:8-9).
He can’t fulfill the last two without building open, loving relationships. How else can he distinguish between needy and lazy, the good and the glib? Mrs. Lemuel’s wisdom helps him in any path he walks.
She also told her son what to expect from the virtuous wife you have trained your daughter to be:
· She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life (Pr. 31:12). He must explain what he regards as good so she can follow him. That’s another reason for him to open his heart to her (1 Pe. 3:7).
· The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her (Pr. 31:11, Pr. 12:4). Many men won’t admit their emotions even to themselves for fear of being hurt. Jesus had to force the Apostle Peter to admit that Peter loved Christ (Jn. 15:21-17). Will he not only admit his love for your daughter to himself, but communicate it daily to her? It’s easier for a woman to follow a man when she knows he loves her.
· She openeth up her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr.31:26, Pr. 12-18). God expects her words to always be health to him (Pr. 12:18) so he’ll want to hear what she has to say.
Mrs. Lemuel then outlined God’s terms and conditions so that her son could receive the blessing:
· Teach his children, by telling them and by showing them, to praise and appreciate her every action and her never-ending labor on behalf of her home (Pr. 31:28).
· Praise her as a uniquely wonderful wife who “excelleth them all” (Pr. 31:29). The Song explains how.
· She works mostly in the home, so he must praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31), at home, and at church.
LEADING IN MEEKNESS
Having given him your daughter to be his wife, God gives him authority over her, his children, and his home. Jesus told us to exercise authority meekly (Mk. 9:35, Mk. 10:42-45, II Tim. 2:24-25) in any role.
God gave Moses authority to get water by speaking to the rock (Nu. 20:7-12). Moses exceeded his authority and struck the rock. Moses’ acting in anger instead of in meekness (Nu. 12:3) abused the authority God had given him and cost him the blessing of entering the Promised Land (II Tim. 2:24-25).
Parents labor to teach children never to react in anger by age 2 or 3 (Pr. 22:24, 25:28, 29:22). We teach them to relate, discuss, share, and care about the other person (Phil. 2:3). Did his parents teach him this? His view of your daughter will be very important to her after they’re married. She won’t be able to love him as much as she wants to love him if he hurts her with his words (Pr. 12:18, 22:24).
He decides whether he trusts her enough to open his heart to her to learn about her and dwell according to knowledge as God commands (I Pe. 3:7) during courtship. God rewards this – hours and days of open-hearted conversation which give him knowledge of her teaches her about him. This makes his yoke easy and her burden light (Mt. 11:29-30), giving her rest unto her soul (Ru. 1:9). Once she rests in confidence that she pleases him (I Co. 7:34), she can make him happy in ways he would never imagine to command.
God constructed women’s brains to think so differently that it takes hours and hours of daily conversation for her to understand him well enough to follow him and to please him. A woman can’t obey or follow what she doesn’t understand. Women who conclude that they can’t please their husbands die inside. We see death in their eyes, even in photographs. You don’t want that for your daughter.
HOW IS HIS WALK WITH GOD?
Does he truly believe that God is good? Most Christians say that, but few search the Bible for keys to happiness. When God created the heavens and the earth, the only “not good” was Adam being alone. After God created Eve to help Adam, it was all “very good.” Does he believe that in his bones?
“Help” comes from ezer, as in “from whence cometh my ezer (Ps. 121:1).” A wife is a valuable help, but she needs to understand him to know how to help, and that takes hours of daily conversation for years, even after children are born. It’s virtually impossible for her to rejoice in meeting his physical needs unless he meets her needs for emotional connection. She sees what he wants as vain repetition, just as he sees her talk.
Men think women want to talk about the same old thing, women think men want to do the same old thing. Both wonder why the other party isn’t bored. God made them different!
WILL HE APPRECIATE HER AS GOD MADE HER?
Many foolish men think that God made women incorrectly; that’s why He commanded “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” Agapao is an imperative act of will. Will he obey? Can his tongue be health to her (Pr. 12:18, 15:1) when he’s frustrated (Pr. 25:28) or when he’s been too busy to give her the emotional support she needs by talking about her concerns (Phil. 2:4, He. 13:16)?
The Bible describes the wife as the weaker vessel (I Pe. 3:7). Whatever he does or does not do to her, he does or does not do to Christ (Mt. 25:40, Mt. 25:45). Does he know this? Does he believe it? Will he act on it?
When God, the stronger party, offered His covenant, Abraham, the weaker party, gave up his animals to provide blood to seal God’s berith. A berith is one-sided; it bound God no matter how Abraham’s descendants abused the covenant. When your daughter accepts his berith, she gives up her innocence to provide the blood to seal her husband’s (Mal. 2:14) berith for herself and for her children forever.
Does he value stories in the OT “for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition (I Cor. 10:10-11)?” Nowhere in the entire Bible does a husband criticize his wife. Not once. Will he teach his children to honor and appreciate the effort that goes into making food (Pr. 31:18), even if they don’t like a particular dish?
Does he know that God sometimes speaks to a man through his helpmeet (Jud. 13:2-13, Mt. 27:19)?
The Bible commands older women to instruct the younger. Ruth accepted Naomi’s advice even though she had been married and knew about men. Naomi gave her the best possible advice how to get married (Ru. 3:18). The wife in the Song asked her mother and got the best possible advice how to stay married (Song 8:3).
My wife tells young ladies that a husband dreams of 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his dream (Ge. 29:21). Girls who’ve never dated somehow know that a husband’s drive will be invasive, messy, and take away all independence. Rebekah knew Isaac’s agenda would have a major emotional impact on her. She veiled herself to get a little space (Ge. 24:64-65).
Giving herself to her husband is the foundation of submission. What drives a man to marry (Ge. 29:21) and to come home (Song 2:8)? What does “took to wife
(Ge. 26:24, Ex. 2:1, I Ki. 16:31, I Chron. 7:15)” mean?
If a wife welcomes her husband’s advances, encourages him when he hasn’t asked, tells him, “I like your seed. Let’s do that again as soon as you can” as the spirit moves her, both he and she will be convinced that she belongs to him. That makes it hard for women at work to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he’s more vulnerable to temptation and they’re likely to get burned (Pro. 6:27).
God was serious in saying that it was not good for a man to be alone; men generally die before their wives. A wife can shorten her widowhood by keeping her husband healthy. She can say, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape.” The more he exercises and the healthier he eats, the longer he’ll live.
God made men possessive. If she convinces him that she’s truly his, he’ll tend to take care of her. If her happiness is his, he’ll find that making her happy makes him happier than anything he can do for himself. Solomon’s labor was vanity and chasing wind because he did it for himself. “I gat me, I builded me….” If he dedicates his work and his life to nourishing his wife, children, and church, his work won’t be vain at all.
AND THEY TWAIN SHALL BE ONE FLESH: SO THEN THEY ARE NO MORE TWAIN, BUT ONE FLESH. (MK. 10:8)
Her husband must make this possible. Giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10). It calms her, takes away her independence, and makes her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s angry or unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel that more strongly and will try to evade him. If, on the other hand, he works as hard as the husband in the Song to convince her that he rejoices in her to the point that he doesn’t see others as women, only as people, she’ll rejoice in his joy as she gives herself to him.
This affects the way she walks, the way she talks, and her facial expressions. Anyone can see it.
God designed women so that a wife multiplies whatever her husband gives her and reflects it back to him.
Think about making babies. He gives his wife one tiny cell. She nourishes what he gave her within herself and gives him a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of that baby has his mark in it (Gen. 5:3). If he gives her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if he gives her a girl cell, she makes a girl. We reap what we sow:
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
Wives demonstrate this. God gave your daughter sensitive emotions so that a she wants her husband to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether he’s pleased or not. Her emotions make her into a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex his soul to death (Jud. 16:16), multiply his unhappiness, and give all his unhappiness back to him. If he gives her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness he gives her and fill his house with the light of his joy in her. Men reap what they sow to their wives, very quickly.
Whatever he feels about her determines how she fills his house. Sow a boy cell, reap a boy. Sow a cell of love; reap a house full of love. The secret of happiness in marriage is to be happy with his wife so she can multiply his happiness and reflect it back to him.
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight in belonging to him, but he must give her a lot to rejoice about (Ecc. 9:9). Marriage prospers if a man treats his wife as God’s precious unmerited gift from God and from her, and she acts like God’s gift to him.
Can he look your daughter in the eye now, before marriage, and tell her, “For God so loved man that he gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If he can say that, and mean it, and act on it, she will be happy in belonging to him.
There is no joy this side of heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to hi, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently
God made males and females different to help us be fruitful and multiply. Instead of trusting that a good God knew what He was doing when He created us, many men and women complain that God made their spouses wrong. Women complain that men are too possessive, too controlling, and can’t find anything in a refrigerator. Men complain that women are too emotional and talk too much.
God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her (1 Pe. 3:7). Very few women or men can explain their thought processes. This chapter discusses the way male and female brains work to give couples a basis for sharing the way they think. Understanding draws them closer.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply
, Genesis 1:27-28a
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou [Adam] eat bread, Genesis 3:19a
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, Genesis 24:67a
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house
, I Timothy 5:14a
God told Adam to live by the sweat of his face without mentioning Eve. Isaac supplied the tent where his wife would live. A husband provides food, clothing and shelter for his wife who guides their house. God created women to help their husbands (Gen. 2:18, 20), and the Bible values multiple sources of advice:
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. Proverbs 15:22
A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and counsel when making decisions. Even if her ideas aren’t always practical, her ideas may stimulate his thoughts and help make better decisions. In our decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion to get all the facts, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are understood.
The benefits of knowledge sharing are great. That’s one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24).
God designed men and women to think differently. I saw my mother’s mind work when a baby cried in the next apartment. The hormones of pregnancy make a mother sensitive to a baby’s cry[14]. My mother couldn’t stand the baby’s distress. She knocked, said, “Can I help you,” and picked up the baby.
Hormones on a woman’s skin affect a baby’s brain[15]. The mother’s hormones of fear made her baby afraid. My mother’s calmer hormones made the baby stop crying from fear and start crying about what was wrong. Mom showed the mother how to fix it. God designed women’s hearing to be sensitive to baby noises but it takes teaching and experience for a mother to learn to deal with the sounds of her baby.
HOW WOMEN THINK
When men complain that women think emotionally, women feel that men believe that women don’t think at all. This makes them unhappy and unwilling to try to explain how they think, which lowers decision quality.
Dismissing women’s thoughts goes back to the Greek philosophers who gave us forward and backward chaining which doctors use. The doctor collects facts – blood pressure, temperature, weight, height, and your history. You describe your symptoms. The doctor “forward chains” from the facts and guesses what’s wrong.
Suppose the doctor thinks you have pellagra. If that’s true, you’ll have other symptoms. The doctor “backward chains” from the guess and orders tests to see if you have the expected symptoms. “We need more tests” means that the guess was wrong, backward chaining failed, but they now have more facts. They’ve forward chained to another guess for which backward chaining needs more facts. It is easy to explain conclusions found through forward and backward chaining.
Greeks also gave us Aristotelian logic – if A is true, not A is false. When Rome conquered Greece, they learned geometry and logic. They couldn’t have built roads or bridges without these intellectual tools.
These ways of thinking are so useful that men tend to believe that their way is the only way to think. When the Greek philosophers came down from their lofty discussions of logic, they found that the women whom they’d left guiding the house didn’t think that way. Instead of seeing that there was another way to think, they assumed that women didn’t think at all. Modern men are no better at valuing women’s thoughts.
Women think holistically, which means “involving or emphasizing the whole.” Everything in the house and everyone she knows is connected to everything else like a multidimensional picture in her mind. This helps a woman find things and makes it easier for her to fit each new baby into the family.
My wife once saw a group of kids running. That child’s hurt!” she exclaimed even though we were too far away to identify any. One child had a sprained ankle and been given crutches but didn’t want to use them. The way that child ran disturbed my wife. Being able to see or hear one wrong note in a complex situation helps raise children – a choking baby needs help now no matter what else the mother is doing.
This Smithsonian article[16] describes motherhood “as an unseen and poorly understood cellular-level revolution that rebuilds the female brain.” A high-level executive was amazed to find herself watching her newborn wave and kick for hours on end. Her brain was learning normal movement so that if her child was hurt, she would immediately see that something was wrong and take care of it.
A holistic situational sense can protect women from bigger, stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” urges us to pay attention to our feelings. Many women who’d been robbed or raped reported feeling uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. His book said we should pay attention when we feel something’s wrong. Judges 16:18 teaches that a woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks.
IT CAN BE HARD TO EXPLAIN
My wife’s father respected her thoughts as given of God to fulfill God’s instructions to marry and have children, but he insisted that she try as hard as she could to explain her feelings. That helped me as I learned how to care for her. She told me many things about herself and her thoughts which were so helpful that we wrote them down for our granddaughter[17].
Even with decades of practice, it can be hard for her to explain. A friend was in the hospital for heart surgery. His washing machine failed. My wife offered to do his wife’s laundry and bought 2 laundry carriers. When I asked why she hadn’t put the clothes in a trash bag, she said she hadn’t thought of it. I knew that wasn’t the reason but she couldn’t explain. The next day she told me her friend folded dirty laundry in the pile waiting to be washed! Her friend would be unhappy if clean clothes came back jumbled in a bag. With her husband in the hospital, my wife didn’t want to add to her stress. She knew this without knowing how she knew until she figured it out the next day. As Prof. Chomsky said, “Experts don’t think – they know!”
When researchers used computers for Artificial Intelligence (AI), they began with forward and backward chaining. This gave us “expert systems” whose conclusions could be explained. As AI advanced to “deep learning,” computers reach conclusions we can’t understand. “Can we let algorithm take decisions we cannot explain?[18]” points out that unexplained decisions make people nervous, just as men get nervous when a woman reaches a strongly-held conclusion she can’t explain and which makes no sense to them.
HOW GOD DID THIS
Research shows that men and women have different verbal[19] and spatial reasoning[20] skills. God gave male and female brains the same basic structure and the same brain cells but the connections are different.
“Men’s and Women’s Brains Are Wired Differently, but What Does It Mean?[21]”
The brain is split into two halves, called hemispheres. Verma’s study found that men have more connections within each hemisphere of the cerebrum, linking the regions for planning and decision-making with the regions for sight and speech.
Women, on the other hand, have more connections between each hemisphere, allowing the two halves of the brain to share information more easily. In the cerebellum, the brain’s physics and motion calculator, the opposite was true—men had more connections between the two hemispheres, and women had more connections within each hemisphere.
The study found minimal gender differences in children under the age of 13, but the differences were much more distinct by age 17. Many brain wiring changes occur during puberty, and men and women seem to develop differently. [emphasis added]
“Brain Facts To Know And Share: Men Have A Lower Percentage Of Gray Matter Than Women[22]”
Did you know women have a higher percentage of gray matter than men? And, not only do men have more white matter, percentage-wise, they also have more cerebrospinal fluid.
According to the researchers, the “results suggest that male brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action, whereas female brains are designed to facilitate communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes.” [emphasis added]
“Intuitive processing modes” may be what helps women find things in the refrigerator better than men can. A woman married without seeing her husband’s house. “The living room was full of tires,” she said. A man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them. “It took a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went slowly and carefully instead of just taking over his house. As he learned to trust her to find socks, underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Our brain cells connect into “neural clusters” which store memories, hear sounds, process images the eyes see, and do many other things to keep us alive. The way brain cells connect determines how the brain operates. Hormones carried in the blood to the brain also affect thinking. The adrenalin rush to the brain in times of fear can bring tunnel vision to focus on the threat and help you see more clearly[23]. A woman’s hormones change during pregnancy and during her monthly cycle; this also affects her brain.
“Hormonal Influences on Cognitive Function[24]”
Hormones are the chemical regulators of the human body and function critically to maintain various processes, such as growth, emotions and even cognition. Numerous studies have examined the relationship between hormonal effects and cognitive function; these studies have investigated different factors, such as aging, pregnancy, post-natal states, emotions and stress. Different types of hormones produce different outcomes for the human body and mind.
… sexual hormones … are commonly associated with cognitive function …
“Menstruation And The Female Brain: How Fluctuating Hormone Levels Impact Cognitive Function”[25]
Days before your period you may feel as if you’re walking around in a mental fog. During premenstrual syndrome (PMS), hormones begin to fluctuate and alter the levels of brain chemicals that keep you balanced and alert, but what exactly happens to the brain during your period?
Usually, after the first few days, there will be a surge of estrogen levels that will stimulate the release of endorphins that eliminate the mental change or hormonal cloud present during PMS.
“Estrogen levels are closely linked with women’s emotional well-being as estrogen affects parts of the brain that control emotions,” Dr. Ben Michaelis, a clinical psychologist in New York City and author of “Your Next Big Thing,” told Medical Daily. He believes the first few days of menstruation usually mark the “happy time” of the month, as some women report feeling more energetic, happy, and even inspired. This is why the rise in estrogen levels helps suppress stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol.
The rise in estrogen levels during the menstrual cycle deters women from impulsive decision-making. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Neuroscience found greater increases in estrogen levels across the menstrual cycle compared to impulsive behavior during the beginning of menstruation when estrogen levels are low.
However, low estrogen levels during the beginning of the menstrual cycle can provide benefits. Women tend to display greater brain activity when thinking about positive experience such as winning money at the start of their cycle than women who are in the other stages of the cycle.
When God made us male and female, He structured our brains as differently as our muscles.[26] These differences help husbands and wives fulfill the different roles God gave us in forming families. A woman’s holistic thinking treats the family, house, and children as one complicated picture where she can quickly see anything that’s going wrong and helps her find items in the refrigerator. This helps her keep her babies alive, but makes her easy to interrupt. A man is harder to interrupt. He focuses strongly as he must get his seeds planted at the right time, he must complete the harvest at the right time, or he must focus on a game trail to make sure he can shoot any edible animal that comes along.
God gets servants when the servants He has bear children and raise them to serve Him. The differences in the way we think makes women better mothers than men are and helps improve decision quality in the home if husbands take advantage of the diverse thought processes God built into wives.
Psalm 68:6 explains that God loved us enough to put solitary people in families. If you don’t see how something about your spouse’s basic nature blesses you and your family, that’s your problem, not God’s.
Ruth’s Rules for Finding Rest in Marriage
God made both salvation and marriage. If you try to get to Heaven your own way instead of God’s way, you go to Hell when you die. If you try your own way of marriage instead of God’s way, you can make life Hell on earth. Our culture has become so confused about marriage that we must review God’s definition:
And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder
. Matthew 19:4-6
In God’s eyes, marriage is one man and one woman serving each other until one of them dies (Ro. 7:1-3).
Titus 2:4-5 teaches older women to teach younger women about husbands and children. The Book of Ruth shows how Naomi helped Ruth get married; the wife’s mother in the Song of Solomon advised her daughter how to stay married. A woman should seek to learn from a godly grandmother who hasn’t been divorced.
Song 2:16 says, “My beloved is mine, and I am his,” Song 6:3 says “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” God expects men and women to die to themselves, to give up their independence, belong to each other, and be no more twain, but one flesh (Mt. 19:6, Mk. 10:8). It’s hard to give up your wants in favor of someone else and belong to your spouse, but that’s what God teaches (Song 2:16, 6:3, 7:10).
A man expects that marriage means he can have his wife whenever he’s able to take her, a woman expects that marriage means that he’ll open his heart to her whenever she’s able to talk. God created women because it’s not good for men to be alone (Gen. 2:18). God had many reasons for giving women a drive to talk, but one reason was that a woman will keep her man from being alone by talking to him.
It’s hard for a woman to please her husband unless he talks to her enough for her to know what he wants. A woman feels defrauded if her husband won’t open his heart to her – it slices her heart like a knife. She feels as defrauded as her husband feels if she won’t open herself to him whenever he needs it (I Cor. 7:3-5). A woman can’t decide when her husband needs her and he can’t decide when she needs him. Both parties must sacrifice to serve the other. Did you marry to get, or did you marry to give?
It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there. It’s equally simple to have a good marriage – die to yourself one day at a time, repeat until you die.
A man may talk during courtship, but once he’s married, he believes it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk any more. The Bible says 4 times that giving herself to a man humbles a woman (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). The emotional cost of opening herself is so high that she finds it hard to give herself as often as he wants unless she’s convinced that he belongs to her.THE SACRIFICIAL COST OF A HUSBAND
Ladies, a man in your life is a lot of work and sacrifice. Many marriages break down because the woman finds out how much her husband costs after they’re married, decides he isn’t worth that, and walks out.
You won’t find rest in marriage to a man who won’t let himself belong to you. This makes your burden harder to bear. A good husband belongs to you. If a man belongs to you, if he nourishes and values you as God’s gift to him, you’ll find rest in belonging to him and you won’t mind the cost of belonging to him.
I Corinthians 7:28 says, “if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh:
” The Bible warns that having a man in your life with all that involves brings trouble. Marriage is so much trouble that the Bible says not to marry unless you must:
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good
for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain
, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:8-9
The Bible says it’s good for women not to marry and that it’s not good for men to be alone. Is marriage harder on women than on men? God meant marriage to bless men and women, but we must do it His way.
God Teaches Women How To Marry
Ruth was a widow and knew what a husband would cost; she knew she wanted to marry. A woman should marry only if she wants to belong to one specific man badly enough to cover his costs. If he isn’t worth it, don’t marry. Ruth’s story shows salvation, but it’s also a handbook how to get married, if you want to.
There’s no book telling men how to get married, in fact, I Corinthians 7:27 tells men not to look for wives. Proverbs 14:1 warns, “a wise woman buildeth her house.” The Bible says nothing about men building houses; older women will tell you that men simply can’t build houses. It’s the woman’s job to build her house because her husband can’t; and she lays the foundation before marriage.
There are many different marriages, but successful marriages follow the same rules given in the book of Ruth. It shows how Ruth set a firm foundation for her house before Boaz took her to wife. Maybe 80% of success or failure in marriage is determined by what goes before, and 90% of that is how the woman conducts herself. Proverbs 31 teaches that a virtuous woman is beyond price. A woman sets her price by what she does. If a man can have her for the price of a few dinners, she isn’t worth much.
Before dating, she should ask him to agree that the purpose of being together is to determine whether he and she will marry, his life for her life. “A wise woman buildeth her house,” starting before marriage. Today’s women won’t do exactly as Ruth did because cultures are different, but God’s principles don’t change. Few young people are taught how to get married; you can save people a lot of grief by helping them avoid divorce.
The Reality of Marriage
The first step in building a successful marriage is knowing what marriage is. The Bible explains:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
The man pays the bills and takes the woman to wife, he loves her and she comforts him. A husband houses and supports his wife and their children. Comforting a husband takes a lot of emotional energy; a husband must convince his wife daily that he loves her to give her enough emotional energy to comfort him.
Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God
. I Corinthians 10:31
Doing all to the Glory of God builds a successful marriage. You were created for the glory of God and your spouse was created for the glory of God. You’ll have to ask yourself, “Will doing this help us glorify God, or will it hinder?” Can you ask yourself that? Can you do all things to help your spouse glorify God?
That’s the main cost of marriage—becoming one with your spouse as God expects means that you give up your desires, wants, and needs in favor of your new family. It’s humbling to belong to your husband. You have to humble yourself to accept salvation; you must humble yourself in marriage. Can you die to your wants and do all things to help your husband glorify God? Do you want one particular man that badly?
BACKGROUND OF THE BOOK OF RUTH
Many sermons call Boaz the “kinsman redeemer.” Some describe him as a type of Christ who redeemed Ruth, who was not of God’s people, into the body of believers. Boaz had nothing to do with Ruth joining God’s people. Ruth chose to follow God when Naomi told her to return to her family to find a husband:
And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God
: Ruth 1:16
For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. Romans 10:10
This wasn’t “easy believism.” Ruth didn’t just talk the talk of belonging to God; she walked the long walk from Moab to Israel. Boaz wasn’t involved in her salvation or redemption; she chose to follow God.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23
Boaz is in the family line that led to Christ (1 Chr. 2:11-12), but we know little about most of them. God put details of Boaz’s life in one particular book of the Bible because he married a woman virtuous enough not only to follow after God but to be drawn into the family line that led to Jesus Christ.
Casting Boaz as Ruth’s redeemer makes him the main character, but it’s the Book of Ruth, not the Book of Boaz. With Ruth as main character, it reads as a romance novel – poverty stricken widow goes to a strange land to draw nigh to God (Jam. 4:8), works hard, doesn’t date around, marries a rich guy, becomes the great-grandmother of King David, and is in the genealogy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Mt. 1:5).
Boaz’s mother Rahab (Mt. 1:5) was also a foreign woman who believed in God (Jos. 2:8-13) and married into the line of Christ (Mt. 1:5). God accepts all who call on Him, but they must call for themselves:
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him
. Hebrews 11:6
Naomi’s advice to Ruth how to get married takes up a major part of the book whereas the mother’s advice to her daughter how to stay married takes only one verse (Song 8:3).
Naomi gave the woman’s view of marriage as she told her daughters to go back to their families:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery. Wives depend on husbands for food in a muscle-powered society with no “safety net.” Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
: Eat and drink
, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee
. Proverbs 23:7
A man can pay a woman’s expenses without giving his heart to her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7) – Naomi wanted her daughters to find appreciative husbands who liked nourishing and cherishing them.
Experience shows that 80-90% of how a marriage works depends on how a man treats his wife, but 80% of that depends on how she sets her value by her conduct before marriage (Pr. 31:10). A man who thinks he might want to marry a good woman should learn how Boaz honored Ruth so that she wanted to marry him. A woman who wants to marry should consider Ruth’s Rules for marriage:
RULE # 1 – PREPARE TO GLORIFY GOD WITH YOUR HUSBAND
Ladies, the main question in deciding whether to let a man take you to wife is does he help you glorify God? The foundation for glorifying God with your husband is glorifying God yourself before you meet him.
But seek ye first
the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Did Ruth seek first the kingdom of God? Naomi moved to Moab with her husband and sons, the sons married, the men died leaving three widows. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she tried to send her daughters back to their families where they’d find husbands, but Ruth wanted Naomi’s God:
And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Ruth’s parents would find her a husband, but nobody in her hometown believed in God. Ruth had been told she wouldn’t find a husband if she stayed with Naomi, but Ruth knew it was better to have God without a husband than to have a husband without God. Young ladies, do you believe that? Ruth could have said, “I prayed the prayer, I’m saved, I’ll let my parents find me a husband.” She said, “thy God my God” instead.
Ruth swore allegiance to Naomi’s country, to Naomi’s home, to Naomi’s people, and to Naomi’s God. Ruth summed up what marriage vows mean to your husband as she sought the kingdom of God. In this day of women’s liberation and political correctness, you may not realize what your man believes you’re promising him. It doesn’t matter what marriage vows you write. You need to know what he thinks you’re promising him.
Let’s take it one promise at a time. Ruth said, “whither thou goest, I will go,” your husband expects that you’ll go wherever he goes. How many women wanted to spend six dusty months in a bumpy covered wagon getting to Oregon? Very few, read their diaries. They didn’t want to go, but they went with their men. Ruth said, “where thou lodgest, I will lodge,” your husband expects that you’ll live wherever he puts you.
Call Him Lord
In addition to going wherever he goes and living where he puts you, your husband expects you to call him “sir” as Sarah called Abraham “lord” (I Peter 3:6). You’ll know your husband’s faults. The only way you can call him “lord” from your heart and reverence him the way the Bible commands (Ephesians 5:33) is to treat him as if he were perfect, as God treats you as perfect once you accept His offer of salvation (Heb. 10:17).
If a man belongs to you lovingly and cheerfully, his love and grace bless you. If you submit to your husband lovingly and belong to him cheerfully, your love and grace bless him. This helps you bless others.
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God
. I Peter 4:10
God gave us His grace. If we’re good stewards of His grace, we’ll share His grace and pass it on! This is powerful testimony. As lost people see you offer your husband the same grace God gave you, as they see him nourish and cherish you by offering you the grace God gave him, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.
On a day-to-day basis, reverencing your husband means you’re the tail on his kite, you hold steady as he soars. Look at couples in cars. Who’s driving? It’s almost always the man. He goes where he wants, the woman’s along for the ride, even if it’s her car. If he wants to stop and do something, he stops and does it. If she wants to stop, she has to ask permission and doesn’t always get it. You can also read stories that men read such as anything by Louis L’Amour. Have you read “Flint,” or “Warrior’s Path?”
Ever see a John Wayne movie? He’s the hero. A crisis comes, his woman views with alarm, the hero says, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” He runs off and does it while she worries.
Some sayings have a secret half. Everybody knows, “If you can walk away, it’s a good landing,” from the early days when crashes were common. Few know, “And if you can re-use the plane, it’s a great landing.” There’s another part to “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do” which is so obvious that men don’t tell you. The complete phrase is, “I gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and you’re gonna clean up the mess.” It’s worse than that, when your man’s done doing what a man’s gotta do, he’s tired, so he takes a nap. You gotta clean up the mess, and do it quietly so you don’t wake him. Does this sound familiar?
Make Your Home His Home
You also have to make your home his home. I’ve a friend who married just after graduation from college; she’d never seen her husband’s house. “He carried me over the threshold,” she told me, “and the living room was full of tires.” He had 8 tires, 4 for each vehicle. Any grandmother can tell you a man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them when he needs them. “It took me a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and another two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went carefully and slowly instead of just taking over his house. As he came to trust that she could find his socks, his underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Picture this – you’ve been married a month and you’ve got your apartment looking just right. After supper, your husband tells you he’s going to drive his motorcycle up 3 flights into your living room so he can rebuild the transmission. You now do either the right thing or the wrong thing. You can say, “Over my dead body,” but if you say that, what do you say when he drives his motorcycle into your living room and starts working on the transmission? It’s hard to get men to talk at all, its bad tactics to say anything that shuts off discussion. At least he warned you, that’s better than average.
There’s only one right answer. You say, “Lets get a tarp and roll up the edges so your parts won’t get lost.” You needn’t mention that the tarp makes it easier for you to clean up the mess. At the store, you ask, “Are you going to clean your parts? Let’s get some disposable roasting pans.” That way you’re helping, you’re on his side, you’re part of the solution, and over time, he’ll learn to trust you.
This is more important than you know. Women build relationships through talk, men build relationships through shared experiences. Men tell stories to teach, that’s not how they relate. Men who were shot at 70 years ago get together to talk about it. They tell the stories over and over, but no matter how often a young man listens, he can’t join the group because he wasn’t there, it didn’t happen to him. If you want to relate to your man, you’ll have to share experiences with him. This gives you something to talk about. Fixing his motorcycle together in your living room is a shared experience that builds your relationship with him.
The Bible says of a virtuous woman, “She will do him good and not evil” (Pro 31:12).
Ladies, there’re two ways to get a man to do what you want. You can be “a continual dripping,” you can nag or rain on his parade enough, and you’ll get what you want. Samson told Delilah the secret of his strength because, “She pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death.” (Judges 16:16). That’s a way to deal with a man, or you can be like the virtuous woman,
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness
. Proverbs 31:26
Why shouldn’t he fill the house with motorcycles, you want to fill the house with diapers and baby toys, what’s the difference? A man thinks of home as a place to keep a woman. If you don’t convince him it’s his home, if you don’t make it the place he wants to be, he’ll find reasons to go other places. A man can work harder or go out with the boys instead of hanging around you, and you don’t want to be left all alone.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
This man is so eager to be home that he’s skipping! Is he rushing home to admire the curtains or to see neat stacks of towels in the linen closet? That’s not it. Ask an older woman why he comes home!
Belong to Him
Think about it. If he must work on his cycle, wouldn’t you rather he did it where you could help him and bond with him? Even with disposable roasting pans, it’s easier for you to wash the grease off his parts for him than for you to clean the bathtub or sink after he washes the parts. If you wash his parts, you not only help him, he will be known in the gates (Pr. 31:23). His friends say, “Your bike’s back on the road,” and he says, “My wife cleaned the chain!” That’s so unusual he’ll have to talk about it and amaze his friends.
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword
: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
Using a sword on a man drives him away. If you’re health to him it won’t take him long to see that you’re lots better than riding a motorcycle and he’ll choose to stay with you. Win him with words of health.
Be realistic. If a young wife eagerly helps her husband fix his motorbike in a crowded living room, washes his parts, hands him tools, looks over his shoulder, and really cares what he’s doing, how long will he work on the bike? How long before he gets distracted and finds something better to do? Fifteen minutes? Five?
Ladies, cleaning up after a man does what a man’s gotta do and being the tail on his kite are maybe 1/5 of the burden of having a husband. Older women should teach younger women how to love their husbands, love their children, and to guide their houses, that’s the rest of the yoke of being married. You must know what a man costs so you can decide whether belonging to a particular man will be worth what he costs. It’s difficult to glorify God with your husband and about your husband if he costs you more than he’s worth to you.
If you really want to marry, rule #1 is “seek ye first the kingdom of God” to get yourself ready to glorify God with your husband all your days. Rule #2 is what Ruth told Naomi:
RULE # 2 – GO WHEREVER HE GOES
whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Look in a mirror and watch yourself say that verse several times while thinking about him. If you can’t promise him Ruth’s vow from the bottom of your heart, if you aren’t eager to be the tail on his kite, if his kite has no string, or if you aren’t eager to follow him wherever he goes all your days, don’t marry him.
Women wonder if it has to be this way, “Why am I the tail,” they ask. The Bible tells you. Many men say that this passage means that a husband can lord it over his wife, but other verses say the opposite:
For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man
. I Corinthians 11:8-9
You’re the tail on his kite because God made you as God’s gift to your husband; he’s not made for you. He takes you to wife, you don’t take him to husband. The bride is given away; she’s the gift, not the groom.
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:22-24
The first words Eve heard from her husband-to-be were a bit possessive. Adam said that Eve was part of him, she belonged to him, he could have her whenever he wanted her, that’s what “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” means to a man. Men haven’t changed one jot since God brought Eve to Adam – men are still a bit possessive of their wives. God made women for men so very well that they’re worth wanting.
Adam called Eve “woman.” Did he ask her what she wanted to be called? He later named her Eve without asking her. Do men put labels on women? Who takes whose name? Have men changed?
Adam started out saying, “Want that! Gimmie!” Eve knew Adam appreciated her and that events would take their course as defined in Ruth 3:18. How many of you know Ruth 3:18? If you’re thinking of marriage, you’d better understand that verse:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest
, until he have finished the thing this day
. Ruth 3:18
What’s this, “will not be in rest”? Married women know why Boa wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that very day. Have men changed? Have men changed at all? Here’s what Ruth said to Boaz:
I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman. Ruth 3:9
Is the Bible clear about the basics of marriage, or what? Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother’s tent, he gave her a home, he took her, she became his, he loved her, and she comforted him. Ruth wanted Boaz to spread his coat over her and keep her warm, what does a woman want today? She wants her man to put his arm around her and keep her warm and safe.
You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket or shirt, she’s testing to see if he’ll keep her warm. What could be more basic? Adam said “Mine! Gimmie!” Just like Adam, Boaz couldn’t be in rest. He took Ruth to wife that day, what’s simpler than that?
The idea of a woman wanting a man to keep her warm and a man not being in rest are the foundation of marriage, but that’s not enough. In 90% of the failed marriages today, it’s the woman who walks out; she’s not starving and she’s not cold. Why does she leave? It’s usually because she doesn’t find rest in her husband.
RULE # 3 – BE SURE HE GIVES YOU REST
Naomi told Ruth what’s more important than food or shelter. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she told her daughters not to come because they couldn’t find husbands. What did Naomi wish for them? She said,
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest
, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
Naomi wanted each daughter to find rest in her husband. She didn’t wish food, or shelter, or warmth, she didn’t wish romantic love, she wished rest. A woman needs food, shelter, warmth, love, praise, and conversation, but she also needs rest. Rule #2 is go where he goes, rule # 3 is be sure he gives you rest.
Women, given that you’re the tail on his kite, you better make sure this man will give you rest. If he gives you rest, you won’t mind motorcycles in the living room, a woman can handle anything a man does if he loves her as Christ loves the church. A good husband and a bad husband cost you about the same. The difference is that a good husband gives you rest so you don’t mind what he costs. A bad husband doesn’t give you rest so he isn’t worth what he costs. Note, giving you rest is not physical love. This is a supportive, serving, caring, sacrificial love that a man decides to give her, it’s not emotional or physical.
Before marrying him, you must know: does he give you rest, that is, does he love you and serve you as Christ loves the church? Do you want him hanging around the house? Can you rest while he’s in your house?
Strong defines the Hebrew word used in Ruth as “comfortable, ease, quiet, resting place, abode,” and states that the word applies particularly to marriage. Does “rest” mean that she doesn’t have to work? No, Ruth worked hard. This isn’t physical rest, its emotional rest, and a man owes it to his wife. Jesus said,
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest
unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
“Rest” in the phrase “the man will not be in rest” is a Hebrew word which means, “repose, idleness, quietness,” which Boaz couldn’t have until the thing was done, he couldn’t rest until he’d taken Ruth to wife.
How does a wife find rest? A man can’t give his wife spiritual rest, that comes from her belonging to Christ, but Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…” The rest Christ gives His people is like the rest men should give their wives. As men find rest in Christ, wives should find rest in husbands. Accepting salvation means taking Christ’s yoke upon you and trying to please Him.
Men, when a woman marries, she takes your yoke upon her. The married woman cares how she may please her husband (1 Cor. 7:34). Men, your wife put on the yoke of pleasing you, a woman can’t rest unless her man shows her over and over that he’s happy with her and resting in her. Women, be careful about rest. Some men don’t find rest in Christ, they think God has a checklist and waits to whack them if they step out of line or miss a box. Men who believe God’s a bully usually bully their wives and children, you don’t need that.
Husbands, is your yoke easy, is your burden light? Are you meek and lowly in heart toward your wives? Do you make it easy for your wife to learn of you? She can’t know she’s pleasing you unless she knows you well. As the years go by, do you spend hours and hours explaining the cares of your heart as you spend hours and hours in Bible reading to learn of Christ? Does your wife find rest unto her soul in your house? We’re to love our wives as Christ loves us, a husband’s obligations are plain, if difficult.
A wife can’t please her husband unless she knows what he’s planning in detail. If a husband says, “Let’s go on a picnic,” his wife’s mind fills with questions. She wants to know where they’re going and what she’ll find there. Are there bathrooms? Is there a playground? Is there a sandbox? How long will we be gone? How many diapers do I take? How many meals? Should we bring swimsuits?
If she runs out of diapers, toys, or food, buying anything in a picnic spot is expensive and she’ll be criticized for poor provision. She can’t rest unless she knows the plan in detail.
Rest from Criticism
About a year before I found her, my wife thought she’d marry a man she’d known for several years. He looked good. He was a youth group leader and served in the church, but there was a problem – he could be very negative. Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time at church with the man she loved. Other weekends were awful because he tore her down. She never knew how their “dates” would go. She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected.
Her parents had always loved and encouraged her and she had been an outgoing person before she met him. They were quite worried at seeing her become so withdrawn and so uncertain from being around him.
Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew her friend. He confirmed that her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way that she would ever be able to make him happy. The missionary pointed out that it would be a bad idea to marry him. When she asked her boyfriend about the matter, he huffed, “That’s the way I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” and broke up with her.
What was her mistake? She had failed to guard her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God! Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
Your heart defines your life, but you’re supposed to rule your emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Keep your heart by giving it to God. Her boyfriend’s heart was not right toward her; criticism and ingratitude flowed from his mouth to her hurt. She didn’t want to go through that again. From the first, she tested me to see if I’d criticize her and I didn’t. When we visited her parents after our 3rd date, they knew immediately that she’d changed. Her mother thought, “She feels safe with him. I hope they get married before something happens.” What was she worried about?
She did her very best not to love me while we were dating. I didn’t know she wasn’t in love when she agreed to marry me. I was interesting, I had a job, I was smitten, I gave her rest, I ruled her gently, I protected her, and she was convinced that I was the man God wanted her to marry. That was enough for her.
The idea of marrying for love is maybe a century old. Before that, people married for duty. A farmer couldn’t eat unless a woman turned his crops into something edible, and a woman couldn’t farm. They needed each other. Love might or might not come. Love has strong days and weak days, but duty goes on.
God expects you to marry for duty and keep your heart until he’s committed himself to you.
Based on her experience with her boyfriend, she knew that she would come to love me. She asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
I needed this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man she loves. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why hang around her.
Women are unbelievably sensitive. Many of my wife’s friends say they get no praise at all from their husbands. “He’ll say he liked the dinner and he appreciated my taking care of his friends, but….” There’s always a “but.” Her friend is in such fear of the coming “but” that she can’t hear the praise. The world’s way of ending with the negative destroys. The Bible says “the fool … but the wise…” or “the wages of sin is death, but…” The negative comes first, then the positive. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife! As salvation is “Only believe,” marriage is “only praise!”
If you’ve given your wife rest, you can say, “That last plan didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” You are the leader and she probably did it to please you. If you take responsibility for what happened, the fact that it didn’t work well won’t hurt her as much.
Let me give you an example. We were having lunch at the church and my wife was cooking green beans. It’s a lot of work to prepare beans. You break off one end, pull off the strings, and break them just so.
Then she tried to help a friend in distress. This takes attention and focus. She helped her friend but the beans burned. I ate them and appreciated them. Regardless of how the beans worked out, I appreciated her work. What’s more important to God, helping heal her friend’s distress or a few beans? She must exercise her gifts of helping as we glorify God together. Some of her fruit will rebound to my account.
Rest from Worry
A wife’s rest isn’t only physical, it’s emotional and spiritual, and the book shows how. Ruth and Naomi got to Palestine at the beginning of barley harvest (Ruth 1:22). They had no money, no job, and no food. Ruth went out to glean, that is, pick up what’s left by the harvesters. Boaz gave Ruth a taste of rest that day.
Have you watched farmers harvest crops by hand? I grew up in Japan in the 50’s. Japan was bombed flat during WW II, there was no farm machinery, men and women harvested grain by hand. It’s grinding, killing work. You cut the stalks at ground level because you need the straw. You bend over, cut a bunch, tie it into a sheaf, and put it in your bag. Then you do another one and another, all day every day until it’s done.
Gleaning is worse. Harvesters get grain in bunches, gleaners find one stalk at a time. There’s spaghetti all over the yard. You see a stick, you bend over, pick it up, straighten up, you walk a bit and see another and grab it – how long before you get enough for dinner, one stick at a time? Next time you buy groceries, thank God Almighty you don’t have to do as Ruth did. We know she did it well. Boaz asked about her:
And the servant that was set over the reapers answered and said, It is the Moabitish damsel that came back with Naomi out of the country of Moab: and she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now
, that she tarried a little in the house. Ruth 2:6-7
Ruth “continued even from the morning until now,” Boaz knew Ruth worked hard.
Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee
? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn. Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? Ruth 2:8-10
Boaz was kind to Ruth, he offered her water, he told the young men to leave her alone, and she asked why. Smart woman, Ruth, when a man’s nice to a woman, it’s a good idea to find out why, particularly when he tells other men to leave her alone. Ruth needed to know what Boaz had in mind, so she asked why. Instead of ignoring her as men often do when women ask “Why?” he opened his heart to her, he told her why:
And Boaz answered
and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust
. Ruth 2:11-12
Boaz cared for Ruth because she showed salvation by trusting God enough to travel to a strange land where she had no hope of marrying. He respected her character; he valued her trust in God. That’s Biblical:
Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised
. Proverbs 31:30
But seek ye first
the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Why did Ruth go with Naomi? Naomi told her she wouldn’t find a husband because she was a foreigner and not having a husband would risk starvation that winter. Ruth sought the kingdom of God first; it’s no surprise that all these things were added unto her.
So if you must marry, we have three rules of getting married: 1) seek ye first the kingdom of God, 2) understand that you’re made for him so you’re the tail on his kite, and 3) make sure he values and respects you so that you can find rest in his house.
Marriage happens because women want a man’s appreciation and men can’t be in rest, but women need rest in marriage. When Boaz told the reapers to drop a few bundles of grain for her so she wouldn’t have to work as hard, Ruth knew that Boaz appreciated her and valued her enough to let her rest a bit.
The book of Genesis tells us a lot about how men and women get along. Consider Adam’s punishment:
In the sweat of thy face
shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
Adam was to eat by the sweat of his face. Not just his brow, his entire face.
Women are too weak to farm and can’t hunt while carrying a nursing baby. How was Eve going to eat? By the sweat of Adam’s face. Until recently, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her and her children or she’d starve. That’s why relationships are so important to a woman – her relationship to her man was life or death. That’s why it meant so much to Ruth when Boaz praised her walk with God. When Boaz not only fed her but had the reapers drop bundles for her, she rested in the knowledge that he was inclined to feed her. That’s why she was glad to obey Naomi when Naomi told her to ask Boaz to marry her.
Starvation is rare now, but there’s another fear. A few months after we married, a colleague and I left work and realized we’d forgotten to discuss a problem. Instead of going back in, we talked in my car for several hours. When I got home, my wife was in tears. I didn’t arrive when she expected, she called the office and was told I’d left. She thought something had happened to me. I was stunned, awed, and humbled to see how important I had become to her. I try to let her know where I am so she knows I’m okay.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment
. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
A woman wants her love for her husband to be perfect. A man should never let her be tormented by fear.
Rest from Praise and Appreciation
Which single Bible passage says the most about how to have a happy marriage?
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her
. [saying] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Praise is important to women, read Solomon’s Song to see that. Proverbs 31 describes a virtuous woman. Preachers say that there are few “Proverbs 31 women,” but forget how Proverbs 31 commands men.
Praise from her husband and children is part of being a virtuous wife, it’s part of the package, it’s her due. Her works praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31). A woman can’t be a “Proverbs 31 wife” without praise from a “Proverbs 31 husband.” A man may work from sun to sun; a woman’s work is never done. How can she keep on keeping on? Praise is the gasoline that helps a woman go, and even a poor man can do this.
The unsaved know this. How many of you remember the song, “Take good care of my baby”? One of the verses goes, “once upon a time, that little girl was mine, if I’d been true, I know she’d never be with you.” The singer lost the girl, but he still cared about her and wanted her new guy to make her happy. He said,
“Just let your love surround her, make a rainbow all around her.” That’s a good start, women expect to be surrounded by love, but there’s more, “Just let her know you love her, be sure you’re thinking of her, in everything you say and do…” What’s the basis of giving a wife rest? Convincing her she’s loved by thinking of her, by being considerate of her, by operating according to her needs in everything he says and does.
If, for example, a husband puts the toilet seat down or takes a quick swipe to clean a sink before the goo hardens, his wife appreciates his thinking of her as much as she appreciates not having to do it herself.
Ruth 1:9 says a wife should find rest in the home of her husband, Matthew 11:28-30 explains Christ’s rest, Ruth 2:11-12 and 3:10 show Boaz giving Ruth rest, Proverbs 31:28-29 tells husbands to teach their children to praise their mothers and to add praise of their own. Not only that, the Song of Solomon teaches a man to praise a woman in mind-numbing detail many times per day.
Naomi’s command to “sit still” in Ruth 3:18 comes right after Ruth came back from the party, she’s all fired up, she’s going to get married even if she doesn’t know who. I don’t have daughters so I’m not sure what a young lady does when she thinks a man’s interested in her, but the Bible tells what Ruth did,
And she told her all
that the man had done to her. Ruth 3:16
When the Bible says “all” it means “all.” I’ve been a husband since 1971; I know that when a woman tells “all,” she really tells all, women love details. Ruth told Naomi what Boaz was wearing, the tone of his voice, every word he said, and what she said, and where they were, and who was at the party, and what they all wore, and what they all said, and when she got done, Naomi could’ve been there.
Many men occasionally, well, not often, but occasionally, get a wee bit frustrated at their wives’ preoccupation with detail. Me, too, I must confess, but over the years, I’ve become convinced that a woman’s concern for detail is of God and for very good reasons. Here’s proof that a woman’s mind is of God:
A prudent wife is from the Lord
Proverbs 19:14
“Prudence” means thinking, women think ahead in detail for good reason, a woman’s mind is from the Lord, the way your wife’s mind works is of God, don’t mess with her mind, guys, the way she thinks is of God!
All this detail, Naomi’s got the picture with words and music, what does she say?
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Ladies, that’s the best advice on getting married there is. “Sit still.” I say it again, “Sit still, do nothing, say nothing, just sit still.” That’s really all Naomi had to say. Ruth promised “wither thou goest I will go,” so Ruth had to obey Naomi as her own parent. Naomi was in charge just as your husband’s in charge after you marry, all Naomi had to say was “Sit still,” but Naomi went on. She added “my daughter,” to say, “I love you and I’m doing what’s best for you.” She explained, “For the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.” Learn from this, men. Paul told Philemon, “I have authority, I could command you but I’d rather persuade you.” As Naomi persuaded Ruth rather than commanding, as Paul persuaded Philemon rather than commanding, the Bible teaches that we should persuade our wives, our children, and everyone else rather than commanding (2 Cor. 5:11), no matter how long it takes for them to understand.
That long? As long as it takes? Yeah, that long, and believe me, I know how long it can be. It’s not because women are difficult, the Bible says that women are made for men and that a wife wants to please her husband, but women think very differently from men. It takes time to understand what she’s saying, it takes time to explain what you want, and it takes time to persuade her that it’s best or for her to persuade you. God said that a woman’s mind is from Him. Men, be patient and longsuffering, her mind is of God.
You must persuade, Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” If your wife obeys without being persuaded, she’s in sin because she’s following you, a man, rather than following what God wants. Following a man instead of God is idolatry. Commanding a wife without persuading her leads to serious sin.
You must persuade your children as they get old enough to understand persuasion. If little kids don’t want to go to bed, you can pick them up, but what happens when they get bigger? You must punish rebellion, but you’ll have to persuade older kids that they need sleep, that they need to dress warmly in winter, and, most important, that the Word of God is the key to a contented life. Knowing when to punish and when to persuade is a very difficult issue in parenting. You can’t force conviction on matters of the heart through the world’s methods of command. All you can do is serve by example, persuade, and pray for conviction.
Naomi didn’t command Ruth to believe in God, in fact, she told Ruth to go home. Naomi had convinced Ruth about God so strongly that Ruth wanted God badly enough to go back to Palestine with her. You can’t just quote the Bible because it’s foolishness to unbelievers and to the religious who just prayed the prayer.
How can Jesus be both God and man? That’s illogical, you have to persuade by testifying about what God has done for you and for other people, showing them His grace, pointing out the results of what friends do, walking by faith no matter what God brings into your life, and showing that you care for souls.
God gives us soul liberty, even the liberty to choose to go to hell. Provoking your followers to wrath as condemned in Ephesians 6:4 shows that you may have denied soul liberty. Extra prayer, humility, servant leadership, and searching the scripture are need in those cases. Try to get a competition going to see who can humble themselves the most and serve the most as opposed to struggling to be top dog.
Rest from Physical Rest
We’ve shown the emotional rest Naomi described. God also commands that women be given physical rest.
Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised. And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:2-5
There’s been a lot of complaint that this is another of those ridiculous patriarchic passages that disrespect women. Why should giving birth, a natural and honorable process, make a woman unclean?
An unclean woman couldn’t wash dishes – they’d be unclean and nobody could eat off them. She couldn’t do laundry – the clothes would be unclean and nobody could wear them. She couldn’t do housework; she got time to rest and get to know her new baby. She stayed home. This protects babies from infection.
Japanese mothers are told not to take a new baby out in public for 2 months and to discourage visitors.
“Man may work from sun to sun; women’s work is never done.” Women can be so driven to take care of their homes and to try to please their men that they don’t get enough rest. Men should watch out for that. God could have told men to make sure that their wives were able to rest, but He made it a matter of ritual impurity instead. Maybe men wouldn’t have listened otherwise? Did He have to make it a matter of law?
Without infant formula, nursing was the only way to keep a baby alive. I’ve been told that girl babies often have a harder time settling down to nursing than boy babies and that girls are smaller at birth than boys.
It’s a major milestone for a mother when her baby holds enough milk to sleep through the night. If girls have a harder time nursing and they’re smaller, it would take longer for a girl to sleep through the night.
If this is true, God knows all about it. What did He do? A mother got more time off when she gave birth to a girl than when she gave birth to a boy, 70 days versus 40 days. The extra month made it more likely that the newborn girl would sleep through the night before the mother had to resume her normal routine.
God honors women. Anna was the first to proclaim salvation (Luke 2:36-38). A woman anointed Jesus’ body for burial (Mt. 26:12). Pilate’s wife tried to persuade him not to crucify Jesus (Mt. 27:19). Women were last at the cross (Mk. 15:47) and first at the tomb (Jn. 20:1). Women proclaimed the resurrection (Mt. 28:5-10). Women attended prayer meetings (Ac. 1:14). Lydia was the first European to hear the missionaries, the first convert, offered lodging, and may have started a house church (Ac. 16:13-14).
Galatians 3:28 says, “there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” In modern culture, it’s hard for men and women to treat each other as people; gender attraction tends to creep into conversations. This leads to temptations and gives Satan an advantage. The Bible tells how:
Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity
. I Timothy 5:1-2
There’s nothing wrong with men and women talking to each other and having fellowship so long as they do it “with all purity.” It’s a good idea because they think so differently. In talking to other men, my wife found that I wasn’t nearly as strange as she’d thought, and the same worked for me, too.
These conversations must stay logical. Letting emotion into these talks opens impure doors. We can express emotions to the church body as a whole, but emoting to an individual of the opposite sex is perilous.
RULE # 4 – DON’T PLAY HARD TO GET, BE HARD TO GET
Having looked at the necessity of persuasion and getting rest, let’s explore Naomi’s advice to women.
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Naomi’s advice to wait doesn’t mean that women have to be passive about wanting to marry, not at all. Ruth crashed the party (Ruth 3:1-5) and asked Boaz to marry her. Ruth wasn’t being forward; having Boaz care for her was her right as his relative’s widow. But she had to choose the right time to ask.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; … a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. Ecclesiastes 3:1
I grew up in farm country so I know why Ruth had to wait before asking Boaz to marry her. Men are much more focused than women. When a baby chokes, the mother better hear no matter what she’s doing or the baby dies. God made women easy to interrupt. Men focus more strongly and can get testy when interrupted. The harvest was important, if they didn’t get enough, some would starve to death before the next harvest.
Moreover the profit of the earth is for all: the king himself is served by the field. Ecclesiastes 5:9
If there’s no food, nobody eats, not even the king. Ruth waited until “his heart was merry,” then she “came softly.” Why was Boaz merry? He’d finished the harvest, there was enough food, he wouldn’t starve that year, and he could rest a bit. He might even be open to lesser matters like marriage.
Men haven’t changed since Boaz or since Adam. What Naomi told Ruth after the party was rule # 4, “Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get.” There’s a saying, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that zing!” What’s the zing that makes marriage happen? The man can’t rest. If he has rest, why marry?
Toy or Treasure
There are only two possible modes when a girl interacts with a guy: 1) she can be his toy or 2) she can be his treasure. You’ve seen a little boy play with a truck. He pushes it this way and that, then, when he gets tired of it, he throws it away and grabs another. It is hard on girls when boys get tired of them and throw them away.
Young ladies want attention from men. If older women haven’t fulfilled God’s command to teach them about men, they tend to end up in fornication. Even secular writers know that this can be damaging. The book “Unprotected” by Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why this is so. To oversimplify, a woman tends to become emotionally involved when she gives herself to a man. It hurts her deeply when she finds that she meant nothing to him, and that in his mind, she was just an interchangeable toy.
Any boy can play with her; it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or treasure, play or stay are the only possibilities. If a girl doesn’t want to be treated like a toy, she must insist that he treat her as a treasure and potential wife from before the first date.
A Misconception about Conception
There’s another common error – many girls think a man will marry her if she has his baby.
And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love m
e. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons
: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing. Genesis 29:31-35
Poor Leah! It took three sons for her to learn that bearing Jacob’s sons wouldn’t make her love her.
But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away
from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 25:6
Abraham was a friend of God (2 Chr. 20:7, Isa. 41:8), yet he sent away at least two women who had his babies instead of marrying them. I asked a young lady why she thought he’d marry. “He’d have to marry me to be near his baby.”
Nonsense. She said she wanted to get married, but she moved in with him without marriage. To him, what she said about the importance of marriage was a lie. She said she was on the pill, but she stopped taking it and told him he’d have to marry her. Now she’s a lying manipulator. Why marry someone like that? If a man can have her without marring, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
Whose are the Children?
Here’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. When we were in the kid biz, a child might violate a rule, be called on it, and say, “Yes, I know.” If the child knew the rule, why break it? Because the rule was only head knowledge, it hadn’t gotten down into his heart.
Although a man may have some vague sort of head knowledge about the birds and bees, down in his heart, where it really counts, a man doesn’t believe he has anything to do with making babies. Your baby is clearly yours – you had it last – but what has your baby to do with him?
One reason God made men so possessive was to give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman and she encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she gets pregnant, her children will be his, too.
A woman gives her children a father by belonging thoroughly to him before they’re conceived, but he has a hard time valuing her enough to value her children as God expects of him if she gives him rest out of season.
Having my wife decide to belong to me changed everything. A woman told me, “You have cat tracks on your car.” She was clearly asking a question, so I said, “They’re my wife’s cats.” Her questioning look got deeper, so I said, “Long ago, she made a conscious decision to belong to me. She’s mine, so her cats are mine.” Her face cleared, she nodded, and walked away. I had answered her question.
RULE # 5 – GET ADVICE FROM A GODLY GRANDMOTHER
Rule # 4, don’t play hard to get, be hard to get, gets to rule # 5, get advice from an older woman. Ruth had been married, she knew what men wanted, but she took Naomi’s advice. Naomi told Ruth when to plant by gleaning with Boaz; Naomi told Ruth when to pluck up that which was planted by crashing the party.
Women need advice about men; when they’re on their own, they usually mess up. Ruth could’ve asked Boaz the day she got back, Ruth’s rights didn’t change during the harvest, but Naomi had Ruth wait. Boaz was focused on the harvest; the last thing he wanted was wedding talk when he was worried about starving. Ruth waited until Boaz got to know her and until his “heart was merry;” when she asked him to marry her, he wanted to do it. Being wanted and appreciated gave Ruth rest.
Here’s another area where Ruth took advice. When Naomi told Ruth to go to Boaz’ party even though she hadn’t been invited, Naomi told Ruth to get all dressed up:
Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, Ruth 3:3a
Boaz had gotten to know Ruth as she worked the harvest and he’d shown that he respected Ruth the day they met. Once Boaz respected her, then it was OK for Ruth to look her best. Girls, it’s a bad idea for you to do anything special to attract a man’s attention at the beginning. Suppose it works, then what? What’ll you do when you’re too busy, or too tired, or too pregnant to do whatever it was that attracted him? Girls, unless a man comes after you on his own just the way God made you, God won’t want to give you to him.
If you worry too much about your looks, it’s easy for a man to flatter you and win your heart by saying you look good. Don’t we talk about a man “feeding her a line?” Seek to put on a meek and quiet spirit. A meek and quiet spirit is of great price in the eyes of God (I Peter 3:4), and the right man treasures it too.
Does He Praise You
Let’s look at rest a bit more in the context of getting advice. You may not always understand what a man means by what he says to you, particularly if you’re falling in love with him. You need for your husband to appreciate you and that’s where you need advice. Tell an older woman what he says and she’ll help you figure out if he truly appreciates you. Someone your age can’t help you with that.
Men, a woman can give a man physical rest under pretty much any circumstances but she can’t give her man rest unto his soul unless he first gives her rest. A wife can’t make you any happier than you make her.
A woman can’t give her husband rest unless she’s happy about belonging to him and giving him rest. She can’t be happy about belonging to him unless he values her and appreciates her, and it’s hard to value her if she gives him rest outside marriage. The Bible explains how a man should give his wife rest so that she can give him complete rest, but a woman can’t create rest or love by herself. A woman’s like a mirror, she magnifies her husband’s love and rest back to him, she’s not a light.
If her man makes her feel appreciated, if he makes her feel respected and valued, if he gives her peace and rest as Christ gives His people perfect peace and rest, she amplifies his rest and reflects enough love back to him to take care of the whole family. A wife can’t make rest from nothing; she can’t give rest if she isn’t given rest to begin with. How does a man give his wife rest? God explains:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
The Bible commands a husband to tell his wife that she’s far better than any other wife he knows. It also commands a man to sanctify his wife, that is, to set her apart from all other women:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify
and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, Ephesians 5:25-26
Does He Sanctify You
Men should sanctify wives as Christ sanctifies the church. Sanctification means “set apart,” a husband must know his wife well enough to separate her from other women, especially when taking her. Men get so intense that a woman may think, “Anybody would do.” Some men say, “All cats are gray in the dark.” This suggests that men don’t sanctify women even though Song 6:9 teaches a man to think of his wife as “but one.” Would God command men to sanctify wives if it were natural? It isn’t, a man must purpose in his heart to do it.
A man must possess his wife in sanctification. He must let her know he desires her as a person, a mind, a set of skills, a help meet, a companion, not just a body. If a wife doesn’t feel sanctified, she feels she’s fornicating because she could be any woman. A man sanctifies his wife by praising her in detail, read Solomon’s Song. If he notices and praises small details, she feels he’s paying attention and that he values her.
In any case, Boaz couldn’t be in rest, he wanted Ruth, so he married her, took her, and she was his wife.
We have 4 of Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than a husband without God. 2) Know that you’re made for him, he’s not made for you, when he does what a man’s gotta do, you gotta clean up the mess. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you as Boaz respected and honored Ruth so you won’t mind cleaning up after him. 4) Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get. When he can’t be in rest, just let it happen, don’t give him rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice!
RULE # 6 – MAKE SURE HE OPENS HIS HEART TO YOU
Now we come to rule #6, make sure he opens his heart to you. Women live and die by relationships. A wife relates to other women to share knowledge how to raise children and how to keep husbands happy. A wife wants feel that the bonds are strong. It hurts her deeply if her husband won’t open his heart to her. For generations, a woman could live only by the sweat of her husband’s face. A woman whose relationship ended through death or desertion could starve. That’s why God gave special provision for widows and the fatherless.
God knows that opening his heart is as frightening for a man as opening her body can be for a woman.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil
. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
It’s safe for a man to open his heart to a virtuous woman who will do him good and not evil. Some say “no need of spoil” means that the man shouldn’t be interested in other women; Song 6:9 agrees. Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven right here on earth, but few realize that she can make him no happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9). Few men know how badly women need open hearts.
It’s simple to make a man happy – my wife explains it in under a minute. I didn’t say “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but it’s not easy.
There’s no simple formula for a man to keep a woman happy because women aren’t nearly as alike as men are. If he opens his heart to her as sincerely, as deeply, as widely, as patiently, as attentively, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open her body to him, they will come to belong to each other Once they belong to each other, they can give other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
When Boaz opened his heart to Ruth and praised her Godliness, Ruth knew he respected and valued her. He told the young men not to mess with her, he protected her, he gave her water and lunch, he provided for her; she resetd near him and stayed with his people through the harvest. When she asked for his coat:
And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men
, whether poor or rich. And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest
: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman
. Ruth 3:10
Boaz liked Ruth asking him to marry her. He wanted her for her virtue, her character; everybody knew she was a virtuous woman. Don’t you think other women were interested in him? Boaz knew Ruth “followedst not young men” she wasn’t dating around. Boaz knew Ruth sought God. God made women for men. Boaz knew that a woman who works hard, acts modestly, and seeks God makes a good wife, so he married her.
Magazines and TV suggest that the only thing that matters about women is their looks. Ladies, would you rather your husband praise your looks or that he value the way you seek the will of God? Boaz praised her character, he knew she sought God and valued her for it. In truth, women, you don’t want a man who doesn’t care whether you’re seeking God no matter how beautiful he thinks you are. If he only loves your looks, what will he do as you get older or pregnant and your looks fade?
A man won’t open his heart and won’t belong to you unless he respects you. “But,” you ask, “how will a man know to respect and honor me?” There are two ways, the right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is to date and hope he’ll respect you, maybe he’ll marry you. That doesn’t work. Look around and see if your friends’ relationships are working. They generally aren’t. How do you do it differently?
Here’s how my wife did it. We met at church, I told her I’d be away for a month but that I’d date her when I got back, and I asked her out the next time I saw her. She said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out at all, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether we should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends. I’m not a toy, I don’t want a man to play with me, I want a man to stay with me.”
I valued that and so has every man I’ve told. Men know they don’t understand women, men know that an unhappy woman is a hardship, a man worries about keeping you happy. If you state what you want clearly and simply and explain your needs before you date, a man can know whether he can give you rest or not.
Think about it from my point of view. Her telling me she expected to be a treasure for her husband was a great recommendation. What man wouldn’t want a woman who planned to be God’s treasure for him?
She wanted me to agree on why we were together. She put marriage on the table and insisted that I treat her as a treasure. I soon decided that she’d told the truth about being a treasure and took her to wife.
During my trip, my aunt asked if I knew any women, I said I’d just met one, but I wasn’t thinking marriage. When she mentioned marriage, I realized that marrying her might be a good idea, but without her bringing it up, I don’t know if I’d have thought of it.
Who mentioned marriage first, Boaz or Ruth? Men don’t always think of marriage, ladies, I didn’t, Boaz didn’t. My wife didn’t ask for marriage, she asked me to consider marriage; it’s in your interest to put marriage on the table before the first date. So what if he walks away? If he’s opposed to marriage, if your being God’s treasure doesn’t move him, you don’t want to fall in love with him. Guard your heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Ask God About Him
You must know whether a man respects you before marrying. Boaz showed Ruth respect by opening his heart and taking care of her, but how do you know? There are two steps in finding out, ask God, then ask the man.
Ye have not, because ye ask not. James 4:2b
Women ask for very little and that’s often what they get; my wife asked for respect and became my treasure. It’s hard to be a Biblical wife without your husband’s cooperation. God promises wisdom if you ask Him (II Chronicles 1:11, James 1:5). Pray fervently that God will show your friend’s heart before you fall in love. Pray that God will reveal any reason you and he shouldn’t marry, and obey what God shows you.
If you let God choose your husband, He’ll give you to a man who delights in you. It hurts a woman to marry a man who isn’t pleased with her. She’ll try something, he’ll like it, she’ll do something similar, and he won’t like it. She’ll second-guess, “Last week, he liked this, he didn’t like that…” If you find yourself constantly changing and hoping to please him, he probably isn’t the right man – the right man appreciates you as God made you. You’ll have to change your ways as you and your husband grow into your new life together, but it’s not a good idea to marry a man if you find yourself changing your basic nature to try to please him.
Ask the Man to Show Himself
After you ask God whether this guy will give you rest, it’s time to ask the man. You should have asked for respect from the beginning. If things look good, you’d better find out whether he respects your mind and your thought process before you’re too much in love to back out without being hurt.
God made you to be your husband’s help meet and you can’t help him unless he explains what he wants. I Cor. 11:9 says that you were made for a man and Gen. 3:16 says that your desire is toward your husband. How did God do this? How did God overcome your desire for independence and make you want to please a man? God gave you and almost all women an intense desire for a man’s praise. Why else have a man at all?
You want to please your husband (I Corinthians 7:34), but you can’t please him without knowing him. The Bible commands honoring your husband; it forbids fornication, theft, and adultery. In areas such as the car you drive or the school you attend, however, God gives us liberty to use our intelligence and free will.
As you and your husband make decisions, you’ll feel left out unless he asks your views and draws on your knowledge. Any man who ignores his wife’s gifts and knowledge when making decisions is a fool (Mt. 27:17-20). God gave you a different way of thinking so that you could help him more effectively. Your womanly point of view helps make it less likely that you’ll overlook possibilities. What doesn’t occur to him may suggest itself to you, and vice versa, but you can’t help him if he won’t listen to you.
Ask his views on drinking coffee, dancing, movies, rock music, Bible versions, spanking children, TV, or women wearing trousers to see whether he discusses issues with you or just tells you. A woman has a hard time telling flattery from praise, it’s hard to tell whether he wants to toy with you or to have you be his treasure and take you to wife. If you tell an older woman what he says, she can tell a man who treasures you from a man who’s toying with you. A friend your age can’t do it; Naomi was a generation older than Ruth.
Ask him what Jacob should have done when he awoke and “Behold, it was Leah,” (Gen. 29:25). Most men say Jacob was right to demand Rachel because she was beautiful, but God looks on the heart instead of appearance. God let Laban trick Jacob into taking Leah to wife. All things work together for good to them who are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). Should Jacob have let God order his steps (Ps. 37:23)?
God doesn’t force people to follow His will, Jacob got what Jacob wanted (Ps. 106:15), but he had four jealous women fighting for his attention. All but two of his children knew their father didn’t love their mother, how did that turn out? Contentment comes from yielding to the Master. Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Tim. 6:6), and Jacob found little contentment. Should he have been content with Leah?
Discuss Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11. Ananias wanted to keep back money, they discussed it, she agreed, they were struck dead. Some say they were co-conspirators, but the use of singular and plural in the passage shows that it was his idea and his wife agreed; that’s what submission is. A husband should get his wife’s agreement when making decisions. Sapphira was submitting to her husband’s idea when she was struck dead, does this teach that there are limits to your submission? Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin,” commanding you to do things you don’t agree with forces you to sin because you can’t have faith in what you do. You need to know whether he believes there are limits to your submission. Should you marry a man who believes that God wants you to obey him without question no matter what?
Ask him why God put this verse in the Bible:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Most men ridicule the idea of paying attention to a wife’s dreams, but Pilate should have listened. Does God ever try to tell a husband something by telling his wife (Judges 13:2-13)?
Ask who misquoted God. Comparing Genesis 2:17 with Genesis 3:3 shows that Eve misquoted God to the serpent. Eve didn’t get it from God, Adam could have added to what God said. Heb. 12:20 shows that Moses added to what God said in Exodus 19:10-15. The Bible doesn’t say whether Eve or Adam added to God’s words. Genesis 3:6 shows that Adam was there “with her,” why didn’t he correct her or stop her?
You must find out his beliefs of what women are. Men have two basic views of women, “last in creation, first in the fall” or “last at the cross, first at the tomb.” You’ll recognize the attitudes. The first blames women for the fall, everything goes wrong is a woman’s fault. The Bible says Adam blamed Eve:
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
A man who believes this thinks he’d be OK if his wife didn’t lure him to sin. The nicer she tries to be, the subtler he thinks Satan is and the harder he resists her. A woman who marries such a man dies inside.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
She yearns to please her husband and can’t, her bones dry and you see death in her eyes. But it’s a lie!
This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created
. Genesis 5:1-2
For Adam was first formed
, then Eve… I Timothy 2:13
Eve wasn’t last in creation; they were created on the same day as one creature. They stayed one creature while Adam named the animals. God then separated Eve out of Adam’s body into her own form.
Wherefore, as by one man
sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: … For as by one man’s disobedience
many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:12, 19
Eve didn’t cause the fall, “one man” did. The fall came after they were separated into a man and a woman; Adam caused the fall. The 1st view of women is false. The 2nd view is Biblical, women were last at the cross and first at the tomb. Which way do you want your husband to think about you?
The Bible teaches that a wife is a gift from God (Pro. 18:22, Mt. 7:11, James 1:17). Can he say from his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you?”
You need to understand his thought process. Does he listen to your views, combining your knowledge, experience, and beliefs with his, or does he shut off discussion, saying, “That’s the way it is”?
If he’ll discuss the Bible with you, not lecture you, but discuss it back and forth, if he’s willing to honor what you’ve found in the Bible, to gently point out areas where you and he disagree, to work hard to bring harmony, to respect your views when making decisions, and to honor your walk with God, you’ll be able to accept his leadership. You’ll have trouble resting in him if he won’t explain himself or if you can’t respect him.
CONCLUSION
Here are Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than to have a husband without God. 2) Realize that you’re made for him and he’s not made for you. You’re the tail on his kite, so you’d better be sure his kite has a string. If he has a string, the two of you can soar together, but if he has no string, you’ll bump along the ground and get all muddy. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you so you find rest in cleaning up after him and in belonging to him. 4) Be hard to get, don’t give a man rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice from an older woman no matter how old you are. 6) Make sure he listens to you by opening his heart to you and that he accepts your need to talk all your days.
Pr. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his future wife. Working mothers don’t have the time or the emotional energy to do that, so you’ll have to explain your needs.
Since you probably won’t meet a man who knows your reputation, you’ll have to declare that you’re a treasure up front and prove it by acting like a treasure. Treasures dress modestly instead of dressing in marketing mode and they don’t “date around” or flirt.
You’ll have to test him to make sure he respects your thoughts enough to give you rest, we’ve seen ways to find out whether he respects what the Holy Spirit teaches you. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, but it’s hard for a woman to be a treasure for a man who won’t give her rest.
This can also help fix broken marriages. Very few women have been taught to declare that they’re treasures. A woman should declare herself before marriage, but it’s never too late to declare that God meant you to be your husband’s treasure and start acting like it (1 Pe. 3:1-2), nor is it too late for a man to start treasuring his wife and appreciating her as taught in the Song of Solomon and Proverbs 31:28-30. Remember, nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, not even once.
Can he say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If a man lives by that from the time they meet until the day he dies, his wife will have rest in belonging to him, and she can give him rest in the same way Rebekah comforted Isaac (Gen. 24:67). A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
Verses and Passages Relating to Marriage
Gen. 1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. 6-7, 9, 11, 14-15, 24, 29-30 – if God says something is so, it is so.
Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Genesis 2:23-24 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. This is a very possessive remark – did Adam ask her what she wanted to be called? Or did he just name her?
Genesis 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire
shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
Genesis 4:7 If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him. Matthew Henry and John Wesley applied this to Abel’s desire to follow his older brother.
Genesis 5:1-2 This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.
Genesis 5:3 And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth:
Genesis 15:7-9 And he said unto him, I am the LORD that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it. And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it? And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.
Genesis 16:6 But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. The angel restored peace in 16:9.
Gen. 29:30-35, Gen. 30:14-16, Gen. 37:25-35, I Sam. 1:1-7, Ecc. 7:27-28 issues of polygamy
Genesis 24:65 For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself.
Genesis 24:67 And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.
Genesis 25:1 Then again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah. Concubine in I Chron. 1:32-33
Genesis 26:35 Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and Rebekah. Gen. 28:6-9 tells what Esau did.
Gen. 29:21 And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. – why men marry
Gen. 34 – Dinah and Shechem v 3, he loved her after raping her, but it did not work out well, 50% chance, is that good enough?
Exodus 19:10-15 And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, And be ready against the third day. … And Moses went down from the mount unto the people, and sanctified the people; and they washed their clothes. And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives
. Moses added to what God said. See also Hebrews 12:20
Exodus 21:10 If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.
Deuteronomy 4:33 Did ever people hear the voice of God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as thou hast heard, and live?
Deuteronomy 5:25-27 Now therefore why should we die? for this great fire will consume us: if we hear the voice of the LORD our God any more, then we shall die. For who is there of all flesh, that hath heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as we have, and lived? Go thou near, and hear all that the LORD our God shall say: and speak thou unto us all that the LORD our God shall speak unto thee; and we will hear it, and do it. See also Deu 4:33
Deuteronomy 21:14 And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her
. See also 21:10-13
Deuteronomy 22:20-21 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity
be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
Deuteronomy 23:21 When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee.
Deu. 24:1-2 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favor in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife
. Jesus changed this, Mt. 5:32, 19:9
Judges 16:15-16 And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? thou hast mocked me these three times, and hast not told me wherein thy great strength lieth. And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;
Ruth 1:9a The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband.
Ruth 3:18 Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.
Ru. 4:13 So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: and when he went in unto her, the LORD gave her conception, and she bare a son.
I Samuel 1:6 And her adversary also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the LORD had shut up her womb.
I Samuel 2:17 Wherefore the sin of the young men was very great before the LORD: for men abhorred the offering of the LORD.
I Samuel 25:42 And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife.
II Samuel 6:16, 20-23 Michal despised David see also I Chronicles 15:29
II Samuel 13 Amnon and Tamar, hated her after raping her in v 15
II Samuel 23:15-17 David and the well at Bethlehem.
Est. 2:17 And the king loved Esther above all the women, and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the virgins; so that he set the royal crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti. See 2:12-2:17 for how harems worked
Esther 4:10-11 Again Esther spake unto Hatach, and gave him commandment unto Mordecai. All the king’s servants, and the people of the king’s provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or women, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days.
Job 2:9-10 Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.
Job 12:7-8 But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee.
Psalm 19:5 Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.
Psalm 68:6 God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.
Psalm 103:10-12He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 106:15 And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.
Psalm 119:136 Rivers of waters run down mine eyes, because they keep not thy law.
Proverbs 4:23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. – emotional fornication.
Proverbs 5:18-19 Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love.
Proverbs 5:20 And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?
Proverbs 11:21 Though hand join in hand, the wicked shall not be unpunished: but the seed of the righteous shall be delivered.
Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 12:18 There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.
Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Proverbs 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD.
Proverbs 19:14b a prudent wife is from the LORD.
Pr. 21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. 19:13, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15
Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee.
Proverbs 30:18-19 There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.
Proverbs 31:11 The heart
of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
Proverbs 31:28-29 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. – The Song starts with the woman praising the man, but he praises her in great detail.
Ecclesiastes 1:14 I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.
Ecclesiastes 5:5 Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay. Ecc 7:27-28 issues of polygamy
Ecclesiastes 7:27-28 Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. I Ki. 11:3 7/3
Ecclesiastes 9:9 Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun.
Song of Solomon 1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. – she praises him first
Song of Solomon 2:16 My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 4:7 Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.
Song of Solomon 6:3 I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.
Song 6:9a My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her.
Song of Solomon 7:10 I am my beloved’s, and his desire
is toward me.
Song 8:2-3 I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.
Isaiah 4:1 And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel: only let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach.
Isaiah 43:25 I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.
Ezekiel 3:20 Again, When a righteous man doth turn from his righteousness, and commit iniquity, and I lay a stumbling-block before him, he shall die: because thou hast not given him warning, he shall die in his sin, and his righteousness which he hath done shall not be remembered; but his blood will I require at thine hand. 3:18 for a wicked man, 33:6-8 watchmen must warn the wicked
Ezekiel 16:44 Behold, every one that useth proverbs shall use this proverb against thee, saying, As is the mother, so is her daughter.
Ezekiel 22:11 And one hath committed abomination with his neighbour’s wife; and another hath lewdly defiled his daughter in law; and another in thee hath humbled his sister, his father’s daughter.
Malachi 2:14-15 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
Matthew 1:5 And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse
Matthew 1:18-19 put her away privily, not divorce, they weren’t married yet.
Matthew 5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Matthew 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Matthew 7:11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
Matthew 10:34-37 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Matthew 12:36 But I say unto you, That every idle word
that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
Matthew 19:4-6 Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Matthew 23:2 Saying The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat:
Matthew 25:40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
Mark 9:35 If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all.
Mark 10:8-9 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Mark 10:11-12 And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.
Mark 10:42-44 But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.
Luke 2:22 her purification (KJV) or their purification in the corrupted Greek manuscripts, see Leviticus 12:2-3 for the law
Luke 6:45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
Luke 7:6-8 – the centurion commanding his servant as Jesus commanded the disease.
Luke 16:16-18 The law and the prophets were until John: since that time the kingdom of God is preached, and every man presseth into it. And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail. Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery
: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.
Luke 18:17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.
John 12:10 But the chief priests consulted that they might put Lazarus also to death;
John 13:13-17 Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him. If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.
John 15:15 Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.
John 20:21-22 Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost:
Acts 4:13 Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marvelled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus.
Acts 17:6 And when they found them not, they drew Jason and certain brethren unto the rulers of the city, crying, These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also;
Acts 17:30-31 And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent: because he hath appointed a day, in the which he will judge the world in righteousness by that man whom he hath ordained; whereof he hath given assurance unto all men, in that he hath raised him from the dead.
Romans 1:29-32 Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
Romans 3:23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
Romans 5:12 Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:
Romans 6:11 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 7:4-6 Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law
by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. For when we were in the flesh, the motions of sins, which were by the law, did work in our members to bring forth fruit unto death. But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter.
Ro. 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Romans 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear
; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption
, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. See also II Timothy 1:7, spirit of power
Romans 10:8-13 But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach; that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Romans 12:1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
Romans 14:5 Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.
Romans 14:13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock
or an occasion to fall
in his brother’s way.
Romans 14:22-23 Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth. And he that doubteth is damned if he eat
, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.
Romans 15:4 For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.
Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.
I Corinthians 6:9-11 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers
, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
I Corinthians 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
I Corinthians 7:1-2 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
I Corinthians 7:3-5 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
I Corinthians 7:7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
I Corinthians 7:9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
I Corinthians 7:10-11 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
I Corinthians 7:15-16 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?
I Corinthians 7:27-28 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.
I Corinthians 7:33-34 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife
. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
I Corinthians 8:9 But take heed lest by any means this liberty of your’s become a stumblingblock to them that are weak.
I Corinthians 9:27 But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.
I Corinthians 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
I Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
I Corinthians 11:7b the woman is the glory of the man.
I Corinthians 11:8-9 For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.
I Corinthians 15:6 After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep.
I Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
II Corinthians 5:10-11a For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad. Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men;
II Corinthians 5:14-15 For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
Galatians 2:21 I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.
Galatians 3:10 For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse: for it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.
Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.
Galatians 4:1-2 Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father.
Galatians 4:16 Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?
Galatians 5:2-4 Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing. For I testify again to every man that is circumcised, that he is a debtor to do the whole law. Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.
Galatians 5:13-15 For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 4:12-16 For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: 13Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ: 14That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; 15But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: 16From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Ephesians 5:1 Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children;
Ephesians 5:11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.
Ephesians 5:21-33 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. 22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ
, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing
; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Philippians 2:1-8 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, 2Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. 5Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
Phil. 2:6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: not robbery to be equal to husband Gen 5:1-2
Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Colossians 3:16-19 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. 18Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 19Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
I Thessalonians 4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor;
II Thessalonians 2:2 That ye be not soon shaken in mind, or be troubled, neither by spirit, nor by word, nor by letter as from us, as that the day of Christ is at hand.
II Thessalonians 3:6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves
from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us.
II Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.
I Timothy 5:2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.
I Timothy 5:14 I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
I Timothy 5:22 Lay hands suddenly on no man, neither be partaker of other men’s sins: keep thyself pure.
II Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
II Timothy 2:24-26 And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; and that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.
Titus 2:3-5 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
Titus 2:14 Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.
Philemon 8-9 Wherefore, though I might be much bold in Christ to enjoin thee that which is convenient, yet for love’s sake I rather beseech thee, …
Heb. 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 9:13-14 For if the blood of bulls and of goats, and the ashes of an heifer sprinkling the unclean, sanctifieth to the purifying of the flesh: 14How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?
Hebrews 10:17 And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.
Hebrews 10:19-22 Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; And having an high priest over the house of God; Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water.
Hebrews 10:24 And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
Hebrews 13:16 But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.
James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
James 1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.
James 2:10 For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.
James 4:17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.
James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
I Peter 1:16 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.
I Peter 2:23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
I Peter 3:1-7 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won
by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord
: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I Peter 3:15 But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer
to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:
1 Peter 4:10 As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.
I Peter 5:5 Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.
II Peter 1:10-11 Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall: For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I John 4:1 Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits
whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.
I John 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
II John 1:6 And this is love
, that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment, that, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk in it.
[1] The business of a farmer, comprehending agriculture or tillage of the ground, the raising, managing and fattening of cattle and other domestic animals, the management of the dairy and whatever the land produces.
[2] The business of a farmer, comprehending agriculture or tillage of the ground, the raising, managing and fattening of cattle and other domestic animals, the management of the dairy and whatever the land produces.
[3] participle passive of get. Procreated; generated.
[4] https://www.sciencealert.com/a-new-paper-claims-our-understanding-of-gravity-is-totally-wrong
[5] https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2017/09/15/proof-of-god-playing-dice-with-the-universe-found-in-the-suns-interior/?sh=2eff90203b03
[6] https://carnegiescience.edu/news/cosmic-accounting-reveals-missing-light-crisis
[7] https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2017/06/30/science-uncovers-the-origin-of-the-first-light-in-the-universe/
[8] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[9] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[10] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[11] Time Magazine, March 13, 2017, p 23
[12] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen, she also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[13] Jesus taught forgiveness. Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22. I’ve been married longer than 470 months. Assuming that my wife had to forgive me only once per month, she’s forgiven me more than 470 times. Does that mean she doesn’t have to forgive me any more? No, Jesus taught unlimited forgiveness.
[14] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[15] https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-politicization-of-motherhood-1509144044
[16] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[17] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-my-wife-told-me-before-we-were.html
[18] https://towardsdatascience.com/can-we-let-algorithm-take-decisions-we-cannot-explain-a4e8e51e2060
[19] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen, she also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[20] https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/04/190411154728.htm
[21] https://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-mens-and-womens-brains-wired-differently-120713
[22] https://www.medicaldaily.com/brain-facts-know-and-share-men-have-lower-percentage-gray-matter-women-292530
[23] https://goflightmedicine.com/on-combat/
[24] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6422548/
[25] https://www.medicaldaily.com/menstruation-and-female-brain-how-fluctuating-hormone-levels-impact-cognitive-341788
[26] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4285578/
POSTED BY BILL TAYLOR AT 11:20 AM
5 COMMENTS:
Justus said…
You’r marriage will stand still, only with God’s full of love
APRIL 3, 2021 AT 12:13 AM
Justus said…
Yes obeying God’s law brought blessings!!
JULY 19, 2021 AT 1:02 AM
Unknown said…
Yes my father thank you so much for your words of God 🙏 am very happy for you and your work on God your welcome to visit in Uganda East Africa God bless you and your work on God
DECEMBER 29, 2021 AT 7:46 AM
Unknown said…
Thanks brother for deep sharing on marriage in fact it really inspirational, I would indeed love others to get an opportunity to read your message. May God give you more breath to write on this topic. Yes you will get many marriages started well but in between the lines things turns sour, probably it may be a man’s or woman’s fault. I am excited to read this artcle
JUNE 19, 2022 AT 9:25 PM
Unknown said…
Yes indeed wonderful words for a far leading marriage, thanks for sharing am so blessed. Many can try to drive their marriage by their own understanding but leaning and giving God an opportunity to lead your marriage can make it so lovely and God fearing.
Shalom brother Lukoye
JUNE 19, 2022 AT 9:28 PM
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