The root cause of marriage difficulties lies in the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. by Bill Taylor
The root cause of marriage difficulties lies in the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. by Bill Taylor
Bill TaylorThe root cause of marriage difficulties lies in the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Head knowledge is what we know (2 Tim. 3:7); heart knowledge is what we are (Pr. 27:3). Most Christians have important head knowledge about marriage that hasn’t made its way into their hearts:https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/…/god…A woman needs to KNOW how a man feels about women in general and about her in particular in his heart. The most basic test is to ask who misquoted God:https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/…/what-drove…
THE KEY TO MARRIAGE: IS GOD REALLY GOOD? CHRISTIANS SAY GOD IS GOOD; DO THEY BELIEVE IT?
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me
. Matthew 15:8 see also Mark 7:6, Isaiah 29:13
Delilah said, “How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me (Jud. 16:15)? Same thing! How many men honor their wives with their lips without opening their hearts to them?
Head knowledge is what we know (2 Tim. 3:7); heart knowledge is what we are (Pr. 27:3). Christians say God is good, but the way they act shows that their head knowledge hasn’t made it down to their hearts. God’s creation “was very good (Ge. 1:31).” Ge. 2 and 3 expand on the creation of mankind. The only thing that was not good was the man being alone (Ge. 2:18). Forming Eve completed God’s very good creation.
Men complain about women instead of thanking God for marriage. Men say wives are too emotional and talk too much. The Bible says that a wife is a favor from God (Pr. 18:22) and that God gives good and perfect gifts (Jas. 1:17). A wife is a good and perfect gift from God to her husband. Do you believe that? If a man can’t see that the way God made his wife blesses him, that’s his problem, not God’s. Pray for wisdom!
Christians who truly believe that God is good know that God made men and women to give each other great joy. Others say God is good with their lips. They don’t believe it in their hearts so they complain about differences between men and women instead of being grateful for the differences that make marriage work.
The bride and groom want their marriage to overflow with joy. God is party to their marriage vows (Mal. 2:14), He wants Christian marriages to be so wonderful that we shine a bright light to the lost.
Few Christian marriages work out as well as God planned. Given that all parties want it to be good, when a marriage isn’t good, something went wrong and something must change. It’s insane to keep doing the same things you’re doing and expect marriage to get better. The man is the leader, so fixing it is on him.
A man may have head knowledge about pregnancy, but deep in his heart, a man doesn’t believe he has anything to do with making babies. A baby belongs to the mother, of course – she had it last – but what has her baby to do with him? Remember the old saying: “The time my father got me, his mind was not on me.” What was your father thinking when you happened? Was he thinking at all?
Men have head knowledge that Adam caused the fall, but instead of accepting responsibility for leading, men follow Adam and blame wives when things go wrong. Instead of serving as Jesus commanded (Mk. 9:35, 10:42-45), many husbands command without discussion. Moses warned that the Jews would lose everything unless they loved God with grateful hearts and gave thanks for everything He gave them:
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness
, and with gladness of heart
, for the abundance of all things
; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things
: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee
. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
God’s people didn’t thank God so He took the blessings away. A wife can’t comfort her husband and bless him as God planned unless she fees appreciated and loved as much as he loves God. Your wife can’t bless you fully unless you love her with everything you have. God told us about women to make marriage easier.
THINK ABOUT EVE’S LIFE IN THE GARDEN
She didn’t need a house because it never rained (Ge. 2:6). They were naked; she didn’t need clothes (Ge. 2:25). She could always find fruit to eat (Ge. 3:2). What happened after the fall?
Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
God told Eve about herself and explained what would happen to her and to her daughters:
Greatly Multiply thy Sorrow Through Sensitive Emotions
Most women have more sensitive emotions than men. Being sensitive helps women learn how to please husbands, but God multiplies sorrow to women because their feelings are easily hurt. The Bible says:
Every wise woman buildeth her house: Proverbs 14:1a
A woman’s emotions are the cement that builds her house. There’s no logical reason for a wife to pour her life into serving her family and building her house, women do this on emotion. Men, would you like to be married to you? Could you do what your wife does in your home? Think: how can women do what they do? Women build homes and churches through love and emotion, but they can’t build home or church unless they’re free to express their emotions and are appreciated when they do.
God punished Eve by giving women a strong emotional desire to please men (1 Cor. 7:34). Husbands rule though praise: women do more of what’s praised if they aren’t criticized. If all they get is criticism, they’ll do more of what’s criticized the most. God put strong emotions in women on purpose, it was not an accident:
a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
“Prudence” means thinking ahead; the way a woman’s mind works, that is, her prudence, is of the Lord. God made women think the way they do on purpose. The mixture of logic and emotion which God gives each woman makes her want to serve her family and build her home, asking only praise in return (Pro. 31:28b-29).
Keep your words to your wife healthful for her. Just before our wedding, my wife asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more criticism hurts. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.” That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to make it hard for her to love me, so I watch what I say.
Thy Desire shall be to thy Husband
A woman desires to belong to a man whom she can please by making him happy with her mating instinct toward him (Song 8:3) just as a man desires to have a woman belong to him (Song 7:10). Men should treat their wives as precious, undeserved gifts from God who made women want to hang around with men.
He Shall Rule Over Thee
Belonging to a man and following him should bring his wife joy (Ecc. 9:9, Song 1:2, 2:16, 6:3, 7:10, 8:3). She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
You know my wife’s simple “5 times” rule for keeping husbands happy. There’s no simple way for a man to keep a wife happy because women differ much more from each other than men do. Men and women have the same need for belonging, but they express it differently.
You want your wife to open her body to you. She wants you to open your heart to her. You want to put yourself into her body. She wants to put herself, that is, her words, her thoughts, her feelings, into your heart.
You leave your seed inside her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby. She wants to leave her essence, her being, in your heart where it affects your thinking about her, how you treat her, and how you relate to everyone else. People can see if you belong to each other by looking at you or hearing you.
Husband and wife should be “one flesh” as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam’s body (Mk. 10:8). A woman at work tried to attract me. “I was angry when you didn’t even notice,” she told me. “Then I realized, ‘Oh, he belongs to his wife’ and I went after someone else.” Another woman read some of our material. “I was angry at how much you knew about me,” she said. “Then I realized you’re clueless, your wife told you how women think.” I had to understand what my wife said in my heart so I could write about it. You need hours and days of back-and-forth talk or you can’t be one as Jesus expects (Mt. 19:6).
A wife wants her husband to open his heart to her at least as often as he takes her and often more. That’s how he gets knowledge of her as God expects (1 Pe. 3:7). If he opens himself as sincerely, as deeply, as patiently, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open herself to him, he will belong to her. Belonging to each other as taught in the Song (2:16, 6:3) gives them both a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
Women open their hearts to each other all the time; they don’t understand how scary it is for a man. 1 Cor. 11:9 says that women are made for men. Men aren’t taught how scary it is for women to belong to men.
WHAT DO WOMEN DESIRE FROM HUSBANDS?
“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread (Ge. 3:19).”[1] God gave no way for Eve to eat. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye when sending them back to their families to find husbands, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest
, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery. In a muscle-powered society with no welfare system, wives depend on husbands for food. Naomi wanted Ruth and Orpha to have food, clothing, and shelter, of course, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in constant reminders that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song of Solomon. A woman desires that her husband like feeding, clothing, and housing her and her children (I Tim. 5:8).
Watching any couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women get this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
: Eat and drink
, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee
. Proverbs 23:7
A man can say he loves a woman and feed her without giving his heart. God has the same problem:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8 see also Isaiah 29:13, Mark 7:6
Naomi wanted each daughter to find a husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7) – wives also appreciate cheerful giving.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me
; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
Your wife took on the yoke of pleasing you when you took her to wife. Do you make it easy for her to learn of you? That’s a major reason she wants you to open your heart – learning of you lightens her yoke.
Women share their hearts all the time in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14). They must be taught that it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as for a woman to open her body. A man’s emotions are as powerful as a woman’s. Japanese say “One hair of a woman’s head pulls more strongly than ten yoke of oxen” and Chinese say that a man in love rides a wild horse. Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death
; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare a man. He may declare his love, but may not admit his love to himself. God says it’s OK:
The heart
of her husband doth safely trust in her
, Proverbs 31:11a
John 21:15-17 tells us that after His disciples went fishing instead of starting the church, Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me?” three times. Having created Peter, Jesus knew Peter wouldn’t want to admit his love because Peter had seen Jesus’ sorrow when the Jews refused Him and went to Hell. Jesus didn’t make Peter love Jesus – he already did – but admitting it to himself made him willing to spread the gospel.
For if there be first
a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. II Corinthians 8:12
If a man isn’t willing to admit his love for his wife to himself, he can’t convince her. Being willing to love her and willing to learn how to nourish her will make her happy in finding rest in him.
Proverbs 30:16 states that an empty womb is never satisfied. Women desire children. Having been given children, she desires that their father want to stick around and help her raise them.
Genesis 24:67 “Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent…” A woman desires a place to live.
Few men understand their wives many needs; few women have the words to explain. Discuss the Bible verses about a woman’s needs to see what she thinks.
Women see the Bible differently from men; her view helps open the mind of God. My wife saw David and Goliath as a story in human relations! She saw David’s older brother criticize him for coming to the battle before asking why. He didn’t know David’s father had sent him. He’d seen Samuel anoint David to be King and trashed him anyway! He trashed his future king! How dumb can you get? I hadn’t seen that. She helped me see Ruth as a romance story: poverty-stricken widow goes to a strange land to find God, works hard, shows virtue, marries a rich man, and ends in Jesus’ line. Her 6 rules for finding rest in marriage still work.
MEN DON’T KNOW WHY WIVES CAN’T GIVE COMFORT
Few men know that the Bible says four times De. 21:14, 22:9 and Ez. 22:10-11 that a man “has humbled” a woman by taking her. We now know that opening herself triggers hormones that change her brain.
God wants children to have fathers. God arranged that a woman wants to cling to the man who takes her. Humbling herself by clinging to her husband and serving him gladly helps her children have a father. The hormones of being humbled make her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s pleased with her, feeling that more strongly comforts her as she sees how much he delights in her. If she has doubts about his love or feels criticized, being more sensitive to negative feelings will make her not to want to give him his 5 times. A woman has a thousand ways to avoid her husband’s desire, but it’s generally because she has doubts about his love for her. She won’t want to feel dependent on a man she who won’t belong to her.
She can’t follow unless he opens his heart enough for her to know where he’s going. She can’t obey unless he opens his heart to discuss his wants in detail. Ever had a boss tell you to do something without telling you how, and then got angry when you didn’t do it the way he wanted? Lots of wives feel that way.
Opening herself to her husband takes a great deal of emotional energy, and opening his heart to his wife takes a lot of emotional energy. The Marriage Arch shows how to recharge each other’s emotional batteries. A man wants his wife to yearn to receive his seed; she wants him to yearn to receive her speech.
If you want to be happy in marriage, be happy enough to convince your wife that you’re happy with her.
Marriage is Simpler than We Think
Salvation is two words, “only believe (Lk. 7:50).” God’s rule for a man and woman coming together is three words, “only in marriage.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.”
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. I want my words to be health to my wife so she’ll want to hear me. I say, “That didn’t work as well as we planned. What went wrong? Let’s learn to do better next time.” I say “we” because she tries to do everything the way I want it done. That puts me in all she does.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing you said. Any words which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you shouldn’t be said. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything, not ever.
I was making an appointment. The young lady saw that I treasured my wife and asked how long we’d been married. When I told her 52 years, she wanted to know how we did it. I gave her “only praise.”
Her eyes bugged out. “That’s hard!” she complained. “What do I do if I’m really upset at him?”
“Are you an adult, or are you a child?” I asked. “We teach little kids not to lose their temper, not to throw angry words at each other by the time they’re 2, age 3 at the latest. If you aren’t grown up enough to keep your temper, are you grown up enough to marry?”
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; Ephesians 4:32-5:1
Jesus expects us to follow after God. When God looks on your wife, he sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because His blood has washed away her sins. To follow God, you must look on your wife as God sees her as she reflects the perfection and purity of Christ.
Marriage is simple – “Only praise,” and follow God by seeing each other, treating each other, and taking about each other as perfect (Song 4:7). That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage; nothing else works as well.
Background Information
THOU SHALT LOVE THE LORD THY GOD
The New Testament uses the Greek word agapaō to describe God’s love for the world, to describe the love God expects Christians to have for each other, and to describe the love men should have for their wives. The Greek word phileō describes brotherly love which is weaker than agapaō.
Eph. 5:25 commands “Husbands, love (agapaō) your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” but, like the command to love God, this goes beyond agapaō. Christ gave His life for the church; a husband is expected to give his life day by day to nourish and cherish his wife in heart and mind. As with salvation, married love starts with feelings of attraction (ludus, eros), should deepen to a conscious decision to serve the other (agapaō) before marriage, and should mature beyond agapaō over time.
The command “love the Lord thy God” appears 14 times! You should read them all:
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway. Deuteronomy 11:1
And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, 14That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil. Deuteronomy 11:13-14
For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; Deuteronomy 11:22
Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 13:3
If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three: Deuteronomy 19:9
And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
In that I command thee this day to love the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in the land whither thou goest to possess it. Deuteronomy 30:16
That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. Deuteronomy 30:20
But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul. Joshua 22:5
Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the LORD your God. Joshua 23:11
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. Matthew 22:37
And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
These verses command us to offer God agapaō and much more. Loving God with your soul is mentioned 8 times, mind 3 times, strength twice, might once, and so on. We’re to decide in our minds to go beyond agapaō and love God and our wives with everything we have!
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
We must be careful not to let our emotions go where they shouldn’t. We guard our hearts to avoid involvement in anything that becomes more important than God or with someone who takes too much away from our spouse, but salvation starts as an emotional experience – “What a friend (phileō) we have in Jesus.” It takes time for our reason to accept the joy of salvation (Job 7:17, 15:14, Ps. 8:4, 144:3, He. 2:6) so our mind (agapaō) comes along with the rest of our being. Is your all on the altar of worship and of marriage?
You don’t need Greek or Hebrew to learn what God expects you to learn from His Word, but it helps.
EXPLAINING MARRIAGE IN ONE MINUTE
You can explain both marriage and salvation in 30 seconds. Parents spend years getting kids into good colleges but not much time, talent, toil, or treasure teaching them how to have good marriages. These verses deserve a lot of study. We don’t expect anyone to drive without being taught, how can we expect good marriages without teaching? This is a study exercise. Look up the verses and think on them.
Nobody deserves salvation; every person is a sinner who deserves to go to Hell (Rom. 3:23, 5:12, 6:23). If you accept salvation, God gives you the gift of eternal life (Rom. 6:23b). God doesn’t see your sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12, I Cor. 6:11).
Accepting God’s offer of grace means that He and His Son see you as perfect (Eph. 5:25-27, Rom. 8:1, 1 Ki. 8:61, 11:4, 15:3, 15:14, 2 Ki. 20:3, 2 Chr. 15:17).
Salvation makes us servants of Jesus Christ (Ps. 100:2, Rom. 1:1, Tit. 1:1). We belong to God (Jn. 10:29, 1 Cor. 6:19), serve Him out of love (2 Cor. 5:14), and strive to walk in good works as Jesus taught (Eph. 2:10).
God expects us to serve Him by serving spouses, families, and churches (Rom. 12:10, Eph. 4:12, 5:21, 1 Pet. 5:5). Focus on God through Christ. What God does is perfect; serving Him by serving your spouse is a perfect calling (Mk. 9:35, 10:44). Focus your eyes on your perfect God, not on fallible people (Phil. 2:1-8).
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in a Half-Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
Eph. 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:10-12, Is. 43:25, Heb. 10:17, Eph. 5:25-27). When God washes away our sins (Heb. 9:14, 10:19-22), what’s left is perfect and without condemnation (Rom. 8:1, 15:13). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees us as perfect, so we must follow God and see our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, say your spouse is perfect for you, and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6). Marriage prospers if the husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17). He’s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29, Song 4:7, 6:9) as perfect, she’s to obey him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33, Col. 3:18) even though neither of them deserves the other!
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in One Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
We must love God with perfect hearts. “Love the Lord thy God” is in the Bible 14 times (Deu. 6:5, 11:1, 11:13, 11:22, 13:3, 19:9,30:6, 30:16, 30:20, Joshua 22:5, 23:11, Mt. 22:37, Mk. 12:30, Lk. 10:27)! 1 Kings 11:4 and 15:3 speak of David having a perfect heart with the Lord his God. David sinned, but he never turned from worshiping God to worshiping anything else. Faithfulness and repentance kept his heart perfect with God.
God expects us to keep our hearts perfect with Him and with each other. We must not let our hearts stray toward anyone else or anything else (Job 31:1, Pr. 25:38, Song of Solomon).
As David was perfectly confident in God and rested in what God gave him, we must learn to rest contentedly in each other and in what God gives us (Ruth 1:9a, Mt. 11:28, Phi. 4:11, 1 Tim. 6:6, Heb. 13:5).
Love God by loving your spouse; serve God by serving your spouse, praise God by praising your spouse is simple, but “simple” isn’t “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat ‘til you get there – but not easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a stroll across a continent.
Groups of God’s people in a local church should act with hearts as perfect as David’s:
All these men of war, that could keep rank, came with a perfect heart
to Hebron, to make David king over all Israel: and all the rest also of Israel were of one heart
to make David king. I Chronicles 12:38 *
The people agreed with one perfect heart that they wanted David as their king. God gave us one way to relate to Him, that is, with perfect hearts and never go after other gods. Husband and wife must both have perfect hearts with God. Both must have perfect hearts with each other and never go after anyone else.
As God graciously gives His salvation to those who earnestly seek Him (De. 4:29), He graciously gives the blessings of marriage to couples who seek Him and enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. “Holy” means “set apart to the Lord for His purposes.” Holy Matrimony doesn’t belong to us, it belongs to God.
We’re not talking about gluten-free, no calorie diet matrimony as lost people do, we’re taking the real deal, we’re discussing Holy Matrimony which bride and groom should enter with one perfect heart. There is no vow in salvation; your marriage vows are the most solemn, binding vows any human can ever utter.
As we work out God’s salvation in fear and trembling (Phi. 2:12), we work out God’s gift of marriage as we mature, grow, and learn. David never lost his salvation, but his sins took away his joy:
Restore unto me the joy
of thy salvation
; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12
Salvation belonged to God and not to David. He knew that God would faithfully restore his joy in God’s salvation once he restored his relationship with God through repentance and confession (1 Jn. 1:9). Be prepared to confess to one another and forgive one another to restore your joy in God’s marriage (Jas. 5:16).
THE LOVE OF GOD
My parents persuaded (2 Cor. 5:11) me to accept Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd grade. I loved Jesus because He loved me enough (Ro. 5:8) to accept the punishment for my sins – taking the punishment for my brothers’ sins was hard for me to think about.
Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew Adam would sin before He said “let there be light” to start creation. Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway! What does His love say about the way He ordained marriage?
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: Isaiah 1:18
Be logical. Jesus loved us enough to create us even though He knew He’d have to die to save us from our sins. Would a God who loved us that much create men and women so that we couldn’t build joyous marriages? Or did a God who loved us enough to die to save us design us so that men and women can find joy in working together to create safe spaces where their children can grow? Did God put powerful drives into men and women to draw us into marriages which will bless us if we follow His plan? Of course!
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
God gives good things if we ask. A wife is a good thing. We must follow the salvation instructions God put in His Word to go to Heaven. We must follow His instructions in His Word to have joy in marriage.
GOD DEMONSTRATES HIS LOVE THROUGH WOMEN
It’s hard to understand how a Holy, perfect God can love wretched sinners like you and me (Ps. 8:4, Heb. 2:6). God knew that, so He gave us mothers to show every one of us how His love works.
Mom and Dad taught me what I needed to know to accept Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd grade. I loved Jesus because He loved me enough (Ro. 5:8) to accept the punishment for my sins – taking the punishment for my brothers’ sins was hard for me to think about.
I was 14 when I saw the difference between how true Christians behave and how fake Christians behave. I then had to choose a side as Joshua and Elijah chose (Jos 24:15, 1 Ki. 18:21). I remember deciding that I really did love Jesus, so I couldn’t be friends with some of the people in the school. Every Christian must decide whether to follow the crowd or to stand for Christ (Eze. 22:30).
Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway!
It’s hard to understand loving us enough to die for us long before we were even born so God shows us by having mothers want to risk death to give their children life. Before modern medicine, a woman had about a 98.5% chance of surviving a pregnancy. That sounds like death in childbirth was unlikely, but without birth control, women had so many pregnancies that 1 woman in 8 died in childbirth.
Every girl knew someone who had died in childbirth. Every girl knew that she would walk the valley of the shadow of death for each child (Ge. 35:18, 1 Sam. 4:20), yet women wanted to marry and bear children (Ge.30:1, Lk. 1:25) anyway. Women want children badly enough to risk death; Jesus wanted so badly to create us that He chose certain death!
Jesus knew He would weep when people He loved wouldn’t accept His offer of salvation (Is. 53:3, Mt. 23:37, Lk. 13:34) and that He would have to die to save us from our sins, yet He created the world which led to my birth anyway. I was born before antibiotics could fight childbed infections. My mother gladly risked her life to give me life and did it again and again for my brothers. That’s the woman’s part of Ge. 5:1-2 “in the likeness of God made he him,” when “he [that is, God] called their name Adam” to include Eve.
Let your mother know you appreciate her wanting you in spite of the peril and pain she’d bear giving birth to you (Pr. 31:28-29) and thank your wife for wanting your children. Then thank Jesus for creating you in spite of knowing that He would have to die to take the punishment for your sins (Jn. 15:3).
Your mother risked her life to give you life, shed her blood in painful labor to birth you, then labored to keep you alive; Jesus died to give you more abundant life (Jn. 10:10) followed by life eternal (Mt 25:46, Jn. 4:36, 12:25, 17:3). Thank them both.
What did you do to earn Jesus’ giving His life and His blood (He. 9:12, 9:22) to pay the penalty for your sins and my sins? Nothing. There is nothing we can do to earn salvation (Is. 64:6, Ro. 3:10), it is an undeserved gift of God (Eph. 2:8-9) He died to give us because He loves us (Ez. 33:11, Ro. 5:8).
If someone gave you a gift, would you hand over money to pay for it? That would refuse the gift. Trying to get to heaven by being good, being religious, going to church, tithing, doing good deeds, is not only impossible (Ro. 3:11), trying to earn your way into heaven blocks you from accepting Jesus’ offer of salvation from your sins (Gal. 5:4). You’re trying to pay for a freely-offered gift whose price is far more than you could ever pay.
What did you do to earn your mother’s risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into keeping you alive and teaching you how to behave as an adult? Nothing. She risked her life before she knew anything about you. She gave her life freely based on the emotional drives God put into her and looked forward eagerly to your birth as she felt God forming you within her womb (Is. 49:5).
We know that some mothers harm their children. Is that what God wanted? Of course not, this is because of the sin which came into the world when Adam refused to confess his sin and would not ask God to forgive him. God asked Adam, “Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat (Ge. 3:11)?” We Christians know that God has promised to forgive our sins if we confess:If we confess our sins
, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
God doesn’t change (Mal. 3:6). God would have forgiven Adam if he’d confessed. Instead of admitting his sin, Adam blamed Eve for giving him the fruit and blamed God for giving him Eve!
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she
gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
God told Adam to keep the garden (Gen. 2:15), which meant to protect it. Gen. 3:6 says “she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.” Note two important words “with her!” People forget that Adam was there with her the entire time! Why did he let the serpent deceive his wife? Why didn’t he protect his wife whom God had trusted to his care?
Be realistic, men, blaming your wives when things go wrong won’t help you any more than it helped Adam, you are the leader, so it’s on you. God designed women’s minds and hearts carefully so that for the most part, a mother’s love for her children illustrates His love for us, His children. Adam’s sin brought so much sin into the world that a few mothers fail to love their children as God planned.
We’ve seen mothers reject children when men reject mothers after getting them pregnant without marriage. Women blame the father even though they wanted children and stopped taking birth control pills without telling him. Such mothers often reject a child who looks or acts enough like the father to remind her that the child’s father sinned against her by taking her without marriage even though she wanted his baby.
Even if the father stays with the woman, he may resent the child because in his mind, the mother got herself pregnant by stopping her pills without his agreement. The mother got a baby, but at what cost?
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul
. Psalm 106:15
In several cases we know, the father accepted later children when he had agreed to be a father. His resentment of his oldest and his acceptance of his younger children are evident to anyone who knows the family even years later. What could we say when relatives asked why kids were treated differently?
God loves fathers, mothers, and children in such cases, but the parents’ violation of His holiness by breaking His rules about sex brings leanness into their souls. These situations are caused by the birth control pill. Before the pill, a man knew that if he came together with a woman, he’d be a father within a year. Couples now “play house” and pretend that God doesn’t care that they’re breaking His laws.
If a woman’s on the pill, a man feels she expects to have sex, so why not with him? If she isn’t on the pill, she can say “No, I’ll get pregnant. Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” That’s taught in Ge. 24:67. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her and discard her. God hates that!
God made men possessive to help give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman, she chooses to belong to him, and encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she becomes pregnant, her children also belong to him. If she’s not his, the kids are hers, and she can look after them herself.
God’s love and God’s salvation are undeserved gifts of God. Most mothers show how His love works. We should love Him because He first loved us (Ro. 5:8). His love should drive us to serve Him as He requires of us (2 Cor. 5:14). God never bullies us into obedience; He always lets us choose (Joshua 24:25) whether to obey His commands or not. He yearns for obedience (De. 5:29, 30:10), but He never forces us. The choice is ours.
Have you thanked your mother today for risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into you? And thanked Jesus for dying to save you?
The Apostle Paul wrote that we work to spread the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it. We serve Him because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouses should constrain us to do whatever we can to please him or her. If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we handle problems the other person causes. That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness. God forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people in the same way He forgave us.
GOD TELLS US HOW TO BUILD JOYFUL MARRIAGES
A bridge built on wrong ideas about steel and concrete will fall. Like steel and concrete, women and men have different strengths and weaknesses. You can push hard on concrete, but it breaks if you pull on it. You can pull on steel, but pushing makes it bend. As steel and concrete become one in a reinforced slab which has the strengths of both, the forces God created to hold couples together form a one-flesh unit that stands strong against the pressures of life. When men and women use God’s forces wrong, their union is weakened. A marriage based on wrong ideas about men and women will suffer or fall. Here are some facts:
· A woman wants babies. It doesn’t matter what she says, her basic nature comes out if she’s happy with her husband. If women didn’t want babies, there wouldn’t be any babies given birth control.
· A man wants to throw a woman on his horse, ride off, take her, and possess her. He may try to hide his possessiveness, but his basic nature comes out in the end, particularly after they’re married.
Women are smaller than men and weaker than men. The Japanese character for “man” combines the characters for “field” and “strength” because a man provides strength in the field. Japanese “strength” means to “press down and control, to get the upper hand.” God made men strong enough to feed and defend them so women don’t have to be as large or as strong. Women can stay home instead of going out hunting or farming. Using less food to feed muscles gives women more energy to make babies and take care of babies.
WHY GOD MADE MEN AND WOMEN THINK SO DIFFERENTLY
God made males and females think differently to help us be fruitful and multiply. Instead of trusting that a loving God He created us to bless each other, many complain that God made their spouses wrong. Women complain that men are too possessive, too controlling, and can’t find anything in a refrigerator. Men complain that women are too emotional and talk too much.
Very few people can explain their thought processes. This short paper discusses the different ways male and female brains work to help couples talk about how they think. Understanding draws them closer.
Discussion Points
These Bible verses explain what women desire from their husbands. Discuss them with your wife. This will help you dwell according to knowledge of her as God commands (I Pe. 3:7). In drawing closer to God by discussing His Word, you’ll draw closer to each other.
Present – a woman expects him to treat her as a gift from God (Pr. 18:22, Ec. 9:9, I Col. 11:9, Ge. 2:18)
Prayer – she expects him to lead in prayer; prayer brings wisdom (I Thess. 5:17-18, Psalm 127:1, James 1:5)
Provision – she expects him to provide food, clothing, and shelter for her and for her children (I Tim 5:8)
Protection – she expects protection from his passions, her emotions, and from all external threats (Heb. 13:6)
Procreation – she expects him to appreciate her children as her finest gift to him (Ps 128:3)
Paternity – she expects him to be emotionally, financially, and logically involved in helping her raise her children (Gal. 4:1-2, Pr. 19:18, Pr. 23:13, Eph. 6:4, Heb. 12:7-9)
Pleasure – she desires physical pleasure from him (Song 1:2, 8:3, Gen. 18:22) She expects him to enjoy talking with her and to take pleasure in opening his heart to her (Jud. 16:15, Pr. 31:11, I Cor. 7:3)
Praise – she desires that he appreciate and praise (Pr. 18:22, Pr. 31:28-29) all of her efforts on behalf of her family and she expects him to praise her and appreciate her for helping him
Partnership – she expects him to share the responsibility of educating, cleaning, raising, and guiding her children (Gal 4:2, Ep 6:4). She expects him to draw on her help to advance his career (Mt. 27:19).
Participation – she wants to know everything he does, to be involved in all decisions, and to use her gifts to bless him (I Cor. 7:34).
Patience – she expects him to spend as much time as it takes to talk to her enough to know her (I Pe. 3:7)
Peculiarity – he should know and rejoice in her unique, feminine peculiarities, to delight in how God made her different from all the other women in the world (Pr. 19:14b, 31:28-29, Song 6:9)
Perception – she expects him to understand and appreciate her gifts and to enjoy her unique way of thinking and expressing herself (Pr. 18:22, James 1:17)
Pleased – she cares deeply that he be pleased with her (I Cor. 7:34)
Plan – he must explain where he’s going clearly so that she can follow him in confidence that she’ll please him (Pr. 29:18). She can’t follow if she doesn’t know where he’s going; she can’t obey if she doesn’t understand
Persuasion – she wants him to persuade her (Ro. 14:5b, 14:23b, II Cor. 5:11, Phi. 1:9a) instead of commanding
Part – she expects to be a vital part of his life, to be the axle on which his wheel of his life turns, to be the tail on his kite, holding him steady as they soar together (I Cor. 11:3, 8-9, Mt. 19:6, Mark 10:8)
Place – she expects a place to live, a place in his life, and a place in his heart (Gen. 24:67, Ruth 4:12a)
Peer – she isn’t his peer, she needs him to appreciate the ways she and he are different. The world says that men and women are the same; the Bible says they are not (Gen 1:27, Matt 19:4, Mark 10:6)
Peace – she expects him to rule her gently (De. 28:56a) so that her heart can find peaceful rest in belonging to him (Ruth 1:9)
Potential – she expects him to fulfil his potential, better himself throughout their married life, and help her better herself to fulfil her potential (II Tim. 2:15)
Purity – she expects him to value (Pr. 31:10) and guard her purity both before and after marriage (Heb. 13:4)
Privacy – she expects him to value her thoughts and to keep the secret thoughts of her heart to himself (Pr. 11:13, 20:19)
Perfection – she expects him to treat her as a perfect wife (Son 4:7, James 1:17, Pr. 31:28-29)
Passion – his desire should be towards her and towards her alone (Song 7:10) and she expects to delight in it (Song 1:2, 8:2-3, Pr. 5:18-19)
Possession – she expects him to belong to her and she to him (Song 2:16, 6:3, 7:10). We know how a woman shows that she belongs to her husband. How does a man convince his wife that he belongs to her?
A man expects the “three warms,” a warm heart, a warm bed, and warm meals (Ge. 29:21).
[1] In Gen. 3:14, God cursed Satan “above all cattle, and above every beast of the field.” In 3:17 God said, “cursed is the ground for thy sake” before telling Adam that he would eat by the sweat of his face. Although Satan, cattle, beasts, and the ground were cursed, Adam and Eve were not cursed. By placing Adam’s struggle to find or grow food at the mercy of weather and much else which man can’t control, God reminds us that all lives depend on God (Ecc. 5:9). Before men could pump water out of the ground, farmers needed rain to fill reservoirs or water their crops. Farmers know their dependence on God.
POSTED BY BILL TAYLOR AT 11:32 AM
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