HAPPY SPOUSE… HAPPY HOUSE…
5h 02/06/24 ·
Bill Taylor It may not be his responsibility, but his life will go better if he does. “Happy wife, happy life.” the Bible warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship. My wife asked God to choose her husband, God could not give her to me to be my wife without teaching me important facts about her, so the Holy Spirit led her to say some very surprising things about herself while we were dating. This information became the foundation of our marriage. We found later that many women had similar needs, so we wrote it down for our granddaughter: https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/…/what-drove…
Her words will help you make a man confident he can make you happy. This will make him feel safe opening his heart to you and convince him that making you happy will make him very happy indeed. It worked for me! There is no joy for a man on this side of heaven that compares with having a woman LIKE belonging to him, but he has to convince her that he is glad to belong to her and glad to take care of her for that to work.
SUCCESSFUL-MARRIAGE.BLOGSPOT.COM – Marriage Under Threat: What Drove Jesus’ 11 Nobodies to Turn the World Upside-Down?
WHAT MY WIFE TOLD ME BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED BY BILL & ROBERTA TAYLOR
My wife and I have been happily married since 1971. It’s obvious to people who know us, and to most who see us for the first time. Years ago, our granddaughter Veronica asked us why we were so happily married.
As a girl becomes a woman, the way she manages her relationships with men, or better yet, with a man, has a profound effect on how her life turns out. Kids today are subject to many wrong influences, far more than when we grew up. Veronica wanted to avoid the path of marital misery so many travel today.
The strongest influence on a marriage is how the husband treats his wife. The way he treats her is based on what happens before marriage, and most of that is determined by how the woman conducts herself.
Before we were married, my wife told me vital facts about herself which became the foundation of our marriage. We wrote them down for Veronica in the hope that she would position herself to be as valued, treasured, appreciated, and nourished as her grandmother.
HOW SHE KNEW WHAT TO SAY
About a year before I found her, my wife was planning to marry a man she’d dated in college. He looked really good – youth group leader, served in the church – so she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew her friend well to her college. He confirmed that the flaw God had pointed out would make it a bad idea for her to marry him. When she asked him about it, he huffed, “That’s how I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” and broke up with her.
A year went by and her friends were marrying. She prayed, “Oh God, please, send me a husband or make me content without one.” One day, as she opened her hymnbook, she realized she’d been seen by a man behind her. “Is this my husband?” she thought. She was thinking of marrying me before she’d even seen me. We had our first date in April and married in August.
She’d asked God to choose her husband. Knowing that I had no idea how to nourish or cherish her, the Holy Spirit led her to tell me astounding things about her. She was embarrassed by some of what she said and had had no such thoughts before saying them. This guidance to me was clearly of God.
Proverbs 31:1 says that Mrs. Lemuel taught her son how to bless his future wife; mothers are better qualified to teach sons how to nourish wives than fathers are. Working mothers don’t have time for that. It’s hard for her to get through to her son because men aren’t inclined to listen to women. The angel criticized Manoah for not accepting what the angel told his wife (Judges 13:13) and Pilate ignored his wife’s advice:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19 *
There is a time, however, when a man may listen. When he’s attracted enough to pursue a woman, his agenda is well defined and focused. If he’s drawn strongly enough to her, he’ll listen as she explains the terms and conditions under which she would enjoy fulfilling his plans. If he won’t listen, she must walk away because he’ll never pay closer attention to what she says than when he’s pursuing her.
Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, but he also knows an unhappy woman can give him the torments of Hell. What she said was so reasonable and so workable that I was confident I could make her happy. Once I decided she wanted to make me happy, marrying her was a no-brainer.
Veronica couldn’t count on a man having been taught because few working mothers have time to do that. We wrote down what her grandmother told me to give her ideas to tell a prospective mate what God wanted me to know about sanctifying and nourishing my wife. It worked as well for her as for her grandmother.
DATING IS NOT A GAME, IT’S SERIOUS BEYOND MEASURE
Veronica, my best beloved, the Bible teaches that you were made for your husband; he’s not made for you (I Co. 11:8-9[141]). That means that even though your role as wife is of critical importance to your home, your husband, as your leader, has more influence than you do after you’re married.
You’re a mirror, you’ll multiply whatever your husband gives you. Consider babies. Your husband gives you one tiny cell. You gather his life force unto yourself, nourish and multiply his seed within you, and bring forth a child with billions of cells. Every cell of your baby has the mark of your husband’s DNA (Gen. 5:3[142]).
If your husband gives you joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9[143]), you’ll multiply what he gives you and fill your home with love and light to the Glory of God. If he gives you anger, criticism, or harshness, Satan will tempt you to multiply that and your house will fill with anger and pain.
A virtuous wife “openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr. 31:26).” A man who’s emotionally involved with you can be hurt terribly by your words even if he won’t admit it.
Real Biblical love is a choice, not an emotion. Jesus loves in spite of being hurt (Mt. 23:37[144]) and so can a man or woman whose love of Christ strengthens (Philip. 4:13[145]), but why should your words make it hard for your husband to open his heart to you? How can he trust in you as Pr. 31:11 promises if you hurt him?
Your husband has the most impact on your life after marriage, but what you do before the wedding sets your value to him. The path God gives you may be different from ours, but as long as you let God lead, He’ll get you where you ought to be. The wisdom the Holy Spirit led your grandmother to convey to me as we courted was vital to our walk with God, so I’m sharing it with you for you to pass along to others.
The next chapter tells our granddaughter what the Holy Spirit wanted me to know before God could give her grandmother to me to be my wife.
Chapter 10 – Saturday Afternoon 4-5 – Wisdom Your Grandmother Shared With Me
My best beloved granddaughter, you’re old enough that the choices you’re making now will affect the rest of your life. Your theology, that is, what you believe about God, is your most important choice. What you choose to believe about God determines what you do, and what you do affects how things turn out for you.
You’ve prayed, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him,” but do you believe it? Your grandmother chose to believe that God was great enough to give her life and breath and good enough to give His Word to bless her. She tried to follow the parts she understood and she asked God to protect her to keep her on His path. She also believed that God was good enough to want her to have an abundant life (John 10:10b[146]).
She knew God knew her better than she knew herself. She believed that if God wanted her to marry, He would give her to a man who would bless her if she let Him choose. She spent years asking God to work in her heart to make her a Proverbs 31 woman, that’s why she was able to hear what God told her about me.
These two passages became her key to letting God choose her husband:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Keeping her heart was the key. Women can get emotionally involved with very wrong men after which it’s hard to hear the Lord’s warning to pull away. She tried to keep her heart from me until after I married her. All through dating and up the aisle, she prayed, “God, if Bill isn’t the right man for me, please stop this!”
To make me right for her, God had to teach me how to nourish and cherish her. Men are pretty clueless about women. God worked on me by having your grandmother say some vital, astounding things to me while we were courting and after we were married.
I’M A TREASURE LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND, NOT A TOY LOOKING FOR FUN
When I first asked her out, she said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. When a woman lets herself “fall in love” with a man who isn’t willing to marry anyone, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’; she’s in for a world of hurt.
When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to support her. In times past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry him unless he’d grow up enough to have a job. Many modern girls live with guys without marriage and even pay “their share” of the rent. Your grandmother was letting me know that she wasn’t going to do that.
Every man knows in his heart that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that’s why men pursue women. I was attracted to her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! I didn’t know that she had no idea what being my treasure would mean, but I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she meant that, marriage would be a no-brainer, so I said, “Sure.”
A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her. God knew I had no idea how to nourish and cherish her. He had to teach me how to learn how to make her happy so that she could make me happy. If I couldn’t make her happy, we’d both be miserable.
I WANT TO BE PURE AT THE ALTAR
On our second date, she told me to dump the other girl I was seeing; she wanted me to focus on her and on her alone. She then said she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night. We agreed that the promises of Proverbs 31 are for a virtuous woman, not the other kind, and that God reserves intimacy for marriage. She was embarrassed about having said that, but she in effect made me responsible for protecting her purity. She’d been asking God to protect her all along, now she asked me to help God protect her.
Good thing, too. My classmates were pretty casual about men and women coming together without marriage. This discussion gave me the strength to preserve our purity when we were tempted later.
SHE CALLED ME “SIR.”
From early in our courtship, she’d occasionally say “Yes, sir” when I addressed her. Not every time, but as the spirit moved her. I like that a lot, but we had no idea how important it was.
The Bible teaches you to call your husband “Lord (I Pe. 3:8)” and to reverence him (Eph. 5:33[147]). This is difficult if you don’t respect him. Ladies should wait for a man whom they want to call “Sir.”
“Sir” meant she’d respect me in spite of my mistakes. We’re told to confess our faults one to another (Jas. 5:16[148]). Men don’t like doing that and they really don’t like telling wives things they’re afraid will cost them respect. Many men ignore Pr. 31:11a[149] and won’t open their hearts to their wives. Calling me “Sir” helped me open my heart to her when I realized that God wanted me to belong to her; we’re glad she could do it.
DON’T FUSS AT ME
Weeks later, she asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I didn’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro 12:18
I need this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man whom she loves. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why I like hanging around her.
TALKING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE
A few days before our wedding, she told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
What??!! That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. As she got marriage on the table, as she asked me to focus my attention on her alone, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant.
I had no idea how vital this was. Let’s just say that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[150]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.
Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her. Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other. God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and all that talk made me hers.
I SERVE GOD BY SERVING YOU
24 hours after our wedding, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me talking would be important, so we talked. “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “Neat-o! We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Whoa. I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it. The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. God wants me to lead you and take care of you. The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all. If I’m to lead you as God wants, I have to lead you by serving you. You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
You see, Veronica, marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift of God. The only way to be saved is to die to your former life and be married to Christ. Your husband won’t deserve your submission, you won’t deserve his giving his life to nourish you; those are undeserved gifts of God’s grace. God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other and their children.
Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh. The only way 2 people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family. Each of you must give the other the same love and grace God gave in saving you (I Pe. 4:10[151]). As Christ chose to love you regardless of your failures, you and your husband must choose to love each other regardless of failure, ‘til death do you part.
As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect (II Co. 5:14a[152]); you can only do this by the Grace of God. Watching your husband love you in spite of your failures increases your love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa. When lost people see you give God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace, and we have the privilege of laboring together with God (1 Cor. 3:9[153]) to tell them how to get it.
Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave. Your grandmother so loves God that she let God give her to me, I so love God that I let God give me to her. Our love for each other is based on our love for God. He must be first.
Just before our wedding, I wrote a letter, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you.” It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me, but I know many wives who don’t belong to their husbands. Beg God to increase your love for Christ and for Him. Ask that He help you become a Proverbs 31 woman whether He wants you to marry or not. Then if God chooses for you to marry, He can give you to a man who’ll treasure you as He treasures you.
AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
I told you, oh my best beloved, that although your role is important after you’re married, your husband has more influence on your happiness than you do. Having told you how God led your grandmother to prepare us both for marriage, it’s time to tell you why our marriage has worked out as well as it has.
First, your grandmother actually let God give her to me. When we first came together on our wedding night, she was terrified because God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me. Nobody had warned her of this, but she’d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; this had to be from God. She clung to her faith that God was good and prayed, “Lord, You must want me to belong to Bill. That doesn’t make sense, but if that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.” That’s why she was able to tell me she planned to serve God by serving me.
It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me. When I stood at the altar and vowed to God that I’d give up my right to pursue all the other women in the world and focus my masculinity on her, I expected her to be mine. To show that I’m not unusual, look at “the heart of her husband…” (Pr. 31:11) The Hebrew word is “Ba-el.” “El” means “god” as in “el-shaddai” or “elohim.” “Baal” appears in the Old Testament as the name of a deity. It could be translated “Lord,” “god,” or “owner” in Pr. 31:11.
Consider the Japanese word “shu-jin” which is translated “husband.” “Jin” is “person;” “shu” is “Lord” as in “Shu yesu kiristo;” Lord Jesus Christ. Shujin is literally “lord person.” A Japanese wife can’t refer to her husband without calling him “Lord;” it’s built into the language as in Eph. 5:33. My possessiveness is normal.
Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8[154], Mk. 7:6[155]) without honoring them with their hearts. If your grandmother had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and deeply disappointed. I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4[156]). Very little shames a man worse that having his wife not be his; I know of two heart attacks where such shaming was involved.
When your grandmother chose to let God give her to me, her happiness became my happiness. Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[157], 21:9[158], 19[159], 25:24[160], 27:15[161]), but the opposite is true, too. When she was happy, life was good. When she was happy with me, life was very good. When she was happy in being mine, I got the taste of the joys of Heaven that I’d expected when she told me God had made her to be a treasure. Being a practical engineer, I started learning how to make her happy.
I had another reason to study her. I’d heard many men complain about women, and they complained about the same things. When I told her, she told me her friends had said, “He may love you, but he won’t like things about you once you’re married” and they named the same things my dorm mates disliked.
This disagreed with my theology. I had always thought that God was good and had written her “For God so loved me that He gave me you.” She had told me she was a gift from God, the Bible said that (Pr. 18:22[162]), and I knew that God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[163], Jas. 1:17[164]). Therefore, and this was my important insight, all those men who had disliked characteristics which were common to women were wrong. Those traits were not defects; God made women that way on purpose to bless men.
I told your grandmother that we’d explore her nature. Anything true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me. If I couldn’t understand how or why something blessed me, it was my problem, not God’s, and we’d wrestle with it until we figured out how it blessed me. I treated it an engineering problem. To build a strong bridge, I must understand the nature of concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature.
With that understanding, she was happy to look into herself to explain her characteristics to me. God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge (I Pe. 3:7[165]). My working to learn how she blessed me not only made her happy, it helped me obey God.
I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her. When she’d say, “My friends feel that way,” I’d conclude most women were like that. Sometimes it was, “I don’t know anyone like that,” for things unique to her. At other times, she’d have to ask; her friends either agreed with her or didn’t.
This was another area where my engineering mind led me to obey God. God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4[166]). “Sanctification” means “set apart,” God expected me to know how she was like other women and how she was God’s special gift for me.
Read the Song of Solomon carefully. The husband praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. This is because he’s paid attention to what’s unique about her so that he can appreciate it. He says that she’s “but one,” (6:9) which means he’s sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women. She says 3 times that she belongs to him (2:16[167], 6:3[168], 7:10[169]). In 7:10, she says, “his desire is toward me.” She enjoys knowing how badly he wants her. 8:2-3[170] shows that she likes belonging to him as your grandmother likes belonging to me.
In all this talking about her emotions, skills, her feelings, and other characteristics, I ended up opening my heart to her rather often. This was as frightening to me as her opening herself to me had frightened her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me. God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.
It’s not enough for a man to have a woman belong to him. Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3). They were his property and had to do what he told them. There was none of this “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a headache.” This sounds like a masculine paradise, but how did it work out for Solomon?
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not
: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon owned a thousand women, yet his soul was empty. Why? They belonged to him, he could command, but he couldn’t make them like it. Instead of having a woman enjoy belonging to him as his first wife had, he had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace. No wonder his soul was empty.
This was Solomon’s fault. His first wife was “but one,” and she liked belonging to him. He had time to talk to her enough to open his heart to her which made him hers. You see, oh my best beloved, it’s nearly impossible for a woman to like belonging to her husband unless he not only belongs to her, he likes belonging to her. Belonging to her requires that he open his heart to her. So much talk takes so much time that a man can’t possibly belong to more than one woman.
As I said, your grandmother strives to make her words health to me. I can open my heart without fear that she’ll hurt me, which keeps me belonging to her. I started talking to her in this way because I’d promised and as a by-product of wanting to understand how God had designed her to bless me. It took 20 years of talk, but we can explain how the characteristics my dorm mates disliked about women actually bless them.
The bottom line, Veronica, is that you can’t make your husband any happier than he makes you. Your happiness is greatest when he likes belonging to you. As a side benefit, opening his heart to you will teach him all kinds of ways to make you happy if he pays attention. The happier he makes you, the happier he will be.
When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior (Is. 43:25[171], Heb. 10:17[172]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees us as perfect, so we must follow God and see our spouses as perfect. When you look on your spouse, you should see the purity and perfection of His son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.
God expects bride and groom to enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God and with each other. Think about your spouse as perfect. Talk about your spouse as perfect. Tell your spouse and everyone you know that your spouse is perfect. The words that come out of your mouth will work back into your heart and you will treat your spouse as perfect.
If both parties work as hard as they can to do that, will the marriage work?
Questions and Discussions
Sunday School – Split Sessions, Men and Women Separately
Chapter 11 – How a Man Protects His Wife
You must earn your wife’s trust from the moment you meet her until death. How can she respect, follow, obey, honor, open herself to you, and submit herself to you if she can’t trust you? She’ll want to know whether you’re able to lead her, will you lead her, and if so, will you lead by serving her gently, page 15?
Will you blame her for everything that goes wrong as Adam did (Ge. 3:12[173]) or will you take responsibility? God appointed you to lead her; you must be worthy of her trust. As leader, failure belongs to you, so you must work with her and use her gifts along with yours to figure out how to prevent future failure.
God made men bigger and stronger than women; you are the person most likely to hurt your wife by bumping into her or tripping over her. God generally gives women more sensitive emotions than He gives men, so you are the most likely person to hurt her feelings by being careless in how you talk to her. God made them male and female, and they’re very different. Be careful to protect her from you.
Shortly before our wedding, my future wife asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.” The Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate (De. 28:56[174], Is. 47:1[175]).” I want to make it easy for my wife to love me, so I watch what I say. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife! The Song of Solomon teaches “only praise.”
THE PROTECTION SHE NEEDS MOST
There is no joy this side of Heaven for a man that compares with having his wife enjoy belonging to him; having her follow him gladly is an additional benefit. For her to follow you happily, or to follow you at all, it’s vital that she trust you to protect her from your emotions and your passions and from hers starting the moment you meet her and continuing until one of you dies.
The Bible explains this man-woman thing. Jacob loved Rachel the moment he saw her (Ge. 29:18[176]) and worked for Laban 7 years to earn the right to take her to wife:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her
. Genesis 29:21
Jacob wanted Rachel badly enough to work for years. Why did he do that? He wanted her that badly.
God knows that marriage brings great responsibilities and great trials. He put powerful desires into men so they would protect their wives and care for them when things get tough, but there’s a problem – when a man’s attracted to a woman, he’s driven to get physical with her, and his desire increases the more he’s with her. How can a woman tell when a man’s sexually aroused? He’s breathing. Nurses in old-age homes say that when a man is no longer aware of them as women, he’s a few hours from death.
My wife tells a woman that her husband dreams of having her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. He seldom has that much strength, but that’s his plan. That tends to horrify her. When she realizes that she’ll want him to open his heart to her whenever she wants to talk, which is at least that often, she sees it will be OK for her to belong to him if he belongs to her. Women have no idea how scary it is for a man to admit his feelings and open his heart to her, but that’s how a man belongs to his wife. If he’s hers, seeing his joy in having her makes her happy. The wife in the Song of Solomon agrees (Song 1:2[177], 2:16[178], 6:3[179]).
The Bible teaches that giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11). Your fluid which you inject into her body is about 1-3% sperm. 80% is a sugar solution which may feed the sperm as they swim through her fallopian tube to fertilize her egg. The rest is a mixture of hundreds of chemicals that are absorbed into her bloodstream. Some affect her brain, either triggering ovulation or the production of other hormones by other organs. These powerful hormones bind her to the man who takes her.
Feeling dependent can be frightening. Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[180]). It wasn’t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn’t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[181]). Why did she do it? She knew Isaac had plans which would have a strong effect on her. Covering herself gave a little space.
The section Biblical principles her relatives should discuss with a young man who’s pursuing her on page 115 explains the value God puts on a wife. She will have a much easier time belonging to you if you convince you that you value her as highly as God does and that you love her as God loves you, page 101.
MEN AND WOMEN ARE MORE DIFFERENT THAN WE IMAGINE
The Bible tells us how a man reacts to taking his bride to wife:
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
He feels like Superman, he’s ready to leap tall buildings at a single bound! What of her? The hormones produced in her body by his chemicals have bound her to him. She realizes that this is the man she must please, this is the man who will lead her, and she hopes it will work out well.
She may not have been particularly interested in coming together. Research shows that most women aren’t greatly aroused except when they’re fertile.[182] Depending on the woman, this can be a few hours per month or as little as fifteen minutes when her desire can be easily aroused by a man’s touch. Men are interested all the time, so we have to learn to control our impulses, urges, and desires.
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Women who haven’t made love are seldom interested, so she’ll have no experience controlling such powerful urges. Older women may tell girls not to kiss “because it’ll give him ideas.” That’s totally wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas during her fertile time. When both the man and the woman have the same idea, it’s very hard to stop.
PROTECT HER FROM YOU AND FROM HERSELF
On our second date, the Holy Spirit led my future wife to tell me that she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night. She had no idea she was going to say that, it just popped out. This made me responsible for protecting her purity. She’d asked God to protect her for years, now she asked me to help God protect her.
We had no idea how important purity is to successful marriage, but we found out why God had her tell me that. My desire for her had been building since we met, but she’d make purity important and I played things very cool for weeks. We knew fornication was wrong; we were saving ourselves for marriage.
She was put off because I was so aloof. She was about to marry me, she was about to commit her life to me, and she wanted to know I loved her and that I wanted her badly enough to stay with her. She looked at me with a peculiar look and said, “You’re acting so cold and aloof, I’m not sure you really want me!”
That blew me away. Here I was, doing my very best to keep our marriage pure, and she didn’t know I wanted her! There are times when there’s nothing you can say to a woman, there are times when the only way to convince her is with action. I put my arms around her, and kissed her thoroughly, just like romance stories, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.
I didn’t know that kissing could trigger her desires. We hadn’t understood the warning:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
The Greek word translated “touch” carries the meaning of kindling her or arousing her. Having had no instructing in that area, I had crossed God’s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness.
She relaxed for a few seconds, then struggled, then went limp. I finished kissing and looked at her. She was stunned. She was panting lightly; her face was flushed. I picked up her hand and it flopped down to her side, she was limp. My kiss set her off, her hormones were in charge, and she was mine for the taking.
I then did the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. That kiss worked on me, too, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her, but I backed her up until she sat down in a chair, I backed up to another chair, and sat down to get my breath.
After a few minutes, she said, “Wow, you really do want me!” I said, “Yeah, but we better get out of here,” and we got. We were never, ever alone again until after our wedding.
She told me what happened. She said, “I felt a falling sensation, that’s when I struggled, then I was lost. You could’ve done anything you wanted with me, and I couldn’t have done anything about it. I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t struggle, I was yours.”
That’s how date rape happens, a man rubs her or kisses her at the wrong time, and she’s his.
A wife who’s on the pill will never be fertile. Although she can have sex, she generally won’t be nearly as interested as when she’s fertile. Giving herself when she isn’t interested is what “submit” means.
WHY PURITY WAS IMPORTANT
Serving God by belonging to me cost her more than she expected. My wife knew that God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband (Gen. 3:16[183]) and she knew that women are made for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[184]), women must think about those passages. She thought God meant that she’d want to get married. She’d wanted to be a wife and mother all her life; she thought she understood what God had in mind.
Nobody had told her what to expect. She didn’t know that God had worked on her hormones so that she’d really be mine. A few hours after our wedding, she was shocked at how strongly she yearned to belong to me. My taking her to wife had deeply changed her feelings. She’d expected to love me, but she also lost her sense of independence as God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by taking her, that’s part of the cost of having a man in her life. We may think this is something the man does to the woman, but the Hebrew word shows that a wife should choose to humble herself as Jesus humbled Himself:
And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself
, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 4:8
God wants children to have fathers. God made women so that a woman wants to cling to the man who takes her. Humbling herself by clinging to her husband and serving him gladly helps her children have a father, but her feeling of belonging to me gave her an endless feeling of falling through space. This was the most frightening experience of her life. She wanted to run away!
Weddings are a circus, I was worn out; she couldn’t sleep. Her mind wanted her to run and get back her independence, but instead of running, she went in the next room and cried out to God, “Oh, Lord, what have I done, I let this man take me, now I belong to him!”
Then she prayed, “God, I asked you to stop me if he wasn’t right for me, and You didn’t.” She knew God was faithful. All her days, she’d prayed that God would work on her heart to make her the wife He wanted her to be. This feeling of belonging to me didn’t make sense, nobody had told her about it, but such a strong feeling from within her had to be God working on her heart as she’d asked Him to do. She finally prayed, “Lord, You must really want me to belong to him. If that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.” Having chosen to humble herself by belonging to me, she came back to bed.
Being mine was an act of her will. Her mind didn’t see any reason to give up her independence and belong to me but God had answered her prayer and worked on her heart so that she wanted to be mine. As she prayed, she decided that her heart wanted what God wanted and her mind followed where her heart led. Having decided that she would belong to me, she’s always done her best from her heart and from her mind.
Once she humbled herself, she could be a keeper at home. Many women want to keep working because earning money gives them freedom and independence. Having willingly given up her independence, however, the money, recognition, and praise of work had no appeal. Humbling herself made her content to give up her job and take care of our children, her husband, and our home as God desires (1 Tim. 5:14[185]).
The fact that I had earned her trust made her able to give up her job when the time came. A woman who doesn’t trust her husband generally wants to keep her own income stream just in case. Consider this:
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills
. Song of Solomon 2:8
Why is he rushing home? To admire the curtains? To see how neatly she’s stacked her towels? No, he’s rushing home because he’s confident that his wife will welcome his intimate touch. She, on the other hand, is eagerly awaiting his desire to talk to her, tell her everything that happened, how he felt about it, and to hear all about how her day went, in mind-numbing detail. It’s as scary for a man to open his heart to his wife as for her to open her body to him, but that’s what the Bible teaches. God did indeed make them male and female.
THE IMPORTANCE OF TALK
Just before our wedding, she told me she was eager to be married. I was too (Gen. 29:21[186], 1 Cor. 7:9[187]). I thought we were on the same page, but we weren’t even in the same chapter. She went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d talked a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. As she got marriage on the table, as she made me responsible for keeping her pure, she told me that talking to her beyond measure was an important part of our marriage.
I had no idea how vital this was. You must understand that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to talk with her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind. Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her. Opening to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife should belong to each other (Song 2:16[188], 6:3[189]). God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her, and all that talk made me hers. Talk convinced her that I was hers so that she was no longer afraid to belong to me.
KEEPING HER CALM
The hormones which take away independence wear off in a few hours. If her husband makes love to her more often than that, she’ll stay calm and always feel like belonging to him. When he leaves for a while, these feelings fade, independence returns, and she can guide the house more vigorously while he’s gone.
A married woman takes on herself the yoke of pleasing her husband as we take on Christ’s yoke.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
Making sure your wife can trust you helps her find rest in belonging to you. She won’t like flipping back and forth between independence and dependence unless she trusts you deeply.
The wife in the Song gets advice from her mother how to please her husband (Song 8:3[190]); a man should read the Song and follow her husband’s example of appreciating her and Mrs. Lemuel’s advice to teach their children to praise and appreciate her (Pr. 31:28-29[191]). It gives his wife comfort and rest in belonging to him; she’ll rejoice that God made her so desirable to him and that he enjoys her so much. If he doesn’t give her rest, she’ll find his desires an ugly burden. I’ve heard women say, “I’d rather die” than submit.
WOMEN NEED PROTECTION
Years later, my wife explained why waiting until we were married was so important. Her emotional reaction of belonging to me was so frightening that she didn’t think she could have stayed with me if I hadn’t already promised before God and before both our families that I’d be hers until death. If we hadn’t been married at the time, she would have walled off that part of her emotions, and they might never come back.
There is non-Biblical evidence for her fears. The book “Unprotected” by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why sex outside marriage is so damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other problems at one of America’s most prestigious universities, she saw that a woman can become very depressed when she realizes her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex.
Women know that men should protect them for their emotions. If he takes her out of season, she’ll think of him as a cad and a thief even if she wanted it at the time. Having seen that I was strong enough to protect her not only from my passions but also from hers, she decided to trust me. A man wants to have his wife several times per day. This seems like more than a little much to a woman, especially in the first months of marriage when she isn’t sure how well her lubrication works.
When she was nervous, I’d tell her I’d stop if she said, “Ouch!” and I did. Knowing that she could trust me not to hurt her, she was willing to try. Except when she was ill, or hadn’t drunk enough water, or right after giving birth, God made her able to absorb all the passion I can generate so “Ouch” didn’t happen often.
HOW STUPID CAN HUSBANDS BE?
There are few stupider things a man can do that are as stupid as showing his wife that he doesn’t care about hurting her in his passion. A woman has a thousand thousand ways of deflecting her husband’s desires. She’ll evade him and frustrate his desire unless she trusts him to be careful with her.
Being humbled makes her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s as appreciative of her as the husband in the Song of Solomon, she’ll be OK with feeling his love and desire more strongly (Song 7:10[192]), but if she thinks he’s unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel put down any more often than she has to.
God designed women so that your wife multiplies whatever you give her and reflects it back to you. When making babies, you give her one tiny cell. She nourishes your strength within herself and gives you a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of that baby has your DNA (Gen. 5:3[193]). If you give her a boy cell, she gives a boy, if you sow a girl cell, you reap a girl. We reap what we sow; it’s best to sow kindness and forgiveness:
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you
. Ephesians 4:31-32
God gave your wife sensitive emotions so that a she wants you to be pleased with her (1 Cor. 7:34[194]) and so that she can tell whether you’re pleased or not. Her emotions make her a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex your soul to death (Jud. 16:16[195]), multiply your unhappiness, and give all your unhappiness back to you. If you give her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness you give her and fill your house with the light of your joy in her. Men and their sons reap what they sow to the woman guiding the house, very quickly. A man must teach his sons to honor and appreciate their mother. If a meal turns into a kitchen disaster, for example, they must appreciate it, help clean up, and fix it if possible, if only for the sake of the effort she put into it.
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife or a son his mother. Not for burned food, not for broken houseware, not for anything at all. Not ever! We know wives who received so many complaints that they quit cooking and bought prepared food so they could say, “Take it up with the manufacturer.” Wives seek praise. A woman is more likely to stop doing something that’s not praised than if she’s ordered to stop.
Sow love; reap a house of love. The secret of happiness in marriage is for you and your children to convince your wife that they are happy with her and protect her so that she trusts you enough to follow you and enjoy giving herself to you. That makes her happy, and her happiness fills your home with love and light.
The choice is yours; God made her a mirror reflecting back your relationship to her and your feelings toward her. It really is that simple. That’s why you should base your marriage on Only Praise, page 17.
CAN YOU LOVE HER AS CHRIST LOVES YOU?
Now we get to the final and most difficult question for you. Christ expects you to love your wife as He loves you. God knows that women often do things that drive men crazy, but that’s part of the package God gives as a gift, you don’t get to pick and choose which features you want and which you don’t. Neither does she – you, too come as a complete package. That’s why both of you should ask God to choose His best.
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle
, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
The Greek word translated “love” is agapao, which is an act of will, it is not an emotion, it is something you are commanded to do if you marry her. Note also that Christ sanctifies the church and cleanses it to present it “to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing.” Are you prepared to help her develop her gifts and talents to present her to yourself a “glorious wife?” “Without spot or wrinkle or any such thing” means that you must treat her as perfect for you.
Eph. 4:31-32[196] tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:10-12[197], Is. 43:25[198], Heb. 10:17[199]). When God washes away our sins (Heb. 9:14[200], 10:19-22[201]), what’s left is perfect and without condemnation (Rom. 8:1[202], 15:13[203]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees you as perfect, so you must follow God and see your wife as perfect.
Paul wrote that we do the work of spreading the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it. We serve Him because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouses should constrain us to do whatever we can to please him or her. If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we can handle the problems the other person causes. That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness. God forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people in the same way He forgave us.
Are you ready to think about dedicating the rest of your life to nourishing, cherishing, and serving (Mk. 9:35[204], 10:42-45[205]) this woman as Christ expects? If not, it would be dishonest for you to pursue her or marry her.
Chapter 12 – What Should Older Women Teach?
Older women should teach younger women about men because they don’t know:
The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women
to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands
, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
My wife tells a young lady that her husband dreams of having her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan.
A girl who hasn’t even dated knows that she’ll belong to a man who does that. This tends to scare her, but she’ll want him to open his heart to her whenever she wants to talk, which is at least that often. She’ll see it will be OK to belong to him if he belongs to her. If he’s happy with her, seeing his joy in having her makes her happy and she’ll want to keep doing it. The wife in the Song of Solomon agrees (Song 1:2[206], 2:16[207], 6:3[208]).
The Bible explains this man-woman thing. The moment he saw her, Jacob wanted Rachel badly enough to work for Laban for 7 years to earn the right to take her:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her
. Genesis 29:21
A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her. If he can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t already have? Why marry?
A man’s desire for a woman can be strong enough to drive him to commit murder:
And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me
for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. 8And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife. 9And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife; and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her. 10And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien
with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us. Genesis 26:7-10
David murdered Bathsheba’s husband to have her; Isaac thought that the “men of the place” would kill him to have his desirable wife. Abimelech was angry because “one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us.” There would have been no guilt for “lightly have lien” with Rebekah if she wasn’t married. She had no right to her body; raping her would have been no crime. She was married, though, so rape would have been a property crime against her husband.
In the flesh, a man doesn’t see much wrong with sex without marriage even if she isn’t willing. The book “Unprotected” by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why sex outside marriage is so damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other emotional problems at a prestigious university, she wrote that a woman can become very depressed when she realizes her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex. Women associate sex with commitment; men generally don’t.
When a man tells a girl he loves her, he means that he wants her to open her body to him. Men think the birth control pill means a girl plans to have sex. This makes it hard for her to say “No,” so she shouldn’t use it. When a man asks for sex, she can say, “We can’t do that – you’re a stud, you’ll get me pregnant. The pill can cause blood clots and other dangers so I’m not taking it. Abortions are risky and some women get really depressed afterward. No sex unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.”
God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[209], 1 Cor. 11:8-9[210]). Marrying puts on the yoke of pleasing her husband (1 Cor. 7:34[211]). She shouldn’t get involved with a man who isn’t naturally pleased with her.
GOD GAVE MEN STRONG DESIRES ON PURPOSE
Marriage brings great trials. God put powerful desires into men to make them stay with their wives when things get tough. When a man’s attracted to a woman, he’s driven to get physical with her, and his desire increases the more he’s with her. No woman can understand this any more than a man can understand how women feel about babies. Girls must know this and be careful of any man not her husband.
How can a woman tell when a man’s sexually aroused? He’s breathing. Nurses in old-age homes say that when a man is no longer aware of them as women, he’s a few hours from death.
Giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11). Losing independence can be frightening – Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[212]). It wasn’t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn’t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[213]). Why did she cover herself? She knew Isaac had plans and that his plans would have a powerful effect on her. She veiled herself to get a little space.
MEN AND WOMEN ARE MORE DIFFERENT THAN WE IMAGINE
The Bible tells how a man reacts to taking his bride to wife:
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race
. Psalm 19:5
He feels like Superman, he’s ready to leap tall buildings at a single bound! What of her? The hormones produced in her body have bound her to him. This is the man she must please, this is the man who leads her, and she hopes for the best. She probably wasn’t very interested – few women are aroused except when they’re fertile. Her fertile time can be as little as fifteen minutes when his touch can arouse her desire.
Men are always interested so they must learn to control their impulses, urges, and desires.
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Women who haven’t made love may not be interested, so a girl has no experience controlling such powerful urges. Older women may tell girls not to kiss “because it’ll give him ideas.” That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing during her fertile time may give her ideas. It’s very hard to stop when they both want it. The Bible teaches that it’s better for a man not to touch a woman so as to kindle her desires (1 Cor. 7:1-2[214]). The chaperone’s job is to stop the couple when they can’t stop themselves.
A wife has many needs she expects her husband to supply. Telling a young woman about a man’s physical desires and discussing what my wife told me about herself on page 69 will help. The better she understands her needs, the better she can explain, and the more confident she can make him that he can make her happy.
A grandmother read one of our articles on how to be a husband. “Must I read what you said about being a wife?” she asked. She had married daughters. I knew she knew what men want, so I said “No.”
“Let me put it this way,” she said. “If my husband treated me that way, I would not only be willing to give him what he wants, I would not only be glad to do what he wants, I would be honored to do that for him.” Giving herself to a man makes a woman more sensitive to his true feelings about her. If he really appreciates her, feeling his joy in her more strongly makes her happy. If she believes he’s upset or critical, she won’t want to feel his negative views more strongly and will evade his desires whenever she can.
Women are so different from men that God warns men to love their wives instead of being bitter (Col. 3:19[215]). Men can irritate women, often without knowing why. The Bible shows how to handle that:
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace
in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? Ruth 2:10
If you scream when your husband upsets you, he won’t want to listen to what you say. When Boaz told Ruth he’d told other men to leave her alone, she asked him why! Instead of ignoring her, he opened his heart to her. Ask your husband gently why he did what irritated you. He may have a good reason, or he may not have known it would bother you. There’s more detail in Handling Conflict in Marriage on page 41.
WHAT A MOTHER-IN-LAW TAUGHT
The Book of Ruth shows how Naomi instructed Ruth, her daughter-in-law, how to get married. Ruth was a widow who knew about men so Naomi didn’t have to explain a man’s physical drive. A woman should know about a man’s basic drive and then study How Ruth Found Rest in the Home of her Husband on page 125.
Here’s a summary of Ruth’s Rules for Getting Married:
1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than to have a husband without God. 2) Realize that you’re made for him and he’s not made for you. You’re the tail on his kite, so you’d better be sure his kite has a string. If he has a string, you and he can soar together, but if he has no string, you’ll bump along the ground and get all muddy. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you so you can find rest in cleaning up after him and enjoy belonging to him. 4) Be hard to get, don’t give a man rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice from an older woman no matter how old you are. 6) The time of courtship is when you find out if he trusts you enough accept your help and to open his heart. Make sure he listens to you by opening his heart to you and that he values you enough to meet your need to talk all your days.
WHAT A MOTHER TAUGHT
The Song of Songs was written 3,000 years ago to show how husbands and wives should treat each other. It was passed down by hand-copying over centuries because it captures the rules for a happy marriage.
1) It starts with the wife praising her husband (Song 1:2[216]). Men don’t seem to understand women very well; maybe having a wife praise her husband teaches him how to praise her? Feeling appreciated by his wife makes a man more inclined to take care of her and to appreciate her.
2) The wife recognizes, appreciates, and encourages her husband’s desire for her (Song 7:10[217]).
Her mother tells her how to keep her husband’s desire focused on her (Song 8:2-3[218]) to keep him from noticing other women (Song 6:8-9[219]). She has more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off every bit of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him out of the house loaded, he’ll be tempted by other women. Women are often amazed at how often men want this.
Giving herself whenever he wants her proves that she belongs to him. Men are possessive. Knowing she belongs to him helps him want to take care of her. Giving herself is humbling (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Ezekiel 22:10-11). She won’t want to do it unless she knows that he belongs to her and values her.
Caring for a wife properly is a lot of work, but there is no joy this side of Heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to him, but he must first convince her that he likes belonging to her.
A man can’t praise his wife in such detail without paying attention to her and opening his heart to her when she wants to talk. Marriages are based on communication; women communicate heart-to-heart, men communicate belly-to-belly. How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and looked for ways to give thanks instead? That’s the essence of the Song.
WHAT SHOULD HER HUSBAND KNOW ABOUT HER?
80-90% of how a marriage works out lies in how the husband acts toward his wife, but a high percentage of how he treats her is based on how she behaves before they marry. As a girl becomes a woman, how she chooses to relate to the opposite sex has great influence on her happiness. It’s important to get it right.
When a girl gets together with a boy, she can be his Toy, Treasure, Trophy, or Trash. God created women to be treasures but our society teaches girls to be toys. They dress in marketing mode. They’re taught to undulate around sending the message “Come play with me” and boys are happy to do that.
Ever watch a boy play with a toy truck? He pushes it this way and that until he’s tired of it. Then he discards it and grabs another toy. Being discarded is hard on women. Any boy can play with her but it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or Treasure, play or stay summarizes the issue for a woman. It doesn’t take many times being discarded before her heart is so scarred that she’s little more than trash in a man’s eye.
Being a trophy isn’t much better. When he tires of showing her off, he’ll discard her find a newer, flashier model. Being discarded harms women badly – after it happens too often, they feel like Trash.
A man knows that a woman can give him a taste of the joys of Heaven but few realize that she can make him no happier than he makes her. A man who isn’t sure he can make her happy holds back his emotions so he won’t be hurt. Few women have the words to explain their needs to men. If a woman wants to be treated better than a toy, she has to say so up front and show him that he will be able to make her happy. The goal of this section is to give a woman the words to explain herself so that a man can be confident he’ll make her happy and so that he will see that making her happy will make him very happy indeed.
My wife asked God to choose her husband. God had to teach me how to care for her before He could give her to me, so the Holy Spirit led her to tell me about her. This made me want to marry her because I knew how to care for her. This became the foundation for our very happy marriage. We wrote it down on page 69. Her ideas will help a woman make a man confident he can make her happy. He’ll feel safe opening his heart to her and show him that making her happy will make him very happy. The section Biblical principles her relatives should discuss with a young man who’s pursuing her on page 115 explains the value God puts on a wife. She must understand her value and insist that any man pursuing believe that she’s beyond price.
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven that compares with having a woman like belonging to him, but he has to convince her that he likes belonging to her and caring for her for that to work.
SOUND BITE MARRIAGE
The Internet generation has limited attention span. Everything must be short:
· Accepting salvation is two words: “only believe (Ro. 10:9[220]).”
· Sexual morality, that is, when a man and woman may come together physically, is 50% more complicated than salvation, it’s 3 words, “Only in marriage (1 Cor. 7:1-2[221]).”
· Entering Holy Matrimony is three words, “vowing, paying, taking” (Gen. 24:67[222], Ru. 4:13a[223]).” These men made public marriage vows before taking the women. Isaac supplied the tent and Boaz had wealth.
· Staying married is two words, “only praise (p 17).” Nowhere in Scripture does a man criticize his wife. The Song shows a couple praising every little detail. We must rule our tongues (Pr. 25:28[224], Jas. 1:26[225]).
· Marriage is built on “seed and speech (1 Cor. 7:3-4[226], 1 Pe. 3:7[227]).” A husband plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God doesn’t often give him that much strength, but that’s his plan (Ge.29:21[228]). She wants him to open his heart to her at least that often. He puts himself into her body. She puts herself, that is, her words, her thoughts, her feelings, her nature, into his heart.
He leaves his seed in her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby. She leaves her essence, her being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about her, how he treats her, and how they relate to others (1 Pe. 3:7[229]). People know whether a couple belongs to each other by watching them or hearing them.
She wants to hear him thanking God for creating marriage and for giving her to him. He should tell her she’s important to him and that he’s becoming more and more involved with her.
He wants her to say, “That was wonderful, I like belonging to you. Let’s do that again as soon as you can.” This encourages him to stay awake and talk to her for a while.
She wants him to say how much hearing her ideas and thoughts helps him make better decisions. She should point out that they could it more often if he was in better shape. Giving him a motive for exercise helps him live longer and shortens her time of being a widow.
He wants her to encourage him to have her when he hasn’t asked; she wants him to seek out her knowledge, ideas, thoughts, and feelings when she hasn’t suggested that they talk.
There’s a saying, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.” He can’t come to love her soul without being willing to spend many, many hours in open-hearted talk with her.
A couple is “one flesh” as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam’s body (Mk. 10:8[230]).
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God
, as dear children; Ephesians 4:32-5:1
Jesus expects us to follow after God. When God looks on your spouse, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whose blood washes away all sins (Ps. 103:12[231], I Cor. 6:11[232]). To follow God, you must look on your spouse and think of a reflection of the perfection and purity of Christ.
See your spouse as perfect (page 63), thank God for a perfect spouse, and speak of your spouse as perfect.
LET US REASON TOGETHER, SAITH THE LORD – ISAIAH 1:18
God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[233]); men are not made for women (I Cor. 11:8-9[234], Pr. 18:22[235]). Jesus taught that a wife is a gift from God and the bride’s parents to the groom (Lk. 17:27[236], 20:34[237]). The story of the talents (Mt. 25:14-30) teaches that God holds a man accountable for using every gift God gives to glorify Him including all the gifts God gave his wife. Once he marries, her groom is as accountable to God for developing and using her gifts as he is accountable for developing and using his own.
Pr. 31:1[238] shows that Chapter 31 was written to men and that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his future wife. Working mothers don’t have time to do that so few men have learned how to bless a wife. A girl has to be ready to explain her needs and the Biblical principles for helping a man make her happy enough to receive the joy God intended for both parties when He instituted marriage.
After all, a wife can make her husband no happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[239]). The happier he makes her, the happier he will be. She must tell him that she plans to be a treasure for her husband and that she expects him to treat her as a potential lifelong treasure before the first date.
Chapter 13 – Sunday Morning – Christians Must Forgive
How many of you have heard of Ingrid Betancourt? The Colombian military rescued her from the FARC drug dealers on July 2, 2008. She’d been captive for six years; her scars from being chained to trees give evidence of cruel treatment. She knows that every human has an animal inside. “In any situation like the ones I experienced, perhaps any of us could do those kinds of cruel things. For me it was like understanding what I couldn’t understand before, how for example the Nazis, how (things like that) could have happened.”
The Tribune described her treatment by FARC:
“It was not treatment that you can give to a living being,” … She added: “I wouldn’t have given the treatment I had to an animal, perhaps not even to a plant.”
The New York Times reported that she had been tortured and quoted her as saying that her captors had fallen into “diabolical behavior,” adding, “It was so monstrous I think they themselves were disgusted.”
A couple of months after she was kidnapped, she was given her meal wrapped in a newspaper. This was the first reading matter she’d seen since being snatched; she absorbed it eagerly. It was the account of her father’s funeral, brought especially to her for her reading pleasure.
Mrs. Betancourt has looked in the face of evil. A gang of drug dealers tortured a helpless captive for years. They were disgusted by what they did, yet they did it for six years. There was no profit in torturing her, she knew nothing they needed to know; she was a hostage, a tool to get leverage against the outside world.
The people of FARC define evil. They did evil, they were disgusted by their evil, they knew it was evil, they gained nothing from their evil; they did evil for the sake of doing evil. If they were like the Nazis, they played games among themselves, trying to think of newer, more exotic ways to outdo each other in how evil they could be. She says that what they did to her gave her an understanding of what the Nazis did to their helpless victims; looking daily in the face of evil explained the lamp shades the Nazis made from human skin.
Everyone wants to know what happened to her but she isn’t ready to say. Newsweek quotes her:
I know that I have to testify to all that I lived. I know it is something that has to be done, but I need time. It is not easy to talk about things that still hurt. It will probably hurt all my life. I want to forgive, but forgiveness comes with forgetting. I have to forget in order to find peace in my soul and be able to forgive. But at the same time, once I have forgiven and forgotten, I will have to bring back memories [to tell others]. They will probably be filtered by time so they won’t come with all the pain that I feel right now.
Mrs. Betancourt understands that she must forgive her torturers to find peace in her own soul.
FORGIVENESS IS NOT AN OPTION
When something really bad happens, how often have we heard, “Just let go of it and move on.”? Wounded people have to move on, of course, but “just let go” is far too simplistic to be of help. Mrs. Betancourt knows it’s not just “let go and move on,” it’s “forgive, then you can let go and move on.” The Bible teaches that you can’t move on until you let go and you can’t let go until you forgive through the grace of God.
Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; [not forgive] lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled
; Hebrews 12:15
Mrs. Betancourt has it right – being bitter will defile her soul. She must forgive those who tortured her with such calculated cruelty. Forgiving is the only path to finding peace in her soul. She’s been treated so badly that if she keeps her bitterness inside her, bitterness will defile her and destroy her.
I have many friends who’ve been treated badly, but I don’t know of anyone who’s been treated as badly as Mrs. Betancourt except possibly Sen. McCain. As Sen. McCain went to Vietnam, visited his former prison, and forgave those who tortured him, Mrs. Betancourt knows that she must forgive if only to find peace in her own soul. Her captors may never know of her forgiveness; they may not care if they ever hear of it, but granting forgiveness is essential for her to move on. Forgiveness is for her, not for them. Forgiveness is for you.
GAZING IN THE FACE OF EVIL
What happened to her was so traumatic that she’ll have to forget temporarily to gain enough strength to forgive. Once she forgives, however, she plans to remember so she can tell others. Her experience led her to “understanding what I couldn’t understand before.” Having been unable to understand evil before being kidnapped and tortured, she realizes that ordinary citizens can’t understand why we must fight the forces of evil. She wants to help naive people understand that evil is real in the hearts and lives and minds of men.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9
Mrs. Betancourt gazed every day, every hour, in the face of evil, eyeball to eyeball, for six long years. She knows that the heart is deceitful above all things. She understands that, “perhaps any of us could do those kinds of cruel things.” She knows that all men have sinned (Ro. 3:23[240]). She plans to remember all her pain and tell us about it. She wants us to know what evil is like. Maybe we’ll understand why we must fight the forces of evil which are loose in our world. I hope she can convey her message before it’s too late.
There is evil in the world. People will wrong us, but we must forgive. We must forgive for two reasons:
First, Mrs. Betancourt recognizes that she must forgive for the sake of her own soul. If you don’t forgive, bitterness springs up and troubles you and defiles you. We all know that, we’ve all been bitter at one time or another; we know the harm bitterness does to our sense of peace. We must forgive if only for our own sake.
The second reason to forgive is that God commands us to forgive and promises us the power to forgive.
THE POWER OF GOD TO FORGIVE
The newspapers say Mrs. Betancourt is Catholic; the only possession she could bring out of her captivity was a rosary she’d made from leaves and thread. She said that her prayers to God kept her alive. I can believe that, but I wonder whether she plans to forgive her torturers in her own strength or whether she’ll lean on the power of God to forgive. I suspect she’s trying to do it in her own strength. She said, “I have to forget in order to find peace in my soul and be able to forgive.” She says she can’t forgive unless she forgets first.
That’s not what the Bible teaches.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you
. Ephesians 4:31-32
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye
. Colossians 3:13
The Bible says twice we must forgive as Jesus forgave. Did Jesus have to forget our sins in order to forgive them? No, He said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” (Lk. 23:34a[241]). He knew their sin and He forgave them anyway. Mothers forgive children without forgetting what their kids did; Jesus doesn’t have to forget what we do in order to forgive us. We needn’t forget to forgive; we need His help to forgive.
We can’t forgive in our own strength; forgiveness requires the grace of God. Ever hear of Corrie Ten Boom? The book, “The Hiding place,” tells how her family hid Jews during WW II. This was against the law; the Nazis’ laws said Jews had to be turned in. She and her family were criminals in the eyes of the law.
Toward the end of the war, the Nazis caught them and took them to concentration camps. Every one of her family except Corrie died in the camps. She and her sister were imprisoned together. Her sister became ill. She knew her sister would get well if she got better food and was kept warm for a few days. She begged the guards to help her just a little so her sister would live. They mocked her sorrow; her sister died.
It’s one thing to lose a loved one when doctors do all they can. It’s something else to be in prison and hear, “We could cure her; we’ll let her die.” Could you forgive men who mocked your tears as they let your child die? Not in your own strength, you couldn’t. How do I know? Corrie couldn’t in her own strength. After months of travel in Europe and America preaching forgiveness, she visited Germany. This is her testimony:
It was a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck [the prison]. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there-the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s [her sister] pain-blanched face.
She’d put memory aside, but “suddenly it was all there,” she couldn’t forget. Neither can Mrs. Betancourt.
He came up as the church was emptying, beaming, and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,” he said, “to think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!”
His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Blomendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.
Had she forgiven the men who murdered her sister and the rest of her family? No. She was saved, God had forgiven her sins, but she couldn’t forgive, she couldn’t shake his hand, not in her strength alone.
Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? “Lord Jesus,” I prayed, “forgive me and help me to forgive him.”
I tried to smile; I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again, I breathed a silent prayer, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.”
As I took his hand, the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger which almost overwhelmed me.
And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.
Corrie couldn’t forgive the man in her own strength any more than she could save herself in her own strength, but she could forgive him through “Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13). Note, please, God did not answer her first prayer to forgive the man, she had to ask again to show she meant it.
SHOWING CHRIST THROUGH FORGIVENESS
That’s the third reason we must forgive–we show Christ in our forgiveness. The SS man knew he’d done terrible evil, yet he felt the forgiveness of Christ as Corrie told him the gospel. What if she hadn’t shaken his hand? What if he saw she hadn’t forgiven him? Would he have decided that her message of the gospel was a lie, rejected Christ, and gone to Hell? But she forgave him through the power of Christ! He was saved!
He tested her. He saw her hesitation; he saw the horror and fear on her face, he knew she felt the pain of his sins against her as Jesus felt the pain of our sins against Him. When she asked Jesus to give her His forgiveness to pass to the Nazi, Corrie was filled with love and became a new creature before his eyes. The Nazi saw her forgiveness and felt Jesus’ love flow through her to him. He believed! We show Christ in our forgiveness, we show Satan in our bitterness, it’s one or the other. Do you show God or do you show Satan?
God’s love took away her fear of this man who’d hurt her. Even if Mrs. Betancourt forgives, what if she met one of the men who tortured her on the street? She’d be terrified. The Bible gives the cure for fear:
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:8 *
God’s love not only helped Corrie forgive, God’s love for the Nazi took way her fear and became a stream of living water, pouring out God’s grace, and love, and mercy, and forgiveness to this man through her.
Corrie ten Boom looked in the face of evil, saw evil kill her beloved sister and the rest of her family, and was released through a clerical error when ninety-six thousand other women died. She went all over Europe bearing witness to the goodness and mercy of Christ. In spite of preaching forgiveness, she could not forgive in her own strength. Through Christ she forgave the man who murdered her sister without having to forget!
I know she needed God’s grace to forgive because I’ve had trouble forgiving. Over 65 years of work, 5 men have cheated me for a lot of money. My wife had trouble forgiving the first, but she forgave them all. I’d forgiven 4 out of 5; I’d had trouble forgiving the 5th. I’d asked God’s help in forgiving, but as I wrote this, I realized I hadn’t humbled myself to ask the Lord to channel His forgiveness through me. Only in Christ can we be truly forgiven, only in Christ could I truly forgive. God brought him back into my life 36 hours later.
I don’t have enough grace of myself to forgive people who wrong me any more than Corrie ten Boom had enough grace to forgive the Nazi of herself. God has enough grace for all of us, and He tells us how to get it:
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need
. Hebrews 4:16 *
We needn’t beg, we don’t have to be timid, we’re to come boldly to God’s throne of grace and get all we need. We get grace for our sins and grace to help us forgive others. God promises to answer when we pray “according to his will.” He commands us to forgive; it’s His will that we forgive. If we boldly pray for grace to forgive, He’ll give us the grace to forgive, and we’ll get extra mercy for ourselves while we’re at His throne.
My heart goes out to Mrs. Bentacourt. She knows she must forgive to purify her soul of the evil poured out upon her, but she thinks she can do it in her own strength. I pray that she calls on God for His strength.
FORGIVENESS DETERMINES OUR JUDGMENT
There’s one more reason to forgive-the way we forgive others affects our joy in our own forgiveness.
Judge not that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Matthew 7:1-2 *
If I won’t forgive, I’ll doubt God’s forgiveness. The more I pass on His mercy and His grace to others, the more His mercy and grace fill me and the more I can believe I have God’s mercy and His grace. If I don’t forgive, who measures my unforgiveness to me? Not God! He forgave me. I do, it’s my own unforgiveness that comes right back on me. If I’m angry, it’s hard to believe that God isn’t angry with me. My own anger, my own bitterness is measured back on to me. I measure my own judgment back onto my own self!
God wants harmony in His church and in His marriages and among His people. God knows we can’t follow His command to forgive without Him, Corrie ten Boom couldn’t, I can’t, you can’t, but He will help. Jesus promised to save anyone who called on Him. He also promised that God would answer certain prayers.
And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will
, he heareth us: and if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him. I John 5:14-15
Corrie prayed, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.” That’s like the sinner’s prayer, “Jesus, I cannot save myself, I cannot forgive myself. Give me Your forgiveness.” Many Christians doubt their salvation. Why? When you’re saved, you feel God’s forgiveness fill you, but you forget. How do you renew the joy in your forgiveness? By channeling God’s forgiveness to others. If you won’t forgive, if you don’t let God’s forgiveness and His mercy flow through you to other people, you’ll forget and you’ll doubt.
With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright; with the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward
. Psalm 18:25-26
When the Bible speaks of God shewing Himself, it speaks of how God seems to you. God is a God of love, mercy, and justice, but He won’t always seem that way. If we’re merciful, that is, if we forgive other people, God seems merciful to us and we’ll feel forgiven. What if we’re forward? “Froward” means “turning from, or turning way from, perverse, unyielding.” If we’re froward, God seems to be perverse, He seems to be turning away from us and we won’t feel His love. If we want to see and feel God’s forgiveness for us and His love for us, we must give God’s forgiveness and God’s love to others. Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you (Jass 4:8a[242]). You make the first move. You determine how near God seems to you. If you want to feel forgiven, you must forgive! Mrs. Betancourt knows she must forgive to purify her soul.
FORGIVENESS SHOWS SALVATION
Some Christians tell me they know God would help them forgive, but they won’t ask because they don’t want to forgive. Do these people have Christ at all? God says we’ll be forgiven as we forgive others (Mt 6:12[243]).
The guard heard Corrie’s story of evil done in his prison. Knowing she’d recognize him, he tested her. She couldn’t forgive by herself; she humbled herself and admitted she couldn’t do it. She asked God’s help to do as God commands. Her actions proved her faith as taught in the Book of James; God gave her the power to forgive; the guard felt her forgiveness. Would he have believed her testimony without her forgiveness? When a Christian says he won’t ask God to help him forgive, can I believe what he says about his salvation?
If you don’t want to forgive someone, are you sure you’re saved? God sets His people apart unto God; that makes us holy. Holiness includes grace and mercy as well as being set apart. If you don’t have the grace and mercy of holiness, you may not be holy, you may not be set apart; you may not be saved. Saved people have the desire to use God’s grace to bless others as Corrie blessed the Nazi who had harmed her so terribly.
If you aren’t holy, if you don’t have God’s grace within you, shouldn’t you ask for it? God promises:
He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water
. John 7:38
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God
. I Peter 4:10
Corrie was a good steward of the grace of God–she asked God for grace to help when she needed to forgive the man who’d wronged her; living water flowed through her to him. We’re to channel God’s forgiveness to those God allows to hurt us. God saved Corrie’s life through a “clerical error” to channel His forgiveness. I don’t know why God allowed Mrs. Betancourt to suffer such a trial, but her story is all over the world. Pray that she might receive the grace of God and pass it on!
RECEIVING FORGIVENESS
We must know our own need for forgiveness before we can be forgiven. Then, we ask for God’s forgiving grace so we can channel God’s forgiveness to whoever harmed us. Corrie ten Boom recognized her sin in not forgiving the Nazi. She asked God to forgive her and to help her forgive him at the same time; she couldn’t forgive him in her own strength. He recognized his sin; that’s why God could forgive him.
If Mrs. Betancourt calls on the Lord to help her forgive her torturers, God promises that she will be able to forgive, but what about them? Let’s assume she’s able to forgive her torturers with God’s help as Corrie, with God’s help, forgave those who tormented her. What then?
Her FARC kidnappers may not think they’ve done anything to forgive. As bitterness of not forgiving defiles many, pride of not admitting sin defiles many. Remember Jesus’ story of the two men who prayed:
Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. Luke 18:10-12
The Pharisee’s heart had no room for seeing that he had done wrong. Suppose he hurt someone who then tried to forgive him. Could he accept forgiveness? No, he was too full of his own righteousness to need forgiveness. Forgiveness was for sinners like the publican, not for exalted beings like him! We must know our need for forgiveness to give forgiveness; we must know our need for forgiveness to receive forgiveness.
The Nazi who harmed Corrie said, “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein, to think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” Could the man have said that without knowing the evil he’d done? Of course not. It takes the same humility to accept forgiveness as it takes to give forgiveness. Forgiveness comes only from God through the grace of God; we’re channels God uses to pass our forgiveness to others along with His. When the man saw Corrie’s forgiveness, he could accept God’s forgiveness and be saved.
Corrie’s experience with the Nazi shows that God can touch the heart of anyone, no matter how evil. Mrs. Betancourt’s forgiveness will heal her, but it won’t help her kidnappers unless they humble themselves and accept forgiveness. God offers them forgiveness too, of course. God’s forgiveness won’t help them unless they accept it; Mrs. Betancourt’s forgiveness won’t do them any good unless they accept it. Given the nature of evil, they’ll have to accept God’s forgiveness in salvation before they can accept her forgiveness.
Given the nature of men and women, we must forgive and accept forgiveness in our marriages.
FORGIVENESS IN MARRIAGE
Of all the people you know, your spouse is the most likely to hurt you. Men and women are so different that they get on each other’s nerves. The principles of giving and receiving forgiveness are the same in marriage as in church, but I know many, many couples who won’t forgive each other. It’s usually due to pride–like the Publican, one or the other or most often both won’t admit that they could possibly have done hurt. Without an awareness of causing hurt, it’s impossible to ask for or to receive forgiveness. Without the forgiveness of God’s grace to cover hurts, marriage sinks into a sea of pain.
God planned that married people wouldn’t be lonely, but I know many married people who are desperately lonely. Marriage starts with “I do,” your marriage won’t work unless you say “I do” and mean it, but marriage runs on “I’m sorry.” If you can’t humble yourself to say “I’m sorry” from your heart, if you can’t die to yourself to receive and give forgiveness, if you can’t talk as long as it takes to understand the hurt and fix it, how can you become “one flesh” as God commands (Mt. 19:5-6[244], Mk. 10:8[245])?
When we’re hurt, or angry, or offended, we tend to define “sin” as whatever we didn’t like. Suppose a wife gets angry and her husband asks her forgiveness. She may not want to forgive him unless he sees what he did in the way she sees it; she won’t forgive unless he becomes like her. I’ve seen men do this, too.
I can’t insist that my wife see everything my way as a condition of receiving my forgiveness. People differ in personality, gender, habits, culture, and priorities; misunderstandings can lead to demanding an apology or offering forgiveness when the other person has no clue what’s wrong. It may take hours or days of talk to understand the hurt, but if you leave hurt alone, bitterness will defile your marriage over time.
God defines sin, not you or me. God doesn’t have big sins and little sins. Sin is any violation of God’s laws that we find in His book. We sin if we don’t do what God commands or if we do what God forbids. What we think is sin might be a difference of opinion. It’s vital to really talk about what’s going on. When my wife or I hurt each other, it’s usually because we didn’t understand what was being said. Much of the time, a hurt may not be sin at all, but it’s vital to forgive and forget the hurt. Forgiving is commanded, not forgiving is sin.
For all the married people I know who’ve suffered physical, mental, or emotional abuse; for all the married people I know who’ve been betrayed through adultery or other infidelities, I don’t know any who’ve suffered as much as either Mrs. Betancourt or Corrie ten Boom. Mrs. Betancourt may or may not be able to forgive, but she realizes that she has to try for her own soul’s sake; Corrie forgave through the power of God.
God promises to forgive anyone who asks. God promises to help anyone do as He commands. God commands us to forgive as He forgives; it’s not a suggestion. If we’re Christians, if we’re God’s people, we had to humble ourselves to ask His forgiveness in the first place. If we can do that, why can’t we humble ourselves to ask His help in forgiving others? Why can’t we humble ourselves enough to try to understand, to ask forgiveness, and to receive forgiveness? Are we so proud? Or are we just too busy with the cares of this world to care enough about obeying God to seek the peace of God through giving forgiveness?
CONCLUSION
Forgiveness is not an option; it’s a command of God. If you don’t forgive, bitterness defiles you. Bitterness makes it hard for you to feel God’s love. If you can’t feel God’s love, Satan makes you feel fear. As with all God’s commands, forgiving is very hard. As with all God’s commands, forgiveness is so hard that neither you nor I can forgive in our own strength, we have to ask God to forgive through us. As Corrie felt the joy of God’s love flowing through her, there are great rewards in obeying God’s command to forgive.
Any wife knows that living with a man requires a double measure of forgiveness. My wife forgives me more often than I know. As she forgives me, it reminds us both that God forgives us. Forgiving is so much harder for men that God gave a special command to men to love their wives and forgive their wives:
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
Forgiving each other reminds us that God forgives us, but there’s more to God’s grace in marriage.
Let me illustrate the joys of obeying God’s simple, but oh, so difficult, commands. On our wedding night, Roberta opened herself to me; I took her to wife with joy and gladness. She was filled with fear; her heart knew God wanted her to be mine; her head wanted to stay independent. She couldn’t belong to me in her own strength. She prayed; God gave her the strength. She’s been mine since Aug. 21, 1971, and God has honored her obedience. Belonging to me gives her confidence that she belongs to God, but what of me?
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church
, and gave himself for it; Eph. 5:24
Can I love Roberta with the love of Christ in my own strength? Of course not, but I asked Jesus’ help; He channeled His love through me to Roberta. This isn’t John 3:16 which says God loves the world, it says “as Christ also loved the church.” This is Jesus’ love for His very own people, for His very own church.
Wives know men are possessive; what about Jesus? Is Jesus possessive of His Own? John 10:28 says, “neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” Ponder this. Jesus gave Himself for the church. He leads us, He nourishes us, He cherishes us, but what about the lost? What about those who aren’t His?
He loves them, He longs for them, He has compassion for them, but He can’t nourish them as He nourishes His own. There are people in the church whom Christ can’t love fully because they walk their own way, they won’t ask Him for leadership or guidance. They walk in the flesh, not the spirit. They don’t act like they’re His.
Woman, how can your husband nourish and cherish you if you aren’t his? Through God’s grace, he can in part, but not fully. Roberta made it easier for me to give my life for her by belonging to me. Through God’s grace, I’ve given my life to nourishing her; I belong to her as she belongs to me. People know when husband and wife belong to each other; a couple can’t be one flesh without belonging to each other. Couples who walk in the flesh instead of belonging to each other give little if any light to a lost and dying world.
Men, think about this. Lost folks sing, “Stand by your man;” how can your wife stand by you if you aren’t hers? God wants married people to belong to each other and become one flesh in Him (Mt. 19:5-6[246]).
The Bible teaches that women are made for men; Roberta felt a very strong surge of wanting to belong to me after I took her to wife. I know many women who belong to men who won’t belong to them. When a man won’t belong to his wife, it’s nearly impossible for him to believe that she belongs to him; he usually tries to rule her by crushing her. The woman dies inside; you can see death in her eyes.
My wife didn’t tell me her fears for 10 years after becoming mine, but she talked about her decision the next day. She said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me that talking to me would be important to her, so we talked. “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Whoa. I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it. The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. God wants me to lead you and take care of you. If I’m to lead you as God wants me to, I’ll have to serve you (Mk. 9:35[247], 10:42-45[248]). You said it well–I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
She had read that women are made for men but she hadn’t expected her heart to want her to lose her independence and belong to me. Being mine was humbling and scary, but she was saved, she knew that she belonged to God and trusted God to take care of her. She chose to humble herself and let God give her to me.
I knew I loved her but I hadn’t realized how much God wanted me to serve her nor did I know that God wanted me to become hers by opening my heart to her. I was saved, I trusted God with my life, it was OK with me for God to tell me to humble myself by belonging to the woman He gave to be my wife. Serving God in the past made it easier for us to humble ourselves, belong to each other, and become “one flesh.” A wife wants her husband to be hers as much as he wants her to be his, but most married people keep their independence and won’t become one. Obeying God by belonging to each other is humbling but it has brought us great joy.
John 10:29 says, “My Father, which gave them me.” Christians are God’s gift to Jesus as a husband is God’s gift to his wife and a wife is God’s gift to her husband. It’s mutual belonging; the Song of Solomon says twice that the husband belongs to his wife and that she belongs to him. Lost people speak of “my husband” and “my wife.” Everybody knows a man should belong to his wife and that she should belong to him.
My wife also belongs to Jesus. She knows that Jesus’ love is not oppressive or demanding, Jesus’ love is for her good. Watching how Jesus nourishes her and cherishes her as God’s gift to Him teaches her how to nourish me and cherish me as God’s gift to her; she cherishes me for my good. God gave women a desire to take care of their husbands, but your wife can’t care for you fully unless you belong to her.
I belong to Jesus. I see Jesus take care of me; I see how He takes care of me for my good. When Roberta became mine, I knew I had to care for her for her good, not for my good. We knew how we should care for each other from watching Jesus care for us, but neither of us can nourish the other fully without His help.
A woman can belong to a man for a while even if he isn’t hers, but unless he belongs to her, he won’t realize that she’s his. It’s difficult for a woman to continue to belong to a man who refuses to belong to her. Some may think I’m less of a man because I belong to a woman, but consider this. I’m hers, so my happiness belongs to Roberta; making me happy makes her happy. Giving herself to me gladly makes me very happy. She gives herself, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (II Co. 9:7[249]). Belonging to a wife who’s glad to give herself to me makes me more of a man; seeing my joy in her makes her happy.
God expects me to give my life for her. I earn so much an hour; when she spends that much, she’s spent one hour of my life. I give my life, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (II Co. 9:7). Roberta is mine; her happiness belongs to me. Spending money on our house or children makes her happy; her happiness makes me far happier than spending money on me. Your joy lies in making your spouse happy.
You don’t marry to get, you marry to give; it’s just like the Christian walk. We come to church to edify, to build up, to encourage, to minister, we don’t come to church just to get. Coming to church blesses us just as God meant marriage to bless us, of course, but blessing comes more from giving than from getting.
How can you die to yourself and be saved without His help? You can’t. You can’t save yourself without His strength, you have to ask. Can a man and a woman die to themselves and belong to each other in their own strength? You can’t. Roberta couldn’t, she had to ask God’s help, I couldn’t, I had to ask God’s help. But as we ask God to help us belong to each other, God continually reminds us both that we belong to Him. For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again (Mt. 7:2[250]); we reap what we sow. As my wife and I sow forgiveness to each other, God reminds us that He forgives us both. As we nourish and cherish each other, God reminds us that He cherishes and nourishes both of us because we both belong to Him.
ALTAR CALL
It’s time to obey God; I speak to the saved, I speak to God’s people. If you’ve never felt the forgiveness and love of God, you probably aren’t saved; you need to see someone and learn how to be saved. You can’t give what you haven’t got; you can’t pass on God’s forgiveness unless you first have it yourself.
We then, as workers together with him, beseech you also that ye receive not the grace of God in vain. (For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now
is the day of salvation.) II Corinthians 6:1-2
Paul reminded the Corinthians that as we work to build the church, we work together with God, we’re God’s co-workers. He then begged them not to receive God’s grace in vain. If you let God’s grace just sit in you, it’s in vain; you have to pass God’s grace on by forgiving other people. Verse 2 reminds us that God helped us by giving us His grace in our day of salvation; He will help us by giving us His grace in our day of forgiveness, sorrow, trial, or any other need.
I speak to God’s People who haven’t forgiven. Now is the time to forgive. You can’t do it by yourself, I couldn’t, but God can forgive anyone who wronged or offended you as God forgave you. If you channel God’s forgiveness to someone else, you’ll remember how God saved you; if not, bitterness and fear consume you.
If you won’t do it for your own sake, if you won’t forgive to restore the joy in your own salvation, what about your children? You want your children to accept God’s salvation. Accepting God’s offer means believing God forgives them. How can your children believe God forgives them if you won’t forgive?
If you’ve said anything bitter against the pastor, or me, or anyone in the church, your children know you won’t forgive. When God draws your child, Satan whispers, “God won’t forgive you-your parents don’t forgive. What makes you think God would forgive you?” Here’s another of God’s commands:
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you
. Ephesians 4:31-32
Husbands, wives, what if there’s adultery, fornication, or anger in your lives? What if you won’t forgive? Your children know. Your children may not know how you’ve hurt each other, but they know if you won’t forgive. Your children know whether you belong to each other. Wife, if you won’t forgive your husband enough to call him “lord,” how can your children call God “Lord?”
Husband, if you’re bitter against your wife, if you won’t forgive her, if you won’t honor, praise, or appreciate her, you’ll teach your sons to treat women as toys and you’ll teach your daughters to let men play with them instead of treating them as treasures. If either of you use your tongue as an evil-speaking sword against the other, you’ll likely drive each other to the sins of the flesh, be it adultery in men and gossip and slander in women. Your children will learn to use their tongues as swords; your house will be filled with conflict, and your children will learn to find pleasure in speaking evil one to another.
Let’s stand, we’ll beg for strength to forgive one another. I know it’s hard. If you have to come to the altar to ask God’s help, come, but remember the command, “As Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” Remember, too, that if you refuse to forgive others, God will seem unforgiving to you.
For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again (Mt. 7:2[251]). If you won’t forgive, you won’t feel forgiven. God is a forgiving God, God doesn’t do this to you; you do it to yourself, but you also do it to your children. If you don’t forgive, if you don’t see God as a forgiving God, your children won’t believe in His forgiveness either. If you want God to show Himself to you and to your children as a loving, forgiving God, you have to love and forgive. Let’s forgive and rejoice in the joy of our forgiveness!
I know you can’t forgive. I couldn’t, Corrie ten Boom couldn’t; you can’t either. God can forgive through you; God will forgive through you if only you ask. It may take a while. Corrie had preached forgiveness, it was near her heart; God answered her prayer on her second request, He didn’t do it right away. It may take longer for you, but God will do it if you ask in faith because it’s His will that you forgive. When He does, you’ll feel rivers of living water flow through; it will be like when you first felt the joy of forgiveness in salvation.
If you really want to forgive someone, if you want God’s love and forgiveness to flow through you, if you want God’s living waters to flow out of you, you have to pass it on. Pray that God will give you the strength and humility to tell the other person of your forgiveness so you can enjoy the love and grace of God together.
Chapter 14 – Sunday Evening – Loving Others as God Loves Us
Revelation 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” God knew that Jesus, the Lamb of God, would have to be crucified before the world was created. Jesus knew that Adam would sin and bring sin and death into the world before He created the world. Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway! Long before you or I were born, Jesus chose to die so that His blood could wash away the evil of all my sins, and all your sins, and all the sins everyone else ever committed and lose His close fellowship with His Father. When He was on the cross,
And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Matthew 27:46
My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? Psalm 22:1
Adam walked with God in the Garden of Eden before he sinned. After he sinned, Adam could no longer fellowship with God because he was polluted. In the same way, God could no longer fellowship with His Son Jesus while Jesus was bearing all the sins everyone in the world had ever committed or would commit.
For he hath made him to be sin for us
, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God
in him. II Corinthians 5:21
Being separated from His Father as Adam had lost his fellowship with God was much harder on Jesus than the physical pain. Jesus paid the penalty of spiritual death for our sins so we can accept His free offer of forgiveness, be made the righteousness of God in Him, repent of our sins, and get back our fellowship with God. That is God’s Simple plan of Salvation. Salvation is simple, but few find the path:
Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way
, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:14
How many people whom we tell about Jesus accept salvation? Very few. God knew we would have a hard time with His plan of salvation. We couldn’t follow two different plans, so He made one plan work for both salvation and for marriage.
To be saved, we die to our former lives and are born again into a new life serving God. We no longer belong to ourselves, we choose to belong to God (1 Cor. 6:19[252]). We serve Him gladly because we love Jesus:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead
to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another
, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
Christians are no longer separated from God by sin, we choose to belong to Him in a way that is like the marriage bond between husband and wife. We choose to become one with Him. In the same way, Jesus said that husband and wife are no longer two separate individuals after they choose to become one:
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife
: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain
, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
To marry, we die to our former individual lives (Mk. 10:8[253], 1 Cor. 6:16[254], Eph. 5:31[255]) and start a new family (Ps. 68:6a[256]). After salvation, we serve Jesus because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouse should make us want to please him or her. In marriage, we no longer belong to our individual selves, we belong to each other and serve each other gladly because we love each other (Phil. 2:4[257]) just as we serve God because we love Him.
How many people whom you tell accept salvation? How many people do you know who’ve accepted God’s Simple Plan of Marriage and show the joy of marriage in this life? When a couple does that, you will know their love for each other when you see them together. How many wives do you know who like belonging to their husbands? How many husbands do you know who like belonging to their wives? Our God loved us so much that He died to give us a way to go to Heaven to be with Him. He also taught us a way for men and women to give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven by loving and serving each other.
Having God love us and expecting us to love each other is as unique as the empty tomb. Love turned the world upside down (Acts 17:6[258]). Showing God’s love to each other wins the lost! They’ll want to experience God’s love for themselves. That’s how we turn the world upside down.
FINDING GOD BY RELATING TO GOD
God gave most people a feeling that there is a God and a sense of wondering about God (Rom. 2:15[259]). People are curious about God and want some sort of relationship to God. How many religions are there? Doesn’t each one offer a different way to relate to the supernatural?
In the same way, most men and women are strongly drawn to the opposite sex. Men want to relate to women and women want to relate to men.
God’s plan of salvation tells us how to relate to Him, and He made His plan of salvation work for marriage. God knew that we couldn’t handle two ways to relate. The Bible teaches that the relationship between husband and wife is a picture of the relationship between God and people. Husband and wife relate to each other the same way they relate to God. That relationship is built on God’s love for everyone (Jn. 3:16), but we must choose to believe in Him and return His love in order to belong to Him and go to heaven when we die.
LOVING GOD FROM YOUR HEART
The command “love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times they’re listed on page 110. The first time is:
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might
. Deuteronomy 6:5
The Bible tells us how to love our God. 5 times, the Bible says, “love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul… (De. 6:5, 30:6, Mt. 22:37, Mk. 12:30, Lk. 10:7)” De. 6:5 adds “and with all thy might.” De. 30:6 doesn’t add anything, it’s just heart and soul. Mt. 22:37 adds “and with all thy mind.” Both Mk. 12:30 and Lk. 10:27 add “and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind.” To summarize, we’re to love God with everything we have: Heart, soul, might, mind, and strength.
The list always starts with “heart.” It’s easier to love God with our minds because we can treat Him as an intellectual matter without involving our feelings or our emotions. We can’t truly love God as He expects without totally involving our hearts, minds, and everything else we have.
Ezekiel told his group of exiles why Jerusalem was about to be destroyed:
Son of man, these men have set up their idols in their heart
, and put the stumblingblock of their iniquity before their face: should I be enquired of at all by them? Ezekiel 14:3
Jewish leaders had given their hearts to idols which they valued over God. This was so serious that God no longer heard their prayers for guidance and advice; He would no longer “be enquired of at all by them.” Centuries later, the scribes and Pharisees criticized Jesus’ disciples for not following traditional eating customs:
He [Jesus] answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips
, but their heart is far from me
. 7Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. Mark 7:6-7
Worship from the heart is vital. The Pharisees lips said they followed God but their worship was vain because their hearts weren’t involved. What will a husband think if his wife’s relationship to him is a pure mental exercise without involving her emotions so that she lives with him without loving him? The Bible tells us how a woman feels if a man doesn’t involve his heart in taking her:
And she [Delilah] said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her (Song 2:16[260])? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader.
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee
. Proverbs 23:7
A man can feed a woman and take care of her material needs but not value her in his heart. It’s far easier to love God or another person with the mind than with the heart, but love as a mental exercise doesn’t do much good. That’s why God always put “heart” first. If we first love Him and our spouses with our hearts, our minds, strength, and might and everything else follow.
It’s important to guard our hearts so that we do not become emotionally involved with anything that can become more important to us than God or more important than our spouse:Keep
thy heart with all diligence
; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
God expects our minds to be diligent, that is, very careful, to rule our emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Christianity is a thinking faith, that’s why “mind” is on the list. Paul spoke of “persuading” men of the truth of the Bible (2 Cor. 5:11a[261]). Once we accept the reality of God on a mixture of thought and faith, we turn our hearts over to Him and the rest follows.
LOVE THY GOD
Think hard about loving “thy God.” Once you choose to accept salvation, God becomes your God and you are a member of His family. In the eyes of God, a wife belongs to her husband and he belongs to her.
Some church people haven’t chosen to belong to God; they aren’t real Christians. We all know “married” people who haven’t chosen to belong to each other. They haven’t become one, they aren’t joined in the way God expects. How many couples do you know who truly belong to each other?
If we don’t open ours hearts to Him, if we don’t desire that He know us, He can’t really be our God. We will be rejected no matter what we say or do to act like we belong to Him if we aren’t truly His:
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works
? 23And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you
: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. Matthew 7:21-23 *
LOVE THINE ONLY GOD
Once you accept God’s offer of salvation, He is your God. It’s exclusive, you may not worship any other God!Thou shalt have no other gods before me
. 4Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God
, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; 6And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments. Exodus 20:3-6 *
This passage mentions idols, physical images of men, animals, or whatever people worship. Anything that you value more than you value God becomes an idol to you. Some people worship religious leaders. Others worship money, clothes, the flag, or drugs. Anything that you value more than God is an idol to you.
Ezekiel said that the leaders in Jerusalem had idols in their hearts; Jesus said that the Pharisees said they worshipped God but didn’t worship Him in their hearts. They were idol-worshippers.
As with a spouse, you must value all aspects of God, not just the ones you like. Some churches preach the “buddy god” who loves everybody so much that he’d never send anyone to Hell – repentance and turning from sin aren’t needed. A love-only message is empty because it doesn’t define sin or tell people that God hates sin (Ps. 7:11b[262]). How can people ask forgiveness without knowing how God hates their sins (Ro. 3:10-11[263])?
Other churches preach the “bully god” by hammering away on God’s holiness without emphasizing His love. The bully god wrote a bunch of rules in the Bible which the leadership interprets and extends. The bully god watches your every thought, word, and deed so he can whack you with the pastor’s help when you get out of line. No forgiveness for you, miserable miscreant!
Holiness without love is repugnant – it’s too harsh. Sinners don’t want to hear about holiness alone because they don’t want to feel hopelessly bad about themselves. Showing God’s love gives hope and helps sinners accept God’s holiness. Sinners can’t understand why Jesus was willing to die on the cross unless they’re taught to cling to His love.
Without knowing God’s love, people can’t feel confident of His care for us (1 Pe. 5:7[264]) or of His promise never to leave us (He. 13:5[265]). Jesus love for us keeps us following Him because we want Him to be pleased with us (2 Cor. 5:14-15[266]). We follow His holiness because we love Him. You can’t do one without the other.
Similarly, your spouse comes as a complete package – you must appreciate and value all characteristics.
LOVE THINE ONLY MAN OR WOMAN
Marriage is exclusive. God expects a man to “possess his vessel,” that is, his wife, in sanctification:
That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; I Thessalonians 4:4
“Sanctification” means to be set apart. A man must set his wife apart from all other women by marrying her before taking her. He must focus his desires on her and her alone (Song 6:9a[267]).
Worship is exclusive to God; we worship Him and Him alone. What is exclusive to marriage? Sex. God commands that men and women join physically only in marriage.
Sex defines marriage. A woman may guide a man’s house without marriage, we have housemaids. It’s OK to help raise a man’s children without marrying him; we have women nannies and teachers. A woman can feed a man without marriage, we have cooks. She can work with or for a man. A man and woman may do many things together without being married, but there’s one thing God says they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex. Sex defines marriage; Isaac and Rebecca were married the moment he took her to wife but not before. Promising to marry didn’t marry them; they were married when he took her to wife:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife
; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
Christians worship only the Lord our God and Christians have sex only within marriage. Christians must be careful not to value anyone or anything more than we value God. We can love people to whom we aren’t married, but unmarried love is different and the way we talk outside marriage is different. The Bible tells Christian men how to talk to people when they aren’t married:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity
. I Timothy 5:2
Men have to be careful not to let talk slide toward the emotional and physical connections God reserves for marriage. Women must stop talking to a man who’s heading toward violating her emotional or physical purity. It’s OK for men and women to talk as long as they talk as persons and not as men and women.
It’s easy to tell when a conversation that begins person to person strays toward man-woman. This is wrong if either party is married. If they’re both single, the woman must decide whether she might want to marry him and insist that he agree that the goal of being together is to decide whether he and she will marry.
There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage. Some cultures assume that it is not possible for a man and woman to talk without impurity. Men and women are able to converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions. The only person in the world whose gender should matter to you is your spouse.
Man-woman talk is dangerous in work situations. You must please the boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much. This can easily lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with talk that does not meet God’s standards of purity.
God warns that men shouldn’t get physical with women outside marriage even if they don’t have sex:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman
. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication
, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
The Greek word translated “touch” includes arousing passion or starting a fire. Would a man take his mother’s arm in a slippery place to keep her from falling or help his sister put on her coat? Of course. Would he try to get his mother or sister sexually aroused? Of course not.
Anything or anyone which a Christian loves or follows more than God is an idol and God thinks of this as idolatry, or spiritual adultery. If a husband allows his love for anything – job, hobby, sports, hunting – to be stronger than his love for his wife, she thinks he’s committing emotional adultery.
DIFFICULTIES WITH LOVING
Some people have trouble letting themselves love others. Some are afraid that if they love God enough to be willing to do whatever God tells them to do, God may send them where they don’t want to go. A man may try to block his emotions for fear that a woman might hurt him. Jesus faced that problem after He told His disciples to start spreading the Gospel:
Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you
. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost
: John 20:21-22
Even though Peter had been given the Holy Spirit, Peter went fishing instead of spreading the Gospel as Jesus had commanded. Having created Peter, Jesus knew that men can be afraid to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt. Peter’s fear of hurt blocked him from acknowledging his love (1 Jn. 4:18[268]).
Peter saw Jesus weep at Lazarus’ tomb (Jn. 11:35[269]) and mourn for Jerusalem (Mt. 23:37[270]) and Capernaum (Mt. 11:23[271], Luk. 10:15[272]). If Peter let God send him as God had sent Jesus, he’d be hurt when people he loved didn’t accept the Gospel. He wanted none of Jesus’ sorrow or grief (Is. 53:3-4[273]).
Jesus forced Peter to admit that Peter loved Jesus. That didn’t make Peter love Jesus – he already did – but Peter didn’t recognize his love for Jesus until Jesus brought it to his attention. Men aren’t always in touch with their emotions, it never occurred to Boaz to marry Ruth, but when she asked, he thought it was such a good idea he ran out the next morning and married her (Ru. 3:18[274], 4:1-11). The Bible teaches short engagements.
Once Peter admitted to himself that he loved Jesus, his love for Christ drove Peter to spread the word! That’s why Jesus wants us to accept His love for us and our love for Him. God expects a man’s love for his wife to drive him to serve her and take care of her and vice versa.
Building love takes time and effort. We express our love for God through prayer, valuing His Word, and letting the Holy Spirit lead us to do the good works that God expects of us (Titus 2:14[275], 3:8[276]). Families build their love for each other through open-hearted conversation and cheerful service.
Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly
, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.
II Corinthians 9:7
God isn’t the only one who loves a cheerful giver. Cheerful service leads family members to nourish and cherish each other and other church members:
And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
“Love one another” is in the New Testament 12 times. “Good works,” the result of loving one another (Jam. 2:14-26), appears 16 times! If a Christian doesn’t love his wife or other church members, if he doesn’t take care of others (1 Cor. 10:24[277], Phil. 2:4[278]), if he won’t belong to his wife, does he really belong to God?
LOVE IN MARRIAGE AND LOVE OF GOD
The Bible compares marriage bonds with the bond between God and His people. Worship is unique to God; we worship the One True God and only the One True God. Sex and married love are unique to marriage, a husband and wife must not have sex with anyone else and must never let their emotions become involved in the same way with anyone else.
We love God fervently. We love our spouses and we love other Christians, but love between husband and wife is different in intensity and depth from their love for anyone else. This analogy is used in the New Testament to describe the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church:
For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband
, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. II Corinthians 11:2
Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honor to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. Revelation 19:7
Old Testament prophets used sexual terms describing love between husband and wife to express the relationship of God with his people. Ezekiel chapters 16 and 23 and Hosea chapter 2 compared God’s people being unfaithful by worshiping idols with a wife or husband betraying a spouse by committing adultery.
Jerusalem was worshipping other gods; harlots sell sexual favors instead of giving freely to husbands:
How is the faithful city become an harlot
! it was full of judgment; righteousness lodged in it; but now murderers. Isaiah 1:21
“Espousal” means committing to marry. God’s people repeatedly promised to obey God and be His people while they were in the wilderness, but had broken their engagement to God.
Go and cry in the ears of Jerusalem, saying, Thus saith the LORD; I remember thee, the kindness of thy youth, the love of thine espousals
, when thou wentest after me in the wilderness, in a land that was not sown. Jeremiah 2:2
Jeremiah listed sins which caused the northern kingdom to be carried into captivity and pointed out that the people of Judah did the same sins. God is distressed when His people value anyone or anything more than they value Him. Married people are distressed when a spouse is romantically tied to someone else.
The LORD said also unto me in the days of Josiah the king, Hast thou seen that which backsliding Israel
hath done? she is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot
. 7And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it. 8And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery
I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also
. 9And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery
with stones and with stocks. 10And yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah hath not turned unto me with her whole heart, but feignedly, saith the LORD. 11And the LORD said unto me, The backsliding Israel
hath justified herself more than treacherous Judah. 12Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, Return, thou backsliding Israel
, saith the LORD; and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful, saith the LORD, and I will not keep anger for ever. Jeremiah 3:6-12
THE SONG OF SOLOMON SHOWS HOW MARRIAGE WORKS
Scholars debate whether the Song of Songs is literal or spiritual. That’s an empty argument because the Bible repeatedly uses marriage to illustrate God’s relationship to His people and uses God’s relationship to His people to describe marriage (Is. 1:21, Jer. 2:2, 3:6–12, Eze. 16, 23, Hos. 2). The Song cannot describe God’s permanent, loving, joyful, and exclusive relationship with His people without also describing the pattern for a permanent, loving, joyful, and exclusive human marriage. It is both literal and spiritual.
1) The Song begins with the wife praising her husband (Song 1:2). Men don’t seem to understand women very well; maybe having a wife praise her husband teaches him how to praise her in a way that she appreciates? Could praising her husband make a wife less likely to focus on what she doesn’t like? Feeling appreciated by his wife does make a man want to take care of her and appreciate her.
2) There is no criticism at all in the Song, only praise in mind-numbing detail. The man and wife are constantly looking for little things about each other to praise and appreciate. Their praise sounds odd to us, but you can re-word it to make sense for you. The lesson is that married people need constant praise, support, and affirmation from each other in detail. Praising God takes our minds off our problems; praising your spouse helps you forget day-to-day annoyances.
3) The husband is totally involved with his wife. He tells everyone that she’s uniquely perfect:
My dove, my undefiled is but one
; she is the only one
of her mother, she is the choice one
of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song 6:9
He’s so focused on her that he doesn’t see other women as women, only as people.
4) The wife has the security of knowing that her husband belongs to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
How should a man behave to convince his wife that he belongs to her? By opening his heart to her.
5) The wife recognizes and encourages her husband’s desire for her:
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
As Ruth accepted Naomi’s advice how to get married (Ru. 3:18[279]), this wife followed her mother’s advice how to stay married (Song 8:2[280]). Her mother points out that she has far more sexual capacity than her husband does; she can drain off all the sexual energy God gives him. This convinces him that she belongs to him and makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he’ll be tempted by other women and they might both be burned (Pr. 5:20[281], 6:27[282]).
The entire Song deals with our human need to be appreciated. A man can’t praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her. Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.
How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and always looked for things to appreciate instead? That is the essence of the Song.
GOD GAVE US ONE LOVE-BASED WAY TO RELATE
We relate to God and to other people in the same way. Our relationship to God is exclusive – we worship only the One True God. Marriage is exclusive – husband and wife have sex only with each other and reserve their mating emotions for each other.
We love God and follow His commandments to please him. Husband and wife love each other and serve each other to please each other out of love. Our Christian walk is based on love for God, spouse, family, church members, and everyone else besides. Love for God comes first, then love for spouse and family.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:37
Although we love other people, men and women must be careful to keep their love for others pure.
God’s rules are very simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him, that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what he hasn’t given.
When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior. We are commanded to follow after God, so when you look on your spouse, you should see the purity and perfection of His son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.
God expects bride and groom to approach into matrimony with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God, and with each other.
God gave us one plan for both salvation and marriage, and He gave us one love-based way to relate to Him to our spouses and to our fellow church members. We praise God in the same way we praise our spouses; we give ourselves to our spouses in the same way we give ourselves to God. Showing and spreading the love of God is how we turn the world upside down.
It really is that simple.
Questions or Comments
Love the Lord Thy God
God’s command “love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times! This shows the logic of God’s plan for us. Choosing to love Him as He commands helps us serve Him better. It’s obvious that couples who strive to love each other as they love God will give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
Paul prayed “that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment (Phil 1:9).” Pray that God will make your love abound for Him, your family, your church, and the lost. People who see your joy in loving each other and loving them will want God’s love for themselves! Any group or society based on loving God and each other as He commands will bring joy to everyone who joins together in loving God.
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway. Deuteronomy 11:1
And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, 14That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil. Deuteronomy 11:13-14
For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; Deuteronomy 11:22
Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 13:3
If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three: Deuteronomy 19:9
And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
In that I command thee this day to love the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in the land whither thou goest to possess it. Deuteronomy 30:16
That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. Deuteronomy 30:20
But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul. Joshua 22:5
Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the LORD your God. Joshua 23:11
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. Matthew 22:37
And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
Loving God with your soul is mentioned 8 times, mind 3 times, strength twice, might once, and so on. We choose in our minds to give more than just our hearts and love God with everything we have! This is a deliberate, practical choice. Deciding to love in this way binds us together with God and with each other.
Chapter 15 – Marriage Explained in One Verse
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for her.
· She became his wife because they had made public marriage vows before he took her.
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting a man is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him, but this requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation as taught in the Song of Solomon.
80-90% of how a marriage works out depends on how a man treats his wife after they marry, but 80% of that depends on how high she and he set her value by protecting her virtue before they marry (Pr. 31:10).
ISAAC SUPPLIED THE TENT
Most women delight in a man’s attention. A woman can easily become emotionally involved with a man who claims to love her. Playing boy-girl games when you aren’t ready for marriage is like playing with matches and gasoline when you don’t want to start a fire. People aren’t toys, and playing with each other before you’re mature enough to think of a permanent marriage partner can lead to serious emotional damage.
There are only three ways it can turn out, all of them are bad:
1) You can break up. This hurts, but shows you can survive breaking up. This prepares you for divorce later.
2) You can marry before you’re mature enough or have enough income. Mature adults have troubles with the duties and responsibilities of marriage, and marriage is far harder on younger people.
3) You can get involved physically without commitment to each other, which adds to the emotional damage.
The teen years and early twenties are a time for striving to learn what you must know to join the ranks of productive, responsible adults; it’s not a time to wish you were already grown up. Isaac was 40 years old (Gen. 5:20) and had enough money to support Rebecca when he married her. This is a husband’s duty.
Jesus spoke of His servants being obliged to do their duty to Him:
So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. Luke 17:10
When God gives a woman to a man to be his wife, God expects him to nourish and cherish her (Eph 5:29).
HE TOOK REBEKAH
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her
. Genesis 29:21
A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her. Marriage is wonderful enough to be worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: 19The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: I Corinthians 7:9a
Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” The man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her. Naomi gave Ruth the best advice on getting marriage you’ll ever hear:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter
, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth brought it up, it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. What if a woman gives him rest outside marriage? Her value falls (Pr. 31:10). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else?
SHE BECAME HIS WIFE
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication
: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour
; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter
: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. I Thessalonians 4:3-8
Some say that this refers to a man possessing his own body, but “vessel” in “as unto the weaker vessel (1 Pe. 3:7)” describes something that receives. In marriage, the man’s body gives and the woman’s body receives. Jesus said that a man and wife were “no more twain, but one flesh.” It doesn’t matter which body the passage refers to; there’s only one body in a Christian marriage.
A man sanctifies a woman, that is, sets her apart from all other women, by entering into Holy Matrimony with her before taking her. How often do we hear of a man persuading a woman to fulfill his lusts by claiming to love her? Without the sanctification of marriage, taking a woman is sinful lust which God calls “fraud.” God avenges this by denying the man most of the joy which God intended for marriage.
We know from news about dates gone wrong that being defrauded by being taken outside marriage can harm a woman badly and make her bitter. God gives a man the desire of his heart when he takes a woman through lying to her, but defrauding her and taking advantage of her brings leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15). Fraud followed by bitterness isn’t a good foundation for marriage. The situation can’t improve unless the man takes responsibility for defrauding her and confesses his sin to her and to their parents.
The Bible uses “took to wife (Gen. 26:34, 1 Ki. 16:31, 1 Chr. 7:15)” to indicate that the man married the woman before taking her. The Bible warns four times that opening herself to a man humbles a woman (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). The chemicals a man injects into her body make her brain produce hormones that affect her thinking. She becomes much more relaxed. She’ll lose her sense of independence and feel a desire to cling to him and to belong to him. This makes her feel vulnerable and dependent. This can be very frightening even if he’s made her feel secure, appreciated, and valued by marrying her before taking her and by opening his heart to her enough that she’s confident that he belongs to her.
If a man takes a woman outside marriage, she knows he failed to protect her from his passions as Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent. It is very difficult for a woman to follow a man whom she can’t trust.
ISAAC LOVED REBEKAH
Older women are told to teach younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4) because men are very much alike – what comforts one man will make pretty much any man feel loved, and it’s simple enough that the Bible explains it in one verse. There is no simple formula for making a wife feel loved because women are so different from each other, but the Bible describes the result. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye when sending them back to their families to find husbands, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without modern machinery. In a muscle-powered society with no “safety net,” wives depend on husbands for food. Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that they were valued and appreciated by their husbands as taught in the Song of Solomon.
Watching a couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
: Eat and drink
, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee
. Proverbs 23:7
A man can claim he loves a woman and provide for her without giving his heart to her. Naomi wanted each daughter to find an appreciative husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7). What was Delilah’s complaint against Samson?
And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me
? Judges 16:15a
The woman in the Song is confident that her husband has opened his heart enough to belong to her:
My beloved is mine
, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine
: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her and wouldn’t belong to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but she could see that he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her (Song 2:16)? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader, a story that happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. What she did wasn’t nice, but who betrayed whom first?
Women share their hearts routinely in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14). They have a hard time understanding that it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as for a woman to open her body. A man’s emotions are as powerful as a woman’s. Japanese say “One hair of a woman’s head pulls more strongly than ten yoke of oxen” and Chinese say that a man in love rides a wild horse. Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death
; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare a man. Although he may declare his love to her, he may not admit his love to himself.
Having created Peter, Jesus knew how Peter felt. Peter saw Jesus grieve over the cities of Israel page 106. Peter didn’t want the sorrow of seeing people he loved fall away so he hid his emotions from himself.
John 21:15-19 tells how Jesus asked three times whether Peter loved Jesus. Peter finally admitted to brotherly love. Did Jesus’ questions make Peter love Him? No, Peter already loved Jesus – he wept bitterly when he betrayed Jesus (Mt. 26:75) – but he didn’t want to feel his love, knowing how love can lead to sorrow.
If a man won’t admit to himself that he loves his wife enough to be hurt by her, he can’t convince her he loves her and she won’t be able to comfort him as he expects. Opening herself to him makes her more sensitive to his feelings about her. If he values her skills, feelings, thoughts, and everything else about her, feeling loved more strongly makes her happy. She won’t mind being humbled and will be glad to see his delight in her. If she doesn’t think he’s pleased with her, she won’t want to be more sensitive to his feelings.
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth
. I John 3:18
A woman has a thousand thousand ways to deflect her husband’s desire, but the fault is generally his. She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. The secret of a man finding happiness in marriage is to convince his wife that he’s truly happy with her. That will make her happy with him which makes him happy. The Song of Songs starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
She likes getting physical because he appreciates her. Husbands and wives want to please each other:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife
. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband
. I Corinthians 7:32-34 *
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
Women are made for men (Gen. 2:18), so a wife generally cares more about pleasing her husband than he cares about pleasing her. The Book of Proverbs warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24, 27:15) that an unhappy wife is a hardship; many say, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones
. Proverbs 17:22
Men, don’t dry your wife’s bones. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to please you? She can’t please you if she doesn’t know what you want. The only way she can be confident of pleasing you is for you to open your heart enough for her to learn your ways in detail.
When a woman finds she can’t please her husband no matter how she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photos. Men, if you want to be happy in marriage, be happy with your wife. That makes her happy. There is no joy this side of Heaven that compares with having your wife be glad to belong to you.
AND THEN HE WAS COMFORTED
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
His physical desire seems strange to her, so the wife asks her mother for advice about her husband:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me
: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is the definition of submission. She has far more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he’ll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28).
A man can’t praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her. Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.
How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and appreciated each other constantly instead? That is the essence of the Song.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A married woman takes on the yoke of pleasing her husband. He’s commanded to dwell with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7). The only way to get this knowledge is by hours and hours of daily open-hearted conversation. This will open his heart to her enough to make his yoke easy and his burden light and convince her that he belongs to her as taught in the Song.
Courtship shows whether he trusts her (Pro. 31:11) enough to truly open his heart and he finds out whether she respects him and honors him (Eph. 5:33, 1 Pe. 3:6) in spite of his mistakes. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as his precious gift from God and she acts like his precious gift from God.
Chapter 16 – A Young Man is Pursuing Your Daughter. What do you Tell Him?
Jesus told us that men marry; women are given in marriage (Luk. 20:34[283]). A wife is a gift from God to her groom (Luk. 17:27[284]). You should do your best to be sure the would-be groom is prepared to gently and wisely lead your daughter so that he will receive the full blessing God intends in giving him a wife.
Christian marriage is incredibly simple. God doesn’t see our sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[285], I Cor. 6:11[286]).
God’s gift of grace means that He and His Son treat us as if we’re perfect (Rom. 8:1[287], Eph. 5:25-27[288]). Note “without blemish” in Ephesians 5:27. As Jesus sanctifies and cleanses His church, your son-in-law must sanctify your daughter to present herself to him as a “glorious wife, without spot or wrinkle.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:12[289], Is. 43:25[290], I Cor. 6:11[291], Hebrews 10:17[292]). When God washes away our sins, what’s left is perfect. Ephesians 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God treats us as perfect, so we must follow God and treat our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, tell everyone your spouse is perfect for you (Song 6:9[293]), and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6a[294]).
Marriage prospers if a husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[295]). He’s to serve, love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[296], Song 4:7[297], 6:9[298]) as perfect, she’s to serve him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[299], Col. 3:18[300]) even though neither of them deserves the other! Is he prepared to forgive your daughter as God forgives him? Can she forgive him?
That’s simple, but “simple” doesn’t mean “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but it’s far from easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a short stroll across a continent.
THE REWARDS OF MARRIAGE
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight in belonging to him as the wife in the Song of Solomon delights in belonging to her husband. Assuming he’s saved and has found a job which can support her and a place to house her (Ge. 24:67 page 111), you’ll want to point out Biblical ideas to help him receive all the joy God intended for marriage (Ecc. 9:9[301], Pr. 5:18-19[302], Pr. 31:28-29[303]).
Nourishing and cherishing a wife as God expects is a lot of work; it’s important that he be strongly drawn to her. The time will come when she’s got the flu, she’s pregnant out to here, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she’s too sick to do anything about it. If he’s as smitten with her as the husband in the Song, he’ll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.
The story of the talents (Lk. 19) teaches that Our Lord holds us accountable for how we administer the gifts He gives us (I Cor. 12:1-18). God expects a husband to know his wife’s God-given gifts and to encourage her to develop and use them for His glory as they glorify God together (I Peter 3:7[304]).
The Jews were exiled to Babylon when they didn’t fulfill God’s conditions. They possessed the land, but they didn’t keep God’s law (Je. 32:23[305]) and they didn’t give the land its Sabbaths (II Chr. 36:21[306]). They misused the gift, so they lost the blessing.
God formed your daughter in her mother’s womb as a good and perfect help meet to be His gift to her husband (Mt. 7:11[307], Jas. 1:17[308], I Cor. 11:8-9[309]). You want your son-in-law to fulfill all of God’s conditions when he possesses your daughter so he can receive the full blessing of receiving your daughter as an unmerited gift from God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.
The Old Testament explains how. Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel received from his mother. She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:
· Don’t mess with women (Pr. 31:3[310]).
· Don’t abuse mind-altering substances (Pr. 31:4-5[311]).
· Take care of your people when they’re hurting (Pr. 31:6-7[312]).
· Treat your people fairly (Pr. 31:8-9[313]).
He can’t fulfill the last two without building open, loving relationships. How else can he distinguish between needy and lazy, the good and the glib? Mrs. Lemuel’s wisdom helps him in any path he walks.
She also told her son what to expect from the virtuous wife you have trained your daughter to be:
· She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life (Pr. 31:12). He must explain what he regards as good so she can follow him. That’s another reason for him to open his heart to her (1 Pe. 3:7).
· The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her (Pr. 31:11, Pr. 12:4[314]). Many men won’t admit their emotions even to themselves for fear of being hurt. Jesus had to force the Apostle Peter to admit that Peter loved Christ (Jn. 15:21-17). Will he not only admit his love for your daughter to himself, but convince her daily? It’s easier for a woman to follow a man when she knows he loves her.
· She openeth up her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr.31:26). God expects her words to always be health to him (Pr. 12:18[315]) so he’ll want to hear what she has to say.
Mrs. Lemuel then outlined God’s terms and conditions so that her son could receive the blessing:
· Teach his children, by telling them and by showing them, to praise and appreciate her every action and her never-ending labor on behalf of her home (Pr. 31:28).
· Praise her as a uniquely wonderful wife who “excelleth them all” (Pr. 31:29). The Song explains how.
· She works mostly in the home, so he must praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31), at home, and at church.
LEADING IN MEEKNESS
Having given him your daughter to be his wife, God gives him authority over her, his children, and his home. Jesus told us to exercise authority meekly (Mk. 9:35[316], Mk. 10:42-45[317], II Tim. 2:24-25[318]) in any role.
God gave Moses authority to get water by speaking to the rock (Nu. 20:7-12). Moses exceeded his authority and struck the rock. Moses’ acting in anger instead of in meekness (Nu. 12:3[319]) abused the authority God had given him and cost him the blessing of entering the Promised Land.
Parents labor to teach children never to react in anger by age 2 or 3 (Pr. 22:24[320], 25:28[321], 29:22[322]). We teach them to relate, discuss, share, and care about the other person (Phil. 2:3[323]). Did his parents teach him this? His view of your daughter will be very important to her after they’re married. She won’t be able to love him as much as she wants to love him if he hurts her with his words (Pr. 22:24).
He decides whether he trusts her enough to open his heart to her and learn about her to dwell according to knowledge as God commands (I Pe. 3:7) during courtship. God rewards this – hours and days of open-hearted talk which give him knowledge of her teaches her about him. Learning of him makes his yoke easy and her burden light (Mt. 11:29-30[324]), giving her rest unto her soul (Ru. 1:9a[325]). Once she rests knowing she pleases him (I Co. 7:34[326]), she can make him happy in ways he would never imagine to command.
God constructed women’s brains to think so differently that it takes hours and hours of daily conversation for her to understand him well enough to follow him and to please him. A woman can’t obey or follow what she doesn’t understand. Women who conclude that they can’t please their husbands die inside. We see death in their eyes, even in photographs. You don’t want that for your daughter.
HOW IS HIS WALK WITH GOD?
Does he truly believe that God is good? Most Christians say that, but few search the Bible for keys to happiness. When God created the heavens and the earth, the only “not good” was Adam being alone. After God created Eve to help Adam, it was all “very good.” Does he believe that in his bones?
“Help” comes from ezer, as in “from whence cometh my ezer (Ps. 121:1).” A wife is a valuable help, but she needs to understand him to know how to help, and that takes hours of daily conversation for years, even after children are born. It’s virtually impossible for her to rejoice in meeting his physical needs unless he meets her needs for emotional connection. She sees what he wants as vain repetition, just as he sees her talk.
Men think women want to talk about the same old thing, women think men want to do the same old thing. Both wonder why the other party isn’t bored. God made them different!
WILL HE APPRECIATE HER AS GOD APPRECIATES HER?
Many men think that God made women incorrectly; that’s why He commanded “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” This is a command. Will he obey? Can his tongue be health to her (Pr. 12:18[327], 15:1[328]) when he’s frustrated (Pr. 25:28[329]) or when he’s been too busy to give her the emotional support she needs by talking about her concerns (Phil. 2:4[330])?
The Bible describes the wife as the weaker vessel (I Pe. 3:7). What he does or doesn’t do to her, he does or doesn’t do to Christ (Mt. 25:40[331], Mt. 25:45[332]). Does he know this? Does he believe it? Will he act on it?
When God, the stronger party, offered His covenant, Abraham, the weaker party, gave up his animals to provide blood to seal God’s berith. A berith is one-sided; it bound God no matter how Abraham’s descendants abused the covenant. When your daughter accepts his berith, she gives up her innocence to provide the blood to seal her husband’s (Mal. 2:14[333]) berith for herself and for her children forever. The English language doesn’t have a word like the Hebrew word berith which the inspired words of the Hebrew Bible use to describe marriage vows. “Covenant” is the best English word, but “covenant” suggests that someone can break the marriage covenant if the spouse breaks it first. This weakens God’s definition of Holy Matrimony.
Does he value stories in the OT “for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition (I Cor. 10:10-11[334])?” Nowhere in scripture does a husband criticize his wife. Not once. Will he teach his children to honor and appreciate the effort that goes into making food (Pr. 31:18[335]), even if they don’t like a particular dish?
Does he know that God may speak to a man through his help meet (Jud. 13:2-13, Mt. 27:19[336])?
The Bible commands older women to instruct the younger. Ruth accepted Naomi’s advice even though she had been married and knew about men. Naomi gave her the best possible advice how to get married (Ru. 3:18). The wife in the Song asked her mother and got the best possible advice how to stay married (Song 8:3).
My wife tells young ladies that a man dreams of having her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan (Gen. 29:21[337]). Girls who’ve never dated somehow know that a husband’s drive will be invasive, messy, and take away her independence. Rebekah knew Isaac’s agenda would have a major impact on her. She veiled herself to get a little space (Ge. 24:64-65).
Giving herself to her husband is what submission is. What drives a man to marry (Ge. 29:21) and to come home (Song 2:8)? What does “took to wife (Ge. 26:24, Ex. 2:1, I Ki. 16:31, I Chron. 7:15)” mean?
If a wife welcomes her husband’s advances, encourages him when he hasn’t asked, tells him, “I like your seed. Let’s do that again as soon as you can” as the spirit moves her, both he and she will be convinced that she belongs to him. That makes it hard for women at work to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he’s more vulnerable to temptation and they’re likely to get burned (Pro. 6:27[338]).
God was serious in saying that it was not good for a man to be alone; men generally die before their wives. A wife can shorten her widowhood by keeping her husband healthy. She can say, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape.” The more he exercises and the healthier he eats, the longer he’ll live.
God made men possessive. If she convinces him that she’s truly his, he’ll tend to take care of her. If her happiness is his, he’ll find that making her happy makes him happier than anything he can do for himself. Solomon’s labor was vanity and chasing wind because he did it for himself. “I gat me, I builded me….” If he dedicates his work and his life to nourishing his wife, children, and church, his work won’t be vain at all.
AND THEY TWAIN SHALL BE ONE FLESH: SO THEN THEY ARE NO MORE TWAIN, BUT ONE FLESH. (MK. 10:8)
Her husband must make this possible. Giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10). It calms her, takes away her independence, and makes her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s angry or unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel that more strongly and will try to evade him. If, on the other hand, he works as hard as the husband in the Song to convince her that he rejoices in her to the point that he doesn’t see others as women, only as people, she’ll rejoice in his joy as she gives herself to him.
This affects the way she walks, the way she talks, and her facial expressions. Anyone can see it.
God designed women so that a wife multiplies whatever her husband gives her and reflects it back to him.
Think about making babies. He gives his wife one tiny cell. She nourishes what he gave her within herself and gives him a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of her baby has his mark in it (Gen. 5:3[339]). If he gives her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if he gives her a girl cell, she makes a girl. We reap what we sow:
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
Wives demonstrate this. God gave your daughter sensitive emotions so that she wants her husband to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether he’s pleased or not. Her emotions make her into a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex his soul to death (Jud. 16:16[340]), multiply his unhappiness, and give all his unhappiness back to him. If he gives her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness he gives her and fill his house with the light of his joy in her. Men reap what they sow to their wives, very quickly.
Whatever he feels about her determines how she fills his house. Sow a boy cell, reap a boy. Sow a cell of love; reap a house full of love. The secret of happiness in marriage is to be happy with his wife so she can multiply his happiness and reflect it back to him.
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven like having a woman delight in belonging to him, but he must give her a lot to rejoice about (Ecc. 9:9[341]) so that she rejoices with him. Marriage prospers if a man treats his wife as God’s precious unmerited gift from God and from her, and she acts like God’s gift to him.
Can he look your daughter in the eye now, before marriage, and tell her, “For God so loved man that he gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If he can say that, and mean it, and act on it, she’ll be happy in belonging to him.
There is no joy this side of heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to him, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
Chapter 17 – Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently
God made males and females different to help us be fruitful and multiply. Instead of trusting that a good God knew what He was doing when He created us, many men and women complain that God made their spouses wrong. Women complain that men are too possessive, too controlling, and can’t find anything in a refrigerator. Men complain that women are too emotional and talk too much.
God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her (1 Pe. 3:7). Very few women or men can explain their thought processes. This chapter discusses the way male and female brains work to give couples a basis for sharing the way they think. Understanding draws them closer.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply
, Genesis 1:27-28a
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou [Adam] eat bread, Genesis 3:19a
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, Genesis 24:67a
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house
, I Timothy 5:14a
God told Adam to live by the sweat of his face without mentioning Eve. Isaac supplied the tent where his wife would live. A husband provides food, clothing and shelter for his wife who guides their house. God created women to help their husbands (Gen. 2:18, 20[342]), and the Bible values multiple sources of advice:
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. Proverbs 15:22
A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and counsel when making decisions. Even if her ideas aren’t always practical, her ideas may stimulate his thoughts and help make better decisions. In our decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion to get all the facts, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are understood.
The benefits of knowledge sharing are great. That’s one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11[343]) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24[344]).
God designed men and women to think differently. I saw my mother’s mind work when a baby cried in the next apartment. The hormones of pregnancy make a mother sensitive to a baby’s cry[345]. My mother couldn’t stand the baby’s distress. She knocked, said, “Can I help you,” and picked up the baby.
Hormones on a woman’s skin affect a baby’s brain[346]. The mother’s hormones of fear made her baby afraid. My mother’s calmer hormones made the baby stop crying from fear and start crying about what was wrong. Mom showed the mother how to fix it. God designed women’s hearing to be sensitive to baby noises but it takes teaching and experience for a mother to learn how to deal with the sounds of her baby.
HOW WOMEN THINK
When men complain that women think emotionally, women feel that men believe that women don’t think at all. This makes them unhappy and unwilling to try to explain how they think, which lowers decision quality.
Dismissing women’s thoughts goes back to the Greek philosophers who gave us forward and backward chaining which doctors use. The doctor collects facts – blood pressure, temperature, weight, height, and your history. You describe your symptoms. The doctor “forward chains” from the facts and guesses what’s wrong.
Suppose the doctor thinks you have pellagra. If that’s true, you’ll have other symptoms. The doctor “backward chains” from the guess and orders tests to see if you have the expected symptoms. “We need more tests” means that the guess was wrong, backward chaining failed, but they now have more facts. They’ve forward chained to another guess for which backward chaining needs more facts. It is easy to explain conclusions found through forward and backward chaining.
Greeks also gave us Aristotelian logic – if A is true, not A is false. When Rome conquered Greece, they learned geometry and logic. They couldn’t have built roads or bridges without these intellectual tools.
These ways of thinking are so useful that men tend to believe that their way is the only way to think. When the Greek philosophers came down from their lofty discussions of logic, they found that the women whom they’d left guiding the house didn’t think that way. Instead of seeing that there was another way to think, they assumed that women didn’t think at all. Modern men are no better at valuing women’s thoughts.
Women think holistically, which means “involving or emphasizing the whole.” Everything in the house and everyone she knows is connected to everything else like a multidimensional picture in her mind. This helps a woman find things and makes it easier for her to fit each new baby into the family.
My wife once saw a group of kids running. “That child’s hurt!” she exclaimed even though we were too far away to identify them. One child had a sprained ankle and been given crutches but didn’t want to use them. The way that child ran disturbed my wife. Being able to see or hear one wrong note in a complex situation helps raise children – a choking baby needs help now no matter what else the mother is doing.
This Smithsonian article describes motherhood “as an unseen and poorly understood cellular-level revolution that rebuilds the female brain.”[347] A high-level executive was amazed to find herself watching her newborn wave and kick for hours on end. Her brain was learning her baby’s normal movements so that if her child was hurt, she would immediately see that something was wrong and take care of it.
A holistic situational sense can protect women from bigger, stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” urges women to pay attention to their feelings. Many women who’d been robbed or raped reported feeling uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. His book said we should pay attention when we feel something’s wrong. Judges 16:18 teaches that a woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks.
IT CAN BE HARD TO EXPLAIN
My wife’s father respected her thoughts as given of God to fulfill God’s instructions to marry and have children, but he insisted that she try as hard as she could to explain her feelings. That helped me as I learned how to care for her. She told me many things about herself and her thoughts which were so helpful to our marriage that we wrote them down for our granddaughter on page 69.
Even with decades of practice, it can be hard for her to explain. A friend was in the hospital for heart surgery. His washing machine failed. My wife offered to do his wife’s laundry and bought 2 laundry carriers. When I asked why she hadn’t put the clothes in a trash bag, she said she hadn’t thought of it.
I knew that wasn’t the reason but she couldn’t explain. The next day she told me her friend folded dirty laundry in the pile waiting to be washed and would be unhappy if clean clothes came back jumbled in a bag. With her husband in the hospital, my wife didn’t want to add to her stress. She knew this without knowing how she knew until she figured it out the next day. As Prof. Chomsky said, “Experts don’t think – they know!”
When researchers used computers for Artificial Intelligence (AI), they began with forward and backward chaining. This gave us “expert systems” whose conclusions could be explained. As AI advanced to “deep learning,” computers reach conclusions we can’t understand. “Can we let algorithm take decisions we cannot explain?[348]” points out that unexplained decisions make people nervous, just as men get nervous when a woman reaches a strongly-held conclusion she can’t explain and which makes no sense to them.
HOW GOD DID THIS
Research shows that men and women have different verbal[349] and spatial reasoning[350] skills. God gave male and female brains the same basic structure and the same brain cells but the connections are different.
“Men’s and Women’s Brains Are Wired Differently, but What Does It Mean?[351]”
The brain is split into two halves, called hemispheres. Verma’s study found that men have more connections within each hemisphere of the cerebrum, linking the regions for planning and decision-making with the regions for sight and speech.
Women, on the other hand, have more connections between each hemisphere, allowing the two halves of the brain to share information more easily. In the cerebellum, the brain’s physics and motion calculator, the opposite was true—men had more connections between the two hemispheres, and women had more connections within each hemisphere.
The study found minimal gender differences in children under the age of 13, but the differences were much more distinct by age 17. Many brain wiring changes occur during puberty, and men and women seem to develop differently. [emphasis added]
“Brain Facts To Know And Share: Men Have A Lower Percentage Of Gray Matter Than Women[352]”
Did you know women have a higher percentage of gray matter than men? And, not only do men have more white matter, percentage-wise, they also have more cerebrospinal fluid.
According to the researchers, the “results suggest that male brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action, whereas female brains are designed to facilitate communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes.” [emphasis added]
“Intuitive processing modes” may be what helps women find things in the refrigerator better than men can. A woman married without seeing her husband’s house. “The living room was full of tires,” she said. A man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them. “It took a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went slowly and carefully instead of just taking over his house. As he learned to trust her to find socks, underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Our brain cells connect into “neural clusters” which store memories, hear sounds, process images the eyes see, and do many other things to keep us alive. The way brain cells connect determines how the brain operates. Hormones carried in the blood to the brain also affect thinking. The adrenalin rush to the brain in times of fear can bring tunnel vision to focus on the threat and help you see more clearly[353]. A woman’s hormones change during pregnancy and during her monthly cycle; this also affects her brain.
“Hormonal Influences on Cognitive Function[354]”
Hormones are the chemical regulators of the human body and function critically to maintain various processes, such as growth, emotions and even cognition. Numerous studies have examined the relationship between hormonal effects and cognitive function; these studies have investigated different factors, such as aging, pregnancy, post-natal states, emotions and stress. Different types of hormones produce different outcomes for the human body and mind.
… sexual hormones … are commonly associated with cognitive function …
“Menstruation And The Female Brain: How Fluctuating Hormone Levels Impact Cognitive Function”[355]
Days before your period you may feel as if you’re walking around in a mental fog. During premenstrual syndrome (PMS), hormones begin to fluctuate and alter the levels of brain chemicals that keep you balanced and alert, but what exactly happens to the brain during your period?
Usually, after the first few days, there will be a surge of estrogen levels that will stimulate the release of endorphins that eliminate the mental change or hormonal cloud present during PMS.
“Estrogen levels are closely linked with women’s emotional well-being as estrogen affects parts of the brain that control emotions,” Dr. Ben Michaelis, a clinical psychologist in New York City and author of “Your Next Big Thing,” told Medical Daily.
The rise in estrogen levels during the menstrual cycle deters women from impulsive decision-making. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Neuroscience found greater increases in estrogen levels across the menstrual cycle compared to impulsive behavior during the beginning of menstruation when estrogen levels are low.
When God made us male and female, He structured our brains as differently as our muscles.[356] These differences help husbands and wives fulfill the different roles God gave us in forming families. A woman’s holistic thinking treats the family, house, and children as one complicated picture where she can quickly see anything that’s going wrong and helps her find items in the refrigerator. This helps her keep her babies alive, but makes her easy to interrupt. A man is harder to interrupt. He focuses strongly as he must get his seeds planted at the right time, he must complete the harvest at the right time, or he must focus on a game trail to make sure he can shoot any edible animal that comes along.
God gets servants when the servants He has bear children and raise them to serve Him. The differences in the way we think makes women better mothers than men are and helps improve decision quality in the home if husbands take advantage of the diverse thought processes God built into wives.
Psalm 68:6 explains that God loved us enough to put solitary people in families. If you don’t see how something about your spouse’s basic nature blesses you and your family, that’s your problem, not God’s. Pray to ask Him for wisdom to see why your spouse blesses you – that’s a promise He will fulfill (Jas. 1:5[357]).
Chapter 18 – Ruth’s Rules for Finding Rest in Marriage
God made both salvation and marriage. If you try to get to Heaven your own way instead of God’s way, you go to Hell when you die. If you try your own way of marriage instead of God’s way, you can make life Hell on earth. Our culture has become so confused about marriage that we must review God’s definition:
And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder
. Matthew 19:4-6
In God’s eyes, marriage is one man and one woman serving each other until one of them dies (Ro. 7:1-3).
Titus 2:4-5[358] teaches older women to teach younger women about husbands and children. The Book of Ruth shows how Naomi helped Ruth get married; the wife’s mother in the Song taught her daughter how to stay married. A woman should seek to learn from a godly grandmother who hasn’t been divorced.
Song 2:16 says, “My beloved is mine, and I am his,” Song 6:3 says “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” God expects men and women to die to themselves, to give up their independence, belong to each other, and be no more twain, but one flesh (Mt. 19:6[359], Mk. 10:8[360]) just as they were one flesh before God separated Eve out of Adam’s body (Gen. 2:21-22[361]). It’s hard to give up your wants in favor of someone else and belong to your spouse, but that’s what God teaches (Song 2:16[362], 6:3[363], 7:10[364]).
A man expects that marriage means he can have his wife whenever he’s able to take her, a woman expects that marriage means that he’ll open his heart to her whenever she’s able to talk. God created women because it’s not good for men to be alone (Gen. 2:18[365]). God had many reasons for giving women a drive to talk, but one reason was that a woman will keep her man from being alone by talking to him.
It’s hard for a woman to please her husband unless he talks to her enough for her to know what he wants. A woman feels defrauded if her husband won’t open his heart to her when she wants to talk – it slices her heart like a knife. She feels as defrauded as her husband feels if she won’t open herself to him whenever he wants her (I Cor. 7:3-5[366]). A woman can’t decide when her husband needs her and he can’t decide when she needs him. Both parties must sacrifice to serve the other. Did you marry to get, or did you marry to give?
It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there. It’s equally simple to have a good marriage – die to yourself one day at a time, repeat until you die.
A man may talk during courtship, but once he’s married, he believes it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk any more. The Bible says 4 times that giving herself to a man humbles a woman (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). The emotional cost of opening herself is so high that she finds it hard to give herself as often as he wants unless she’s convinced that he belongs to her and that he likes belonging to her.
THE SACRIFICIAL COST OF A HUSBAND
Ladies, having a man in your life is a lot of work and sacrifice. Many marriages break down when the woman finds out how much her husband costs after they’re married, decides he isn’t worth that, and walks out.
You won’t find rest in marriage to a man who won’t let himself belong to you. This makes your burden harder to bear. A good husband belongs to you. If a man belongs to you, if he nourishes and values you as God’s gift to him, you’ll find rest in belonging to him and you won’t mind the cost of belonging to him.
I Corinthians 7:28 says, “if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh:” The Bible warns that having a man in your life with all that involves brings trouble. Marriage is so much trouble that the Bible says not to marry unless you must:
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good
for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain
, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:8-9
The Bible says it’s good for women not to marry and that it’s not good for men to be alone. Is marriage harder on women than on men? God meant marriage to bless men and women, but we must do it His way.
God Teaches Women How To Marry
Ruth was a widow and knew what a husband would cost; she knew she wanted to marry. A woman should marry only if she wants to belong to one specific man badly enough to cover his costs. If he isn’t worth it, don’t marry. Ruth’s story shows salvation, but it’s also a handbook how to get married, if you want to.
There’s no book telling men how to get married, in fact, I Corinthians 7:27 tells men not to look for wives. Proverbs 14:1 warns, “a wise woman buildeth her house.” The Bible says nothing about men building houses; older women will tell you that men simply can’t build houses. It’s the woman’s job to build her house because her husband can’t; and she lays the foundation before marriage.
There are many different marriages, but successful marriages follow the same rules given in the book of Ruth. It shows how Ruth set a firm foundation for her house before Boaz took her to wife. Maybe 80% of success or failure in marriage is determined by what goes before, and 90% of that is how the woman conducts herself. Proverbs 31 teaches that a virtuous woman is beyond price. A woman sets her price by what she does. If a man can have her for the price of a few dinners, she isn’t worth much. If he can have her without marriage, what would marrying give him that he doesn’t already have?
Before dating, ask him to agree that the purpose of being together is to determine whether he and she will marry, his life for her life. “A wise woman buildeth her house,” starting before marriage. Today’s women won’t do exactly as Ruth did because cultures are different, but God’s principles don’t change. Few young people are taught how to get married; you can save people a lot of grief by helping them avoid divorce.
The Reality of Marriage
Building successful marriages starts with knowing what marriage is. The Bible explains in one verse, page 111:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
The man pays the bills, they vow, he takes her to wife, he loves her, and she comforts him. A husband houses and supports his wife and their children. Comforting a husband takes a lot of emotional energy; a husband must convince his wife daily that he loves her to give her enough emotional energy to comfort him.
Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God
. I Corinthians 10:31
Doing all to the Glory of God builds a successful marriage. You were created for the glory of God and your spouse was created for the glory of God. You’ll have to ask yourself, “Will doing this help us glorify God, or will it hinder?” Can you ask yourself that? Can you do all things to help your spouse glorify God?
That’s the main cost of marriage—becoming one with your spouse as God expects means that you give up your desires, wants, and needs in favor of your new family. It’s humbling to belong to your husband. You have to humble yourself to accept salvation; you must humble yourself in marriage. Can you die to your wants and do all things to help your husband glorify God? Do you want one particular man that badly?
BACKGROUND OF THE BOOK OF RUTH
Many sermons call Boaz the “kinsman redeemer.” Some describe him as a type of Christ who redeemed Ruth, who was not of God’s people, into the body of believers. Boaz had nothing to do with Ruth joining God’s people. Ruth chose to follow God when Naomi told her to return to her family to find a husband:
And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God
: Ruth 1:16
For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. Romans 10:10
This wasn’t “easy believism.” Ruth didn’t just talk the talk of belonging to God; she walked the walk from Moab to Israel. Boaz wasn’t involved in her salvation or redemption; she chose to follow God.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23
Boaz is in the family line that led to Christ (Mt. 1:5[367]), but we know little about most of them. God put details of Boaz’s life into the Bible because he married a woman virtuous enough not only to choose to belong to God but also to be drawn into the family line that led to Jesus Christ.
Casting Boaz as Ruth’s redeemer makes him the main character, but it’s the Book of Ruth, not the Book of Boaz. With Ruth as main character, it reads as a romance novel – poverty stricken widow goes to a strange land to draw nigh to God (Jam. 4:8a[368]), works hard, doesn’t date around, marries a rich guy, becomes the great-grandmother of King David, and is in the genealogy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Boaz’s mother Rahab (Mt. 1:5) was another foreign woman who believed in God (Jos. 2:8-13) and married into the line of Christ. God accepts all who call on Him, but they must call for themselves:
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him
. Hebrews 11:6
Naomi’s advice to Ruth how to get married takes up a major part of the book whereas the mother’s advice to her daughter how to stay married takes only one verse (Song 8:3[369]).
Naomi gave the woman’s view of marriage as she told her daughters to go back to their families:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery. Wives depend on husbands for food in a muscle-powered society with no “safety net.” Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
: Eat and drink
, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee
. Proverbs 23:7
A man can pay a woman’s expenses without giving his heart to her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7[370]) – Naomi wanted her daughters to find appreciative husbands who liked nourishing and cherishing them.
Experience shows that 80-90% of how a marriage works depends on how a man treats his wife, but 80% of that depends on how she sets her value by her conduct before marriage (Pr. 31:10[371]). A man who thinks he might want to marry a good woman should learn how Boaz honored Ruth so that she wanted to marry him. A woman who wants to marry should consider Ruth’s Rules for marriage:
RULE # 1 – PREPARE TO GLORIFY GOD WITH YOUR HUSBAND
Ladies, the main question in deciding whether to let a man take you to wife is does he help you glorify God? The foundation for glorifying God with your husband is glorifying God yourself before you meet him.
But seek ye first
the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Did Ruth seek first the kingdom of God? Naomi moved to Moab with her husband and sons, the sons married, the men died leaving three widows. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she tried to send her daughters back to their families where they’d find husbands, but Ruth wanted Naomi’s God:
And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Ruth’s parents would find her a husband, but nobody in her hometown believed in God. Ruth had been told she wouldn’t find a husband if she stayed with Naomi, but Ruth knew it was better to have God without a husband than to have a husband without God. Young ladies, do you believe that? Ruth could have said, “I prayed the prayer, I’m saved, I’ll let my parents find me a husband.” She said, “thy God my God” instead.
Ruth swore allegiance to Naomi’s country, to Naomi’s home, to Naomi’s people, and to Naomi’s God. Ruth summed up what marriage vows mean to your husband as she sought the kingdom of God. In this day of women’s liberation and political correctness, you may not realize what your man believes you’re promising him. It doesn’t matter what marriage vows you write. You need to know what he thinks you’re promising him.
Let’s take it one promise at a time. Ruth said, “whither thou goest, I will go,” your husband expects that you’ll go wherever he goes. How many women wanted to spend six dusty months in a bumpy covered wagon getting to Oregon? Very few, read their diaries. They didn’t want to go, but they went with their men. Ruth said, “where thou lodgest, I will lodge,” your husband expects that you’ll live wherever he puts you.
Call Him Lord
In addition to going wherever he goes and living where he puts you, your husband expects you to call him “sir” as Sarah called Abraham “lord” (I Pe. 3:6[372]). You’ll know your husband’s faults. The only way you can call him “lord” from your heart and reverence him the way the Bible commands (Eph. 5:33[373]) is to treat him as if he were perfect, as God treats you as perfect once you accept His offer of salvation (Heb. 10:17[374]).
If a man belongs to you lovingly and cheerfully, his love and grace bless you. If you submit to your husband lovingly and belong to him cheerfully, your love and grace bless him. This helps you bless others.
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God
. I Peter 4:10
God gave us His grace. If we’re good stewards of His grace, we’ll share His grace and pass it on! This is powerful testimony. As lost people see you offer your husband the same grace God gave you, as they see him nourish and cherish you by offering you the grace God gave him, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.
On a day-to-day basis, reverencing your husband means you’re the tail on his kite, you hold steady as he soars. Look at couples in cars. Who’s driving? It’s almost always the man. He goes where he wants, the woman’s along for the ride, even if it’s her car. If he wants to stop and do something, he stops and does it. If she wants to stop, she has to ask permission and doesn’t always get it. You can also read stories that men read such as anything by Louis L’Amour. Have you read “Flint,” or “Warrior’s Path?”
Ever see a John Wayne movie? He’s the hero. A crisis comes, his woman views with alarm, the hero says, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” He runs off and does it while she worries.
Some sayings have a secret half. Everybody knows, “If you can walk away, it’s a good landing,” from the early days when crashes were common. Few know, “And if you can re-use the plane, it’s a great landing.” There’s another part to “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do” which is so obvious that men don’t tell you. The complete phrase is, “I gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and you’re gonna clean up the mess.” It’s worse than that, when your man’s done doing what a man’s gotta do, he’s tired, so he takes a nap. You gotta clean up the mess, and do it quietly so you don’t wake him. Does this sound familiar?
Make Your Home His Home
You also have to make your home his home. I’ve a friend who married just after graduation from college; she’d never seen her husband’s house. “He carried me over the threshold,” she told me, “and the living room was full of tires.” He had 8 tires, 4 for each vehicle. Any grandmother can tell you a man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them when he needs them. “It took me a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and another two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went carefully and slowly instead of just taking over his house. As he came to trust that she could find his socks, his underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Picture this – you’ve been married a month and you’ve got your apartment looking just right. After supper, your husband tells you he’s going to drive his motorcycle up 3 flights into your living room so he can rebuild the transmission. You now do either the right thing or the wrong thing. You can say, “Over my dead body,” but if you say that, what do you say when he drives his motorcycle into your living room and starts working on the transmission? It’s hard to get men to talk at all, its bad tactics to say anything that shuts off discussion. At least he warned you, that’s better than average.
There’s only one right answer. You say, “Lets get a tarp and roll up the edges so your parts won’t get lost.” You needn’t mention that the tarp makes it easier for you to clean up the mess. At the store, you ask, “Are you going to clean your parts? Let’s get some disposable roasting pans.” That way you’re helping, you’re on his side, you’re part of the solution, and over time, he’ll learn to trust you.
This is more important than you know. Women build relationships through talk, men build relationships through shared experiences. Men tell stories to teach, that’s not how they relate. Men who were shot at 70 years ago get together to talk about it. They tell the stories over and over, but no matter how often a young man listens, he can’t join the group because he wasn’t there, it didn’t happen to him. If you want to relate to your man, you’ll have to share experiences with him. This gives you something to talk about. Fixing his motorcycle together in your living room is a shared experience that builds your relationship with him.
The Bible says of a virtuous woman, “She will do him good and not evil” (Pro 31:12).
Ladies, there’re two ways to get a man to do what you want. You can be “a continual dripping,” you can nag or rain on his parade enough, and you’ll get what you want. Samson told Delilah the secret of his strength because, “She pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death.” (Judges 16:16). That’s a way to deal with a man, or you can be like the virtuous woman,
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness
. Proverbs 31:26
Why shouldn’t he fill the house with motorcycles, you want to fill the house with diapers and baby toys, what’s the difference? A man thinks of home as a place to keep a woman. If you don’t convince him it’s his home, if you don’t make it the place he wants to be, he’ll find reasons to go other places. A man can work harder or go out with the boys instead of hanging around you, and you don’t want to be left all alone.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
This man is so eager to be home that he’s skipping! Is he rushing home to admire the curtains or to see neat stacks of towels in the linen closet? That’s not it. Ask an older woman why he comes home eagerly!
Belong to Him
Think about it. If he must work on his cycle, wouldn’t you rather he did it where you could help him and bond with him? Even with disposable roasting pans, it’s easier for you to wash the grease off his parts for him than for you to clean the bathtub or sink after he washes the parts. If you wash his parts, you not only help him, he will be known in the gates (Pr. 31:23). His friends say, “Your bike’s back on the road,” and he says, “My wife cleaned the chain!” That’s so unusual he’ll have to talk about it and amaze his friends.
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword
: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
Using a sword on a man drives him away. If you’re health to him it won’t take him long to see that you’re lots better than riding a motorcycle and he’ll choose to stay with you. Win him with words of health.
Be realistic. If a young wife eagerly helps her husband fix his motorbike in a crowded living room, washes his parts, hands him tools, looks over his shoulder, and really cares what he’s doing, how long will he work on the bike? How long before he gets distracted and finds something better to do? Fifteen minutes? Five?
Ladies, cleaning up after a man does what a man’s gotta do and being the tail on his kite are maybe 1/5 of the burden of having a husband. Older women should teach younger women how to love their husbands, love their children, and to guide their houses, that’s the rest of the yoke of being married. You must know what a man costs so you can decide whether belonging to a particular man will be worth what he costs. It’s difficult to glorify God with your husband and about your husband if he costs you more than he’s worth to you.
If you really want to marry, rule #1 is “seek ye first the kingdom of God” to get yourself ready to glorify God with your husband all your days. Rule #2 is what Ruth told Naomi:
RULE # 2 – GO WHEREVER HE GOES
whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Look in a mirror and watch yourself say that verse several times while thinking about him. If you can’t promise him Ruth’s vow from the bottom of your heart, if you aren’t eager to be the tail on his kite, if his kite has no string, or if you aren’t eager to follow him wherever he goes all your days, don’t marry him.
Women wonder if it has to be this way, “Why am I the tail,” they ask. The Bible tells you. Many men say that this passage means that a husband can lord it over his wife, but other verses say the opposite:
For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man
. I Corinthians 11:8-9
You’re the tail on his kite because God made you as God’s gift to your husband; he’s not made for you. He takes you to wife, you don’t take him to husband. The bride is given away; she’s the gift, not the groom.
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:22-24
The first words Eve heard from her husband-to-be were a bit possessive. Adam said that Eve was part of him, she belonged to him, he could have her whenever he wanted her, that’s what “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” means to a man. Men haven’t changed one jot since God brought Eve to Adam – men are still a bit possessive of their wives. God made women for men so very well that they’re worth wanting.
Adam called Eve “woman.” Did he ask her what she wanted to be called? He later named her Eve without asking her. Do men put labels on women? Who takes whose name? Have men changed?
Adam started out saying, “Want that! Gimmie!” Eve knew Adam appreciated her and that events would take their course as defined in Ruth 3:18. How many of you know Ruth 3:18? If you’re thinking of marriage, you’d better understand that verse:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest
, until he have finished the thing this day
. Ruth 3:18
What’s this, “will not be in rest”? Married women know why Boas wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that very day. Have men changed? Have men changed at all? Here’s what Ruth said to Boaz:
I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman. Ruth 3:9
Is the Bible clear about the basics of marriage, or what? Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother’s tent, he gave her a home, he took her, she became his wife, he loved her, and she comforted him. Ruth wanted Boaz to spread his coat over her and keep her warm, what does a woman want today? She wants her man to put his arm around her and keep her warm and safe.
You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket or shirt, she’s testing to see if he’ll keep her warm. What could be more basic? Adam said “Mine! Want! Gimmie!” Just like Adam, Boaz couldn’t be in rest. He took Ruth to wife that day, what’s simpler than that?
The idea of a woman wanting a man to keep her warm and a man not being in rest are the foundation of marriage, but that’s not enough. In 90% of the failed marriages today, it’s the woman who walks out; she’s not starving and she’s not cold. Why does she leave? It’s usually because she doesn’t find rest in her husband.
RULE # 3 – BE SURE HE GIVES YOU REST
Naomi told Ruth what’s more important than food or shelter. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she told her daughters not to come because they couldn’t find husbands. What did Naomi wish for them? She said,
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest
, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
Naomi wanted each daughter to find rest in her husband. She didn’t wish food, or shelter, or warmth, she didn’t wish romantic love, she wished rest. A woman needs food, shelter, warmth, love, praise, and conversation, but she also needs rest. Rule #2 is go where he goes, rule # 3 is be sure he gives you rest.
Women, given that you’re the tail on his kite, you better make sure this man will give you rest. If he gives you rest, you won’t mind motorcycles in the living room, a woman can handle anything a man does if he convinces her that he loves her as Christ loves the church. A good husband and a bad husband cost you about the same. The difference is that a good husband gives you rest so you don’t mind what he costs. A bad husband doesn’t give you rest so he isn’t worth what he costs. Note, giving you rest is not physical love. This is a supportive, serving, caring, sacrificial love that a man decides to give you, it’s not emotional or physical.
Before marrying him, you must know: does he give you rest, that is, does he love you and serve you as Christ loves the church? Do you want him hanging around the house? Can you rest while he’s in your house?
Strong defines the Hebrew word used in Ruth as “comfortable, ease, quiet, resting place, abode,” and states that the word applies particularly to marriage. Does “rest” mean that she doesn’t have to work? No, Ruth worked hard. This isn’t physical rest, its emotional rest, and a man owes it to his wife. Jesus said,
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest
unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
“Rest” in the phrase “the man will not be in rest” is a Hebrew word which means, “repose, idleness, quietness,” which Boaz couldn’t have until the thing was done, he couldn’t rest until he’d taken Ruth to wife.
How does a wife find rest? A man can’t give his wife spiritual rest, that comes from her belonging to Christ, but Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…” The rest Christ gives His people is like the rest men should give their wives. As men find rest in Christ, wives should find rest in husbands. Accepting salvation means taking Christ’s yoke upon you and trying to please Him.
Men, when a woman marries, she takes your yoke upon her. The married woman cares how she may please her husband (1 Cor. 7:34). Men, your wife put on the yoke of pleasing you, a woman can’t rest unless her man shows her over and over that he’s happy with her and resting in her. Women, be careful about rest. Some men don’t find rest in Christ, they think God has a checklist and waits to whack them if they step out of line or miss a box. Men who believe God’s a bully usually bully their wives and children, you don’t need that.
Husbands, is your yoke easy, is your burden light? Are you meek and lowly in heart toward your wives? Do you make it easy for your wife to learn of you? She can’t know she’s pleasing you unless she knows you well. As the years go by, do you spend hours and hours explaining the cares of your heart as you spend hours and hours in Bible reading to learn of Christ? Does your wife find rest unto her soul in your house? We’re to love our wives as Christ loves us, a husband’s obligations are plain, if difficult.
If she runs out of diapers, toys, or food, buying anything in a picnic spot is expensive and she’ll be criticized for poor planning. She can’t rest unless she knows the plan in detail.
Rest from Criticism
About a year before I found her, my wife thought she’d marry a man she’d known for several years. He looked good. He was a youth group leader and served in the church, but there was a problem – he could be very negative. Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time at church with the man she loved. Other weekends were awful because he tore her down. She never knew how their “dates” would go. She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected.
Her parents had always loved and encouraged her and she had been an outgoing person before she met him. They were quite worried at seeing her become so withdrawn and so uncertain from being around him.
Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew his family. He confirmed that her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way that she would ever be able to make him happy. The missionary pointed out that it would be a bad idea to marry him. When she asked her boyfriend about the matter, he huffed, “That’s the way I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” and stopped seeing him.
What was her mistake? She had failed to guard her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God! Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
Your heart defines your life, but you’re supposed to rule your emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Keep your heart by giving it to God. Her boyfriend’s heart was not right toward her; criticism and ingratitude flowed from his mouth to her hurt. She didn’t want to go through that again. From the first, she tested me to see if I’d criticize her and I didn’t. When we visited her parents after our 3rd date, they knew that she’d changed. Her mother thought, “She feels safe with him. They’ll be married pretty soon.”
She did her very best not to love me while we were dating. I didn’t know she wasn’t in love when she agreed to marry me. I was interesting, I had a job, I was smitten, I gave her rest, I ruled her gently, I protected her, and she was convinced that I was the man God wanted her to marry. That was enough for her.
The idea of marrying for love is maybe a century old. Before that, people married for duty. A farmer couldn’t eat unless a woman turned his crops into something edible, and a woman couldn’t farm. They needed each other. Love might or might not come. Love has strong days and weak days, but duty goes on.
God expects you to marry for duty and keep your heart until he’s committed himself to you.
Based on her experience with her boyfriend, she knew that she would come to love me. She asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
I need this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man she loves. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why hang around her.
Women are unbelievably sensitive. Many of my wife’s friends say they get no praise at all from their husbands. “He’ll say he liked the dinner and he appreciated my taking care of his friends, but….” There’s always a “but.” Her friend is in such fear of the coming “but” that she can’t hear the praise. The world’s way of ending with the negative destroys. The Bible says “the fool … but the wise…” or “the wages of sin is death, but…” The negative comes first, then the positive. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife! As salvation is “Only believe,” marriage is “only praise” see page 17.
If you’ve given your wife rest, you can say, “That last plan didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” You are the leader and she probably did it to please you. If you take responsibility for what happened, the fact that it didn’t work well won’t hurt her as much.
Let me give you an example. We were having lunch at church and my wife was cooking green beans. It’s a lot of work to prepare beans. You break off one end, pull off the strings, and break them just so.
Then she tried to help a friend in distress. This takes attention and focus. She helped her friend but the beans burned. I ate them and appreciated them. Regardless of how the beans worked out, I appreciated her work. What’s more important to God, helping heal her friend’s distress or a few beans? She must exercise her gifts of helping as we glorify God together. Some of her fruit will rebound to my account.
Rest from Worry
A wife’s rest isn’t only physical, it’s emotional and spiritual, and the Book of Ruth shows how. Ruth and Naomi got to Palestine at the beginning of barley harvest (Ruth 1:22). They had no money, no job, and no food. Ruth went out to glean, that is, pick up what’s left by the harvesters. Boaz gave Ruth a taste of rest that day.
Have you watched farmers harvest crops by hand? I grew up in Japan in the 50’s. Japan was bombed flat during WW II, there was no farm machinery, men and women harvested grain by hand. It’s grinding, killing work. You cut the stalks at ground level because you need the straw. You bend over, cut a bunch, tie it into a sheaf, and put it in your bag. Then you do another one and another, all day every day until it’s done.
Gleaning is worse. Harvesters get grain in bunches, gleaners find one stalk at a time. Scatter spaghetti all over the yard. You see a stick, you bend over, pick it up, straighten up, you walk a bit and see another and grab it – how long before you get enough for dinner, one stick at a time? Next time you buy groceries, thank God Almighty you don’t have to do as Ruth did by faith that God would give her enough to eat.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen
. Hebrews 11:1
Faith is based on what we can’t see, it’s not fact until we look back and see what God did in caring for us.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5 That happened when Ruth’s husband died.
It took great faith for Ruth to leave Moab for Israel when she’d been told she wouldn’t find a husband. When Ruth went to glean, Ruth 2:3 tells us “her hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto Boaz.”
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 Something that seems bad can be a real test of faith.
By “hap,” scripture tells us that there was no logical reason Ruth could see to choose Boaz’s field to glean. We know she did it well. Boaz asked about her:
And the servant that was set over the reapers answered and said, It is the Moabitish damsel that came back with Naomi out of the country of Moab: and she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now
, that she tarried a little in the house. Ruth 2:6-7
Ruth “continued even from the morning until now,” Boaz knew Ruth worked hard.
Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee
? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn. Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? Ruth 2:8-10
Boaz was kind to Ruth, he gave her water, he told his men to leave her alone, and she asked why. When a man’s nice, it’s a good idea for a woman to ask why, particularly when he tells other men to leave her alone. Instead of ignoring her as men often do when women ask “Why?” he opened his heart to her, he told her why:
And Boaz answered
and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. Ruth 2:11
Boaz cared for Ruth because she trusted God enough to travel to a strange land where she had no hope of marrying. He respected her character; he valued her trust in God. What a testimony in the town! He said:
The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust
. Ruth 2:12
Boaz saw that Ruth’s faith in God was strong enough to overcome fear of rejection or starvation. When Naomi told Ruth who Boaz was, Ruth could see that God had guided her. That made her faith fact. We follow God in faith that obeying Him will work out, then we look back and see how He made it happen. Each step of faith makes the next step easier.
Boaz valuing Ruth’s faith is Biblical:
Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised
. Proverbs 31:30
But seek ye first
the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Why did Ruth go with Naomi? Naomi told her she wouldn’t find a husband and might starve that winter without one. Ruth sought the kingdom of God first; it’s no surprise that all these things were added unto her.
So if you must marry, we have three rules of getting married: 1) seek ye first the kingdom of God in faith that God will guide you, 2) understand that you’re made for him so you’re the tail on his kite, and 3) make sure he values and respects you so that you can find rest in his house.
Marriage happens because women want a man’s appreciation and men can’t be in rest, but women need rest in marriage. When Boaz told the reapers to drop a few bundles of grain for her so she wouldn’t have to work as hard, Ruth knew that Boaz appreciated her and valued her enough to help her rest a bit.
The book of Genesis tells us a lot about how men and women get along. Consider Adam’s punishment:In the sweat of thy face
shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
Adam was to eat by the sweat of his face. Not just his brow, his entire face.
How would Eve eat? By the sweat of Adam’s face. Until recently, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her and her children or she’d starve. That’s why relationships are so important to a woman – her tie to her man was life or death. That’s why it meant so much to Ruth when Boaz praised her walk with God. When Boaz not only fed her but had the reapers drop bundles for her, she rested in the knowledge that he was inclined to feed her. That’s why she was glad to obey Naomi when Naomi told her to ask Boaz to marry her.
Starvation is rare now, but there’s another fear. A few months after we married, a colleague and I left work and realized we’d forgotten to discuss a problem. Instead of going back in, we talked in my car for several hours. When I got home, my wife was in tears. I didn’t arrive when she expected, she called the office and was told I’d left. She thought something had happened to me. I was stunned, awed, and humbled to see how important I had become to her. I try to let her know where I am so she knows I’m okay.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment
. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
A woman wants her love for her husband to be perfect. A man should never let her be tormented by fear.
Rest from Praise and Appreciation
Which single Bible passage says the most about how to have a happy marriage?
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her
. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Praise is important to women, read Solomon’s Song to learn how. Proverbs 31 describes a virtuous woman. Preachers say that there are few “Proverbs 31 women,” but forget how Proverbs 31 commands men.
Praise from husband and children is part of being a virtuous wife, it’s her due. Her works praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31). A woman can’t be a “Proverbs 31 wife” without praise from a “Proverbs 31 husband.” A man may work from sun to sun; a woman’s work is never done. How can she keep on keeping on? Praise is the gasoline that helps a woman go, and even a poor man can praise and think about her needs.
If, for example, a husband puts the toilet seat down or takes a quick swipe to clean a sink before the goo hardens, his wife appreciates his thinking of her as much as she appreciates not having to do it herself.
Ruth 1:9 says a wife should find rest in the home of her husband, Ruth 2:11-12 and 3:10 show Boaz giving Ruth rest, Pr. 31:28-29 tells husbands to teach children to praise their mothers and to add praise of their own. The Song teaches a man to give his wife rest by praising her in mind-numbing detail many times per day.
Naomi’s command to “sit still” in Ruth 3:18 comes right after Ruth came back from the party, she’s all fired up, she’s going to get married even if she doesn’t know who. I don’t have daughters so I’m not sure what a young lady does when she thinks a man’s interested in her, but the Bible tells what Ruth did,
And she told her all
that the man had done to her. Ruth 3:16
When the Bible says “all” it means “all.” I’ve been a husband since 1971; I know that when a woman tells “all,” she really tells all, women love details. Ruth told Naomi what Boaz was wearing, the tone of his voice, every word he said, and what she said, and where they were, and who was at the party, and what they all wore, and what they all said, and when she got done, Naomi could’ve been there.
Many men occasionally, well, not often, but occasionally, get a wee bit frustrated at their wives’ desire for detail. Me, too, I must confess, but over the years, I’ve become convinced that a woman’s concern for detail is of God and for very good reasons. Here’s proof that a woman’s mind is of God:
A prudent wife is from the Lord
Proverbs 19:14
“Prudence” means thinking, women think ahead in detail for good reason, a woman’s mind is from the Lord, the way your wife’s mind works is of God, don’t mess with her mind, guys, the way she thinks is of God!
All this detail, Naomi’s got the picture with words and music, what does she say?
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Ladies, that’s the best advice on getting married there is. “Sit still.” I say it again, “Sit still, do nothing, say nothing, just sit still.” That’s really all Naomi had to say. Ruth promised “wither thou goest I will go,” so Ruth had to obey Naomi as her own parent. Naomi was in charge just as your husband’s in charge after you marry, all Naomi had to say was “Sit still,” but Naomi went on. She added “my daughter,” to say, “I love you and I’m doing what’s best for you.” She explained, “For the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.” Learn from this, men. Paul told Philemon, “I have authority, I could command you but I’d rather persuade you.” As Naomi persuaded Ruth rather than commanding, as Paul persuaded Philemon rather than commanding, the Bible teaches that we should persuade our wives, our children, and everyone else rather than commanding (2 Cor. 5:11[375]), no matter how long it takes for them to understand.
That long? As long as it takes? Yeah, that long, and believe me, I know how long it can be. It’s not because women are difficult, the Bible says that women are made for men and that a wife wants to please her husband, but women think very differently from men. It takes time to understand what she’s saying, it takes time to explain what you want, and it takes time to persuade her that it’s best or for her to persuade you. God said that a woman’s mind is from Him. Men, be patient and longsuffering, her mind is of God.
You must persuade, Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” If your wife obeys without being persuaded, she’s in sin because she’s following you, a man, rather than following what God wants. Following a man instead of God is idolatry. Commanding a wife without persuading her leads to serious sin.
You must persuade your children as they get old enough to understand persuasion. If little kids don’t want to go to bed, you can pick them up, but what happens when they get bigger? You must punish rebellion, but you’ll have to persuade older kids that they need sleep, that they need to dress warmly in winter, and, most important, that the Word of God is the key to a contented life. Knowing when to punish and when to persuade is a very difficult issue in parenting. You can’t force conviction on matters of the heart through the world’s methods of command. All you can do is serve by example, persuade, and pray for conviction.
Naomi didn’t command Ruth to believe in God, in fact, she told Ruth to go home. Naomi had convinced Ruth about God so strongly that Ruth wanted God badly enough to go back to Palestine with her. You can’t just quote the Bible because it’s foolishness to unbelievers and to the religious who just prayed the prayer.
How can Jesus be both God and man? That’s illogical, you have to persuade by testifying about what God has done for you and for other people, showing them His grace, pointing out the results of what friends do, walking by faith no matter what God brings into your life, and showing that you care for souls.
God gives us soul liberty, even the liberty to choose to go to hell. Provoking your followers to wrath as condemned in Ephesians 6:4 shows that you may have denied soul liberty. Extra prayer, humility, servant leadership, and searching the scripture are needed in those cases. Try to get a competition going to see who can humble themselves the most and serve the most as opposed to struggling to be top dog.
Rest from Physical Rest
We’ve shown the emotional rest Naomi described. God also commands that women be given physical rest.
Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised. And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:2-5
Some complain that this is another of those ridiculous patriarchic passages that disrespect women. Why should giving birth, a natural and honorable process, make a woman unclean?
An unclean woman couldn’t wash dishes – they’d be unclean and nobody could eat off them. She couldn’t do laundry – the clothes would be unclean and nobody could wear them. She couldn’t do housework; she got time to rest and learn to know her new baby. She stayed home. This protects babies from infection.
Japanese mothers are told not to take a new baby out in public for 2 months and to discourage visitors.
“Man may work from sun to sun; women’s work is never done.” Women can be so driven to take care of their homes and to try to please their men that they don’t get enough rest. Men should watch out for that. God could have told men to make sure that their wives were able to rest, but He made it a matter of ritual impurity instead. Maybe men wouldn’t have listened otherwise? Did He have to make it a matter of law?
Without infant formula, nursing was the only way to keep a baby alive. I’ve been told that girl babies often have a harder time settling down to nursing than boy babies and that girls are smaller at birth than boys. It’s a major milestone for a mother when her baby holds enough milk to sleep through the night. If girls have a harder time nursing and they’re smaller, it would take longer for a girl to sleep through the night.
If that’s true, God knows all about it. What did He do? A mother got more time off when she gave birth to a girl than when she gave birth to a boy, 70 days versus 40 days. The extra month made it more likely that the newborn girl would sleep through the night before the mother had to resume her normal routine.
God honors women. Anna was the first to proclaim salvation (Luke 2:36-38[376]). A woman anointed Jesus’ body for burial (Mt. 26:12[377]). Pilate’s wife tried to persuade him not to crucify Jesus (Mt. 27:19[378]). Women were last at the cross (Mk. 15:47[379]) and first at the tomb (Jn. 20:1[380]). Women proclaimed the resurrection (Mt. 28:5-10). Women attended prayer meetings (Ac. 1:14[381]). Lydia was the first European to hear the missionaries, the first convert, offered lodging, and may have started a house church (Ac. 16:13-14).
Galatians 3:28 says, “there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” In modern culture, it’s hard for men and women to treat each other as people; gender attraction tends to creep into conversations. This leads to temptations and gives Satan an advantage. The Bible tells how:
Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity
. I Timothy 5:1-2
There’s nothing wrong with men and women talking to each other and having fellowship so long as they do it “with all purity.” It’s a good idea because they think so differently. In talking to other men, my wife found that I wasn’t nearly as strange as she’d thought, and the same worked for me, too.
These conversations must stay logical. Letting emotion into these talks opens impure doors. We can express emotions to the church body as a whole, but emoting to an individual of the opposite sex is perilous.
RULE # 4 – DON’T PLAY HARD TO GET, BE HARD TO GET
Having looked at the necessity of persuasion and getting rest, let’s explore Naomi’s advice to women.
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Naomi’s advice to wait doesn’t mean that women have to be passive about wanting to marry, not at all. Ruth crashed the party (Ruth 3:1-5) and asked Boaz to marry her. Ruth wasn’t being forward; having Boaz care for her was her right as his relative’s widow, but she had to choose the right time to ask.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; … a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. Ecclesiastes 3:1
I grew up in farm country so I know why Ruth had to wait before asking Boaz to marry her. Men are much more focused than women. When a baby chokes, the mother better hear no matter what she’s doing or the baby dies. God made women easy to interrupt. Men focus more strongly and can get testy when interrupted. The harvest was important, if they didn’t get enough, some would starve to death before the next harvest.
Moreover the profit of the earth is for all: the king himself is served by the field. Ecclesiastes 5:9
If there’s no food, nobody eats, not even the king. Ruth waited until “his heart was merry,” then she “came softly.” Why was Boaz merry? He’d finished the harvest, there was enough food, he wouldn’t starve that year, and he could rest a bit. He might even be open to think about lesser matters like marriage.
Men haven’t changed since Boaz or since Adam. What Naomi told Ruth after the party was rule # 4, “Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get.” There’s a saying, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that zing!” What’s the zing that makes marriage happen? The man can’t rest. If he has rest, why marry?
Toy or Treasure
There are only two possible modes when a girl interacts with a guy: 1) she can be his toy or 2) she can be his treasure. You’ve seen a little boy play with a truck. He pushes it this way and that, then, when he gets tired of it, he throws it away and grabs another. It is hard on girls when boys get tired of them and throw them away.
Young ladies want attention from men. If older women haven’t fulfilled God’s command to teach them about men, they tend to end up in fornication. Even secular writers know that this can be damaging. The book “Unprotected” by Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why this is so. To oversimplify, a woman tends to become emotionally involved when she gives herself to a man. It hurts her deeply when she finds that she meant nothing to him, and that in his mind, she was just an interchangeable toy.
Any boy can play with her; it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or treasure, play or stay are the only possibilities. If a girl doesn’t want to be treated like a toy, she must insist that he treat her as a treasure and potential wife from before the first date.
A Misconception About Conception
There’s another common error – many girls think a man will marry her if she has his baby.
And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love m
e. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons
: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing. Genesis 29:31-35
Poor Leah! It took three sons for her to learn that bearing Jacob’s sons wouldn’t make him love her.
But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away
from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 25:6
Abraham was a friend of God (2 Chr. 20:7, Isa. 41:8), yet he sent away women who had his babies without marrying. I asked a young lady why she thought he’d marry. “He’d have to marry me to be near his baby.”
Nonsense. She said she wanted to get married, but she moved in with him without marriage. To him, what she said about wanting marriage was a lie. She said she was on the pill, but she stopped taking it and told him he’d have to marry her. Now she’s a lying manipulator. Why marry someone like that?
Whose are the Children?
Here’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. When we were in the kid biz, a child might violate a rule, be called on it, and say, “Yes, I know.” If the child knew the rule, why break it? Because the rule was only head knowledge, it hadn’t gotten down into his heart.
Although a man may have some vague sort of head knowledge about the birds and bees, down in his heart, where it really counts, a man doesn’t believe he has anything to do with making babies. Your baby is clearly yours – you had it last – but what has your baby to do with him?
One reason God made men so possessive was to give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman and she encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she gets pregnant, her children will be his, too.
A woman gives her children a father by belonging thoroughly to him before they’re conceived, but he has a hard time valuing her enough to value her children as God expects of him if she gives him rest out of season.
Having my wife decide to belong to me changed everything. A woman told me, “You have cat tracks on your car.” She was clearly asking a question, so I said, “They’re my wife’s cats.” Her questioning look got deeper, so I said, “Long ago, she made a conscious decision to belong to me. She’s mine, so her cats are mine.” Her face cleared, she nodded, and walked away. I had answered her question.
RULE # 5 – GET ADVICE FROM A GODLY GRANDMOTHER
Rule # 4, don’t play hard to get, be hard to get, gets to rule # 5, get advice from an older woman. Ruth had been married, she knew what men wanted, but she took Naomi’s advice. Naomi told Ruth when to plant by gleaning with Boaz; Naomi told Ruth when to pluck up that which was planted by crashing the party.
Women need advice about men; when they’re on their own, they usually mess up. Ruth could’ve asked Boaz the day she got back, Ruth’s rights didn’t change during the harvest, but Naomi had Ruth wait. Boaz was focused on the harvest; the last thing he wanted was wedding talk when he was worried about starving. Ruth waited until Boaz got to know her and until his “heart was merry;” when she asked him to marry her, he wanted to do it. Being wanted and appreciated gave Ruth rest.
Here’s another area where Ruth took advice. When Naomi told Ruth to go to Boaz’ party even though she hadn’t been invited, Naomi told Ruth to get all dressed up:
Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, Ruth 3:3a
Boaz had gotten to know Ruth as she worked the harvest and he’d shown that he respected Ruth the day they met. Once Boaz respected her, then it was OK for Ruth to look her best. Girls, it’s a bad idea for you to do anything special to attract a man’s attention at the beginning. Suppose it works, then what? What’ll you do when you’re too busy, or too tired, or too pregnant to do whatever it was that attracted him? Girls, unless a man comes after you on his own just the way God made you, God won’t want to give you to him.
If you worry too much about your looks, it’s easy for a man to flatter you and win your heart by saying you look good. Don’t we talk about a man “feeding her a line?” Seek to put on a meek and quiet spirit. A meek and quiet spirit is of great price in the eyes of God (I Peter 3:4[382]), and the right man treasures it too.
Does He Praise You
Let’s look at rest a bit more in the context of getting advice. You may not always understand what a man means by what he says to you, particularly if you’re falling in love with him. You need for your husband to appreciate you and that’s where you need advice. Tell an older woman what he says and she’ll help you figure out if he truly appreciates you. Someone your age can’t help you with that.
Men, a woman can give a man physical rest under pretty much any circumstances but she can’t give her man rest unto his soul unless he first gives her rest. A wife can’t make you any happier than you make her.
A woman can’t give her husband rest unless she’s happy about belonging to him and giving him rest. She can’t be happy about belonging to him unless he values her and appreciates her, and it’s hard to value her if she gives him rest outside marriage. The Bible explains how a man should give his wife rest so that she can give him complete rest, but a woman can’t create rest or love by herself. A woman’s like a mirror, she magnifies her husband’s love and rest back to him, she’s not a light.
If her man makes her feel appreciated, if he makes her feel respected and valued, if he gives her peace and rest as Christ gives His people perfect peace and rest, she amplifies his rest and reflects enough love back to him to take care of the whole family. A wife can’t make rest from nothing; she can’t give rest if she isn’t given rest to begin with. How does a man give his wife rest? God explains:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
The Bible commands a husband to tell his wife that she’s far better than any other wife he knows. It also commands a man to sanctify his wife, that is, to set her apart from all other women:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify
and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, Ephesians 5:25-26
Does He Sanctify You
Men should sanctify wives as Christ sanctifies the church. Sanctification means “set apart,” a husband must know his wife well enough to separate her from other women, especially when taking her. Men get so intense that a woman may think, “Anybody would do.” Some men say, “All cats are gray in the dark.” This suggests that men don’t sanctify women even though Song 6:9 teaches a man to think of his wife as “but one.” Would God command men to sanctify wives if it were natural? It isn’t, a man must purpose in his heart to do it.
A man must possess his wife in sanctification. He must let her know he desires her as a person, a mind, a set of skills, a help meet, a companion, not just a body. If a wife doesn’t feel sanctified, she feels she’s fornicating because she could be any woman. A man sanctifies his wife by praising her in detail, read Solomon’s Song. If he notices and praises small details, she feels he’s paying attention and that he values her.
In any case, Boaz couldn’t be in rest, he wanted Ruth, so he married her, took her, and she was his wife.
We have 4 of Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than a husband without God. 2) Know that you’re made for him, he’s not made for you, when he does what a man’s gotta do, you gotta clean up the mess. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you as Boaz respected and honored Ruth so you won’t mind cleaning up after him. 4) Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get. When he can’t be in rest, just let it happen, don’t give him rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice!
RULE # 6 – MAKE SURE HE OPENS HIS HEART TO YOU
Hear it again, make sure he opens his heart to you. Women live and die by relationships. A wife relates to other women to share knowledge about how to raise children and how to keep husbands happy. A wife wants to know that the bonds are strong. It hurts her deeply if her husband won’t open his heart to her. For generations, a woman could live only by the sweat of her husband’s face. A woman whose relationship ended through death or desertion could starve. That’s why God gave special provision for widows and the fatherless.
God knows that opening his heart is as frightening for a man as opening her body can be for a woman.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her
, so that he shall have no need of spoil
. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
It’s safe for a man to open his heart to a virtuous woman who will do him good and not evil. Some say “no need of spoil” means that the man shouldn’t be interested in other women; Song 6:9 agrees. Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven right here on earth, but few realize that she can make him no happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[383]). Few men know how badly women need open hearts.
My wife teaches that a man expects to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. That’s simple, but not easy. It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but it’s not easy.
He wants you to open your body to him. You want him to open his heart to you. He wants to put himself into your body. You want to put yourself, your words, your thoughts, and your feelings, into his heart.
He leaves his seed inside your body where it affects your mood and can give you a baby. You want to leave your essence, your being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about you, how he treats you, and how he relates to everyone else. People can tell you belong to each other by looking at you or hearing you.
There’s no simple formula for a man to keep a woman happy because women aren’t nearly as alike as men are. If he opens his heart to her as sincerely, as deeply, as widely, as patiently, as attentively, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open her body to him, they will come to belong to each other. Once they belong to each other, they can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
When Boaz opened his heart to Ruth and praised her Godliness, Ruth knew he respected and valued her. He told the young men not to mess with her, he protected her, he gave her water and lunch, he provided for her; she rested near him and worked with his people through the harvest. When she asked for his coat:
And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men
, whether poor or rich. And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest
: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman
. Ruth 3:10
Boaz liked Ruth asking him to marry her. He wanted her for her virtue, her character; everybody knew she was a virtuous woman. Don’t you think other women were interested in him? Boaz knew Ruth “followedst not young men” she wasn’t dating around. Boaz knew Ruth sought God. God made women for men. Boaz knew that a woman who works hard, acts modestly, and seeks God makes a good wife, so he married her.
Society suggests beauty is the only thing that matters in women. Would you rather your husband praise your looks or that he value your walk with God? Boaz praised her character, he knew she sought God and valued her for it. You don’t want a man who doesn’t care whether you seek God no matter how attractive you are. If he only loves your looks, what will he do as you get older or pregnant and your looks fade?
A man won’t open his heart and won’t belong to you unless he respects you. “But,” you ask, “how will a man know to respect and honor me?” There are two ways, the right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is to date and hope he’ll respect you, maybe he’ll marry you. That doesn’t work. Look around and see if your friends’ relationships are working. They generally aren’t. How do you do it differently?
Here’s how my wife did it. We met at church, I told her I’d be away for a month but that I’d date her when I got back, and I asked her out the next time I saw her. She said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out at all, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether we should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends. I’m not a toy, I don’t want a man to play with me, I want a man to stay with me.”
I valued that and so has every man I’ve told. Men know they don’t understand women, men know that an unhappy woman is a hardship, a man worries about keeping you happy. If you state what you want clearly and simply and explain your needs before you date, a man can know whether he can give you rest or not.
Think about it from my point of view. Her telling me she expected to be a treasure for her husband was a great recommendation. What man wouldn’t want a woman who planned to be God’s treasure for him?
She wanted me to agree on why we were together. She put marriage on the table and insisted that I treat her as a treasure. I soon decided that she’d told the truth about being a treasure and took her to wife.
During my trip, my aunt asked if I knew any women, I said I’d just met one, but I wasn’t thinking marriage. When she mentioned marriage, I realized that marrying her might be a good idea, but without her bringing it up, I don’t know if I’d have thought of it.
Who mentioned marriage first, Boaz or Ruth? Men don’t always think of marriage, ladies, I didn’t, Boaz didn’t. My wife didn’t ask for marriage, she asked me to consider marriage; it’s in your interest to put marriage on the table before the first date. So what if he walks away? If he’s opposed to marriage, if your being God’s treasure doesn’t move him, you don’t want to fall in love with him. Guard your heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Ask God About Him
You must know whether a man respects you before marrying. Boaz showed Ruth respect by opening his heart and taking care of her, but how do you know? There are two steps in finding out, ask God, then ask the man.
Ye have not, because ye ask not. James 4:2b
Women ask for very little and that’s often what they get; my wife asked for respect and became my treasure. It’s hard to be a Biblical wife without your husband’s cooperation. God promises wisdom if you ask Him (II Chron. 1:11[384], James 1:5[385]). Pray fervently that God will show your friend’s heart before you fall in love. Pray that God will reveal any reason you and he shouldn’t marry, and obey what God shows you.
If you let God choose your husband, He’ll give you to a man who delights in you. It hurts a woman to marry a man who isn’t pleased with her. She’ll try something, he’ll like it, she’ll do something similar, and he won’t like it. She’ll second-guess, “Last week, he liked this, he didn’t like that…” If you find yourself constantly changing and hoping to please him, he probably isn’t the right man – the right man appreciates you as God made you. You’ll have to change your ways as you and your husband grow into your new life together, but it’s not a good idea to marry a man if you find yourself changing your basic nature to try to please him.
Ask the Man to Show Himself
After you ask God whether this guy will give you rest, it’s time to ask the man. You should have asked for respect from the beginning. If things look good, you’d better find out whether he respects your mind and your thought process before you’re too much in love to back out without being hurt.
God made you to be your husband’s help meet and you can’t help him unless he explains what he wants. I Cor. 11:9 says that you were made for a man and Gen. 3:16 says that your desire is toward your husband. How did God do this? How did God overcome your desire for independence and make you want to please a man? God gave you and almost all women an intense desire for a man’s praise. Why else have a man at all?
You want to please your husband (I Cor. 7:34[386]), but you can’t please him without knowing him. The Bible commands honoring your husband; it forbids fornication, theft, and adultery. In areas such as the car you drive or the school you attend, however, God gives us liberty to use our intelligence and free will.
As you and your husband make decisions, you’ll feel left out unless he asks your views and draws on your knowledge. Any man who ignores his wife’s gifts and knowledge when making decisions is a fool (Mt. 27:19[387]). God gave you a different way of thinking so that you could help him more effectively. Your womanly point of view helps make it less likely that you’ll overlook possibilities. What doesn’t occur to him may suggest itself to you, and vice versa, but you can’t help him if he won’t listen to you.
Ask his views on drinking coffee, dancing, movies, rock music, Bible versions, spanking children, TV, or women wearing trousers to see whether he discusses issues with you or just tells you. A woman has a hard time telling flattery from praise, it’s hard to tell whether he wants to toy with you or to have you be his treasure and take you to wife. If you tell an older woman what he says, she can tell a man who treasures you from a man who’s toying with you. A friend your age can’t do it; Naomi was a generation older than Ruth.
Ask him what Jacob should have done when he awoke and “Behold, it was Leah,” (Gen. 29:25). Most men say Jacob was right to demand Rachel because she was beautiful, but God looks on the heart instead of appearance. God let Laban trick Jacob into taking Leah to wife. All things work together for good to them who are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). Should Jacob have let God order his steps (Ps. 37:23[388])?
God doesn’t force people to follow His will. Jacob got what Jacob wanted (Ps. 106:15[389]), but he had four jealous women fighting for his attention. All but two of his children knew their father didn’t love their mother, how did that turn out? Contentment comes from yielding to the Master. Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Tim. 6:6), and Jacob found little contentment. Should he have been content with Leah?
Discuss Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11. Ananias wanted to keep back money, they discussed it, she agreed, they were struck dead. Some say they were co-conspirators, but the use of singular and plural in the passage shows that it was his idea and his wife agreed; that’s what submission is. A husband should get his wife’s agreement when making decisions. Sapphira was submitting to her husband’s idea when she was struck dead, does this teach that there are limits to your submission? Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin,” commanding you to do things you don’t agree with forces you to sin because you can’t have faith in what you do. You need to know whether he believes there are limits to your submission. Should you marry a man who believes that God wants you to obey him without question no matter what?
Ask him why God put this verse in the Bible:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Most men ridicule the idea of acting on a wife’s dreams, but Pilate should have listened. Does God ever try to tell a husband something by telling his wife (Judges 13:2-13)?
You must find out his beliefs about what women are. Men have two basic views of women, “last in creation, first in the fall” or “last at the cross, first at the tomb.” The first blames women for the fall; everything that ever goes wrong is a woman’s fault just as Adam blamed Eve:
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
A man who believes this thinks he’d be OK if his wife didn’t lure him to sin. The nicer she tries to be, the subtler he thinks Satan is and the harder he resists her. A woman who marries such a man dies inside.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
She yearns to please her husband and can’t, her bones dry and you see death in her eyes. But it’s a lie!
This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created
. Genesis 5:1-2
For Adam was first formed
, then Eve… I Timothy 2:13
Eve wasn’t last in creation; they were created on the same day as one creature in the image of God. They were one flesh while Adam named the animals. God then separated Eve out of Adam’s body into her own form. A wife completes her husband’s image of God when they become one flesh.
Wherefore, as by one man
sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: … For as by one man’s disobedience
many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:12, 19
Eve didn’t cause the fall, “one man” did. The fall came after they were separated into a man and a woman; Adam caused the fall. The 1st view of women is false. The 2nd view is Biblical; women were last at the cross and first at the tomb. Which way do you want your husband to think about you?
Ask who misquoted God. Comparing Gen. 2:17[390] with Gen. 3:3[391] shows that Eve misquoted God to the serpent. Eve didn’t get it from God, did Adam add to what God said? Exo. 19:10-11, 15[392] shows that Moses added “come not at your wives” to what God said to him. This was wrong: Heb. 13:4[393] says that the marriage bed is undefiled. Did Adam add to what God said as Moses did? The Bible doesn’t say who did it. “Adam was not deceived (1 Tim. 2:14);” he heard what the serpent said. Gen. 3:6 shows that Adam was there “with her.” Why didn’t he protect or “keep (Gen. 2:15)” her by correcting her or by stopping her talk with the serpent?
If he insists that Eve misquoted God even knowing what Moses did and that the Bible doesn’t say, can you follow him? Scripture says that a wife is a gift from God (Pro. 18:22[394], Mt. 7:11[395], Jas. 1:17[396]). Can he say from his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you?”
You need to understand his thought process. Does he listen to your views, combining your knowledge, experience, and beliefs with his, or does he shut off discussion, saying, “That’s the way it is”?
If he’ll discuss the Bible with you, not lecture you, but discuss it back and forth, if he’s willing to honor what you’ve found in the Bible, to gently point out areas where you and he disagree, to work hard to bring harmony, to respect your views when making decisions, and to honor your walk with God, you’ll be able to accept his leadership. You’ll have trouble resting in him if he won’t explain himself or if you can’t respect him.
CONCLUSION
Here are Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than to have a husband without God. 2) Realize that you’re made for him and he’s not made for you. You’re the tail on his kite, so you’d better be sure his kite has a string. If he has a string, the two of you can soar together, but if he has no string, you’ll bump along the ground and get all muddy. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you so you find rest in cleaning up after him and in belonging to him. 4) Be hard to get, don’t give a man rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice from an older woman no matter how old you are. 6) Make sure he listens to you by opening his heart to you and that he accepts your need to talk all your days.
Pr. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his future wife. Working mothers don’t have the time or the emotional energy to do that, so you’ll have to explain your needs.
Since you probably won’t meet a man who knows your reputation, you’ll have to declare that you’re a treasure up front and prove it by acting like a treasure. Treasures dress modestly instead of dressing in marketing mode and they don’t “date around” or flirt.
Make sure he respects your thoughts enough to give you rest, we’ve given ways to see if he respects what the Holy Spirit gives you. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, but it’s hard for a wife to be a treasure for a man who won’t give her rest.
This can also help fix broken marriages. Very few women have been taught to declare that they’re treasures. A woman should declare herself before marriage, but it’s never too late to declare that God meant you to be your husband’s treasure and start acting like it without nagging (1 Pe. 3:1-2[397]), nor is it too late for a man to start treasuring his wife and appreciating her as taught in the Song of Solomon and Proverbs 31:28-30. Remember, nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, not even once.
Can he say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If a man lives by that from the moment you meet until the day he dies, you will rest in belonging to him, and you can give him comfort in the same way Rebekah comforted Isaac (Gen. 24:67[398]). You can’t make your husband any happier than he makes you. How happy does he want to be?
[1] But the chief priests consulted that they might put Lazarus also to death; John 12:10
[2] But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men. Matthew 16:23
[3] But when he had turned about and looked on his disciples, he rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men. Mark 8:33
[4] And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly. Matthew 26:75
[5] And Peter went out, and wept bitterly. Luke 22:62
[6] I appreciated my wife more than my dad valued his because I was homeschooled. Pr. 31 is wisdom about nourishing and cherishing a wife that King Lemuel’s mother taught. Learning daily from my mother taught me to respect her, her knowledge, and her womanly way of thinking. She’d say, “I’m thinking of your future wife” as she explained some of her really odd ideas just as Mrs. Lemuel must have. I’m grateful for what she taught me about how to have “happy wife, happy life.”
[7] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[8] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[9] My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
[10] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
[11] Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
[12] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God’s husbandry, ye are God’s building. I Corinthians 3:9
[13] The business of a farmer, comprehending agriculture or tillage of the ground, the raising, managing and fattening of cattle and other domestic animals, the management of the dairy and whatever the land produces.
[14] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[15] Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8
[16] Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! Psalm 133:1
[17] Testifying both to the Jews, and also to the Greeks, repentance toward God, and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ. Acts 20:21
[18] Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. II Corinthians 5:17
[19] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[20] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[21] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[22] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[23] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; I Peter 3:1
[24] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; phesians 5:25
[25] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[26] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[27] The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever. Psalm 111:10
[28] The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding. Proverbs 9:10
[29] https://www.sciencealert.com/a-new-paper-claims-our-understanding-of-gravity-is-totally-wrong
[30] https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2017/09/15/proof-of-god-playing-dice-with-the-universe-found-in-the-suns-interior/?sh=2eff90203b03
[31] https://carnegiescience.edu/news/cosmic-accounting-reveals-missing-light-crisis
[32] https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2017/06/30/science-uncovers-the-origin-of-the-first-light-in-the-universe/
[33] “Matter arises from light? We finally know the answer to this question!” https://medium.com/@darkmatterarticles/matter-arises-from-light-we-finally-know-the-answer-to-this-question-84f3d30b0260
[34] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[35] Saying The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat: 3All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. Matthew 23:2-3
[36] O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called: I Timothy 6:20
[37] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[38] And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
[39] And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
[40] Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. Matthew 22:37
[41] And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
[42] And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
[43] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[44] A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13
[45] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[46] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[47] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[48] A person who was deliberately abused as a child or in an earlier relationship may have a hard time believing in good faith. In such cases, we can’t forgive in our own strength, we must ask God for strength to forgive, page 88, and urge the offender to seek God’s forgiveness. Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand on page 6 shows how He forgave His disciples when they went fishing instead of starting His church. He will forgive anyone who chooses to believe in Him and asks for His help.
[49] Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
[50] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:11-12
[51] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[52] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[53] Time Magazine, March 13, 2017, p 23
[54] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[55] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[56] And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
[57] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[58] Since Adam’s sin brought sin into the world, some people abuse their spouses and children, causing emotional or physical hurt deliberately. Abuse situations are very difficult to cure unless the abuser accepts the forgiveness of Christ and repents. The Apostle Peter advised that abusers may be won “without the word” by seeing forgiveness and love (1 Peter 3:1-2).
[59] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen who found that men want to solve problems whereas women seek affirmation that they’ve been understood. She also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[60] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
[61] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[62] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[63] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[64] The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
[65] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[66] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[67] But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. I Timothy 5:8
[68] And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart. I Kings 11:3
[69] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
[70] Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold. Deuteronomy 17:17
[71] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[72] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[73] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[74] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[75] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[76] For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:23
[77] Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: Romans 5:12
[78] For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23
[79] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[80] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[81] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[82] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[83] Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day. I Kings 8:61
[84] But the high places were not removed: nevertheless Asa’s heart was perfect with the LORD all his days. I Kings 15:14
[85] I beseech thee, O LORD, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. II Kings 20:3
[86] Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing. Psalm 100:2
[87] Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God, Romans 1:1
[88] Paul, a servant of God, and an apostle of Jesus Christ, according to the faith of God’s elect, and the acknowledging of the truth which is after godliness; Titus 1:1
[89] My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand. John 10:29
[90] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[91] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:14-15
[92] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[93] Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Romans 12:10
[94] For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Ephesians 4:12
[95] Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21
[96] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[97] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[98] Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
[99] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12
[100] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[101] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[102] How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:14
[103] Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, 20By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; 21And having an high priest over the house of God; 22Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrews 10:19-22
[104] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[105] Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
[106] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[107] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[108] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[109] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[110] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[111] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
[112] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
[113] I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? Job 31:1
[114] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
[115] Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
[116] Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11
[117] But godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6
[118] Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5
[119] But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. Deuteronomy 4:29
[120] work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. Philippians 2:12b
[121] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[122] Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. James 5:16a
[123] And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: 6For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Hebrews 12:5-8
[124]There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[125] Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
[126] For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 8:12
[127] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[128] And without controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory. I Timothy 3:16
[129] For if the blood of bulls and of goats, and the ashes of an heifer sprinkling the unclean, sanctifieth to the purifying of the flesh: 14How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:13-14
[130] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, I Peter 3:6a
[131] and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33b
[132] Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
[133] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[134] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29[saying] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[135] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[136] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song 6:9a
[137] A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh. Luke 6:45
[138] But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: Ephesians 4:15
[139] But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. Matthew 12:36
[140] Jesus taught forgiveness. Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22. I’ve been married longer than 470 months. Assuming she had to forgive me only once per month, she’s forgiven me more than 470 times. Does that mean she doesn’t have to forgive me any more? No, Jesus taught unlimited forgiveness.
[141] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[142] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[143] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[144] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[145] I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
[146] I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
[147] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[148] Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
[149] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her Proverbs 31:11a
[150] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[151] As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
[152] For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
[153] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God’s husbandry, ye are God’s building. I Corinthians 3:9
[154] This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
[155] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[156] A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
[157] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[158] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[159] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[160] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[161] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[162] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[163] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[164] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[165] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[166] That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; I Thessalonians 4:4
[167] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[168] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[169] I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[170] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[171] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[172] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[173] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
[174] The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, Deuteronomy 28:56
[175] Come down, and sit in the dust, O virgin daughter of Babylon, sit on the ground: there is no throne, O daughter of the Chaldeans: for thou shalt no more be called tender and delicate. Isaiah 47:1
[176] And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. Genesis 29:18
[177]Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[178] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[179] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[180] For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. Genesis 24:65
[181] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. Genesis 26:7
[182] Some wives are more interested in making love than their husbands. In that case, he must be careful to meet her needs.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
Scripture calls it fraud if either party fails to meet the other’s physical needs. This leaves them open to temptation.
[183] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[184] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[185] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[186] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[187] But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:9
[188] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
[189] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
[190] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[191] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[192] I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
[193] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[194] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[195] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
[196] Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
[197] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12
[198] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[199] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[200] How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:14
[201] Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, 20By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; 21And having an high priest over the house of God; 22Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrews 10:19-22
[202] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[203] Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
[204] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[205] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[206]Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[207] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[208] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[209] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[210] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[211] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[212] For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. Genesis 24:65
[213] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. Genesis 26:7
[214] Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
[215] Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
[216]Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[217] I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[218] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[219] There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. 9My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:8-9
[220] That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. Romans 10:9
[221] Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
[222] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
[223] So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: Ruth 4:13a
[224] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[225] If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain. James 1:26
[226] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. I Corinthians 7:3-4
[227] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[228] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[229] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[230] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[231] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[232] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[233] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[234] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[235] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[236] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[237] And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: Luke 20:34
[238] The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him. Proverbs 31:1
[239] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[240] For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:23
[241] Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. Luke 23:34a
[242] Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. James 4:8a
[243] And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12
[244] And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[245] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[246] And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[247] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[248] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[249] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[250] For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Matthew 7:2
[251] For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Matthew 7:2
[252] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[253] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[254] What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. I Corinthians 6:16
[255] For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. Ephesians 5:31
[256] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: Psalm 68:6a
[257] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[258] And when they found them not, they drew Jason and certain brethren unto the rulers of the city, crying, These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also; Acts 17:6
[259] Which shew the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and their thoughts the mean while accusing or else excusing one another;) Romans 2:15
[260] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[261] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
[262] God is angry with the wicked every day. Psalm 7:11
[263]As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: 11There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. Romans 3:10-11
[264] Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. I Peter 5:7
[265] Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5
[266] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:14-15
[267] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song 6:9a
[268] There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
[269] Jesus wept. John 11:35
[270] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[271] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. Matthew 11:23
[272] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:15
[273]He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 4Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. Isaiah 53:3-4
[274] Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
[275]Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. Titus 2:14
[276] This is a faithful saying, and these things I will that thou affirm constantly, that they which have believed in God might be careful to maintain good works. These things are good and profitable unto men. Titus 3:8
[277] Let no man seek his own, but every man another’s wealth. I Corinthians 10:24
[278] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[279] Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
[280] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. Song of Solomon 8:2
[281] And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:20
[282] Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
[283] And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: Luke 20:34
[284] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[285] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[286] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[287] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[288] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[289] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[290] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[291] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[292] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[293] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[294] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: Psalm 68:6a
[295] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[296] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[297] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[298] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[299] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
[300] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
[301] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[302] Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
[303] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[304] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[305] And they came in, and possessed it; but they obeyed not thy voice, neither walked in thy law; they have done nothing of all that thou commandedst them to do: therefore thou hast caused all this evil to come upon them: Jeremiah 32:23
[306] To fulfil the word of the LORD by the mouth of Jeremiah, until the land had enjoyed her sabbaths: for as long as she lay desolate she kept sabbath, to fulfil threescore and ten years. II Chronicles 36:21
[307] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[308] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[309] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[310] Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings. Proverbs 31:3
[311] It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: 5Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted. Proverbs 31:4-5
[312] Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. Proverbs 31:6-7
[313] Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. 9Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9
[314]A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
[315] There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
[316] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[317] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[318] And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; II Timothy 2:24-25
[319] (Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.) Numbers 12:3
[320] Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Proverbs 22:24
[321] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[322] An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression. Proverbs 29:22
[323] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Philippians 2:3
[324] Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30
[325] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[326] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[327] There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
[328] A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
[329] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[330] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4 especially his wife’s!
[331] And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:40
[332] Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. Matthew 25:45
[333] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[334] Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer. 11Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come. I Corinthians 10:10-11
[335] She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. Proverbs 31:18
[336] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[337] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[338] Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
[339] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[340] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
[341] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[342] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18, 20
[343] Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. I Thessalonians 5:11
[344] And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
[345] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[346] https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-politicization-of-motherhood-1509144044
[347] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[348] https://towardsdatascience.com/can-we-let-algorithm-take-decisions-we-cannot-explain-a4e8e51e2060
[349] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen, she also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[350] https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/04/190411154728.htm
[351] https://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-mens-and-womens-brains-wired-differently-120713
[352] https://www.medicaldaily.com/brain-facts-know-and-share-men-have-lower-percentage-gray-matter-women-292530
[353] https://goflightmedicine.com/on-combat/
[354] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6422548/
[355] https://www.medicaldaily.com/menstruation-and-female-brain-how-fluctuating-hormone-levels-impact-cognitive-341788
[356] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4285578/
[357] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
[358] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[359] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[360] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[361] And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Genesis 2:21-22
[362] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
[363] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
[364] I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[365] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[366] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:3-5
[367] And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; Matthew 1:5
[368] Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. James 4:8a
[369] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[370] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[371] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[372] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
[373] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[374] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[375] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences. II Corinthians 5:11
[376] And there was one Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Aser: she was of a great age, and had lived with an husband seven years from her virginity; 37And she was a widow of about fourscore and four years, which departed not from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. 38And she coming in that instant gave thanks likewise unto the Lord, and spake of him to all them that looked for redemption in Jerusalem. Luke 2:36-38
[377] For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Matthew 26:12
[378] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[379] And Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joses beheld where he was laid. Mark 15:47
[380] The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre. John 20:1
[381] These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren. Acts 1:14
[382] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:4
[383] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[384] And God said to Solomon, Because this was in thine heart, and thou hast not asked riches, wealth, or honour, nor the life of thine enemies, neither yet hast asked long life; but hast asked wisdom and knowledge for thyself, that thou mayest judge my people, over whom I have made thee king: II Chronicles 1:11
[385] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
[386] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[387] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[388] The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Psalm 37:23
[389] And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
[390] But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. Genesis 2:17
[391] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. Genesis 3:3
[392] And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, 11And be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. 15And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives. Exodus 19:10-11, 15
[393] Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4
[394] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[395] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[396] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[397] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. I Peter 3:1-2
[398] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
POSTED BY BILL TAYLOR AT 11:20 AM
5 COMMENTS:
Justus said…
You’r marriage will stand still, only with God’s full of loveAPRIL 3, 2021 AT 12:13 AM
Justus said…
Yes obeying God’s law brought blessings!!JULY 19, 2021 AT 1:02 AM
Unknown said…
Yes my father thank you so much for your words of God 🙏 am very happy for you and your work on God your welcome to visit in Uganda East Africa God bless you and your work on GodDECEMBER 29, 2021 AT 7:46 AM
Unknown said…
Thanks brother for deep sharing on marriage in fact it really inspirational, I would indeed love others to get an opportunity to read your message. May God give you more breath to write on this topic. Yes you will get many marriages started well but in between the lines things turns sour, probably it may be a man’s or woman’s fault. I am excited to read this artcleJUNE 19, 2022 AT 9:25 PM
Unknown said…
Yes indeed wonderful words for a far leading marriage, thanks for sharing am so blessed. Many can try to drive their marriage by their own understanding but leaning and giving God an opportunity to lead your marriage can make it so lovely and God fearing.
Shalom brother LukoyeJUNE 19, 2022 AT 9:28 PM
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