Guide To All The Different Christian Denominations

Ever wondered what all these Christian denominations do, and where you fit in? Let us help break it down for you!

The Babylon Bee Guide To All The Different Christian Denominations | Babylon Bee

The Babylon Bee Guide To All The Different Christian Denominations CHURCH·Aug 6, 2021 · BabylonBee.com

Ever wondered what all these Christian denominations do, and where you fit in? Let us help break it down for you!

Catholics – Have an affinity for Latin, guilt, and booze? Go Catholic! The Catholics started off with an epic 1500-year run keeping the denomination game on lockdown before Luther came along in the fourth quarter and messed everything up. Generally seen by Protestants as just one rung above Mormons on the “Are they really Christian” scale, Catholics are known for having lots of rules and praying to Mary and saints for some reason. Weird!

Anglicans – Kirkland-brand Catholics.

Episcopalians – Kirkland-brand Anglicans.

Eastern Orthodox – Catholics but with cooler beards. 

Methodists –  These folks branched off from the Anglican church after it became too boring, but hung on to all the great Church traditions like organ music, legalism, and holding rummage sales. And if you hold a biblical view of marriage, there’s good news – there are still Methodist churches in Africa and Korea you can go to!

Baptists – Do you hate dancing, rock music, and Dungeons & Dragons? Boy, oh boy, do we have the denomination for you! Baptist churches are trying to move into the 21st century with guitars and drums, but the church secretary Ethel sure is upset about it. One bonus of being Baptist is you can kinda believe whatever, ’cause the pastor probably doesn’t even know what his church’s statement of faith says. Nice!

Evangelical Non-denominational – Undercover Baptists.

Lutherans – All the boring parts of Catholicism married to all the boring parts of Protestantism. The original Protestants, the Lutheran church began in 1963 shortly following Martin Luther’s “I Have A Dream” speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial. In order to join, a person must be at least 70 years old, live in Lake Wobegon, and have a bizarre obsession with Jell-O.  

Presbyterians  –  Carriers of the moniker “Frozen Chosen” due to their Calvinist beliefs and catatonic state, Presbyterians were predestined to become the denominational equivalent of stale toast. Forget raising your hands during worship – if you so much as show the slightest emotion with your facial expression, you will be flogged by a deacon. Decent beard game.

Mormons – Hey, we said Christian denominations!

Pentecostals –  A denomination started in the early 20th century, attending a Pentecostal worship service is like going to a drug-fueled rave – for Jesus! What’s not to like? And best of all, if you don’t like what Scripture says, just have your own personal revelation and write it right in the back of your Bible!

Calvary Chapel – “Whoa, man, we’re totally not a denomination, dude! Come on, bro, we’re just, like, chill Christian dudes hangin’ out and lovin’ on Jesus and surfin’ and stuff! Gnarly!”

Cavalry Chapel – Obscure cult that worships soldiers on horseback.

Churches of Christ  – Another non-denominational denomination. They love the Bible and full-immersion baptism as much as they hate musical instruments. They’ve also got the Duck Dynasty guys, drastically improving their otherwise mediocre beard game.

Unitarian Universalists  – See: atheists. We’ll even take the Mormons over these guys!

What’s your favorite denomination? Did we miss any? Shout them at your screen now!

A recent conversation with a pastor friend. 07/16/21, updated 4/25/22, and it seems to be getting worse! 10/17/22I said, “The biggest problem I yet have is the fact that most of the time, I can’t find over one Baptist, especially pastors, in a room at the same time who has learned how to use proper Biblical interpretation, and agree with much of anything! I am trying to find out what appropriate Bible interpretation methods are, and no one seems to teach me! Sorry to go off on everyone… but I would like to learn! I even have a group named “Warnings about Unbiblical Interpretations USING MODERN VERSIONS!”. Very few people seem to realize that everyone can’t have a different opinion and all be right, but many of them want to continue to argue and fight about it. Prophecy is the biggest joke with proper Bible interpretation, and I warn people about that too! My pastor friend said, “Your observations are true- you have ten Baptists in a room and get 25 different opinions….. As for prophecy, wrong Eschatology is the common thread among all the false religions- it affects more than what most think.”

Liberal Baptist Denominations (wayoflife.org)

The Baptist World Alliance (BWA) is an ecumenical alliance founded in 1905 and currently consisting of 223 Baptist denominations in 120 countries, comprising 42 million members in 177,000 congregations. It is divided into six regional fellowships: North American Baptist Fellowship, Asia Pacific Baptist Federation, All-Africa Baptist Fellowship, Caribbean Baptist Fellowship, Union of Baptists in Latin America, and European Baptist Federation.