As usual, the Bible turns out to be right. This paper summarizes the neurological brain research that shows that traditional marriage customs work out best for couples and their children…

As usual, the Bible turns out to be right. This paper summarizes the neurological brain research that shows that traditional marriage customs work out best for couples and their children…

March 18, 2025 CHILDREN DIVORCE Family Feminist Movement and Feminism and women “libbers” HUSBAND Marriage Materialism and Working Mothers MEN'S STUDIES COURSES WARNINGS ABOUT HEALTH NUTRITION FOOD DISEASE WIFE WOMEN'S STUDIES COURSES 0

Bill Taylor As usual, the Bible turns out to be right. This paper summarizes the neurological brain research that shows that traditional marriage customs work out best for couples and their children:

https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/…/gods-simple… . It’s part of a book, see https://a.co/d/fPHji3D

It’s part of a book, see https://a.co/d/fPHji3D

Chapter 9 – Having Sex Changes Your Brain
Taxpayer-funded research is in crisis because many “scientific” studies can’t be repeated.  Confirming earlier results is a vital part of the scientific method; such failures undermine confidence in the scientific process.  What’s worse, basing medical treatment on false studies can kill people.
It’s hard to separate good science from bad.  When science touches subjects found in the Word of God, we can see if science lines up with Scripture.  For example, this article[271] discusses a study on anger management which discusses call centers.  Nobody calls when they’re happy; every call is from an unhappy customer.
The authors said “a soft answer turneth away wrath (Pr. 15:1)” and listed soft answers for different types of wrathful customers.  This gave credibility to what the authors said.  Hooked also agrees with Scripture.
Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development https://a.co/d/23NZaPL explains how hormones produced by sex change our brains to bind us to our sexual partner.  As God put it,
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them
, and with their children for ever!  Deuteronomy 5:29
Hooked explains God’s command that men and women marry before having sex to build families and make children.  Those commands take 5 or 10 verses in the Bible.  Hooked has 173 pages.  If God explained the reason for each of His commands, the Bible would be far too big for hand-copying.  God seldom explains the reasons for His commands, He expects us to obey by faith.
The preface explains that Hooked contradicts popular narratives about human sexuality:
“There are a lot of people who won’t like this book because it explains why sex should occur in appropriate settings, what those settings are, and how scientific evidence today confirms these findings. . . . It provides a needed science and medical perspective to a solution often discounted as a moral, religious, or political issue.  Indeed, sex preserved for the context of marriage is still the optimal decision for physical mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health.”  [emphasis added]
[Holy Matrimony where spouses choose to praise each other and serve each other] greatly increases the chance for a child to be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, which studies have shown provides a child the most advantageous environment for growing into his or her potential.[272]  [emphasis added]
Hooked shows that any interaction between a woman and a man can trigger neurochemicals which change their brains to bind them together.  These drives are essential for human reproduction.  In a marriage, sex can “addict” husband and wife to be content to live together all their days as God expects.
“Those who abstain from sex until marriage significantly add to their chance for avoiding problems and finding happiness.”[273]
“Drugs such as cocaine and amphetamine target dopamine neurons.[274]
In other words, love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction.  The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[275]  [emphasis added]
“The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are ‘designed’ to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life.  This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter”[276]  [emphasis added]
“But the beneficial effect of dopamine [a pleasure-giving hormone that is released during sex] for the married couple is that sex may play a role in ‘addicting’ them to each other and thus reinforcing their desire to remain together year after year.”[277]  [emphasis added]
Don’t Touch until after Marriage
Some tell women not to kiss because kissing may give a man ideas.  That’s wrong.  Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas.  Kissing can give her ideas.  When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman
. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.[278]  [emphasis added]
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited.  We had to talk through our disagreements.  We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[279]
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex.”[280]
Sexual interaction can bind women into harmful relationships:
Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate.  Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship.  She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can’t make herself separate.  This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive.[281]  [emphasis added]
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[282]).  Giving herself to a man binds her to him.  Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly.  Breaking up can make it hard for either of them to form strong marriage bonds later.
“I was so naïve he said we wouldn’t go all the way but he kept pushing and we finally did it. Now I care about him but am angry at him all at the same time. I don’t know if I can ever trust him fully again.”[283]
How can a woman follow a man or belong to a man whom she doesn’t trust?  If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women?  If she gave himself without marriage, how can he trust her not to do it again with someone else?  Distrust is not a good foundation for a marriage.
If he can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with.  Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him.  I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him.  I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart.  He is still there.  It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[284]
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval.  Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[285]  [emphasis added]
The pill lets people treat sex as nothing more than play.  This harms women.  A woman wants to be valued for far more than sex and can become depressed when she finds that a boy saw her as an interchangeable sex toy, see “Unprotected” page 3.  Being repeatedly discarded can make it hard for a woman to trust any future husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as God and her husband expect.
Although parents are the most significant influence in their children’s lives, few parents are willing to discuss Hooked to help their kids avoid the emotional dangers.  This note on page 59 suggests an approach to the subject no matter what the parents may have done.
Although a mother is best to teach her daughter about men, the note on page 49 suggests ways fathers can help prepare their daughters to be God’s good and perfect gifts to their husbands.
Page 51 helps a father get ready to discuss marriage with a man who’s pursuing his daughter.  She can make her husband no happier than he makes her.  How happy does a father want his son-in-law to be?
Making love binds a husband to his wife and to their children and strengthens the marriage:
“Drugs such as cocaine and amphetamine target dopamine neurons.[286]
In other words, love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction.  The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[287]  [emphasis added]
God generally arranges that men die before their wives because it is not good for a man to be alone and women are better able to comfort a widow than men can comfort a widower.  The “measurable physical benefits” of sex help a husband live longer which shortens his wife’s time of widowhood.
David and Bathsheba
“The individual who goes from sex partner to sex partner is causing his brain to mold and gel so that it eventually begins accepting that sexual pattern as normal. . . . The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.  Although oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine continue to be released with sexual intimacy, the physical rut that is formed between the synapses [brain cell connections] subconsciously influences the continuation of the promiscuous behavior.  The conflict between the natural behavior and the learned behavior can result, in some cases, in a boredom with sex itself.”[288]  [emphasis added]
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not
: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Live joyfully with the wife
 whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9
Ecc. 2 lists many things that gave Solomon no joy, but Ecc. 9:9 promises joy in loving “the wife” whom you love.   Why couldn’t Solomon find joy with any of his 1,000 women?  Why did David commit adultery with Bathsheba when he had so many wives?  “Hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again” damaged their ability to bond to anyone and led them to seek new adventures, Solomon in idolatry, David in adultery:
“When connectedness and bonding form again and then are quickly broken and replaced with another sexual relationship, it seems to cause damage to the brain’s natural connecting or bonding mechanism.”[289]
Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold.  Deuteronomy 17:17
God criticized David for not being content with what God had given him:
And I gave thee thy master’s house, and thy master’s wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things. 9Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon. 10Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife.  II Samuel 12:8-10
Men Must Possess Their Wives in Honor, Not in Lust
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel
, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7
That every one of you should know how
 to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour
; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence
, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:4-5
“. . . the finding that the brain centers that produce feelings of romance and love are different and separate from the brain centers responsible for lust is a huge warning to adolescents and young adults.  A selfish and manipulate person may have an intense desire to have sex with another person.  To accomplish that goal, they may lie about being in love. It is important to know that the desire someone has for sex can exist without any feelings of caring, love or romance.”[290]  [emphasis added]
“. . . they[women] say that they ‘give’ sex for security”[291]
A woman must know the difference between a man wanting her and a man valuing her.
Few Americans Treat Others As People As Opposed To Treating Them As Men And Women
The Bible tells us how people who aren’t married to each other should interact:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.  I Timothy 5:2
I kept my first talk with my wife person to person.  From a transcript, you wouldn’t know whether it was a girl mish kid talking to an American boy or a boy mish kid talking to an American girl.  Once I knew that she was saved and that she was smart enough to be worth my time, I flipped it to man-woman and told her I was going to date her.  I didn’t know how just being close to a man can trigger a woman’s emotions.
If a young woman becomes physically close to and hugs a man, it will trigger the bonding process, creating a greater desire to be near him. . . . if he wants to escalate the physical nature of the relationship, it will become harder and harder for her to say no.[292]  [emphasis added]
“When two people touch each other in a warm, meaningful, and intimate way, oxytocin is released into the woman’s brain.  The oxytocin in the brain does two things: increases a woman’s desire for more touches and can begin producing bonding of the woman to the man she has been spending time in physical contact with, as her brain begins to be molded to connect her to the man.”[293]  [emphasis added]
“From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner”[294]  [emphasis added]
There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage.  Men and women can converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions.  Your spouse is the only person in the world whose sex should matter to you.
Man-woman talk is dangerous at work.  You must please your boss to keep a job.  It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much.  This can lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with woman-man talk that doesn’t meet God’s standards of purity.
My wife and I talked the day we met; I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask her, I told her
Adam was attracted to Eve strongly enough to name her (Gen. 3:20[295]) even after she’d helped him lose his comfortable job tending the garden.  I was strongly attracted, but I needed to know if she’d obey me.
Women’s lib had proclaimed that women should get jobs instead of depending on husbands and that there was no reason for women to obey husbands.  “Liberated” women at work were Bad News even before #MeToo – they tended to disobey male bosses simply because direction came from men.  As one libbie told me, “I do what my husband would have told me to do if he had fully understood the situation.”
Having checked her salvation and her intelligence, I needed to know whether she’d been infected with not wanting to follow a man.  Having her object to everything I said would be unworkable.  A man can’t protect a woman without either her cooperation or her incarceration.  Juliet disobeyed her father and sneaked out to be with Romeo.  It didn’t end well.  Would she obey me?
I also knew that God expected me to lead her by serving her even while dating.  Servant leadership (page 53) works only on people who are willing to be led.  I didn’t know that taking her to wife would take away her feeling of independence, so I wanted to check out her willingness to follow me right from the start.
She knew I was taking command.  The wheels turned behind her eyes 15-20 seconds, she gulped, and said “OK.”  She could have said “No” and left, her car was right there, but she did want to date me.
Being wanted badly enough to be claimed was OK with her.  Our choosing to serve each other by meeting the other’s needs has turned out well, just as the Bible promises and Hooked confirms.
Other Science Reports Which Show How God Did What He Did
These reports explain the neurological mechanisms behind the binding effects described in Hooked.
Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood
Many mothers suffer from post-partum depression after giving birth.  This can severely limit a woman’s ability to function as an effective wife and mother.  God gave a way to reduce this and commanded women to use it.  The article Vaginal exposure to semen elevates women’s mood explains:
One study found that women whose vaginas were exposed to semen (i.e., ones who reported “never” using condoms) showed significantly better mood.
The positive effects of semen on mood include fewer bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts.
The effect of semen on mood could be advantageous for sexually active women over age 50 who are experiencing menopausal blues.
…sperm comprise only about 3 percent of semen. The rest is seminal fluid: mostly water, plus about 50 compounds: sugar (to nourish sperm), immunosuppressants (to keep women’s immune systems from destroying sperm), and oddly, two female sex hormones, and many mood-elevating compounds: endorphins, estrone, prolactin, oxytocin, thyrotrpin-releasing hormone, and serotonin.
Vaginal tissue is very absorptive. It’s richly endowed with blood and lymph vessels.  [emphasis added]
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant
9 Surprising Things To Know About Semen
“Another way a partner can be allergic to their partner’s semen is if she has an allergy to a particular food or antibiotic, for example, and the male partner has eaten the food or is taking the antibiotic to which she is allergic,” Dr. Reitano added. “The allergen accumulates in the male’s semen, and when it is placed in the vagina, the allergen is absorbed into the bloodstream. The female partner may develop widespread hives or worse.”  https://www.health.com/sex/semen-facts  [emphasis added]
The Britannica Confirms That Semen Contains Hormones
Semen biochemistry, also known as seminal fluid https://www.britannica.com/science/semen
Fluids contributed by the seminal vesicles are approximately 60 percent of the total semen volume; these fluids contain fructose, amino acids, citric acid, phosphorus, potassium, and hormones known as prostaglandins.
Prostaglandin https://www.britannica.com/science/prostaglandin

Chapter 10 – How A Man Can Open His Heart
A wife needs a lot of reminding that she’s valued, that he likes taking care of her, and that the connection is strong.  God’s punishment of Eve when she ate the forbidden fruit helps explain this, see page 46.
Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly
 multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband
, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16
·        God multiplied sorrow to women by making them sensitive to what men say about them.  This helps a wife please her husband as she gets to know him if he doesn’t kill it through criticism.
·        How many babies would women have had to bear to populate the earth if nobody died?
·        Childbirth became painful.
·        Eve wanted to be with Adam enough to accept him claiming her and naming her (Gen. 2:23[296], 3:20[297]), but God increased women’s desire for a man in His punishment of Eve.  A woman can cause herself a lot of pain if she isn’t careful to control this desire and not get involved with an unworthy man.
·        Men rule harshly in most cultures.  Christianity is the only faith where men and women are on the same level and have equal value before God (Gal. 3:28[298]).  A God-fearing man honors his wife.
When God told Adam he’d eat by the sweat of his face (Gen. 3:18-19 page 45), God didn’t say how Eve would eat.  Women aren’t strong enough to farm or hunt without machinery.  Until the Industrial Revolution made some nations so wealthy that a woman could get a job and support herself, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her.  Women who starved couldn’t raise many children; natural selection favored women who were very concerned about strengthening their connection to a man who fed them and knew how to do it.
Opening his heart to his wife reassures her that he belongs to her but opening up is both scary and frustrating because women think so differently from men.
Reporting and Rapport
Men use “report talk” to say what happened.  Women use “rapport talk” to build relationships.[299]  Women bond to each other by sharing stories.  Men bond by sharing experiences.  Women have a deep need to talk; “strong, silent type” describes men who don’t talk much.  Here’s example of relational woman talk:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream
 because of him.  Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream.  He should have relied on her feelings.
How Women Think
When men complain that women think emotionally, women feel that men believe that women don’t think at all.  This makes them unwilling to try to explain how they think which wastes their knowledge and ideas.
Dismissing women’s thoughts goes back to the Greek philosophers who gave us Aristotelian logic: if A is true, not A is false.  Greek philosophers found that the women who were guiding the house didn’t think that way and assumed that women didn’t think at all.  Aristotelian thinking is so useful that men tend to believe that it’s the only way to think.  Most modern men are no better at valuing women’s thoughts.
Women think holistically, which means “involving or emphasizing the whole.”  Everything in the house and everyone she knows is connected to everything else like a multidimensional picture in her mind.  This helps a woman find things anywhere in the house and makes it easier to fit each new baby into the family.
Every woman has her own way of seeing her kitchen so it’s very hard for a woman to operate in another woman’s territory.  Gen. 31:33-34 tells how Laban searched separate tents for each of Jacob’s four wives.  The women could share a husband, but couldn’t share a kitchen or sleeping space.
My mother’s mother came to help her for a week when I was born, and my dad’s mother for a week.  My mother was so upset at my dad’s mother rearranging her kitchen that she told me about it 15 years later.  She told my wife about it shortly after we were married and promised that she’d never do that to her.
My wife once saw a group of kids running.  “That child’s hurt!” she exclaimed even though we were too far away to identify them.  One child had a sprained ankle and been given crutches but didn’t want to use them.  The way that child ran disturbed my wife.  Being able to see or hear one wrong note in a complex situation helps raise children – a choking baby needs help now no matter what else the mother is doing.
A holistic situational sense can protect women from bigger, stronger men.  Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” https://a.co/d/cHBCZ1G describes women who’d been robbed or raped.  They felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking.  His book said to pay attention when we feel something’s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not.  Judges 16:18 teaches that a woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks.  Many won’t look because they’re afraid they might see something negative.
Explaining Her Thoughts
Even with decades of practice, it can be hard for my wife to explain her thoughts.  A friend was in the hospital for heart surgery.  His washing machine failed.  My wife offered to do their laundry and bought 2 new laundry bags.  When I asked why she hadn’t put the clothes in a trash bag, she said she hadn’t thought of it.
I knew that wasn’t the reason but she couldn’t explain.  The next day she told me her friend folded dirty laundry in the pile waiting to be washed and would be unhappy if clean clothes came back jumbled in a bag.  With her husband in the hospital, my wife didn’t want to add to her stress.  She knew this without knowing how she knew until she figured it out the next day.  As Prof. Chomsky said, “Experts don’t think – they know!”
When researchers used computers for Artificial Intelligence (AI), they began with forward and backward chaining.  This gave us “expert systems” whose conclusions could be explained.  As AI advanced to “deep learning,” computers reach answers we can’t understand.  The article “Can we let algorithms take decisions we cannot explain?[300]” points out that unexplained decisions make people nervous, just as men get nervous when a woman can’t explain why she has a strongly-held idea which makes no sense to them.
The exact mixture of logic, emotion, and intuition that God gives a wife helps her guide her house and makes women think very differently from men.  It’s amazing how different their thoughts can be.  A wife told her husband, “Buy me a carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6.”  He bought 6 cartons of milk.  When she asked why, he said, “They had avocados.”  A husband told his wife he was getting her a diamond for their anniversary.  She said, “Nothing would please me more.” so he got her nothing.
A husband found a note on the refrigerator, “This isn’t working.  I’m at my mother’s.”  He opens the fridge, finds it’s working, doesn’t understand why she thought it was broken, and sits down to wait for her to get back from her mother’s place.  She, of course, is waiting for him to call her.  What a disconnect!
It’s likely that she’d been hinting of trouble and he’d missed it.  A friend sent me this illustration of the total disconnects that can happen between men and women:
Her diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed, but he didn’t say much.  I asked him what was wrong – he said nothing.  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.  On the way home, I told him I loved him.  He smiled slyly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you too.”  When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. H e just sat there quietly and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.
His diary: My motorcycle won’t start, and I don’t know why.
Men tend to focus more intently than women do, but no man should ever lock his wife out of his thoughts.  When a wife tells her husband she loves him out of the blue, she may need reassurance that he loves her.  He should be aware of her distress, work to find out why, and reassure her even if she can’t explain:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
On our first date, my wife said something profound and I started thinking about it.  About 20 seconds later, she put her hand on my arm and asked, “Where are you?”  I said I was in the restaurant[301], and she said, “No, your mind is a million miles away; I can see it in your eyes.”  My lights were on, but nobody was home.
I told her that what she’d said was important and explained how I was trying to fit her knowledge into what I already knew.  She liked the fact that I would think so hard about what she said and she found the world where her thoughts had taken me to be interesting, but most of all, she liked the way I opened my heart to her when she asked.  A man must draw his wife into his world when he disappears into his thoughts.
Knowing versus Understanding
Most wives think their husbands should understand them.  Not even God expects a man to understand his wife, He expects him to put in the hours and hours of open-hearted talk to know her:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge
, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7
There’s a big difference between knowing and understanding.  My wife believes our quilt isn’t square and the flowers have to be right side up instead of sideways or upside-down.  She can’t sleep if the quilt’s on the bed wrong because, she says, it doesn’t cover her when I’m in the bed.  I say it’s king-size and she’s a small woman, it’s wide enough to warm her either way, but she doesn’t agree.
There are 7 wrong ways to lay a quilt but only one right way.  She was frustrated because I put the quilt on wrong when I tried to help her.  She could’ve thought, “If he loved me, he’d know how I want the quilt,” but she knew I loved her.  She finally decided I really couldn’t tell which way was up.  Then she told me to put the tag in my corner.  That solved the problem.
Do I understand this?  I do not.  But I know it; I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it.  This makes her feel loved because she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care; she knows I do it just for her.  When you do something just to make your wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to you even if you don’t understand her.
She likes hearing me say I love, value, and appreciate her, but what I do matters a lot more:
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed
 and in truth.  I John 3:18
The quilt took patience.  I see no difference between the top and bottom, but the tag, I can find.  She had to figure out how to tell me how to meet her needs.  I figured out always putting toilet seats down, combing hair out of her brush, and rinsing the sink after I brush my teeth, but the quilt, I didn’t get.
Some say I belittle my wife by saying she cares so much about a quilt but that’s silly.  God wants children.  It does no good for a child to be born if it dies when someone overlooks a tiny detail.  Women handle a huge number of details that aren’t on a man’s radar.  A woman’s “baby bag” carries different things which change with the seasons and with who’s sick.  A man thinks the quilt’s just as warm no matter how it’s on the bed; women agree that there’s one right way to spread a quilt, the other 7 ways are wrong.
This doesn’t mean that all women will agree on how to spread a quilt.  One may choose one side for the top; another might prefer the other side.  One may want the flowers facing the head of the bed so she can see them from the foot, another might want them the other way so she can see them from her pillow.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4
My wife manages many details of guiding our home and children, I’m glad I don’t have to.  I concentrate on the Big Picture, but when something matters to my wife, it had better matter to me.  If I don’t care about what matters to her, if I don’t look on her things, she thinks she doesn’t matter to me.
It’s a lot of trouble for me to think about her enough to understand what she wants to know about me.  That’s the only way to convince her that I belong to her.  That gives her the emotional energy to belong to me and comfort me (Gen. 24:67[302]) as God planned.  There is no joy for a man that compares with having his wife like belonging to him, but he must convince her first to make it possible.

Chapter 11 – Handling Conflict in Marriage
Conflicts between employees put great cost on businesses, schools, families, and any social group.  Scholars have spent years studying conflict and ways of dealing with it.  At least 80% of these studies are wrong because other researchers don’t get the same answers.  How do you tell a good study from a bad one?
To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them.  Isaiah 8:20
Biblical principles and conflict researchers come to the same conclusion, particularly for conflict between husbands and wives.  The fact that the study of conflict agrees with the Bible means we can trust the research.
For example, the conflict study had a section on call centers.  Nobody calls when they’re happy; every caller is upset.  That section was full of “If they say this, you could say that.”  The Bible says:
A froward man soweth strife Proverbs 16:28 – most callers are forward for one reason or another
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.  Proverbs 15:1
The call center section was a list of soft answers to give to callers who were froward in various ways.  I don’t want to be forward when I call; I generally say, “Your computer is being mean to me, can you help me figure out why?”  Every call center employee is frustrated by the computer every day; this approach puts me and the call center person on the same side, trying to reason with an unreasonable computer.
Disagreement in Marriage
There will be disagreements in any marriage; there are always disagreements whenever two or more people try to do anything together.  Disagreements may be more common in marriage because men and women think so differently.  God commands husbands not to be bitter when wives do something inexplicable:
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.  Colossians 3:19
Similarly, women say it’s hard to understand what a man had in mind no matter how he tries to explain.
Disagreement is inevitable; conflict is not.  Disagreement becomes conflict when we let our emotions and feelings into the discussion.  This chapter discusses ways to keep disagreement from turning into conflict.
Logic and Emotion
God gave us the ability to think and act with our emotions, that is, from our hearts.  He also gave us the ability to think and act logically, that is, from our minds.
God gave us emotional desires to form couples so we’d be fruitful and multiply.  There’s no logical reason for a man to dedicate his life to supporting his wife and children.  There’s no logical reason for a woman to dedicate her life to taking care of her husband and family.  The strangest thing about babies is that having had one, and learning how much work they are, a woman wants another one, and another after that.
Our emotions, that is, the things we do from the heart, determine what we are:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he
:  Proverbs 32:7a
The Bible commands five times that we “love the LORD thy God with all thine heart,…” (De. 6:5[303], 30:6[304], Mt. 22:37[305], Mk. 12:30[306], Lk. 10:27[307]).  Our hearts are so important to God that although these passages list mind, soul, and strength in various ways, heart always comes first.  If God has our hearts, the rest follows.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.  Matthew 15:18
We must keep, or guard, our hearts because our heartfelt emotions drive our lives.  Keep your heart by giving it to God and keep it perfect with God as David did.  Having his heart perfect with God didn’t mean David didn’t sin just as keeping your heart perfect with your spouse doesn’t mean you won’t sin.  David never valued anything more than he valued God.  He never valued any of the heathen idols.  Keeping your heart perfect in marriage means you won’t pursue anyone else or value anyone else as you value your spouse.
The emotions that bind men and women together are powerful enough to hold families together in spite of many trials.  God expects us to rule these powerful emotions with our logical minds:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28
You can stop conflict by holding your emotions in check and speaking calmly and logically.
Emotion drives Conflict
Disagreement turns to conflict when your emotions get aroused; you can discuss issues without conflict if you stay logical and factual by keeping your feelings out of the discussion.  Conflict in marriage can be especially damaging because the emotions that drive marriage are so powerful.
The Bible teaches married people to give up their wants in favor of the other:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4
If you don’t care about your spouse’s things, your spouse will feel you don’t care about him or her.  That’s easy to say, but it can be hard to figure out how to do it, particularly when your emotions are aroused.  There are three Biblical principles that can defuse just about any conflict:
1)      The other person didn’t mean to make you angry.  That wasn’t the goal; your anger was an accident.
2)      The conflict is all about you; it has nothing to do with the other person.
3)      When you talk about your anger or your upset, never say, “you,” always say “I.”
Making You Angry is Usually an Accident
The Bible promises that married people want to make each other happy; they don’t want to create anger:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife
. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband
.  I Corinthians 7:32-34
Men know very little about women, but they all know that an angry woman is a hardship (Proverbs 21:9[308], 19:13[309], 21:19[310], 25:24[311], 27:15[312]).  Workers know that angry co-workers make everyone miserable.  Adults hardly ever try to make each other angry on purpose, but we’re all creatures of the flesh.  We get careless, tired, frustrated, irritated, thoughtless, or selfish.  It’s easy for any of us to do something that makes someone else angry without even thinking about it.  Bible says:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:32
Forbearing one another
, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye
.  Colossians 3:13
“Forbearing one another” is another word for “assume good faith.”  Hurting you was not the plan.
The conflict is about you, it has nothing to do with the other person!
The other person probably has no idea that you’re upset or angry.  Irritating you wasn’t the plan; it was an unfortunate, unintended result of seeking some other goal.  Your emotions can be aroused by your pride:
He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat.  Proverbs 28:25
Whomever irritated you will most likely be astounded when you bring it up.  The other person may have forgotten about it.  If it’s not forgotten, you’ll have different memories of what happened.  This isn’t because the other person is lying.  Assuming that the hurt wasn’t intended, they’ll see it differently from you because you were hurt.  In any case, it’s rare for two people to have the same memory of any event.
Suppose something made you really angry.  You can’t let it go and you have to talk about it.  You must keep your emotions and your anger out of the discussion of your anger.  You can have a calm discussion of something that made you very angry, but it takes self-control.  That’s what the Bible commands:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.  Matthew 18:15
“Trespass,” means anything that irritates you.  Unfortunately, many Bibles have the uninspired heading “Church Discipline” near this passage.  That makes people want to talk about offenses only when someone could be thrown out of the church even though the chapter deals with reconciliation, lost sheep, and healing.  Research says that the best path when someone offends you is to go and talk about it calmly no matter how minor it seems.  The Bible agrees; “trespass” means anything offensive.  The sooner you do this the better.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:  Ephesians 4:26
There are several reasons to handle irritations promptly:
1)      Whomever offended you may not know you were offended; they’ll forget unless you bring it up soon.
2)      The longer you wait, the more you’ll play it over in your mind and the more upset you’ll get.
3)      The more you play it over in your mind, the more your memory of the event changes.
Avoiding anger can be especially difficult for a woman when the hormones of pregnancy or monthly cycle make it easy to upset her.  Men must be very gentle and loving when hormones affect her brain.
When you talk about anger or hurt, never say, “you,” always say “I”
Angry spouses often hurl accusations at each other.  A wife may say, “You don’t love me,” a man may tell his wife, “You never do anything right.”  Words said in anger or in pain make the situation worse:
A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.  Proverbs 15:18
Either party can say, “I felt unloved when that happened.”  That’s a true statement.  It’s like your salvation testimony, nobody can argue with it.  Your spouse may remember it differently, however.  There is never only one version of the past; there are at least two memories of what happened, maybe more.
Don’t argue about memory.  Let go of “You did that.” – “No, I didn’t.”  Assume good faith – your spouse probably isn’t lying when his or her memory differs from yours.  Even if you don’t agree on what happened, you can focus on the emotions and try to figure out how to keep what angered you from angering you again.
It’s important not to accuse the other party.  If a woman tells her husband he doesn’t love her, he’ll disagree because of all the things he does because he loves her.  If he decides he can’t please her, he may stop trying.  If a husband criticizes his wife’s efforts to please him, she may become discouraged and give up.
Don’t say, “When you did that…”  Keeping it impersonal by saying “when that happened” puts you and your spouse on the same side.  As partners, you can work together to figure out how to solve the problem.  Accusations put you and your spouse on opposite sides.  Hurling emotion back and forth makes it worse:
Surely the churning of milk bringeth forth butter, and the wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood: so the forcing of wrath bringeth forth strife
.  Proverbs 30:33
It’s best to list good things when mentioning any upset.  A man can say, “What we just did didn’t work out as well as yesterday, and I liked what you did this morning.”  A wife can say, “In my heart, what happened today made me feel unloved even though I know you love me.  You come home, you work to support us, you praise the food, you play with the kids.”  The Bible usually puts the negative first and ends with the positive – “the fool … but the wise …”  A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.  Here’s how to minimize conflict:
1)      It’s generally an accident; adults very seldom try to make each other angry on purpose.[313]
2)      The hurt and anger are all about you, the other person may have no clue that you’re upset.
3)      Never say “you.”  Say “I” to focus on your feelings.  Talk about how you felt, not who did what.
4)      Listen to the other party, particularly if emotion is leaking in.  It takes effort for men to understand what a woman is talking about and vice versa, but if you don’t listen respectfully and carefully for as long as it takes to understand, how can you fix the problem?
5)      Have an agreement in place that if someone needs a “time out” to keep from saying hurtful things, whoever leaves must return within 24 hours.  Knowing that the other party will come back makes the situation far less worrisome for both parties.  This shouldn’t happen, but leaving for a while can be better than saying hurtful things which you can neither take back nor erase:
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel Half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”
6)      One of you must help the other in time of trouble (Ecc. 4:9-12[314]).  You can’t both be swamped at the same time.  If a wife’s stressed because company’s coming, her husband must help her, and he can’t rest until she recovers.  If he’s overwhelmed, she must help him even if she’d like to let go.
This is easy to say, but it can be hard to do.  The rest of this chapter explores applications.
Good Faith is Unbelievably Important
I did something very Japanese on our first date that made my wife angry.  She could have gotten in her car and driven home.  I would have been badly hurt.  If she’d done that, we probably wouldn’t have married.
She thought, “This guy’s smitten with me.  He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me mad.”  Instead of showing her anger, she gently asked me why I’d done it.  When I told her, she liked my reason.  She saw that there would be many such issues in the future, but she knew that I would tell her why.  When I opened my heart to her as Boaz opened his heart to Ruth the day they met (Ruth 2:11-12[315]), she knew that if I told her why I did strange things, we’d be OK.  Her assuming that I didn’t want to anger her got her a husband.
“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!” – Oliver Cromwell
What You Believe Determines What You Do
God is good and marriage is good.  Psalm 107 says four times, “Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!”  The psalmist saw that people don’t really believe that God is good.  If they thought God was good, they’d obey Him so He could bless them.
Marriage is one of God’s wonderful works.  It’s too wonderful to be put into words:
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not:  The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid
.  Proverbs 30:18-19
Nobody marries to make the other person unhappy.  The bride expects that the groom will be happy with her, and the groom expects that his bride will be happy with him (I Corinthians 7:32-34).
God loved all of us enough to send His Son to die so that our sins could be forgiven and we’d have everlasting life (John 3:16).  God invented salvation out of love for us.  God also invented marriage.  If He loved us enough to send His Son to die for us so that we could have joy in the next life if we pursue salvation according to His instructions, don’t you think He loved us enough to create marriage so that we could be joyous in this life if we take up marriage according to His instructions?
I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.  John 10:10b
Jesus wants our lives to be abundant!  The bride and groom want marriage to overflow with joy.  God is party to their marriage vows (Malachi 2:14[316]), He wants it to be so good that it shines a light to the lost.
Marriage hasn’t worked out wonderfully for lots of Christians.  Given that all parties wanted it to be good, when a marriage isn’t good, it’s a sign that something went wrong and something must change.  Continuing with whatever you’re doing and expecting better results is one of the definitions of insanity.
Many Christians say, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him,” but few act as if they believe God is good.  The Bible teaches husband and wife to belong to each other; most Christians would rather keep emotional and physical independence.  The Bible teaches that a husband should lead his wife by serving her; many husbands prefer to command.  The Bible teaches that a wife should obey her husband; most wives would rather do what her husband would have told her to do if he had understood the situation as she did.  Doing salvation our way takes us to Hell; doing marriage our way can make life Hell on earth.
God commands us to praise Him because praising Him reminds of what He’s given us and makes us less likely to be unhappy about what we don’t have.  Scientists recommend praise between husband and wife:
“Expressing appreciation to your partner, noticing the things you love about them and telling them that you love those things about them,” said Ms. Joel, “just has wondrous effects. They feel appreciated, and then in turn they feel better, and just expressing the gratitude makes you feel better, and then they want to reciprocate the gratitude, so then they appreciate you more which makes you feel better.”[317]
A study in Emotion found that completing an act of compassion for a spouse–like clearing snow off the spouse’s windshield in the morning–improves the giver’s emotional well-being, even when the spouse doesn’t acknowledge it.  Under these circumstances, the giver may get up to 45% more emotional benefit than the recipient.[318]
Wives appreciate husbands putting toilet seats down, and there are countless ways to show love and appreciation.  My wife’s hairbrush collects hair.  It takes 30 seconds to pull the hair out with a comb.  That doesn’t save her much effort, but it warms her heart to be reminded that I’m thinking of her.
Relating to God and His Word
Following the Bible helps handle conflict.  God is His Word (John 1:1).  Your view of God shows in how you handle His word.  Suppose a wife tells her husband over and over that she likes vanilla ice cream, but he always brings home chocolate.  She won’t believe anything he says about loving her or caring for her because he won’t “dwell according to knowledge (I Pe. 3:7).”  Jesus asked, “And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say (Luke 6:46)?”  Can someone who ignores what the Bible teaches really love God?
The simplest solution to marriage problems requires that you believe that God is good so you can follow His plan for marriage.  God knew what men wanted when He made women.  God also knew what men needed.  Men who refuse to see how women meet their needs, as opposed to their wants, often feel that God made women incorrectly.  Their complaints make their wives unhappy, which makes everyone unhappy.
Marriage is a gift from God; you don’t deserve it.  A woman doesn’t deserve her husband dedicating his life to taking care of her and leading her by serving her, that’s a gift from God who made men and from him as he chooses to spend his life nourishing her and cherishing her.  A man isn’t worthy of his wife’s submission, that’s a gift from God who made her and from her when she chose to obey God and belong to her husband.
Marriage prospers if you have an “attitude of gratitude” to God for His gift of marriage and serve your spouse in gratitude to your spouse for being yours.  If you think of marriage as something God or your spouse owes you, it won’t work no matter how many books you read or how many counselors you see.
The only way two people can be “no more twain but one flesh (Mk. 10:8)” as Jesus expects is for both to die to their former lives and be re-born into a one-flesh married unit.  God expects husband and wife to serve each other.  When you serve your spouse, you aren’t just serving your spouse, you’re also serving God.
If you’re saved, God sees you as perfect because Jesus’ blood has washed your sins away (Ps. 103:12[319], I Cor. 6:11[320]).  We’re commanded to treat each other with kindness (Eph. 4-32[321]) and follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[322]).  God sees you as perfect and sees your spouse as perfect.  You must follow after God and choose to see your spouse as perfect for you.  See your spouse as perfect, talk about your spouse as perfect, value your spouse as perfect and the marriage will work.
 
We’ve discussed Bible-based ways to keep disagreements which are inevitable in any marriage from escalating to conflict.  The next chapter discusses common sources of conflict in marriages.

Chapter 12 – Sources of Conflict – Sex and Communication Styles
The main sources of conflict in marriage are personality, in-laws, children, sex, communication, and money.
Personality
People whose lives are merged closely with someone else can become irritated by personality traits.  Some characteristics are related to gender.  Men do things that annoy women just by being men.  Talking to other women showed my wife that many men annoy their wives by doing the same things I do that annoy her.
Older women must teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5).  After she’d said that a man plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed (Gen. 29:21), a woman said, “If I’d known that, I’d have stayed with my 1st husband.  My 2nd did the same thing.”  We must all cling to Jesus’ words:
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.  Matthew 18:21-22
Some say that in saying 490 times, Jesus commanded unlimited forgiveness.  I agree.  I’ve been married longer than 490 months.  If I annoyed my wife only once per month, she wouldn’t have to forgive any more if she’d counted.  I suspect I annoy her more often than that, so I’m glad she decided to laugh about it and appreciate the ways men differ from women instead of being angry.
Other habits have nothing to do with man or woman.  My wife’s a neatnick; she believes there’s a place for everything and everything must be in its place.  God arranged that opposites attract so we’d bring forth after our kind.  If tall people married tall and short people married short, there’d be two kinds instead of one.
It should be no surprise that I’m a trashnik, the opposite of a neatnick.  My wife cleans off a table; when I come in carrying something, I tend to put it in the first open space.  It frustrates her that her efforts to be neat and put everything away are frustrated.  To her, I’m a clutterbug.  She saves old clothes, so she’s a pack rat.
“Trashnick” is tactless so let’s use “innie” and “outie.”  An innie wants everything put away; an outie wants things out in the open where they’re easy to find.  I’ve an innie friend who married without seeing her husband’s house.  “The living room was full of tires,” she said.  He had 8 tires, 4 for each vehicle.  An outie keeps tires in the living room so he can find them.  “It took me a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and another two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went carefully and slowly instead of just taking over his house.  As he came to trust that she could find his socks, underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Our 16 month old son visited grandma’s house.  He pointed to a 2 inch piece of white string on her rug and said “Broom, broom.”  When grandma asked what he wanted, he crawled to the closet and patted the vacuum cleaner.  He wanted her to clean up this intolerable messiness.  His personality and his mother’s innie training made him even innier than she, so his extreme outie wife has had to work hard to learn his innie ways.
An innie woman married to an outie is frustrated because she can’t keep her house as neat as she’d like.  I know my wife’s distress, but it’s hard for me to avoid messing up.  I have to work at being better at that.  It’s probably harder for an outie wife married to an innie husband.  It’s hard for an innie to understand just how difficult it is for an outie to act like an innie.  My son’s wife can clean like a white tornado when she has to; she can put everything away very fast.  Over the years she’s learned her husband’s ways, but it was a hard slog.
When she visits, she tends to think that my wife is rebellious because my wife’s house is not as neat as her husband expects of her.  She doesn’t realize that my wife’s husband isn’t an innie like her husband.
Couples draw closer to each other over time.  I Cor. 14:40 commands “Let all things be done decently and in order,” so the outie should probably move further toward the innie than vice versa.  We have to consider our testimony; even lost people know that “cleanliness is next to Godliness.”  I have a ways to go.
On the other hand, the term “control freak” describes innies who overdo it.
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.  Philippians 4:5
Some people like to plan everything out way in advance; others prefer to just do whatever comes up.  To some, “Yes” is a 100% commitment, to others, “Yes” means “Maybe” or “If possible.”
If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.  Romans 12:18
Living peaceably with your spouse is worth a great deal of work, time, effort, thought, and prayer.
Conflict with In-Laws
Your in-laws are your spouse’s parents.  Very few parents want their children to be unhappy.  No matter what they think of you, your in-laws know that if they make you unhappy, their child who’s joined to you will be unhappy.  When your in-laws make you unhappy, it’s generally an accident because they don’t want their child miserable.  Most in-law troubles come from lack of communication and lack of understanding.
In the old days, young people married from the same town.  We travel further these days and many people marry without a lot of common cultural background.  That can make in-law communication difficult, particularly if your in-laws and your spouse have different cultures which can lead to misunderstandings.
Years ago, I worked with a young engineer named Joe Dziezanowski and an office assistant named Nancy Smith.  In the course of time, Joe and Nancy married, so she goes through life spelling her new name, Dzie… and so on.  They decided to visit his grandparents in Poland, so she called the embassy to ask them to mail a visa application.  She hears the usual, “Spell it, please,” so she starts “Dizez.”  “Lady,” the man says, “I’m Polish.  Dziezanowski I can spell.  What I can’t spell is ‘Nancy’.”
I have a friend whose wife’s parents fled Iran just before the Shah fell.  She grew up in America and has a light complexion.  You’d think she’s an all-American girl with a tan.  Her parents never adapted to America, however, so their cultural conflicts get pretty tangled.  My friend and his wife share a common American culture; her Iranian parents confuse her as much as his in-laws confuse him.
Cultural confusion can be long-lasting and hard to resolve.  My wife and I painted one of our bathrooms.  I was at my in-laws that weekend and told them we’d painted it green.
Next time she visited, my mother-in-law said, “You painted the bathroom again.”  My wife said, “No, we painted it once.”  Mother in law said, “Your husband said you painted it green but its blue.”  She looked at me funny.  I told her, “I’m not colorblind; I just get the names mixed up.”  She looked at me funnier.
When I asked my wife what happened, she said my mother in law thought I was mentally defective.
Several years later, my wife took Japanese lessons because we planned to visit the town in Japan where I’d grown up.  After an early lesson, she said, “I understand blue and green!”  Japanese have a word for the color of grass and they use the same word for the color of the sky.  I grew up using one word for both colors.  It never occurred to me that getting the English words mixed up was strange – my Japanese friends did it all the time, and Kentucky blue grass looks green to me.
My wife’s mother accepted this, sort of, but didn’t really believe it until she visited Japan and asked.
That’s the sort of disconnect you get with cross-culture in-laws.  My mother-in-law knew that her daughter had married me for better or worse and she didn’t rag about her mentally-deficient son-in-law.  Had she done so, life would have been difficult unless she noticed how badly her daughter was suffering and stopped.
We solved this problem because my wife remembered the issue for years and saw the solution when it came.  Here’s another culture-clash.  My mother was teaching child development at a Japanese college.  She spoke of “The first trimester … the second trimester…”  A student asked, “What’s a trimester?”  Mom said, “Its 1/3 of a pregnancy.  Pregnancy is 9 months; a trimester is 1/3 of the pregnancy, so a trimester is 3 months.”
Ever been teaching and realize that something you said totally, utterly lost the entire class?  Mom had no clue what she’d said, but there was total disconnect, all the lights went out at once.  Finally, a student said, “But Taylor sensei, pregnancy takes 10 months in Japan.  We’ve been having babies a long time and we know.”
From her youth up, my mother had been told about 9 month pregnancies, and she’d had 3.  However, all the students lit back up, the lights came back on, so she had to roll with ten-month pregnancies.
She drew 11 vertical lines for 10 months of pregnancy.  Class-wide nods.  She turned the chalk sideways and drew two fat lines at 3 1/3 months and 6 2/3 months.  “Americans divide pregnancy into thirds.  This is the first trimester, this is the second, …” as the class learned about another crazy round-eye custom.
Japanese pregnancies do take 10 months.  Why?  On average, pregnancy takes 280 days.  280 divided by 9 is 31, so pregnancy is 9 31-day western months.  The Japanese word for “month” uses the character for “moon.”  280 days divided by a 28-day lunar month is 10.  What happens when a Japanese wife who’s English isn’t all that great becomes pregnant in the US and asks a 9-month obstetrician when she’s due?
Suppose an American college student goes to Japan and marries a Japanese girl.  His Japanese isn’t wonderful and her English is incomplete.  Who’s going tell his parents when they fly over for the wedding that in Japan, the groom’s family is responsible for paying for the wedding?  And that the custom is for each family to send one person to the reception, but that person must bring home enough food so that everyone in their family gets a taste?  Assuming they get through that, what happens when she’s expecting and tells her American mother-in-law, “I’m in my 10th month!”  Her 9-month in-law will freak.
My brother knew a well-educated Japanese lady whose niece was marrying an American.  “I don’t know if they can have children,” she mourned.  “American pregnancies take only 9 months, we take 10.  Their body temperature is 98(F), and we’re 37(C).  How can they have babies?”  Well, they can!  For in-law issues:
1)      They don’t want to make you unhappy if only for the sake of their own child’s happiness.
2)      Subtle cultural issues can take years to figure out.  Pay close attention at all times!
3)      You don’t just marry your spouse, you marry the whole family.  If you think ill of each other, so be it, but shut up about it.  Unhappy in-laws will make your spouse unhappy.  That will make you unhappy.
4)      There may be severe doctrinal differences between you and your in-laws.  In those cases, cling to the Lord and remember that they, too, need Christ.
Our society has far too many sub-cultures to list them all.  For example, people who work in Internet marketing use the term “blast” to mean sending out email or text messages to prospective customers.  One of my friends received an email that referred to “blasting.”  Not knowing how techies used the term, she thought she was being criticized.  Instead of blasting back, however, she asked and learned what the writer meant.
In-laws should remember, God expects each couple to establish a separate household.  Jesus said:
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?  Matthew 19:5
Our society has no “rite of passage,” a ceremony that indicates that a child is now an adult.  Parents often have trouble realizing that children have grown up and must make their own way.  My wife’s mother was secretary of a 1,000 member church.  If we’d married there, we’d have had to invite the whole congregation and my relatives would have been lost in the mob.  We had a small wedding in the church where we met.
Her pastor was hurt, but I explained that I had had to prove to one and to all that she was now mine.  He understood, and forgave me.  We didn’t drive 45 minutes to spend our first Christmas with my in-laws.  I had to prove to them and to my wife that she now belonged to me; we came for New Years instead.
However, we had had Thanksgiving dinner with them.  My mother-in-law always cooked to exhaustion – if she had any energy left, she’d bake another pie.  After dinner, I stripped the meat off the turkey and got the bones ready for soup.  She decided I had some value, which made missing us at Christmas less painful.
Mother-in-law jokes refer to the husband’s mother-in-law because men forget the saying, “If you would the maiden win, with her mother first begin.”  Women differ greatly, but a wife and her mother differ less than most women.  Learn to praise and appreciate a wife’s mother, if only to learn how to praise your wife.
Maintaining solid relationships with in-laws gives your children the blessing of grandparents.  Your in-laws raised your spouse.  Your children will be like your spouse and may do some of the same things your spouse did during childhood.  Grandparents really have seen it all before.  You don’t have to rediscover all the lessons of parenthood for yourself if you draw on the wisdom, knowledge, and scars of your in-laws.
The best way to deal with in-laws is to show them and your spouse over and over how much you love, appreciate, cherish, and nourish their child.  My mother-in-law could see how much I loved her daughter.  That made it easier for her to accept her mentally-defective son-in-law who couldn’t tell blue from green.
It’s stupid to recycle old mistakes your in-laws could have told you about.  Communicate!  Never assume hostility where none is meant.  Your anger is about you, not about the other person.[323]
Children
Malachi 2:15 explains why God brings men and women together into “one flesh.”  “And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed.”  God gets servants by having the servants He has have children.  Children can cause great stress, which is one reason He made the bonds between men and women so strong.
When my wife taught school, a hardware merchant loved helping her buy things for her classroom.  When she told him she planned to marry, he said, “May all your problems be children.”  What did he mean?
Lots of kids become picky eaters which can bring great frustration.  This attitude is forbidden by God:
Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused
, if it be received with thanksgiving: For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer
.  I Timothy 4:3-5
If you’ve thanked the Lord for the food, it’s sanctified to God, and is not to be refused or criticized.  We had a system.  The child didn’t have to clean the plate in case we gave too much, but the plate went in the refrigerator came out at the next meal.  And the next meal, and the meal after that in stubborn cases.
When he was four, my son decided a few days before Christmas that he absolutely, positively would not eat his last spoonful of Spanish rice.  He’d eaten the rest, but the last bite was anathema.  We put it away, and brought it out, and put it away, and brought it out again.  This went on for four days.
Finally, my wife took our other son and drove off to grandma’s for Christmas.  The holdout realized that I meant what I said, if he didn’t yield, he and I would miss Christmas.  He ate the last spoonful.
Why was my son so stubborn?  He liked Spanish rice.  What was going on?  Where did he get the strength of character to hold out for four days?  Ever hear of DNA?  Ever hear of heredity?  The Bible says, As is the mother, so is her daughter (Eze. 16:44[324]) and that Adam bore a son in his own likeness (Gen. 5:3[325]).
I knew the passage about mothers and daughters.  When I met my future in-laws, I took a good look at her mother.  My future wife had her mother’s DNA and most of what she knew about being a wife had been taught by her mother.  Her mother was a truly gracious lady and her father was happy.  I decided that if my wife acted the same way at that age, I’d be just fine.  Her mother appreciated me when I told her that.
The Bible says your kids are you.  My father said children were perfect mirrors, showing all their parents’ faults.  Children show us the things we did wrong when we were children, and what’s worse, they show us things we still do wrong.  It’s humbling to admit to your child that you blew it and that you’re trying to change.  Kids don’t expect their parents to be perfect; I’ve never lost points with my children by confessing error, but humbling yourself before a child is no fun at all, but covering mistakes ends up being worse.
Having children fling your sins in your face is painful.  It’s worse when your child marries and your child’s spouse realizes that you have the same problem.  Heredity makes problems with children more intense.
We had no static about food for years after the Spanish rice episode.  One evening, a son said, “I don’t like this.”  I swept it off his plate and divided it among the 4 of us.  “What’ll I eat?” he asked.  “Nothing.  You didn’t want it; that’s all there is.”  “May I leave?”  “No, this is dinner time.  Stay here.”  That ended that.
When my sons got to college, they were astounded at how few of their classmates would eat college food.  Picky kids had grown up to be picky college students.  I wonder what they eat now.
To be fair, parents have to set an example of eating with thanks.  My mom served carrots at a meal when I was about to go off to college.  Dad looked at her and said, “Do I have to keep eating these any longer?”
Mom smiled and said probably not.  We were bewildered.  It turned out that dad hated carrots from his youth up, but he and mom sincerely believed that all things are to be eaten with thanks.  He’d set an example for us by eating carrots for decades.  My brothers and I divided up his carrots; they weren’t wasted.
My wife’s parents didn’t like Brussels sprouts or broccoli.  They had them often, and their kids never knew.  Both our families found that giving thanks for all foods was powerful testimony to people from other cultures.
Your examples speak so loudly that your kids can’t hear a thing you say.  What’s worse, your children are you!  You’re re-living your failures.  Past a certain age, you know it will hit the wall, and you can’t stop it.  All you can do is pray and, knowing the terror of the lord (II Cor. 5:11a[326]), try to persuade.  Other child-related conflicts feed on lack of communication.  Unlike in laws who seldom deliberately stir up conflict between spouses, children look for areas where you disagree.  The child wants to get out of a chore or wants to do something one or both parents might not approve.
Things change visibly when a child accepts salvation and then change again when he or she decides to belong to the Lord as a teenger, but an unsaved child’s heart doesn’t belong to God.  Your self-centered child’s full time job is figuring out how to manipulate you to get what the child wants.  When asking permission, a manipulative child goes to the parent the child believes is most likely to say “Yes.”
A simple way to deal with this is to decree that a child must get “Yes” from both parents and that either parent may say “No” without knowing why.  It took us several years to figure this out, but it helped a lot.
We found that neither of us ever had all the information.  Somehow, either by accident or by design, the child seeking “Yes” often left out important details.  The answer usually became obvious if we took the time to pool everything either of us knew, called other parents, and pried more details out of the child.
Years later, we overheard one of our sons say to a friend, “Mom won’t let me do that.”  His friend asked, “Have you asked your dad.”  Our son said, “He’ll ask what mom said.  If I haven’t asked her, he’ll talk to her about it.  If she said ‘No,’ he’ll ask, ‘Then why are you asking me?’ and I’ll be in trouble.”
We tried to let our sons do as many new things as we could, but they had to convince both of us.
We learned the value of vague feelings when a friend’s daughter came back from college with a boyfriend.  He was a successful businessman who was good at hiring and at pleasing customers.  He couldn’t explain why, but he did not like this young man.  He told his daughter, “I’d never hire him; you may not marry him.”
His wife had planned the wedding in her mind and was looking forward to grandchildren.  His daughter hadn’t kept her heart.  She was convinced that she was in love and her sister sympathized.  My friend had not one, not two, but three contentious women dwelling with him (Pr. 21:19, 27:15).
It’s easy to tell when a wife is unhappy with her husband – it shows in her body language, her walk, and in her tone of voice.  A couple of weeks later there was a sudden change; the three women were content.  They had learned something about the young man that made them agree that they didn’t want him in their family.  The father had been right, even though he couldn’t say what bothered him.
Pleasing Her Husband
A wife generally has a strong desire to please her husband.  She needs to know that he still loves and values her, and she needs to hear this many times per day.  I was in a meeting and my friend’s wife telephoned from the bank to ask a question.  They talked for 2 minutes, and we resumed.  A half-hour later, she called from the post office for another 2 minutes.  “Why does she keep checking with me?” he asked.
“Because she wants you to be pleased with what she does.  That is a gift from God to men.  You need to tell her how much you appreciate her checking to make sure things happen the way you want them.”
While working from home for years, I developed fierce powers of concentration to do my job.  My wife would ask, “Why did you let child A violate rule B?” not realizing that I hadn’t known child A was in the room.
No matter how hard I was thinking, however, I had to let her interrupt when she needed attention, if only to remind her that she was more important than my work.  She learned to wait while I hit the “save” key, then I was hers.  Sometimes she had a question, sometimes she just wanted a smile, but she needed it badly.
Suppose your wife is in a bad auto accident.  The surgeons put her back together, but she needs regular doses of painkillers so her muscles can relax enough to heal.  No matter how busy you are, wouldn’t you set an alarm clock to be sure to give her pills on schedule to meet her physical needs and heal her pain?
A wife needs regular doses of attention and appreciation, that’s what “your desire” means.  You have to let her set the dose of attention and appreciation to meet her emotional needs and not cause her pain.  To be one as Jesus expects, you have to die to yourself in favor of her and the family.  It’s no longer “you,” it’s “us.”
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4
My wife manages many details of guiding our home and children, I’m glad I don’t have to.  I concentrate on the Big Picture, but when something matters to my wife, it had better matter to me.  If I don’t care about what matters to her, if I don’t look on her things, she thinks she doesn’t matter to me, and vice versa.
Reporting and Rapport
Men use “report talk” to say what happened.  Women use “rapport talk” to build relationships.[327]  Women bond to each other by sharing stories.  Men bond by sharing experiences.  Women have a deep need to talk; “strong, silent type” describes men who don’t talk much.  Here’s example of relational woman talk:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him.  Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream.  He should have relied on her feelings.  On the other hand, a wife must let her husband punish their children when necessary no matter how she feels:
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.  Proverbs 19:18
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.  Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell
.  Proverbs 23:13-14
We never heard what was wrong with the rejected boyfriend, but we’ve seen bad marriages give a taste of the punishments of Hell.  Our friend’s daughter probably saved herself from Hell on earth by obeying her dad.
A man can’t protect his family without either cooperation or incarceration.  If our friend’s daughter hadn’t cooperated with her father, if she’d run off with this guy, he couldn’t have protected her.  Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo and appointed the family nurse to keep her at home.  Juliet fooled the nurse, snuck off, and got together with Romeo.  It didn’t turn out well – they both ended up dead.
Peter Pan told Wendy to stay in the clearing.  Captain Hook kidnapped her when she disobeyed and went walking in the woods.  Peter had to risk his life in a sword fight to get her back.  If he’d known he wouldn’t get Wendy’s cooperation, should he have used incarceration by locking her in the house?
Fathers aren’t infallible.  Jacob let his daughter Dina go out to “see the daughters of the land;” Shechem raped her (Gen. 34).  David told his daughter Tamar to go see Amnon and didn’t make Amnon marry Tamar after Amnon raped her (II Samuel 13).  Did David or Jacob ask their wives for advice before doing these things?
The hardest part about parenting is persuading children that your ways are right.  They may obey while living with you, but when they leave, they’ll do what they think is right.  Unless you convince them that your ways are best before they leave home, they’ll do something else, to your sorrow.

Chapter 13 – Sources of Conflict – What We Say and What We Do
We communicate by what we say and by what we do.  Actions speak louder than words – what we do speaks so loudly that nobody can hear what we say.  Of all the things married people do, sex communicates the most vividly.  If a woman deflects her husband’s desires or he deflects hers, they aren’t following the principle of belonging to each other described by the woman in Song 2:16 who says, “My beloved is mine, and I am his:”
If a man won’t stop when his wife says, “Ouch,” he’s telling her that he doesn’t mind hurting her.
Sex is important to a man.  Although women enjoy sex from time to time, they’re not generally as driven for sex as men are.  Most women yearn to build relationships by sharing their heartfelt feelings instead.  Open-hearted conversation is as vital to a woman’s well-being as open-hearted sex is to a man.
Most men know that lying about love helps persuade women to have sex, but few understand how deeply relationships matter to women.  God told Adam that he would eat by the sweat of his face (Gen. 3:19[328]).  Eve wasn’t strong enough to hunt or to farm without machinery and she had other burdens while pregnant, nursing, and raising children.  Through generations of hunter-gathering and muscle-powered agriculture, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her.  If a woman’s relationship with her provider fell apart, she and her children might starve.  Maintaining and strengthening relationships was a matter of life and death.
Having her husband open his heart to her so that she knows that the relationship is in good shape is as important to her as having his wife open her body to him is to a man.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.  Song of Solomon 2:8
Why is he so eager to come home?  Will he rejoice in how neatly she’s stacked their linen closet?  Or is he confident that she’ll delight in giving him the “three warms:” a warm bed, a warm heart, and warm meals?
The Bible teaches that both parties should sacrifice their own interests in favor of serving each other:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4
The Bible teaches that it’s fraud for a husband or wife to deny each other:
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence
: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one the other
, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency
.  I Corinthians 7:3-5
“Benevolence” refers to a gift; “due” means something owed.  Husband and wife owe each other the free and undeserved gift of themselves.  They must give freely to each other but the verse starts with the husband giving himself to his wife.  Couples open themselves to Satan’s temptation if either defrauds the other by failing to meet basic physical or emotional needs.
Owing a voluntary gift isn’t a contradiction.  You don’t have to marry.  “Due benevolence” means that if you do marry, you have vowed before Almighty God that you will freely give of yourself to your spouse based on your spouse’s individual needs as long as you both shall live.  It’s fraud against God if you don’t.
Communication
It’s a sacrifice for a man to open his heart as much as his wife desires.  God also expects a man to talk with his wife enough to know her needs and take them into account:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7
If a man fails to honor his wife by listening to her enough to know how best to nourish and cherish her, his prayers bounce off the ceiling.  This can take a lot of talk.  Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married.  I was too.  I thought we were on the same page, but she went on.  “I really like talking to you.  Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day!  I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else.  I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more.  The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant from her point of view.
I had no idea how vital this was.  A woman can’t follow or obey her husband unless she knows what he wants.  She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants.  Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[329]).  It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying.  If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.  A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her, so making my wife feel appreciated benefits me greatly.
Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.”  God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her.  It helped that from time to time, as the spirit moved her, she’d call me “Sir.”  The Bible teaches women to call their husbands “Lord.”
Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord
: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.  I Peter 3:6
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.  Proverbs 12:4
There is no worse shame for a man than having a woman belittle or defy him.  Men are deeply afraid of ridicule from women; her calling me “Sir” meant that she’d respect me even when I made mistakes.  That made it a lot easier for me to open my heart to her and show her my love for her.
Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine.  The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other (Song 2:16[330], 6:3[331]).  God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and led her to show me I could trust her.  Opening my heart to her made me hers.
A wife chooses to honor her husband, it cannot be commanded.  Some years ago, I read:
Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well.  I Timothy 3:12
“Wife,” I asked, “do I qualify, I don’t rule you, I hardly ever tell you what to do?”
“Husband,” she said, “you rule me totally.  Your ways aren’t natural to me, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done.  Nearly everything I do, I know how you want it done and I do it your way.”
She desired to please me and chose to serve me out of love as Christ chose to die for sinners out of love.  Once I understood that, I was more careful to notice how she did things and express appreciation.  It also showed another advantage of all that talking.  A woman can’t follow her husband if she doesn’t know what he wants.  The only way she can find out is through hours and hours of talk.
It’s important to keep your words healthful at all times.  While we were dating, she asked that I never criticize her.  “I want to love you very much,” she said.  “The more I love you, the more your disapproval hurts me.  I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.”  I don’t want to make it hard for her to love me, so I watch what I say.  God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Proverbs 12:18
I need this too.  A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man she loves.  My wife tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the most pleasant place in the entire world for me to be.  That’s why I like hanging around her and hurry home to be with her (Song 2:8[332]).
Keeping your talk gentle and kind is one of the fruits of the spirit (Gal. 5:22-23[333]).  It avoids conflict.
Sex Communicates
God intended that a wife should welcome her husband’s physical drive and keep it focused on her:
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.  And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?  Proverbs 5:18-20
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me
.  Song of Solomon 7:10
His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song 8:3
How can a man be ravished always with his wife’s love unless she always welcomes him?  Draining off all his sexual energy convinces him that she belongs to him.  This makes it worth his while to nourish her and cherish her (Eph. 5:29[334]).  Keeping his desire focused on her makes it much harder for other women to get his attention.  Letting him leave home loaded, on the other hand, leaves him more vulnerable to temptation:
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?  Proverbs 6:28
Seeing the power of his desire for her helps convince a woman that he cares enough about her to stay with her.  This is one way for a woman to be reassured about the stability of the relationship, but it matters greatly how a man approaches sex.  God commands men to set their wives apart:
For this is the will of God
, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor
; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:  I Timothy 4:3-5
Some say that this refers to a man possessing his own body, but the “vessel” as in “as unto the weaker vessel” describes something that receives.  Jesus said that a man and wife were “no more twain, but one flesh.”  It doesn’t matter which body the passage refers to; in a Christian marriage, there’s only one body.
“Sanctify” means “set apart.”  The only way to set a wife apart is to marry her first and listen to her to get to know her well enough that she’s “but one” as in the Song of Solomon.  He must know what makes her different from all other women or he hasn’t sanctified her.  Without sanctification, he possesses her in the lust of those who don’t know God.  She won’t like being treated that way and she won’t want to do it.
What separates man from animals?  Human beings know right from wrong and they care about each other.  Men, if you possess a woman without worrying whether you’re doing right by her, if you don’t set her apart from all other women, you’re no better than a beast.
Women understand this.  An unsanctified wife may feel that any woman would satisfy her husband.  This makes her feel like a whore or an interchangeable sex toy.  Being taken is humbling (De. 21:14, 22:25, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11); being taken by a man who won’t sanctify her is humiliating.
Listen to what men should say about their wives:
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one
 of her mother, she is the choice one
 of her that bare her.  The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song of Solomon 6:9
Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:29
These men know that their wives are the best there could be.  The only way a man can praise so that a woman believes it is to talk to her enough to know her well enough to praise her gifts in detail.  Talking that much is scary for men, but opening herself to her husband often enough to satisfy him is scary for a wife because being invaded takes away her independence.
As my wife’s desire to talk was stronger than I could imagine, a man’s sex drive is stronger than a woman can imagine.  As a woman wants her husband to open his heart to her for hours of talk per day, a man wants his wife to open herself to him many times per day.  Ezekiel pointed out that men’s sex drive is so strong that it can lead to sodomy when men feel rejected:
Thou art thy mother’s daughter, that loatheth her husband and her children; and thou art the sister of thy sisters, which loathed their husbands and their children: your mother was an Hittite, and your father an Amorite.  Ezekiel 16:45
The prophet says that in loathing their husbands, the women of Israel were sisters in conduct to the women of Sodom.  Modern feminist writings say that men are “too macho,” they are “too possessive,” their desires are “disgusting.”  Women are being taught to loathe their future husbands, which leads to sodomy.
Thwarted drive also opens men to pornography.  Once a man learns to find satisfaction in porn, he doesn’t have to beg and never suffers the humiliation of being told, “No.”  A man runs the same risk if he fails to satisfy his wife’s need to open-hearted talk – she’ll be tempted to share her emotional thoughts with someone else.  Emotional fornication often leads to physical fornication.
Some men say their wives don’t want to talk.  This may be because she’s been so criticized by her husband or other men that she’s afraid to open herself.  Women are unbelievably sensitive; many wives interpret their husbands’ words more negatively than their husbands intend.  Men must be careful what they say.
Conflicts over Money
After listing many activities that wouldn’t bring happiness, Solomon told men how to find joy:
Live joyfully with
 the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9
A man’s only source of joy is his work and his wife, but for him to rejoice with her, he must nourish her and cherish her so that she rejoices in belonging to him.  Solomon’s labors were vanity and chasing after wind because he worked to please himself, but when a man works to provide for his wife, her depending on him makes his labor worthwhile (I Tim. 5:8[335]).  Nothing straightens up a man like having a woman lean on him, and if she teaches her children to follow him by her example of submission, he can get joy from them.
Many women have difficulty choosing suitable gifts for husbands or brothers.  This is because God designed men with one really major drive and designed women to fulfill it.  If a man’s wife likes belonging to him, that’s pretty much all he wants and they can spend whatever he earns guiding the house.  If a man opens his heart to his wife and makes her feel loved, she can more easily be content to live on what he earns.
Without talk, however, a wife feels unloved and unappreciated, and she’ll want to go shopping to make herself feel better.  Similarly, a man feels unloved unless his wife encourages him to have her whenever he can.  Without that, he’s tempted to buy toys to try to make himself feel better.  The book of Ecclesiastes Chapter 2 shows that this approach won’t bring happiness to either party.
God planned that husband and wife should be each other’s main source of contentment so they don’t need to spend money on toys.  If they meet each other’s needs, they’ll have fewer financial problems.
We’ve talked about keeping emotion out of disagreements and sticking to the facts.  Money is the very best place for fact-based discussion.  I grew up in Japan where heating oil cost $1 per quart; I kept my apartment at 50.  For three years before we married, my wife lived in a YWCA in a room over the main boiler.  Her room was between 70 and 80 all winter.  When we bought our first house, we encountered the usual whiplash of the wallet, but we were able to install storm windows.
I waited until we got the November heating bill and laid out a cash flow projection for her.  This was before spread sheets; it’s easier now.  I showed what we got after taxes.  I showed all our expenses including mortgage, cars, phone, etc.  I then explained that the heating bills for December through February would be at least double the November bill.  We’d barely make it.
I reminded her that she wanted to buy a freezer.  She didn’t want to pay interest, so we had to save the price.  “If you set the thermostat at 50,” I told her, “we can afford to buy your freezer this spring.  If, however, we set it at 70, we won’t be able to save the money until fall.”
She knew that a dollar spent on heat was a dollar we couldn’t spend on her freezer.  She bought very heavy quilted men’s underwear, took in the waist, drank a lot of tea, and we set our thermostat at “way cool.”  We bought the freezer; it served us 30 years.  I found a way to give her a choice as God gives us free will.
3 years later, we scraped together airfare so I could take her with me on a business trip.  She found a crystal vase she really wanted.  We’d been eating in cheaper restaurants than my colleagues so I could pay for her food and mine from my daily meal allowance.  This was before computers.  It wasn’t worth the effort to add up all the receipts for each meal, so the company gave us a fixed sum for each day.
She knew that paying her air fare had left us in a bad position, but she wanted the vase.  “If you buy groceries so we can eat in our room,” I told her, “we can save enough out of my meal allowance for your vase.”  We ate a lot of tuna and the bread sometimes went stale, but we bought the vase.  She still has it.
We’ve been talking about keeping emotion out of discussion and sticking to facts.  There is no topic better suited to fact-based discussion than money.  You know what you’ve spent, you know what came in.  What’s more, you know most of the upcoming bills and most of what you expect to come in.  Facts take a lot of the sting out of talking about money.  Everybody has spreadsheets; there’s no excuse not to have totally factual discussions.  Once all the facts are on the table, the answer is usually obvious – “No, you can’t have it.”
Belong to Each Other
God expects each husband and wife to belong to each other:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 6:3
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.  I Corinthians 7:4-5
Everyone knows this.  There’s a song:
Button up your overcoat, when the wind blows free
Take good care of yourself, you belong to me!
God created each woman to be her husband’s help meet.  A woman can’t help a man unless he heeds what she says.  A man would far rather give to his wife than have her take from him, and a woman would far rather give herself to her husband than have him take her.  If a man belongs to his wife, it’s much easier for her to give herself to him.  If she belongs to him, it’s easier for him to give to her.
If a woman belongs to a man, her happiness also belongs to him.  He’ll soon find that making her happy will make him far happier than anything he does to make himself happy.  If a man belongs to a woman, she will find great joy in making him happy because his happiness becomes hers.
Jesus said that spouses should not only belong to each other, they should become one:
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.  Mark 10:7-8
The only way that two people can be “no more twain, but one,” is for each of them to die to their former individual lives and be re-born into a one-flesh married unit.  This is just like salvation.  The Bible teaches that sinners have to die to their former lives in order to be born again into Christ:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law
 by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. For when we were in the flesh, the motions of sins, which were by the law, did work in our members to bring forth fruit unto death. But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter.  Romans 7:4-6
A man shows his wife that he belongs to her by opening his heart to her.  This frightens a man as much as opening herself to a man frightens a woman, but the Bible teaches that it’s safe for him to do so:
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.  The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her
, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Proverbs 31:10-12
This applies to a virtuous, Godly woman.  An unsaved wife may do her husband harm instead of good.  There’s a saying, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.”  That was Solomon’s mistake:
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon found joy with the wife of his youth.  In his old age, he was bitterly disappointed in women, even though he had a thousand (I Kings 11:3[336]).  Why?  What went wrong?  Solomon knew that marriage should have been good.  He knew that marriage should have brought him great joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19
Solomon knew he should have been able to rejoice in marriage, but he mourned, “a woman among all those have I not found.”  Why?  Why was his soul vexed and empty when he had so many women?
Men usually say, “Women are unmanageable,” few admit it was Solomon’s fault.  What didn’t he know?
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 6:3
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Song of Solomon 7:10
The Song, particularly 8:2-3[337], shows that she liked belonging to her husband because he was hers.  If a wife doesn’t like belonging to her husband, his soul is as empty as Solomon’s soul was empty.
Solomon didn’t realize he should belong to one wife and be hers even though Deu. 17:17[338] told him not to “multiply wives” because having a lot of wives would turn him away from God.  That happened to Solomon, but having so many women also made his life empty.  He said, “my soul seeketh, but I find not.”
Solomon should have known that a woman must have a man like belong to her for her to enjoy belonging to him.  Solomon had life and death power over his wives but they didn’t like belonging to him.  A man may own a woman, he may be able to command her, but he can’t make her like it.  If she doesn’t like belonging to him, he’ll miss the joy and glory God intended that she bring into his life.
The book of Proverbs warns five times that living with an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[339], 21:9[340], 19[341], 25:24[342], 27:15[343]).  Opening his heart to a woman takes so much time that a man can’t possibly belong to more than one.  Solomon didn’t belong to any of his wives; he had 1,000 frustrated, unhappy women under his roof.  No wonder his soul was empty!
The principles of marriage relationships can be summed up in just two verses:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4
Let no man seek his own, but every man another’s wealth.  I Corinthians 10:24
A man should dedicate his life to taking care of his wife and a wife should dedicate her life to serving and taking care of her husband and children.  Seeing her husband work hard to care for her and working hard to share the concerns of her heart makes a woman happy to belong to him.
In this life, there is no joy for a man which compares to having a woman like belonging to him so much that she delights in blessing his fountain.  God is just – He offers men and women the same amounts of joy in marriage, but it takes different forms.  A woman delights in having a man delight in taking care of her, opening his heart to her, using her skills and knowledge, and making her a permanent resident of his world.
Marriage is really as simple as a child’s song:
If you’re saved and you know it, then your life will surely show it.
If you’re saved and you know it, pass it on – especially to your spouse!
God’s rules are very simple.  Salvation is two words, “only believe.”  Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.”  We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him, that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what he hasn’t given.
Chapter 14 – Comparing Marriage and Salvation
God knew that we would have trouble with His plan of salvation.  He knew we couldn’t possibly handle two pans, one for salvation and one for marriage, so He made one plan work for both.  This section has many comparisons between marriage and salvation, but we should start with the basics.  Gen. 1 tells us:
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.  Genesis 1:3
The Bible teaches that God created everything including you, your spouse, and me.  There’s more:
And God said, Let there be a firmament[344]
 … and it was so.   Genesis 1:6
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered … and it was so.  Genesis 1:9
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass … and it was so.   Genesis 1:11
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament
 of the heaven … and it was so.  Genesis 1:14
And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature … and it was so.  Genesis 1:24
And God said, Let the waters bring forth … and God
 saw
 that
 it
 was
 good
. Genesis 1:20
We find “and God said, … and it was so,” over and over.  The Bible teaches that if God said it’s so, it’s so.  That is the foundation of Christianity – it’s built believing that if the Word of God says it, it’s so.
Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth
.  John 17:17
God’s word is truth.  God gave us His Word so that we’d know what He expects us to believe about Him and what we’re supposed to do.  Some say, “the Bible is authoritative for faith and practice.”  God tells us what to believe and He tells us what to do.  Let’s consider what God says about His works:
The works of the LORD are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein
.  10The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.  Psalm 111:2, 10
God’s people should take pleasure in God’s works including the way He made men and women so that we can build God-fearing marriages and raise God-fearing children.  God expects us to keep marriage vows:
And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. 14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed
. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.  Malachi 2:13-15
We should enjoy marriage.  We should enjoy watching what He does for us and we should enjoy learning how He does His works.  Having a proper awe and respect for God is the beginning of wisdom:
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom
: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.  Psalm 111:10 
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge
: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.  Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom
: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.  Proverbs 9:10
If we have good understanding of His Holy Word, we’ll do what He commands, but it works the other way, too.  If we do what God commands, we’ll get a good understanding when we look back and see how obeying His commands blessed us.  Let’s look at how we’re told to approach God’s Word:
Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the LORD.  Psalm 107:43
God says that if you’re wise, if you’ll observe “these things,” then you’ll understand just how kind God is and how well He takes care of us.  Psalm 107 says three times
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!  Psalm 107:8, 15, 21
If you are wise, if you praise the Lord for His goodness, then you will understand His kindness to you.
God’s most wonderful work to the children of men, of course, is salvation.  Salvation requires that we confess our sins, repent of our sins, ask Jesus to forgive our sins, and be born again.  Being saved requires that we die to our former lives so that we can be married to Christ:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another
, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.  Romans 7:4
In order to be born again into Christ, we must die to ourselves and be married to Christ.  That is the first of God’s wonderful works.  Marriage is another of God’s wonderful works.  Jesus explained it:
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:6
Dying to our former lives of sin makes us one with Christ.  As with salvation; we must die to ourselves in order to be “one flesh” in marriage.  When we find people whose lives are being destroyed by sin, we give the gospel so that they can be saved and show the grace of God in their new walk with Christ.  When we find marriages being destroyed by sin, we “give an answer” so these marriages can show the grace of God to the lost.  There are many short ways to explain marriage so that you can help your friends build their marriages.
·        Salvation and marriage are both undeserved gifts of God’s grace.  Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves the blessings of marriage.  A man is not worthy of his wife’s submission, obedience, or her calling him “Lord,” that’s an undeserved gift of God’s grace to him.  A woman is not worthy of her husband’s giving his life to nourish and cherish her, that’s God’s undeserved gift to her.
·        Salvation and marriage both show the grace of God to the lost.  We’re required to “give an answer” (I Pe. 3:15[345]) when people ask why we live as we do.  Our marriages are our greatest opportunity to show we’re different from the lost.  When the lost see a wife giving her husband undeserved grace or a husband giving his wife undeserved grace, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves, and we get to tell them how to find it.
·        When we give the gospel, we may hear, “God can’t save me, my sins are too great.”  When we give the plan of marriage, we may hear, “God can’t save my marriage, it’s too far gone.”  That’s pride – how can anyone think their sin or their marriage problems are greater than the God who created the universe?
·        People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Salvation spend eternity in Hell.  People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Marriage can create their very own Hell right here on earth.  Marriage can either give a foretaste of the joys of Heaven or it can give a foretaste of the punishment of the damned in Hell.
·        Once we’re saved, our love for Christ constrains us to serve Him (II Cor. 5:14[346], Eph. 2:10[347], Phi. 2:4[348]).  Once we’re married, our love for each other should constrain us to serve each other (1 Pe. 5:5[349]).  God wants us to serve our spouses, families, and churches; we serve God by choosing to serve each other.
·        Salvation is based on a personal relationship with Christ Jesus.  Marriage is based on a personal relationship between husband and wife.  If your relationship with Christ is messed up, you can’t have a proper relationship with your spouse.  If your relationship with Christ is based on true, saving faith, you can choose to base your relationship with your spouse on God’s formula.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.  Ephesians 2:10
·        John 3:16-17[350] gives all you must know to be saved.  Genesis 24:67[351] gives all you must know for a successful marriage, but teaching helps.  We labor to prepare children for good jobs but don’t teach Godly marriage.  Not teaching marriage is like giving them a bicycle without any training and expecting them to ride out in traffic without getting hurt.  As with salvation, “discipleship” is essential for successful marriage.
·        We must keep our hearts perfect with the Lord our God as David did.  David sinned, but he never worshiped any other god.  Married people must keep their hearts perfect not only with God but also with each other.  Couples must never worship any other god and never get involved with any other person.
·        Salvation prepares us for the joys of living forever with Jesus and serving Him in Heaven.  God planned marriage to give both husband and wife a foretaste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
·        Once saved, we become one with Christ.  Once married, husband and wife should become one flesh (Mt. 19:5-6[352], Mk. 10:8[353]).  We can’t be one in Christ without dying to our former life.  Husband and wife can’t become one in each other without dying to their former individual selves in favor of serving the family.
·        Saved people should glorify God in all that they do; glorifying God helps us become his ambassadors (II Cor. 5:20[354]).  Married people should glorify God and glorify each other together in all that they do.
·        Some people give money to the church to pay God for favors.  A “cheerful giver” gives to God out of love and not to get from Him.  The Song of Solomon shows a husband and wife giving to each other out of love and not in hope of getting from the other.  Works-based salvation is idolatry; works-based marriage is whoredom.  Works-based “salvation” takes you to Hell; works-based marriage makes life Hell on earth.
·        Salvation supports marriage; knowing we belong to Christ (I Co. 6:19[355]) makes it easier to belong to a spouse.  If a woman belongs to Christ, it’s easier to accept God giving her to her husband (Lk. 17:27[356]).  If a man knows that Christ gave His life for him, it’s easier for him to give his life for his wife (Eph. 5:25[357]).
·        Marriage supports salvation.  As husband and wife appreciate and praise one another and share God’s grace by forgiving each other, their marriage reminds them both to praise and appreciate God (Ps. 100).
·        Rejoicing in the Lord reminds us to rejoice in marriage and vice versa (Phi 4:4[358]).  Ecc. 9:9 says, “Rejoice with
 the wife whom thou lovest…”  Joy in marriage must be shared.
·        Salvation is two words, “only believe.”  Satan confuses people into thinking its belief plus works or church so people miss salvation and go to Hell.  Marriage is two words, “only praise,” but many people think they should change their spouses instead of letting the Holy Spirit bring change.  When people usurp the Holy Spirit’s role in their marriage, they usually miss the joys of marriage and may create Hell on earth.
·        Marriage doesn’t just give us companionship; we have duties to our spouses which God commands us to fulfill.  Husbands must love their wives (Eph. 5:25357), wives must reverence husbands (Eph. 5:33[359]).  Love and reverence are not products of emotion; they are acts of will which we decide to do.
·        Jesus begins a good work in us at the point of salvation (2 Pe. 3:18[360]).  He helps us grow in grace until the day He returns (Phi. 1:6[361]).  Husband and wife begin a good work of growing in grace together at marriage and continue encouraging each other until death.
·        Salvation doesn’t just take us to Heaven; we have work to do for Christ (2 Cor. 5:14[362]).  “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works
, which God hath before ordained
 that we should walk in them (Eph. 2:10).”  Serving your family and church serves Christ in this life.
·        When Jesus’ blood washes away our sins, God sees us as perfect (I Cor. 6:11[363]).  Christians must follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[364]) and see each other as perfect.  Marriage prospers when a man appreciates and honors his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s good and perfect gift to him.
·        The only way a man can see his sinful wife as perfect is for him to see her through the grace God gave him in saving him.  The only way a wife can see her sinful husband as perfect is for her to see him through the grace God gave her.  When lost people see couples giving God’s grace to each other, they want God’s grace for themselves, and we tell them how to get it.  That’s how our light shines before men (Mt. 5:16[365]).
·        Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me
;” (Mt 11:29).  A bride takes upon herself the yoke of pleasing her husband (Gen. 3:16[366]).  The only way to rest (Ruth. 1:9a[367]) in being sure she’ll please him is to spend time talking to him and learning of him so she knows he’ll be pleased with what she does.
·        Jesus said, “for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Mt. 11:29)  A man must be meek towards his wife; must lead her by serving her (Mk. 10:42-45[368], see also Mk. 9:35[369]).  He must talk to her a great deal in order to understand her needs well enough to lead her for her benefit.
·        Jesus said, He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it  (Mt. 10:39).  When we accept salvation, we lose our former lives and gain a new life in Christ.  When we marry, we lose our former individual selves and gain a new life as a one-flesh married couple.
·        God’s salvation covenant is forever; once saved, always saved (John 10:28[370]).  God’s marriage covenant ends only at death (Rom. 7:1-3[371], the book of Ruth).
If you’re saved and relate to God as He desires, your marriage relationship works because you’ll serve God by serving each other.  The relationship between husband and wife is based on their relationships to God.
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;  II Corinthians 5:18
Having been reconciled to God, we should be able to minister reconciliation to each other.  If husband and wife each reconcile themselves to God and relate to God by honoring, praising, loving, and obeying Him, they’ll relate properly to each other by honoring, praising, loving and appreciating each other.  Their marriage prospers, and they show the grace of salvation to the lost.
And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them
, and rose again.  II Corinthians 5:15
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body
.  II Corinthians 4:10
As lost people see Christians giving God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.  If either party messes up their relationship with God, on the other hand, their testimony is damaged and the marriage seldom works well even if they both have been taught how marriage should work.
Knowing what God says about marriage helps you heal the broken marriages you’ll encounter.  God ordains joyful marriage; a damaged marriage means that someone isn’t following God.
Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: Psalm 127:1
No matter how hopeless the situation seems, God promises a way out, but we have to ask:
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape
, that ye may be able to bear it.  I Corinthians 10:13
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God
, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.  James 1:5
A Glorious Wife, Without Spot or Wrinkle
This passage outlines a goal and a reward for a husband’s spiritual leadership of his wife:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  Ephesians 5:25-28
Although a man should be ready at any time to give his life to protect his wife from danger, God generally expects a man to give his life day by day to her nourish and cherish her.  I earn so much per hour.  When we spend that much on home, children, or church, I have freely given one hour of my life to walking God’s path of service (Mk. 9:35[372], 10:44[373]) as He wants me to walk (Ro. 12:1[374]).
Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity
  (1 Tim. 5:2).”  Girls must be taught to insist that men deal with them in purity as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sexual sin.
Eph. 5:27 shows Christ using His Word to bring His church to Himself “a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle or any such thing.”  As spiritual leader, a husband should use the Word of God to genlty present his wife to himself as a “glorious wife not having spot or wrinkle” as taught in the Song:
Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Song of Solomon 4:7
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her.  Song of Solomon 6:9a
The husband tells his wife she’s a glorious wife, without spot or wrinkle.  His wife needs her friends to know he’s pleased with her; he recharges her batteries by telling everyone that she’s uniquely perfect for him.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death
.  Genesis 24:67
Being convinced of his love gave her the emotional energy she needed to be able to comfort him.
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth
.  I John 3:18
Saying you love her is good, but talk is cheap.  What you do speaks so loudly that nobody can hear what you say.  Wives appreciate husbands putting toilet seats down, and there are many small ways to show love and appreciation.  My wife’s hairbrush collects hair.  It takes 30 seconds to pull the hair out with a comb.  That doesn’t save her much effort, but it warms her heart to be reminded that I’m thinking of her.
It takes time and practice for a man to learn to talk to his wife in a way that connects to her emotions.  I was homeschooled and had learned to get knowledge from my mother, but it took at least a year for me to begin to understand when my wife spoke of her feelings.  My building an emotional connection to her helped her become my glorious wife and helped her enjoy belonging to me.  Her conscious decision to belong to me after our wedding made opening my heart to her a lot less scary.  We each had to connect in the other’s way!
This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.  Ephesians 5:32
“Christ and the church” was the mystery, not the relationship between man and wife.  People understood marriage in apostolic times.  Many Christians have forgotten the part of Holy Matrimony where the husband renews his wife’s emotional energy through praise, appreciation, and showing many small acts of kindness so that she has the strength to give comfort in time of sorrow and hold the family together during trials.
 


[1] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.  I Peter 5:5
[2] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.  Titus 2:4-5
[3] Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.  Titus 2:6
[4] Fisher, Anatomy of Love, p 21-23
[5] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[6] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9
[7] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[8] And such were
 some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:11
[9] There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.  Galatians 3:28
[10] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:  Ephesians 5:29
[11] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[12] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9
[13] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[14] Who can find a virtuous
 woman? for her price
 is far above rubies.  Proverbs 31:10
[15] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67
[16] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[17] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[18] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[19] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[20] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[21] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[22] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[23] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.  Song of Solomon 1:2
[24] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?  Proverbs 6:28
[25] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[26] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.  I Peter 5:5
[27] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:  Ephesians 5:29
[28] If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.  Mark 9:35b
[29] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  Mark 10:42-44
[30] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18
[31] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:33
[32] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[33] Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant
[34] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[35] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[36] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9
[37] Who can find a virtuous
 woman? for her price
 is far above rubies.  Proverbs 31:10
[38] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67
[39] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[40] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[41] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[42] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[43] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[44] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[45] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[46] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.  Song of Solomon 1:2
[47] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loves-evolver/202401/the-truth-about-infidelity-insights-from-94943-individuals
[48] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?  Proverbs 6:28
[49] And such were
 some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:11
[50] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[51] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.  I Peter 5:5
[52] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:  Ephesians 5:29
[53] If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.  Mark 9:35b
[54] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  Mark 10:42-44
[55] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18
[56] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:33
[57] My beloved is mine, and I am his
: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song 2:16
[58] I am my beloved’s
, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song 6:3
[59] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.  I Timothy 5:14
[60] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[61] Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant
[62] And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.  Genesis 29:18
[63] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29
[64] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.  Proverbs 31:31
[65] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 2:16
[66] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 6:3
[67] I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Song of Solomon 7:10
[68] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song 8:2-3
[69] And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.  Genesis 29:31
[70] Art not thou our God, who didst drive out the inhabitants of this land before thy people Israel, and gavest it to the seed of Abraham thy friend
 for ever?  II Chronicles 20:7
[71] But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend
.  Isaiah 41:8
[72] The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.  I Timothy 5:2
[73] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[74] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67
[75] But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: 21Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.  Deuteronomy 22:20-21
[76] For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: 4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence
, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified.  I Thessalonians 4:3-6
[77] Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled
: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.  Hebrews 13:4
[78] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[79] And such were
 some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:11
[80] Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost:  John 20:21-22
[81] This means behavior, not talk.
[82] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer
 to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:  I Peter 3:15
[83] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.  Galatians 5:22-23
[84] I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. 7So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase. 8Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour. 9For we are labourers together with God
: ye are God’s husbandry, ye are God’s building.  I Corinthians 3:6-9
[85] Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our LORD: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength.  Nehemiah 8:10
[86] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.  Romans 7:4
[87] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.  Titus 2:4-5
[88] Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.  Titus 2:6
[89] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.  Ephesians 5:22-24
[90] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[91] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[92] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[93] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[94] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[95] So it came to pass, when the king’s commandment and his decree was heard, and when many maidens were gathered together unto Shushan the palace, to the custody of Hegai, that Esther was brought also unto the king’s house, to the custody of Hegai, keeper of the women.  Esther 2:8
[96] And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.  II Samuel 11:4
[97] https://www.narratively.com/p/when-metoo-came-to-ancient-rome
[98] Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Proverbs 3:5-6
[99] And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart  Judges 16:18a
[100] For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself.  Genesis 24:65
[101] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.  Genesis 26:7
[102] And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things.  Genesis 24:53
[103] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18
[104] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9
[105] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34
[106] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.  Ruth 2:11-12
[107] So she kept fast by the maidens of Boaz to glean unto the end of barley harvest and of wheat harvest; and dwelt with her mother in law.  Ruth 2:23
[108] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[109] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.  Genesis 2:15
[110] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[111] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[112] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  I John 1:9
[113] Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, 17th series, pages not numbered.  Ripley also reported a Scottish town where a would-be groom had to prove his desire by risking his life balancing on one foot on the edge of a windswept cliff for 30 seconds as her father looked on.
[114] https://www.history.com/news/chivalry-knights-middle-ages
[115] Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: 28Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
[116]  a prudent wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14b
[117] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[118] In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  John 1:1
[119] I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.  Psalm 138:2
[120] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4
[121] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16
[122] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9
[123] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[124] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.  Romans 7:4
[125] As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.  I Peter 4:10
[126] For the love of Christ constraineth us;  II Corinthians 5:14a
[127] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God’s husbandry, ye are God’s building.  I Corinthians 3:9
[128] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.  I Peter 5:5
[129] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[130] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:33
[131] This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.  Matthew 15:8
[132] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.  Mark 7:6
[133] A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.  Proverbs 12:4
[134] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.  Proverbs 19:13b
[135] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.  Proverbs 21:9
[136] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.  Proverbs 21:19
[137] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.  Proverbs 25:24
[138] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.  Proverbs 27:15
[139] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7
[140] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22
[141] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  Matthew 7:11
[142] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17
[143] That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;  I Thessalonians 4:4
[144] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 2:16
[145] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 6:3
[146] I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Song of Solomon 7:10
[147] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song 8:2-3
[148] If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish.  Exodus 21:10
[149] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; Genesis 5:3a
[150] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song of Solomon 6:9
[151] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/why-johnny-lingo-paid-eight-cows-for.html
[152] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.  Isaiah 43:25
[153] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.  Hebrews 10:17
[154] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.  Galatians 5:22-23
[155] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
[156] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it
 and to keep it
. 16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. 18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help[156]
 meet for him.  Genesis 2:15-18
[157] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it
, lest ye die.  Genesis 3:3
[158] And Adam was not deceived
, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.  I Timothy 2:14
[159] For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous.  Romans 5:19
[160] And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes
, 11And be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. 15And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives
.  Exodus 19:10-11, 15
[161] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. 13And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.  Genesis 3:12-13
[162] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/wedding-wisdom-simplicity-of-marriage.html#fallFault
[163] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34
[164] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.  Malachi 2:15
[165] But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.  Genesis 2:6
[166] And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.  Genesis 2:25
[167] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:  Genesis 3:2
[168] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34
[169] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.  Song of Solomon 1:2
[170] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song 8:2-3
[171] I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Song 7:10
[172] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Genesis 2:23
[173] And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.  Genesis 3:20
[174] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise
, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her
; and he did eat.  Genesis 3:6
[175] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song 8:2-3
[176] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9
[177] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7
[178] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 2:16
[179] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 6:3
[180] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.  Proverbs 31:31
[181]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:5-6
[182] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:9
[183] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  Ephesians 6:4
[184] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29
[185] a prudent wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14b
[186] Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.  Proverbs 14:1
[187] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28
[188] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7
[189] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[190] And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage:  Luke 20:34
[191] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all.  Luke 17:27
[192] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.  Psalm 103:12
[193] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:11
[194] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.  Romans 8:1
[195] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish
.  Ephesians 5:25-27
[196] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.  Psalm 103:12
[197] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.  Isaiah 43:25
[198] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:11
[199] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.  Hebrews 10:17
[200] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song of Solomon 6:9
[201] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: Psalm 68:6a
[202] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17
[203] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:  Ephesians 5:29
[204] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Song of Solomon 4:7
[205] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song of Solomon 6:9
[206] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:22, 33
[207] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.  Colossians 3:18
[208] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9
[209] Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19
[210] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29
[211] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7
[212] And they came in, and possessed it
; but they obeyed not thy voice, neither walked in thy law; they have done nothing of all that thou commandedst them to do: therefore thou hast caused all this evil to come upon them:  Jeremiah 32:23
[213] To fulfil the word of the LORD by the mouth of Jeremiah, until the land had enjoyed her sabbaths: for as long as she lay desolate she kept sabbath, to fulfil threescore and ten years.  II Chronicles 36:21
[214] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  Matthew 7:11
[215] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17
[216] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9
[217] Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.  Proverbs 31:3
[218] It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: 5Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.  Proverbs 31:4-5 
[219] Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.  Proverbs 31:6-7
[220] Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. 9Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.  Proverbs 31:8-9
[221] She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Proverbs 31:12
[222] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11
[223]A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.  Proverbs 12:4
[224] She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.  Proverbs 31:26
[225] There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Proverbs 12:18
[226] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.  Proverbs 31:28
[227] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:29
[228] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.  Proverbs 31:31
[229] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.  Mark 9:35
[230] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Mark 10:42-45
[231] And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;  II Timothy 2:24-25
[232] (Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)  Numbers 12:3
[233] Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go:  Proverbs 22:24
[234] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28
[235] An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression.  Proverbs 29:22
[236] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.  Philippians 2:3
[237] Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go:  Proverbs 22:24
[238] Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me
; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:29-30
[239] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband.  Ruth 1:9a
[240] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34
[241] There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Proverbs 12:18
[242] A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.  Proverbs 15:1
[243] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28
[244] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4  especially his wife’s!
[245] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7
[246] And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.  Matthew 25:40
[247] Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.  Matthew 25:45
[248] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant
.  Malachi 2:14
[249] Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer. 11Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come.  I Corinthians 10:10-11
[250] She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.  Proverbs 31:18
[251] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him.  Matthew 27:19
[252] Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.  Ruth 3:18
[253] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:3
[254] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her
.  Genesis 29:21
[255] Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?  Proverbs 6:27
[256] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth:  Genesis 5:3
[257] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death
;  Judges 16:16
[258] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9
[259] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#sureHeOpensHisHeart
[260] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#sureHeGivesHerRest
[261] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 19
[262] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 128 citing D. H. Hoskins, “Consequences of Parenting on Adolescent Outcomes,” Societies 4 No. 3 (2014) : 506-31
[263] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 121
[264] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 120
[265] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[266] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37 quoting I. Schneiderman, O. Zagoory-Sharon, J. F. Leckman, and R. Feldman, “Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity,” Psychoneuroendocrinology 37 no 8 (Aug 2012): 1277-85
[267] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[268] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[269] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[270] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[271] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
[272] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[273] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[274] Fisher, Anatomy of Love, p 21-23
[275] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[276] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[277] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 33
[278] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[279] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[280] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[281] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[282] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9
[283] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 108
[284] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[285] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[286] Fisher, Anatomy of Love, p 21-23
[287] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[288] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[289] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Fisher, Anatomy of Love, PP 151-152
[290] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 65 quoting L. M. Diamond and J. A. Nickerson, “The Neuroimaging of Love and Desire: Review and Future Directions,” Clinical Neuropsychiatry 9, no. 1 (2012): pp 36-46
[291] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 62 quoting Regnerus and Uecker, premarital Sex in America, p 106
[292] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37 quoting I. Schneiderman, O. Zagoory-Sharon, J. F. Leckman, and R. Feldman, “Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity,” Psychoneuroendocrinology 37 no 8 (Aug 2012): 1277-85
[293] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 pp 34-35
[294] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[295] And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.  Genesis 3:20
[296] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Genesis 2:23
[297] And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.  Genesis 3:20
[298] There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female
: for ye are all one
 in Christ Jesus.  Galatians 3:28
[299] This is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen (https://a.co/d/0SiJvt1) who found that men want to solve problems; women want to know that they’ve been understood.  She also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant” (https://a.co/d/fPtIrOQ)
[300] https://towardsdatascience.com/can-we-let-algorithm-take-decisions-we-cannot-explain-a4e8e51e2060
[301] A woman posted a note, “After years of marriage, I realized that when my husband talks, he means exactly what the words mean, nothing less and nothing more.  That makes it very hard for him to understand what I’m saying.”
[302] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death
.  Genesis 24:67
[303] And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.  Deuteronomy 6:5
[304] And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live.  Deuteronomy 30:6
[305] Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  Matthew 22:37
[306] And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.  Mark 12:30
[307] And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.  Luke 10:27
[308] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.  Proverbs 21:9
[309] A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.  Proverbs 19:13
[310] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.  Proverbs 21:19
[311] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.  Proverbs 25:24
[312] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.  Proverbs 27:15
[313] A person who was deliberately abused as a child or in an earlier relationship may have a hard time believing in good faith.  In such cases, we can’t forgive in our own strength, we must ask God for strength to forgive, page 88, and urge the offender to seek God’s forgiveness.  Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand on page 6 shows how He forgave His disciples when they went fishing instead of starting His church.  He will forgive anyone who chooses to believe in Him and asks for His help.
[314] Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
[315] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust.  Ruth 2:11-12
[316] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.  Malachi 2:14
[317] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[318] Time Magazine, March 13, 2017, p 23
[319] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.  Psalm 103:12
[320] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:11
[321] And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:32
[322] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.  Ephesians 5:1-2
[323] Since Adam’s sin brought sin into the world, some people abuse their spouses and children, causing emotional or physical hurt deliberately.  Abuse situations are very difficult to cure unless the abuser accepts the forgiveness of Christ and repents.  The Apostle Peter advised that abusers may be won “without the word” by seeing forgiveness and love (1 Peter 3:1-2).
[324] Behold, every one that useth proverbs shall use this proverb against thee, saying, As is the mother, so is her daughter.  Ezekiel 16:44
[325] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth:  Genesis 5:3
[326] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men;  II Corinthians 5:11a
[327] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen who found that men want to solve problems whereas women seek affirmation that they’ve been understood.  She also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[328] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.  Genesis 3:19
[329] a prudent wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14b
[330] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 2:16
[331] I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 6:3
[332] The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.  Song of Solomon 2:8
[333] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.  Galatians 5:22-23
[334] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh
; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:  Ephesians 5:29
[335] But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.  I Timothy 5:8
[336] And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.  I Kings 11:3
[337] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me
: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:2-3
[338] Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold.  Deuteronomy 17:17 
[339] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.  Proverbs 19:13b
[340] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.  Proverbs 21:9
[341] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.  Proverbs 21:19
[342] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.  Proverbs 25:24
[343] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.  Proverbs 27:15
[344] The region of the air; the sky or heavens; the great arch or expanse over our heads, in which are placed the atmosphere and the clouds
[345] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:  I Peter 3:15
[346] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead:  II Corinthians 5:14
[347] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.  Ephesians 2:10
[348] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4
[349] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.  I Peter 5:
[350] For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.  John 3:16-17
[351] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67
[352]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:5-6
[353] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.  Mark 10:8
[354] Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.  II Corinthians 5:20
[355] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?  I Corinthians 6:19
[356] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all.  Luke 17:27
[357] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;  Ephesians 5:25
[358] Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.  Philippians 4:4
[359] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:33
[360] But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.  II Peter 3:18
[361] Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:  Philippians 1:6
[362] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead:  II Corinthians 5:14
[363] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:11
[364] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.  Ephesians 5:1-2
[365] Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.  Matthew 5:16
[366] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16
[367] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband.  Ruth 1:9a
[368] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Mark 10:42-45
[369] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.  Mark 9:35
[370] And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.  John 10:28
[371] Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.  Romans 7:1-3
[372] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.  Mark 9:35
[373] And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  Mark 10:44
[374] I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.  Romans 12:1
posted by Bill Taylor at 4:52 PM 
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