{"id":20729,"date":"2024-10-09T18:40:21","date_gmt":"2024-10-09T22:40:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/awarningministry.com\/?p=20729"},"modified":"2024-10-09T18:47:37","modified_gmt":"2024-10-09T22:47:37","slug":"i-would-choose-to-be-barefoot-pregnant-and-in-the-kitchen-every-day-over-being-or-doing-anything-in-the-workforce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/awarningministry.com\/index.php\/2024\/10\/09\/i-would-choose-to-be-barefoot-pregnant-and-in-the-kitchen-every-day-over-being-or-doing-anything-in-the-workforce\/","title":{"rendered":"I would choose to be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen every day over being or doing anything in the workforce."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"May
The Transformed Wife<\/a> – Facebook<\/a> <\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Transformed Wife<\/a> – Facebook<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bill Taylor: If you are going to do that, it helps to be careful to give your husband rest in being married to you. That works both ways, of course. Making your spouse feel safe in being married to you is the foundation of a lasting marriage.It\u2019s a LOT of work but the rewards of having your spouse LIKE being married to you make it all worthwhile. Here\u2019s how to do it: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage Under Threat: Hear the Voice of the Bridegroom Concerning Holy Matrimony (successful-marriage.blogspot.com)<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Give Your Sp<\/a>ouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Naomi gave the foundation of marriage when she hoped her daughters would find rest<\/em> with new husbands:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The LORD grant you that ye may find rest<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, each of you in the house of her husband.  Ruth 1:9a<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

On our very next date after my wife agreed to marry me, she asked that I never criticize her.  \u201cYour opinion of me will be very important to me.  I want to love you very much,\u201d she said.  \u201cThe more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me.  I won\u2019t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She had a point \u2013 nowhere<\/em> in the Bible does a husband criticize his wife, see page<\/a> 96.  I don\u2019t want to keep her from loving me.  I watch what I say so she can feel safe<\/em> and find rest<\/em> in loving me.  Scripture tells how:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Pro. 12:18<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Colossians 3:19<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Proverbs 31:26<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

People who love each other can be hurt badly by unkind words.  We try to be sure<\/em> our tongues are health<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32<\/sup>And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. 1<\/sup>Be ye therefore followers of God<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, as dear children; 2<\/sup>And walk in love<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.  Ephesians 4:31-5:2<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our sins have been washed away.  When God looks on my wife or me, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:11[274]<\/a>).  To be a follower of God, we must see each other and think of each other and speak of each other as having the same perfection that God sees in us by His grace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This makes it safe for me to rest in loving her.  Men don\u2019t want to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt.  Jesus sent His disciples out as God had sent Him and gave them the Holy Spirit (Jn. 20:21-22[275]<\/sup><\/a>).  Peter led them to go fishing instead.  Jesus fed them and then asked Peter \u201cDo you love Me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Peter had seen Jesus weep.  He knew that if he let himself love the lost as Jesus had, he would be hurt when people he loved chose not to accept the gospel.  Having created Peter, Jesus knew that Peter loved Jesus.  Jesus\u2019 questions didn\u2019t make Peter love Jesus, but forced him to admit to himself that he loved Jesus.  Admitting his love for Jesus made Peter want to please Jesus; he spread the Gospel for the rest of his life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I understand Peter because my dad never admitted to himself that he loved my mother.  He said he did:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.  Matthew 15:8<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

He never appreciated the work she did to support his ministry.  The hardest thing about being a missionary wife is that learning enough of a foreign culture to share womanly feelings is far more difficult than learning enough to spread the Gospel.  When my wife tried to talk about raising me, my mother had felt so unloved and had had so little conversation that she\u2019d forgotten how to do woman-talk.  She spoke of leaving my dad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.  Proverbs 17:22<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Feeling neither loved nor appreciated dried my mother\u2019s bones.  She thought dad would leave her when she was diagnosed with cancer, but he took early retirement and cared for her until she died.  She finally<\/em> knew he loved her, but by that time it was too late.  She died at 62; her mother lived into her nineties.  Given the choice of living 30 more years feeling unloved or dying knowing she was loved, she\u2019d have chosen early death.  Being convinced of being loved and appreciated is life to a wife.  Don\u2019t<\/em> dry your wife\u2019s bones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our care to have the law of kindness in our tongues makes it safe for us to love each other.  Our love for Jesus makes us want to please Him by loving each other and serving each other.  We strive to make our home safe for everyone\u2019s feelings, emotions, and hurts.  That makes our home safe for us and for our children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a woman wants a man to change, she should find a way to make her point without saying anything.  Some say, \u201cA woman can\u2019t change a man by loving him.  He changes himself when he loves her.\u201d  God says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 by the conversation[276]<\/a> of the wives;  I Peter 3:1<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That means without saying anything<\/em>.  When we married, I\u2019d lived 9 years in non-family situations.  When I tracked mud into our house, she grabbed a rag and silently wiped up behind me.  I quit doing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was frustrated when I put the quilt on our bed wrong \u2013 both sides looked the same to me.  She decided I really didn\u2019t know which way was up and told me where to put the tag \u2013 that solved the problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll say, \u201cThat didn\u2019t work out as well as we<\/em> expected\u2026\u201d  Note the \u201cwe.\u201d  She does most things to please me so I\u2019m part of all she does.  My taking responsibility means I\u2019m not criticizing her<\/em> when things go wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you die, people will remember the very last thing<\/em> you said.  Never say anything which wouldn\u2019t please you as a last memory of you.  You can apologize, but you can\u2019t un-say anything, <\/em>not ever<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, \/ Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit \/ Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, \/ Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.\u201d \u2015 Omar Khayy\u00e1m<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Before marriage, a couple should agree that anyone who must<\/em> leave to avoid saying something harmful will be back within 24 hours.  We know a couple who didn\u2019t have this agreement.  When she had<\/em> to leave soon after marriage and didn\u2019t say she\u2019d return, he thought it was over.  She came back after a few hours of cooling down, but he never got over his fear that she\u2019d abandon him.  Men are more sensitive than they\u2019ll admit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Helping each other feel safe during all the frustrations of life is a challenge.  Office conflict costs so much that conflict avoidance has been studied a lot.  Here\u2019s some guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage<\/a>[277]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Answers for the Lost<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

God expects us to be ready to explain<\/em> our joy this life[278]<\/a>.  If people see the fruit of the spirit[279]<\/sup><\/a> in us, they may ask why we have more hope and more joy than they do.  God gave us the honor of laboring together with Him<\/em>.  We plant and water[280]<\/sup><\/a> by telling people how to find the joy of the Lord[281]<\/sup><\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God expects couples to dedicate their lives to serving Him by serving each other and their children.  As a Christian, you should be convinced that God loves you, He wants your life to glorify Him, and He created your spouse to bless you.  You\u2019ll find the keys to a joyful life in His word, so read it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society once supported marriage.  It was illegal<\/em> for a man and woman to live together without being married and divorce was very difficult.  All states have passed no-fault laws so that either party can walk away for any reason or for no reason.  It\u2019s easier to get out of a marriage than to get out of paying for a refrigerator.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Romans 7:4[282]<\/a> uses the word \u201cmarriage\u201d to describe the relationship between an individual Christian and Christ.  Holy Matrimony is a picture of the unbreakable bond between Jesus and each of His believers.  Lost people see unhappy Christian marriages and divorce.  If we can\u2019t handle this life any better than they, why should they care what we say about the life to come?  Divorce damages our children and our testimony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A bad marriage shows the misery of Hell, but God wants every marriage to show the joys of Heaven.  John 3:16 sums up salvation in one verse, can you give one verse<\/em> which shows how marriage works?  See page<\/a> 4.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Churches must teach us to thank God for His Simple Plan of Marriage.  Older women must teach young women about men[283]<\/sup><\/a>.  Older men must teach young men to honor, praise, respect, and protect women.[284]<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our <\/a>Answers<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

My mother taught me John 3:16 so long ago that I can\u2019t remember not knowing it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  John 3:16<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Jesus died on the cross to take the punishment for my sins, and His blood washed all of my sins and shame away.  I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd<\/sup> grade, but I had no understanding of the Christian walk.  I realized in the spring of 1961 that my 10th<\/sup> grade classmates were going where God didn\u2019t want me to go.  I vividly remember choosing not to go their way and I\u2019ve tried to follow God\u2019s path ever since.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife accepted Christ about the same age I did.  Her father started her helping teach Sunday School when she was 12.  She remembers sanctifying herself to go God\u2019s way in 12th<\/sup> grade.  We both knew<\/em> that God was good, that God loved both of us, and that God gave us the Bible to bless us if<\/em> we chose to follow it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife always<\/em> wanted to be a wife and mother.  She knew<\/em> that Titus 2:4-5283<\/sup>, Eph. 5:22-24[285]<\/sup><\/a>, and Eph. 5:33326<\/sup> told her to obey her husband.  She had faith that obeying God would bless her even though she couldn\u2019t understand how.  She saw that she had to find a man whom she trusted and respected enough to obey, who was going where God wanted her to go, and who would help her glorify God along with him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men, it\u2019s hard for a woman to respect you if you aren\u2019t respectable.  How can your wife honor you if you aren\u2019t honorable?  She can\u2019t obey you if she doesn\u2019t understand what you want; she can\u2019t follow you unless she knows where you\u2019re going and unless she trusts you.  Here\u2019s a problem: God made men and women think very differently, for good reason.  Women often have a hard time understanding a man\u2019s thinking or his plans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some men say that women are too emotional to understand men, but \u201ca prudent wife is from the LORD (Pr. 19:14b).\u201d  The exact mixture of logic and emotion that God gave each woman is from Him.  A man\u2019s wife needs a lot of explanation.  He must<\/em> explain his plans.  No matter how much longsuffering it takes!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25<\/sup>In meekness instructing<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 those that oppose themselves; II Timothy 2:24-25a<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is for all<\/em> Christians, not just for husbands, particularly the part about \u201cin meekness instructing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parents and Churches <\/a>Must Teach Holy Matrimony<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Society has abandoned marriage, so we must teach how it\u2019s done.  Society claims that men and women are have the same needs.  In addition to teaching young women how to love husbands, older women must also teach what women are<\/em>!  Knowing God\u2019s plan for them helps girls remember the right answers to give men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and obtaineth favour<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What do babies do when anything<\/em> goes wrong?  Scream for mommy.  Toddlers run and find<\/em> mommy.  A child knows that daddy\u2019s wife is a Good Thing; daddy should know it and proclaim it to everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies<\/p>\n\n\n\n

. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Proverbs 31:10-12<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9<\/sup>Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  I Corinthians 11:8-9<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Daughters must be taught that getting attention from men without setting boundaries leads to trouble:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

God multiplied sorrow to women by making them sensitive to how men treat them, and He strengthened a woman\u2019s desire to be with a man as a punishment<\/em>.  Girls must be careful<\/em> about getting involved with men:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

A woman shouldn\u2019t let herself get emotionally tangled with a man until after<\/em> he marries her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus told us that men marry, women are given in marriage.  A wife is a gift to her husband:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage<\/p>\n\n\n\n

,  Luke 17:27a<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a church wedding, some old guy comes in with the bride.  What\u2019s he doing?  He says that he and her mother are giving her to her husband.  That\u2019s OK, but a wife is also a gift from whom?  From God:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  Matthew 7:11<\/strong>  This is worth repeating:<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

A wife is a good and perfect gift from God to her husband.  Honor her for being a woman with emotions!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1 Peter 3:<\/strong>7 commands giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me<\/p>\n\n\n\n

; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman who involves herself with a man takes on the yoke of pleasing him.  Will he make his yoke easy and his burden light by helping her learn of him?  She can\u2019t please him without knowing his wants in detail<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ladies, you must first know what<\/em> you are: God\u2019s good and perfect gifts to your husbands<\/em>, and insist<\/em> on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Advantages of a <\/a>Meek and Quiet Spirit<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Women must also be taught to behave modestly to avoid unwanted male attention.  Modern society teaches girls to dress in revealing clothes and to flirt to attract attention from men.  That\u2019s anti-Biblical:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4<\/sup>But let it be the hidden man of the heart<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, which is in the sight of God of great price.  I Peter 3:3-4<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array<\/p>\n\n\n\n

; 10<\/sup>But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.  I Timothy 2:9-10<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society teaches women to act like toys.  Godly behavior is the opposite of flirting, dressing in \u201cmarketing mode,\u201d or giving signals that tell men \u201ccome play with me.\u201d  If you aren\u2019t giving it away, don\u2019t advertise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ever watch a boy play with a toy truck?  He pushes it one way then another way until he gets tired of it.  Then he throws it away and grabs another toy.  It\u2019s wrong for a man to stir up a woman\u2019s emotions by playing with her, but many men play with women when women let them or advertise their availability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with.  Fifteen years later, I still don\u2019t think I\u2019m over him.  I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him.  I\u2019m married now and I feel like it\u2019s a threesome in my heart.  He is still there.  It is like he is a part of me and I still can\u2019t get over him.\u201d[286]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

When Magic Johnson talked about having AIDS in 1991, I read that women dressed in low-cut spandex and lined up outside locker rooms.  Athletes would come out, choose a toy from the lineup, and go off to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How could a woman give herself to a man who didn\u2019t even know her name?  A reporter interviewed some of the women.  Their general feeling was, \u201cWe are nothing and will always be nothing.  But when we\u2019re in bed with a hero, some of his greatness rubs off on us.\u201d  How sad<\/em> that these women hadn\u2019t been taught that God created them to be His treasured gift for one man<\/em>, not sex toys who wander from man to man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction.  The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.\u201d[287]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

 \u201c. . . the inability to bond after multiple liaisons is rooted in the fact that our behaviors actually physically change our brains.  The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.\u201d[288]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9300<\/sup>).  Giving herself to a man binds her to him.  Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly.  Breaking up can make it very hard for either of them to form a strong marriage later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOne significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval.  Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .\u201d[289]<\/a>  [Because women are made for men; men aren\u2019t made for women.]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

The book \u201cUnprotected\u201d by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman https:\/\/a.co\/d\/fIG4k9d<\/a> confirms that casual sex is very damaging.  Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other emotional problems at a university, she wrote that a woman can become very depressed when she finds that her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex.  Most women associate sex with permanent commitment; men not as much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are \u201cdesigned\u201d to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life.  This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter.[290]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Men Don\u2019t Always <\/a>Respect or Honor Women<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Sinful men pervert God\u2019s gift of attraction between men and women and may rape or murder just to get pleasure from a woman.  Sarah was so beautiful that Abraham had her say that she was his sister because he feared he\u2019d be murdered when he traveled to Egypt during a famine (Gen. 12:10-20).  Sure enough:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.   Genesis 12:15<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pharaoh didn\u2019t ask if Sarah wanted<\/em> to come into his house.  Adam didn\u2019t ask Eve whether she wanted to be called \u201cwoman (Gen. 2:23)\u201d or \u201cEve (Gen. 3:20).\u201d  Nobody asked Esther whether she wanted<\/em> to belong to King Ahasuerus (Est. 2:8[291]<\/sup><\/a>).  David didn\u2019t ask Bathsheba if she wanted to date him (2 Sam. 11:4[292]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Isaac traveled to Gerar to flee a famine.  He was afraid that men would murder him to have Rebekah and told her to say she was his sister.  The local ruler wasn\u2019t happy about being deceived:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Genesis 26:10<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rape would be only a light moment of pleasure because Rebekah had no right to her own body.  She was married, however, so her rapist would have been guilty of a property crime against her husband<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Bible isn\u2019t alone in describing a man\u2019s natural attitude of taking rape lightly.  \u201cThe Sexual Assault Case That Shook Ancient Rome<\/a>\u201d[293]<\/sup><\/a> explains:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A prominent politician was accused of raping a 12-year-old actress<\/strong>\u2014in 54 B.C. The way his legendary lawyer dismissed it speaks volumes about how we prosecute these crimes now. . . .<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

It was more than 2,000 years before the #MeToo movement, but a scene similar to the ones we\u2019ve witnessed so often lately was already playing out. A prominent politician was on trial for corruption and bribery, charges bolstered by dirt his enemies had dug up from his past: the violent sexual assault of a young girl<\/strong>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Those charges of corruption and bribery were a serious matter, but to the men in the court, the rape charge was nothing. It was harmless boys-will-be-boys misbehavior<\/strong> \u2014 something half the men there were guilty of themselves.  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Women must be taught to be careful.  Women complain about \u201crape culture\u201d but put themselves in danger by getting drunk.  If a woman leaves her purse in a convertible with the top down, is it a surprise if someone steals it?  People shouldn\u2019t steal and men shouldn\u2019t rape, but should women be careful?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Treating sex as play harms women.  A woman should be valued for far<\/em> more than sex.  Being treated as a toy and discarded can make it hard for a woman to trust a husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as he and God expect.288<\/sup><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women need Answers <\/a>when a Man Approaches<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

God helped us a lot as my wife and I courted and married.  We understood the basics from Bible reading and attending church, but we missed two major ideas.  We made two bad mistakes that could have damaged our marriage, but God protected us because we\u2019d involved Him.  More on that later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman needs answers when a man\u2019s interested in her.  A year before I found her, my wife thought she\u2019d marry her boyfriend.  He was a youth group leader and served in the church, but he could be very negative.  Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time at church with the man she loved.  Other weekends were awful because he tore her down.  She never knew how their time together would go.  She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected unkindly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her parents had always loved her and encouraged her.  She\u2019d been an outgoing person before she met him.  They were worried at seeing her become withdrawn and uncertain from being around him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him.  To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew his family.  He said her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way<\/em> she\u2019d be able to make him happy.  When she asked her boyfriend about it, he huffed, \u201cThat\u2019s the way I am.  If you don\u2019t like it, good bye!\u201d so she stopped seeing him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What was her mistake?  She hadn\u2019t guarded her heart:Keep thy heart with all diligence<\/p>\n\n\n\n

; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God!  Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:  Proverbs 32:7a<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.  Matthew 15:18<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Our hearts define what we are, but we\u2019re supposed<\/em> to rule our emotions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Having learned why<\/em> she should let God direct her (Pr. 3:5-6[294]<\/sup><\/a>), she asked God to choose her husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A year went by and she wanted<\/em> to marry.  She prayed, \u201cOh God, please, send me a husband or make me content without one.\u201d  One day, as she opened her hymnbook, she felt that she\u2019d been seen<\/em> by a man behind her.  \u201cIs this my husband?\u201d she thought.  She was thinking of marrying me before she even saw me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She felt<\/em> my interest in her.  This \u201csituational sense\u201d is how God protects women from bigger, stronger men.  Gavin de Becker\u2019s \u201cThe Gift of Fear\u201d https:\/\/a.co\/d\/4t8Ik2u<\/a> describes women who were robbed or raped.  They said they felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking.  His book says to pay attention<\/em> when we feel something\u2019s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not.  A woman can see into a man\u2019s heart if she looks (Judges 16:18a[295]<\/sup><\/a>).  Many ignore God\u2019s gift for protecting women and refuse to look because they\u2019re afraid they might see something negative and have to call it off . . .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We talked for an hour or so after church, then I told her I was going to date her.  I didn\u2019t ask her, I told<\/em> her.  Way back then, women\u2019s lib told women not to follow any man; I needed to know if she\u2019d take direction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Mark 10:45<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Mark 9:35<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A man must lead a woman by serving her, but that works only if she\u2019s willing to follow, see page<\/a> 86.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She knew I was taking command.  Wheels turned behind her eyes 15-20 seconds.  She heard God ask, \u201cWho\u2019s going to choose?  You or me?\u201d so she gulped and said \u201cOK.\u201d  She gulped even though she wanted to date me and was pretty sure God planned to give her to me.  Having seen her friends hurt badly by men, she knew that getting involved with a man would have a profound effect on her life.  She\u2019s not alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[296]<\/sup><\/a>).  It wasn\u2019t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn\u2019t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[297]<\/sup><\/a>).  Why did she veil?  She knew Isaac\u2019s plans<\/em> would have a strong<\/em> effect on her.  All she knew of Isaac was that he was a relative who could fling the bling (Gen. 24:53[298]<\/sup><\/a>).  She hoped<\/em> to find rest in marriage to him.  Covering herself gave her a little space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her Terms <\/a>and Conditions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I asked my future wife to lunch at the next opportunity.  She said \u201cYes,\u201d but as we were leaving church for the restaurant, she gave her real<\/em> answer.  \u201cBefore you spend any money on me, you should know that I\u2019m looking for a husband.  I\u2019m not just looking for fun; I want to get married.  I\u2019m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry.  God made me to be a treasure for some man<\/em>.  If you aren\u2019t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I\u2019m not a toy<\/em>.  I don\u2019t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart.  When a woman lets herself fall in love with a man who isn\u2019t willing to marry anyone, she\u2019s crusin\u2019 for a brusin\u2019; she\u2019s in for a world of hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me<\/em> to pay her<\/em> way.  In the past, a woman wouldn\u2019t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn\u2019t marry unless he\u2019d grown up enough to have a job.  Even back in 1971, many women lived with men without marriage, paid \u201ctheir share\u201d of the rent, and became \u201cfriends with benefits.\u201d  She was letting me know she<\/em> wasn\u2019t going to do that<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When God told Adam he\u2019d eat by the sweat of his face, God made no provision for Eve to eat.  Women aren\u2019t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery; the Chinese character for \u201cman\u201d combines \u201cfield\u201d and \u201cstrength\u201d because men provide strength in the field.  For generations, a woman starved unless she could please a man enough for him to choose to feed her.  The Bible sums up marriage in one verse:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife<\/p>\n\n\n\n

; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

She made the same points.  She expected me to pay, she expected marriage, she expected me to treat her as a treasure, and she planned to be<\/em> a treasure.  Rebekah knew<\/em> Isaac loved her so she was able to comfort him.  A woman can\u2019t<\/em> comfort a man unless she feels loved<\/em>.  A woman can\u2019t create much love, but she multiplies<\/em> all the love her husband gives her and fills her house and church with love and light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She re-emphasized marriage by telling me she wasn\u2019t a toy.  She\u2019d seen her friends get involved with men who didn\u2019t see anything wrong with sex outside marriage even if the woman wasn\u2019t willing, see page<\/a> 40.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[299]<\/sup><\/a>, 1 Cor. 11:8-9[300]<\/sup><\/a>).  A woman who loves a man puts on the yoke of pleasing him (1 Cor. 7:34[301]<\/sup><\/a>).  She needs a man who\u2019s naturally<\/em> pleased with her the way God made her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a man says he loves a girl, he means he wants her to open her body to him.  Men think the birth control pill means a girl plans to have sex.  This makes it hard to say \u201cNo,\u201d so she shouldn\u2019t take it.  She can say, \u201cWe can\u2019t do that, you\u2019ll get me pregnant.  The pill has dangers so I\u2019m not taking it.  No sex unless we\u2019re married, and I won\u2019t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that\u2019s why men want women.  I was attracted to her, I liked talking to her, and she tells me she plans to be God\u2019s treasure for her husband!  I didn\u2019t know she had no idea what being my treasure meant, but I knew exactly<\/em> what it would be like to have her be God\u2019s treasure for me<\/em>.  If she meant that<\/em>, I\u2019d be a fool not to marry her.  I said, \u201cSure,\u201d and we went to lunch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth – William Shakespeare<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

On the way to the restaurant, I did something very Japanese that made her angry.  She could have gotten in her car and driven home.  If she\u2019d done that, I\u2019d have been badly hurt and we probably wouldn\u2019t have married.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She thought, \u201cThis guy\u2019s smitten with me.  He didn\u2019t offer to buy me food to make me mad.\u201d  Instead of showing anger, she gently<\/em> asked why I\u2019d done it.  When I told her, she liked my reason.  She saw that there would be many such issues, but she could trust me to tell her why<\/em>.  When I opened my heart to her as Boaz opened his heart to Ruth the day they met (Ruth 2:11-12[302]<\/sup><\/a>), she knew that we\u2019d be OK if I told her why.  Her assuming I didn\u2019t want<\/em> to anger her got her a husband.  Assuming good faith is a key to happy marriage!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!\u201d \u2013 Oliver Cromwell<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Putting Marriage on <\/a>the Table<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Was it Biblical to mention marriage first?  Boaz saw Ruth daily as she gleaned (Ru. 2:23[303]<\/sup><\/a>), but Boaz didn\u2019t think of marriage.  Once she gave him the idea, it was such a good<\/em> idea he rushed out and married her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get marriage on the table immediately<\/em>.  If a man won\u2019t agree to consider<\/em> marrying a woman who plans to be God\u2019s treasure for her husband, there\u2019s something wrong<\/em> with him and she shouldn\u2019t waste her time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Answers While Dating<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019d asked God to choose her husband.  Knowing that I didn\u2019t know how to nourish and cherish her, the Holy Spirit led her to tell me about herself.  This was of God because I understood what she said.  After we married, her mind works so differently from mine that it took me a year to begin<\/em> to understand her own thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On our second date, she told me she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night.  She\u2019d asked God to protect her years ago, now she asked me to help God protect her.  I knew God commands purity so I was OK with this.  My classmates were casual about sex.  It was a good thing the Holy Spirit told her to remind me that God expected me to protect her from the moment we met until the hour of my death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Would I Rule Her?<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She saw I could<\/em> rule her when I said we\u2019d date, but she wanted to know how<\/em> I\u2019d rule.  Our third date was at my apartment with my roommate.  She did something I told her not to do.  She said, \u201cYou can\u2019t stop me.\u201d  Ladies, if you challenge a man, he\u2019ll be tempted to react physically.  This puts you at risk.  We didn\u2019t understand the danger.  I carried her upstairs to the shower and let her know she was asking for a soaking.  \u201cI don\u2019t have any other clothes.\u201d  It was summer; the clothes she was wearing would dry in a few hours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She said, \u201cI\u2019ll behave,\u201d so I never turned the shower on.  I didn\u2019t yell; I didn\u2019t hit her.  She knew<\/em> I\u2019d rule gently<\/em> so it would be safe<\/em> to promise to obey me.  She rested in following me and started saying \u201cYes, sir\u201d as the spirit moved her.  Resting<\/em> in me changed her body language so much that at our first visit to her parents\u2019 house the next week, her mother thought, \u201cShe\u2019s calm.  She feels safe<\/em> with him.  They\u2019ll be married soon.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Challenging me wasn\u2019t a good idea, but we didn\u2019t know any better.  She\u2019d accepted God\u2019s guidance but that didn\u2019t keep us from making mistakes along the way.  I hadn\u2019t thought enough about dating to know how else to deal with her challenge.  A friend of ours locked his wife out in the snow until she agreed to get with his program.  Was that a better idea?  Servant leadership works only on the willing; could she follow me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Protecting<\/a> Her Purity<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We had no idea <\/em>how important purity is to Holy Matrimony, but we found out why God had her tell me how much it meant to her.  My desire for her had been building since we met.  She\u2019d made purity important so I played things very cool for weeks.  We knew fornication was wrong; we were saving ourselves for marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was put off because I was so aloof.  She was about to marry me, she was about to commit her life to me, and she wanted to know<\/em> I loved her and that I wanted<\/em> her badly enough to stay<\/em> with her.  She looked at me with a peculiar look and said, \u201cYou\u2019re acting so cold and aloof, I\u2019m not sure you really want me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This 2nd<\/sup> ill-advised challenge blew me away.  Not knowing any better, I reacted as a man.  I was doing my best<\/em> to keep us pure, and she didn\u2019t know I wanted her!  There are times when there\u2019s nothing you can say to a woman, there are times when the only way to convince her is with action<\/em>.  I put my arms firmly<\/em> around her and kissed her thoroughly, just like romance stories, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t know that kissing could trigger her desires.  We hadn\u2019t understood God\u2019s warning:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2<\/sup>Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTouch\u201d carries the meaning of kindling her or arousing her.  Having had no<\/em> instruction in that area, I had crossed God\u2019s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness.  Some tell younger women not to kiss because it may give him ideas.  That\u2019s utterly wrong. <\/em> Men don\u2019t get<\/em> ideas, men have<\/em> ideas.  Kissing can give her<\/em> ideas.  When both parties have the same idea, it\u2019s hard to stop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFrom an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws couples together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug<\/strong> from a partner.\u201d[304]<\/sup><\/a>  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

She relaxed for a few seconds, then struggled, then went limp.  I finished kissing and looked at her.  She was stunned.  She was panting lightly; her face was flushed.  I picked up her hand and it flopped down to her side, she was limp<\/em>.  My kiss had set her off, her hormones<\/em> were in charge; she was mine<\/em> for the taking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I then did the most difficult thing I\u2019ve ever done.  I\u2019d had ideas since the moment we met.  That kiss worked on me, too, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her, but I backed her up until she sat down in a chair, I backed up to another chair, and sat down to get my breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After a few minutes, she said, \u201cWow, you really do<\/em> want me!\u201d  I said, \u201cYeah, but we better get out of here,\u201d and we got.  We were never, ever alone again until after our wedding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She told me what happened.  She said, \u201cI felt a falling sensation, that\u2019s when I struggled, then I was lost.  You could\u2019ve done anything<\/em> you wanted with me, and I couldn\u2019t have done anything about it.  I couldn\u2019t yell, I couldn\u2019t struggle, I was yours.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s how date rape happens, a man rubs her or kisses her for a few seconds at the wrong time, and she\u2019s his.<\/em>  The man will say \u201cshe wanted it.\u201d  She may have wanted it, but so what?  Eve wanted the forbidden fruit and Adam, whom God told to protect (keep) the garden (Gen. 2:15[305]<\/sup><\/a>), failed to protect her from her desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was the hardest thing we ever did, but we\u2019re so glad we waited.  We had to talk through our disagreements.  We couldn\u2019t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.\u201d[306]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

How can a woman follow a man or obey him when she knows<\/em> he failed to protect her from his desires or from her desires?  If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women?  If she gave herself without marriage, how can he trust her?  Studies show that\u2019s not a good foundation for marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex\u201d[307]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

There is a cure.  The man is the leader so he must apologize to her, to her parents, and to God.  If she enticed him, she also must apologize to him and to her parents.  Then<\/em> God can cleanse them (1 Jn. 1:9[308]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being Confident She\u2019s <\/a>Wanted<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A woman wants to be sure<\/em> that a potential husband wants her badly.  If she\u2019s attracted strongly enough to a man to consider spending the rest of her life with him, she wants him to be absolutely nuts over her.  She knows that the time will come when she’s got the flu, she’s pregnant out to here<\/em>, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she’s too sick to do anything about it.  If he’s really smitten with her, he’ll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.  But how does she know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before the welfare system existed, a father knew that his daughter and his grandchildren could starve if her husband abandoned her.  Prospective bridegrooms among the Fulani tribesmen in Nigeria had to prove their manhood and their desire for the woman by submitting to a severe flogging.[309]<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. 17<\/sup>And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife.  Joshua 15:16-17<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Othniel wanted Achsah badly enough to risk his life in battle.  Legends tell us that knights in the Middle Ages performed daring deeds to win a lady\u2019s favor, a concept rooted in the chivalric code.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTo be a great knight, you ought to have consideration of civilians, for women,\u201d Wollock says. \u201cThe greatest knights are inspired by the love of some lady out there and want to impress her and win her love by doing great deeds.\u201d[310]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Women always want to know, but challenging a man physically isn\u2019t a safe way to test his desire.  Her father or other male relative can measure his commitment when talking with him, page<\/a> 71.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talking is More Importan<\/a>t to Wives than Men Can Imagine<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The Book of Esther shows how badly wives want<\/em> to talk to husbands.  King Ahasuerus had an empire-wide beauty contest for a new queen.  Esther won and became queen.  When Haman conspired to murder all the Jews, Esther\u2019s uncle Mordecai asked her to talk to her husband to try to stop the slaughter.  Esther replied:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All the king’s servants, and the people of the king’s provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or women<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Esther 4:11<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ahasuerus \u201cloved Esther above all the women (Esther 2:17)\u201d but he ignored her for a month.  Wives really<\/em> want to talk to their husbands.  Suppose the king told them not to come to his office.  When a king\u2019s wife tried to come in to talk to him, would a guard get physical with her to keep her out?  Not if he valued his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The only<\/em> way to keep his wives from trying to talk to him when he hadn\u2019t called was to threaten them with death!  That<\/em> is how badly wives yearn<\/em> to talk to husbands.  Proverbs 17:22 teaches, \u201cA merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.\u201d  Not being able to talk to her husband dries her bones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some say, \u201cIf a man loves a woman\u2019s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won\u2019t satisfy him.\u201d  Opening his heart enough to love a woman\u2019s soul takes so many days of talk that a man can\u2019t belong to more than one.  Instead of having one woman enjoy belonging to him, Solomon had 1,000 unhappy women under his roof.  No wonder<\/em> his soul was empty (Ec. 7:27-28[311]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why did David want Bathsheba when he had so many wives?  Because he hadn\u2019t taken the time to open his heart to any of his wives enough to love her soul<\/em>.  He wasn\u2019t satisfied, so he lusted after Bathsheba.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t know that, so the Holy Spirit had my wife-to-be explain.  Shortly before our wedding, she told me she was looking forward to being married.  I thought we were on the same page, but she went on.  \u201cI really like talking to you.  Once we\u2019re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What??!!  That\u2019s more talk than a man can imagine<\/em>, she was expecting hours per day!  I\u2019d been talking a lot <\/em>while dating because we couldn\u2019t do anything else.  I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn\u2019t have<\/em> to talk about it any more.  As she got marriage on the table, as she asked me to focus my attention on her alone, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine <\/em>was an important part of our coming marriage covenant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had no idea how vital this was.  Let\u2019s just say that a woman can\u2019t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants.  She can\u2019t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know<\/em> what he wants.  Then she can be sure<\/em> he\u2019ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[312]<\/sup><\/a>).  It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can begin to understand what a woman is saying.  If I hadn\u2019t promised to talk to her, I\u2019d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says \u201cThe heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.\u201d  God wanted me to know that it was OK to open my heart to her.  Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me makes her mine.  The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife should belong to each other.  God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and all that talk made me hers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was really<\/em> put off by the idea of so much talk, but the Holy Spirit\u2019s timing was perfect \u2013 I couldn\u2019t contain:<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.  I Corinthians 7:9<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

That weekend her mother told me, \u201cThere\u2019s so much to do<\/em>.  We may have to postpone the wedding.\u201d  I told her she could postpone the wedding, but I wasn\u2019t going to postpone the honeymoon.  She got it done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she saw us after the honeymoon, she asked if I\u2019d learned how to handle her daughter.  \u201cYes,\u201d I replied.  \u201cWith both hands!\u201d  A woman must be taught that her husband plans to handle her with both hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My eagerness to marry her in spite of asking for all that talk illustrates Naomi\u2019s advice how to get<\/em> married:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.  Ruth 3:18<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Sex has always<\/em> defined marriage.  A woman may guide a man\u2019s house without marrying him, we have housemaids.  A woman may raise a man\u2019s children without marrying him; we have nannies and teachers.  A woman may feed a man without marriage; we have cooks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there\u2019s one<\/em> thing tradition and God <\/em>say they must not do outside marriage,<\/em> and that\u2019s have sex.  As Naomi told Ruth, desire followed by commitment followed by sex defines<\/em> marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jacob worked for Rachel\u2019s father for seven years.  He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked together, and did things together.  Why wasn\u2019t this enough for him?  Why did he want to marry her?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Genesis 29:21<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jacob wanted to marry so he could have sex with Rachel; God and custom<\/em> required marriage before sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many women give a man rest without insisting on marriage.  If he can have her without marrying, what would marriage give him that he doesn\u2019t already have?  There\u2019s an old saying, \u201cIt don\u2019t mean a thing if it ain\u2019t got that zing!\u201d  A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talking the Way a <\/a>Wife Needs is Difficult for a Man<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Men and women speak in such different ways that it\u2019s difficult for them to understand each other<\/a>[313]<\/a>.  Wives, opening his heart to you whenever you want to talk is as hard<\/em> for a man as your opening your body to him whenever he\u2019s able to have you.  The Bible tells women to submit to their husbands.  Doing that<\/em> when she\u2019d rather do something else is what submission is<\/em>.  God gives a very explicit command<\/em> to husbands:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jn. 1:1[314]<\/a> says that God is<\/em> His Word.  Ps. 138:2[315]<\/a> says that God values His word above His Name.  If a Christian doesn\u2019t love the Word of God, does he love God?  If a man doesn\u2019t love his wife\u2019s words, does he love her?  Will she feel loved?  This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, feelings, and think<\/em> about her when making decisions.  If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband brings home chocolate, will she feel loved?  The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation.  There\u2019s a reward \u2013 the better his wife knows him, the more easily she can please him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This can be very hard<\/em>.  My wife\u2019s sister\u2019s husband died and she flew to the service celebrating his life.  She told me about it on the phone and on the way back from the airport.  She told a friend at church sitting close enough that I heard it all.  She then told me everything she\u2019d told her friend.  She went over this very emotional experience at least<\/em> 20 times.  She felt differently about it each time, but to me, she was talking about the same thing, over and over.  I had to care<\/em> about it each time<\/em> in spite of being bored.  That\u2019s hard.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

God is just.  My wife thinks I want to do<\/em> the same old thing over and over.  It\u2019s new and different to me each time, but to her, it\u2019s the same.  \u201cAgain?  Didn\u2019t we just do that?\u201d  God expects us to value each other\u2019s things (Phi. 2:4[316]<\/a>), but it takes hours and days of back-and-forth, question-and-answer to know what they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My son\u2019s wife asked about church policy.  It took 45 minutes of question and answer for me to understand her question because she thought so differently from my wife.  It took 15 minutes to explain my answer.  After another 10 minutes, it turned out that my answer was wrong.  We worked out the right answer together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is no way a man can spend that much time learning about more than one woman.  Obeying God\u2019s command for a husband to know his wife means that he can have only one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why <\/a>Our Purity Was Important<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Serving God by belonging to me cost her far more than she had expected.  My wife knew that God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband (Gen. 3:16[317]<\/sup><\/a>) and she knew that women are made for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[318]<\/sup><\/a>), women must think<\/em> about those passages.  She thought<\/em> God meant that she\u2019d want to get married.  She\u2019d wanted to be a wife and mother all her life; she thought<\/em> she understood what God had in mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobody<\/em> had told her what to expect.  She didn\u2019t know that God had worked on her hormones so that she\u2019d really<\/em> be mine.  A few hours after our wedding, she was shocked<\/em> at how strongly she yearned<\/em> to belong to me.  My taking her to wife had deeply <\/em>changed her feelings.  She\u2019d expected to love me, but she was shocked to lose her sense of independence as God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate.  Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man<\/strong> even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship.  She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can\u2019t make herself separate<\/strong>.  This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive<\/strong>.[319]<\/sup><\/a>  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man humbles a woman by taking her, that\u2019s part<\/em> of the cost of a man in her life.  A wife should choose<\/em> to humble herself in marriage as Jesus humbled Himself on earth:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.  Philippians 4:8<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Humbling herself by belonging to her husband and serving him gladly helps her children have a father, but my wife\u2019s strong feeling of belonging to me made her feel she was falling through space.  Losing her independence was the most frightening experience of her life.  She couldn\u2019t sleep!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her mind wanted her to run and get back her independence, but instead of running, she went in the next room and cried out to God, \u201cOh, Lord, what have I done, I let this man take me, now I belong<\/em> to him!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then she prayed, \u201cGod, I asked you to stop me if he wasn\u2019t right for me, and You didn\u2019t.\u201d  She knew God was faithful.  All her days, she\u2019d prayed that God would work on her<\/em> heart to make her the wife He wanted her to be.  This feeling of belonging to me didn\u2019t make sense, nobody had told her about it, but such a strong feeling from within her had to be God working on her heart as she\u2019d asked Him to do.  She finally prayed, \u201cLord, You must really<\/em> want me to belong to him.  If that\u2019s what You want, I\u2019ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.\u201d  Having chosen<\/em> to humble herself by belonging to me, she came back to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Years later, she thanked me for not taking her before the wedding.  \u201cYou gave me your grandmother\u2019s ring,\u201c she said, \u201cand you promised before God and both our families that you\u2019d take care of me, and I was still<\/em> terrified.  If that had happened before you\u2019d committed yourself to me, I\u2019d have had to work hard <\/em>to turn off that part of my feelings, and I might not have been able to turn them back on.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I Serve God by Serving You<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

24 hours after our wedding, she said, \u201cI\u2019ve been thinking about being married to you.\u201d  I thought, \u201cWe\u2019re married, what\u2019s to talk about,\u201d but she had<\/em> told me talking was important to her, so we talked.  \u201cThe Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,\u201d she said.  I thought, \u201cNeat-o!  We\u2019re on the same page!\u201d but she wasn\u2019t done.  \u201cI\u2019ll do my best to do that,\u201d she said, \u201cbut I\u2019m not doing it for you.  I\u2019m doing it for God because He<\/em> told me to.  I\u2019m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next day, I said, \u201cGod wants me to lead you and take care of you.  The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all.  If I\u2019m to lead you as God wants, I have to lead you by serving you.  You said it well \u2013 I\u2019ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage, like salvation, is an undeserved gift of God.  The only way to be saved is to repent, die to your former life, and be married to Christ (Ro. 7:4[320]<\/sup><\/a>).  A husband won\u2019t deserve his wife\u2019s submission, his wife won\u2019t deserve his giving his life to nourish her; those are undeserved gifts of God\u2019s grace.  God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other, their children, and their church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh.  The only way two people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family.  Each must give the other the same love and grace God gave in salvation (I Pe. 4:10[321]<\/sup><\/a>).  As Christ chose to love you regardless of your sins, you and your spouse must choose<\/em> to love and serve each other no matter what<\/em> \u2018til death do you part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect; you can only do this by the Grace of God.  Watching her husband love her in spite of her failures increases her love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa (II Cor. 5:14a[322]<\/sup><\/a>).  When lost people see a couple give God\u2019s grace to each other, they\u2019ll want God\u2019s grace, and we have the privilege<\/em> of laboring together with God (1 Cor. 3:9[323]<\/sup><\/a>) to tell anyone how to get it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Salvation is about God giving \u2013 for God so loved that He gave.  My wife so loves God that she let God give her to me, I so love God that I let God give me to her.  Our love for each other flows from our love for God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men and Women See <\/a>Marriage Differently<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A healthy man can make love 3-4 times per day, sometimes 5 or 6, but his ability drops with age.  Learning what being my treasure meant<\/em> taught my wife to tell a young lady that her husband plans to have her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed<\/em>.  That\u2019s how she\u2019ll choose to serve him.  That makes a woman angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife then points out that she\u2019ll want her husband to open his heart to her at least<\/em> that often.  That\u2019s how he chooses to serve her.  A girl somehow knows that opening herself to him that much will make her belong to him and that opening himself to her that much will make him belong to her.  It\u2019s hard<\/em> for a man to open his heart to a woman who\u2019s not his and it\u2019s hard<\/em> for a woman to open herself to a man who isn\u2019t hers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The more a man takes his wife, the more she wants to talk.  The more a man talks, the more he wants to have her.  They must \u201cbe subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[324]<\/a>)\u201d to make this work.  The Bible tells how:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5<\/sup>Defraud ye not one the other<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.  I Corinthians 7:4-5<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The wife not having power means she must open herself to her husband to keep him from temptation.  The man not having power of his body means he must open his heart.  If he doesn\u2019t meet her emotional needs, she\u2019ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men.  This often leads to physical infidelity.  God warns that its fraud<\/em> against your marriage vows not to meet your spouse\u2019s needs.  Making your spouse feel safe in being married to you makes it easier for your spouse to meet your needs and avoid temptation, page<\/a> 35.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Traditional marriage vows said \u201cto have and to hold.\u201d  A man marries to have her; she marries so he will hold her.  My wife warns younger women of his dream of 20 times per day to emphasize how utterly different<\/em> a man\u2019s view of sex is from hers.  The Holy Spirit had her tell me she planned to talk more in a day of marriage than in a week of dating.  This warned me that her view of marriage was utterly different<\/em> from mine, page<\/a> 46.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, my lord being old also<\/p>\n\n\n\n

?  Genesis 18:12<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take Sarah\u2019s advice: enjoy your husband while he has the strength of his youth.  It makes him yours:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cVasopressin [the neurochemical that changes a man\u2019s brain as oxytocin changes a woman\u2019s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate<\/strong> and attachment to his offspring<\/strong>. . . . Often referred to as the \u2018monogamy molecule,\u2019 vasopressin seems to be a primary cause of men attaching to a woman with whom they have close and intimate physical contact. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding<\/strong> and bonding between fathers and children<\/strong>.\u201d[325]<\/sup><\/a>  [emphasis added]  A woman gives her children a father by belonging to him.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

And We Lived Happily Ever After<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A wife\u2019s role is important, but the husband has more influence on her happiness than she has.  Having told how God prepared us both for marriage, it\u2019s time to explain why our marriage worked out as well as it has.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She decided to let God give her to me.  She\u2019d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; such a strong<\/em> feeling of belonging to me had<\/em> to be from God.  Once she accepted that, she was able to tell me she planned to belong to me and to serve God by serving me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It never occurred to me that she wouldn\u2019t belong to me.  When I stood at the altar and vowed to God that I\u2019d give up my right to pursue all the other women in the world and focus my masculinity on her, I expected<\/em> her to be mine.  Japanese word \u201cshu-jin\u201d is translated \u201chusband.\u201d  \u201cJin\u201d is \u201cperson;\u201d \u201cshu\u201d is \u201cLord\u201d as in \u201cShu yesu kiristo;\u201d Lord Jesus Christ.  Shujin is literally \u201clord person.\u201d  A Japanese wife can\u2019t refer to her husband without calling him \u201cLord;\u201d it\u2019s built into the language as in Eph. 5:33[326]<\/sup><\/a>.  My possessiveness is of God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8[327]<\/sup><\/a>; Mk. 7:6[328]<\/sup><\/a>) without honoring them with their hearts.  If my wife had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and deeply disappointed.  I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4[329]<\/sup><\/a>).  Very little shames a man worse that having his wife not belong to him; I know two men who had heart attacks after suffering this shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Made Her Mine<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As Naomi told Ruth how to get<\/em> married, the wife\u2019s mother in the Song tells her daughter how to stay<\/em> married:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3<\/sup>His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:2-3<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 with her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?  Proverbs 5:20<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.  Proverbs 5:15<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Her mother knows she has more capacity than he does.  If she encourages his possessiveness, if she drains off all the energy he has, it will be hard for other women to get his attention.  Giving herself calms her.  This takes away her independence and makes her feel that she belongs to him.  She can enjoy this if he also belongs to her, but if he doesn\u2019t, his desire becomes oppressive and abusive.  She\u2019ll try to avoid it, but if she sends him off to work loaded, he’ll be tempted to pay attention to another woman and they’ll both be burned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?  Proverbs 6:27<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?  Proverbs 6:28<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

God teaches men to praise their wives.  Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife feel happy and secure.  Ecclesiastes says that nothing<\/em> a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.  Ecclesiastes 1:14<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Solomon listed many things that won\u2019t give joy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: \u2026 I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine \u2026  I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: \u2026 I got me servants and maidens \u2026 I gathered me also silver and gold \u2026  I gat me men singers and women singers, as musical instruments, of all sorts. \u2026 Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 2:1-11<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Solomon tried it all, he found that there\u2019s nothing a man can do to make himself happy, except marriage:Live joyfully<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When my wife chose<\/em> to let God give her to me, her happiness became mine.  Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[330]<\/sup><\/a>; 21:9[331]<\/sup><\/a>, 19[332]<\/sup><\/a>; 25:24[333]<\/sup><\/a>; 27:15[334]<\/sup><\/a>), but when she was happy, life was good.  When she delighted in giving herself to me, I got a taste of the joys of Heaven I\u2019d expected when she told me God made her to be a treasure.  I work at learning how to rejoice with<\/em> her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teaching our children to honor her helped.  Kids are born selfish; they must learn<\/em> an attitude of gratitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29<\/sup>Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat \u201cThe elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Timothy 5:2).\u201d  Girls must be taught to insist<\/em> that men deal with them in purity<\/em> as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sexual sin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What <\/a>Made Me Hers<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I had another reason to learn about her besides God\u2019s command (I Pe. 3:7[335]<\/sup><\/a>).  I\u2019d heard men complain about women.  When I told her, she told me her friends had said, \u201cHe may love you, but he won\u2019t like things about you once you\u2019re married\u201d and they named the same things about women that my dorm mates disliked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was convinced<\/em> that God is good and had written \u201cFor God so loved me that He gave me you.\u201d  She said she was a gift from God, the Bible said it (Pr. 18:22[336]<\/sup><\/a>), and God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[337]<\/sup><\/a>; Jas. 1:17[338]<\/sup><\/a>).  Therefore, men who dislike characteristics which God made common to women are wrong<\/em>.  Those traits were not defects; God made women that way on purpose<\/em> to bless men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I told my wife that anything true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me.  If I couldn\u2019t understand how or why something about her blessed me, it was my problem, not God\u2019s, and we\u2019d figure it out.  To build a strong bridge, I must understand concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature and explain mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once she understood my plan to explore the mind of God with her, she was happy to look into herself to explain herself to me.  God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge.  My working to learn how she blessed me made her happy and helped me obey God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her.  When she\u2019d say, \u201cMy friends feel that way,\u201d I\u2019d conclude most women were like that.  Sometimes it was, \u201cI don\u2019t know anyone like that,\u201d for things unique to her.  At other times, she\u2019d ask; her friends either agreed with her or didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was another area where my engineering mind led me to obey God.  God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4[339]<\/sup><\/a>).  \u201cSanctification\u201d means \u201cset apart,\u201d God expected me to know how she was like other women and how she was God\u2019s special unique gift just for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The husband in the Song praises his wife in mind-numbing detail.  He looks for little details about her to appreciate.  She\u2019s \u201cbut one,\u201d (6:9) he sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women.  She says she belongs to him (2:16[340]<\/sup><\/a>, 6:3[341]<\/sup><\/a>, 7:10[342]<\/sup><\/a>) and in 7:10, \u201chis desire is toward me.\u201d  She enjoys seeing how much he desires her.  8:2-3[343]<\/sup><\/a> shows that she likes<\/em> belonging to him as my wife likes<\/em> belonging to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In all this talk about her emotions, skills, feelings, and other characteristics, I opened my heart to her rather often.  That made me belong to her.  This was as frightening to me as opening herself to me had been for her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me.  God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not enough for a man to have a woman belong<\/em> to him.  Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3).  They were his property and had to do what he told them.  There was none of this \u201cI\u2019m not in the mood\u201d or \u201cI have a headache.\u201d  This sounds like a masculine paradise, but how did it work out for Solomon?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not<\/p>\n\n\n\n

: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Solomon owned<\/em> a thousand women, yet his soul was empty.  Why?  They belonged to him, he could command, but he couldn\u2019t make them like it.  Instead of having a woman enjoy belonging to him, he had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace.  No wonder his soul was empty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was Solomon\u2019s fault.  It\u2019s nearly impossible for a woman to like belonging to a man unless he likes<\/em> belonging to her and taking care of her.  Belonging to her requires that he open his heart to her.  So much talk takes so much time that a man can\u2019t belong to more than one woman.  \u201cIf a man loves a woman\u2019s soul, one woman is all he needs.  If all he sees is her face and figure, all the women in the world won\u2019t satisfy him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife strives to make her words health to me.  This makes it possible for me to feel safe in loving her, page<\/a> 35.  I feel safe opening my heart without fear that she\u2019ll hurt me, which keeps me belonging to her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I talked to her this way because I\u2019d promised and to understand how God designed her to bless me.  It took 20 years of talk, but we can explain how what my dorm mates disliked about women actually bless men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman can\u2019t make her husband any happier than he makes her.  Her happiness is greatest when he likes<\/em> belonging to her.  Opening his heart to her teaches him ways to make her happy if he pays attention and she will learn how to please him.  The happier a man makes his wife, the happier he will be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage is<\/em> wonderful, this man is so glad to be coming home to be with his wife that he\u2019s skipping:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Song of Solomon 2:8<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He\u2019s rushing home where he wants<\/em> to be.  Is he coming to admire the curtains?  Or for some other reason?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Wife is a Mirror, She\u2019s <\/a>Not a Light<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Wives multiply what men give.  Consider babies.  You give her one tiny cell.  She multiplies your seed in her body and gives you a baby with billions<\/em> of cells.  Every cell of her baby has the mark of your<\/em> DNA (Gen. 5:3a[344]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you give her joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9[345]<\/a>), she\u2019ll multiply it and fill your home with love and light to the Glory of God.  If you give her anger, criticism, or harshness, Satan will tempt her to multiply that<\/em> and your house will fill with anger and pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A <\/a>Wife is What Her Husband Makes Her<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

God expects a man to love his wife as Christ loves His church:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26<\/sup>That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27<\/sup>That he might present it to himself a glorious church<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish<\/p>\n\n\n\n

. 28<\/sup>So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Ephesians 5:25-28<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus presents us to Himself a \u201cglorious church\u201d in verse 27.  Every man wants<\/em> to present to himself a \u201cglorious wife,\u201d and there\u2019s a simple way to do it \u2013 convince<\/em> her he\u2019s convinced<\/em> that she is<\/em> a glorious wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman heard that Johnny Lingo had paid 8 cows for his wife<\/a>[346]<\/a> when the going price was 3 or 4.  She could see that his wife liked<\/em> belonging to him.  Johnny explained that every wife knew what her husband had paid.  He might have gotten her for 1 or 2, but he paid 8 cows for her \u201cBecause I wanted an 8-cow wife.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember the 3 rules for marriage<\/strong>:  God is good, only praise, and treat each other as perfect.  A wife is what you make her.  You make her a glorious wife by opening your heart to her so that she knows<\/em> you\u2019re convinced<\/em> that she is<\/em> a glorious wife.  Johnny Lingo overpaid to convince<\/em> his wife he valued her highly!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just before our engagement, I wrote to her, \u201cFor God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you.\u201d  Marriage prospers if a man works hard<\/em> to treat his wife as God\u2019s good and perfect gift to him and she strives to be God\u2019s good and perfect gift to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Simplicity of <\/a>God\u2019s Marriage Rules<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Salvation is two words, \u201conly believe.\u201d  Staying<\/em> married is \u201conly praise,\u201d page<\/a> 24.  We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him to keep us focused on an Attitude of Gratitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior (Is. 43:25[347]<\/sup><\/a>, Heb. 10:17[348]<\/sup><\/a>).  Eph. 5:1 commands<\/em>, \u201cBe ye therefore followers of God.\u201d  When you look on your spouse, follow God and see the purity and perfection of His Son, your spouse\u2019s Lord and Savior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God expects bride and groom to marry with one perfect heart.  Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God and with each other.  Think of your spouse as perfect.  Talk of your spouse as perfect.  Tell everyone that your spouse is perfect.  Your words work back into your heart and you will treat<\/em> your spouse as perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even lost people know that \u201conly praise\u201d leads to a joyful marriage, but some say that people can\u2019t live that way.  The fruit of the spirit that comes from salvation (Gal. 5:22-23[349]<\/a>) helps.  This Bible-based guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage<\/a>[350]<\/a> helps couples live by \u201conly praise.\u201d
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chapter 5 – <\/a>Sound Bite Marriage<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

The Internet generation has limited attention span.  Everything must be short:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Accepting salvation is two words: \u201conly believe (Ro. 10:9[351]<\/a>).\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Sexual morality, that is, when a man and woman may come together physically, is 50% more complicated than salvation, it\u2019s 3 words, \u201cOnly in marriage (1 Cor. 7:1-2[352]<\/a>).\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Entering Holy Matrimony is three words, \u201cvowing, paying, taking\u201d (Gen. 24:67[353]<\/a>, Ru. 4:13a[354]<\/a>).\u201d  These men made public marriage vows before<\/em> taking the women.  Isaac supplied the tent and Boaz had wealth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Staying married is two words, \u201conly praise.\u201d  Nowhere<\/em> in Scripture does a man criticize his wife.  The Song shows a couple appreciating every little detail<\/em>.  We must rule our tongues (Pr. 25:28[355]<\/a>, Jas. 1:26[356]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Marriage is built on \u201cseed and speech (1 Cor. 7:3-4[357]<\/a>, 1 Pe. 3:7[358]<\/a>).\u201d  A husband plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed<\/em>.  God doesn\u2019t often give him that much strength, but that\u2019s his plan<\/em> (Gen.29:21[359]<\/a>).  She wants him to open his heart to her at least<\/em> that often.  He puts himself into her body.  She puts herself, that is, her words, her thoughts, her feelings, her nature, into his heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He leaves his seed in her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby.  She leaves her essence, her being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about her, how he treats her, and how they relate to others (1 Pe. 3:7[360]<\/a>).  People know whether a couple belongs to each other by watching them or hearing them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She wants to hear him thanking God for creating marriage and for giving her to him.  He should tell her she\u2019s important to him and that he\u2019s becoming more and more involved with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He wants her to say, \u201cThat was wonderful, I like belonging to you.  Let\u2019s do that again as soon as you can.\u201d  This encourages him to stay awake and talk to her for a while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She wants him to say how much hearing her ideas and thoughts helps him make better decisions.  She should point out that they could it more often if he was in better shape.  Giving him a motive for exercise helps him live longer and shortens her time of being a widow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A couple is \u201cone flesh\u201d as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam\u2019s body (Mk. 10:8[361]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. 1<\/sup>Be ye therefore followers of God<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, as dear children;  Ephesians 4:32-5:1<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus expects us to follow after God.  When God looks on your spouse, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whose blood washes away all sins (Ps. 103:12[362]<\/a>, I Cor. 6:11[363]<\/a>).  To follow God, you must look on your spouse and think of a reflection of the perfection and purity of Christ.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

See your spouse as perfect, thank God for a perfect spouse, and speak of your spouse as perfect, page<\/a> 26.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Comparing <\/a>Marriage and Salvation<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This section has many short comparisons between marriage and salvation.  Gen. 1 tells us:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.  Genesis 1:3<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

The Bible teaches that God created everything including you, your spouse, and me.  There\u2019s more:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And God said, Let there be a firmament[364]<\/a> \u2026 and it was so.   Genesis 1:6<\/strong>
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered \u2026 and it was so.  Genesis 1:9<\/strong>
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass \u2026 and it was so.   Genesis 1:11<\/strong>
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven \u2026 and it was so.  Genesis 1:14<\/strong>
And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature \u2026 and it was so.  Genesis 1:24
<\/strong>And God said, Let the waters bring forth \u2026 and God saw that it was good. Genesis 1:20<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We find \u201cand God said, \u2026 and it was so,\u201d over and over<\/em>.  The Bible teaches that if God said it\u2019s so, it\u2019s so.  That<\/em> is the foundation of Christianity \u2013 it\u2019s built on the Word of God and believing<\/em> that if God said it, it\u2019s so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  John 17:17<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

God\u2019s word is truth.  God gave us His Word so that we\u2019d know what He expects us to believe about Him and what we\u2019re supposed to do.  Some say, \u201cthe Bible is authoritative for faith and practice.\u201d  God tells us what to believe and He tells us what to do.  Let\u2019s consider what God says about what He\u2019s done:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The works of the LORD are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  10<\/sup>The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.  Psalm 111:2, 10<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

God\u2019s people should take pleasure in God\u2019s works including the way He made men and women so that we can build God-fearing marriages and raise God-fearing children.  Why did God ordain marriage?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. 14<\/sup>Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15<\/sup>And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed<\/p>\n\n\n\n

. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.  Malachi 2:13-15<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We should enjoy<\/em> marriage.  We should enjoy<\/em> watching what He does for us and we should enjoy<\/em> learning as much as we can about how<\/em> He does His works.  Having a proper awe and respect for God is the beginning of wisdom.  If we have good understanding, we\u2019ll do what He commands, but it works the other way, too.  If we do what God commands, we\u2019ll get a good understanding when we look back and see how obeying His commands blessed us.  Let\u2019s look at how we\u2019re told to approach God\u2019s Word:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the LORD.  Psalm 107:43<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

God says that if<\/em> you\u2019re wise, if<\/em> you\u2019ll observe \u201cthese things,\u201d then<\/em> you\u2019ll understand just how kind God is and how well He takes care of us.  Psalm 107 says three times<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!  Psalm 107:8, 15, 21<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

If<\/em> you are wise, if you praise the Lord for His goodness, then<\/em> you will understand His kindness to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God\u2019s most wonderful work to the children of men, of course, is salvation.  Salvation requires that we confess our sins, repent of our sins, ask Jesus to forgive our sins, and be born again.  Being saved requires that we die to our former lives so that we can be married to Christ:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.  Romans 7:4<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In order to be born again into Christ, we must die to ourselves and be married to Christ.  That is the first of God\u2019s wonderful works.  Marriage is another of God\u2019s wonderful works.  Jesus explained it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:6<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Dying to our former lives of sin makes us one with Christ.  As with salvation; we must die to ourselves in order to be \u201cone flesh\u201d in marriage.  God knew we\u2019d have trouble following His plan of salvation.  We couldn\u2019t handle two plans so He made the same plan work for marriage and<\/em> for salvation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we find people whose lives are being destroyed by sin, we give the gospel so that they can be saved and show the grace of God in their new walk with Christ.  When we find marriages being destroyed by sin, we\u2019re supposed to \u201cgive an answer\u201d so that these marriages can show the grace of God to the lost.  There are many short ways to explain marriage so that you can help your friends build their marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Salvation and marriage are both undeserved gifts of God\u2019s grace.  Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves the blessings of marriage.  A man is not worthy of his wife\u2019s submission, obedience, or her calling him \u201cLord,\u201d that\u2019s an undeserved gift of God\u2019s grace to him.  A woman is not worthy of her husband\u2019s giving his life to nourish and cherish her, that\u2019s God\u2019s undeserved gift to her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Salvation and marriage both show the grace of God to the lost.  We\u2019re required to \u201cgive an answer\u201d (I Pe. 3:15[365]<\/a>) when people ask why we live as we do.  Our marriages are our greatest opportunity to show we\u2019re different from the lost.  When the lost see a wife giving her husband undeserved grace or a husband giving his wife undeserved grace, they\u2019ll want God\u2019s grace for themselves, and we<\/em> get to tell them how to find it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        When we give the gospel, we may hear, \u201cGod can\u2019t save me, my sins are too great.\u201d  When we give the plan of marriage, we may hear, \u201cGod can\u2019t save my marriage, it\u2019s too far gone.\u201d  That\u2019s pride \u2013 how can anyone<\/em> think their sin or their marriage problems are greater than the God who created the universe?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        People who reject God\u2019s Simple Plan of Salvation spend eternity in Hell.  People who reject God\u2019s Simple Plan of Marriage can create their very own Hell right here on earth.  Marriage can either give a foretaste of the joys of Heaven or it can give a foretaste of the punishment of the damned in Hell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Once we\u2019re saved, our love for Christ constrains us to serve Him (II Cor. 5:14[366]<\/a>, Eph. 2:10[367]<\/a>, Phi. 2:4[368]<\/a>).  Once we\u2019re married, our love for each other should constrain us to serve<\/em> each other.  God wants<\/em> us to serve our spouses; we serve God by serving each other<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Salvation is based on a personal relationship with Christ Jesus.  Marriage is based on a personal relationship between husband and wife.  If your relationship with Christ is messed up, you can\u2019t have a proper relationship with your spouse.  If your relationship with Christ is based on true, saving faith, you can choose<\/em> to base your relationship with your spouse on God\u2019s formula.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.  Ephesians 2:10<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        John 3:16-17[369]<\/a> gives all you must<\/em> know to be saved.  Genesis 24:67[370]<\/a> gives all you must<\/em> know for a successful marriage, but teaching helps.  We labor to prepare children for good jobs but don\u2019t teach Godly marriage.  Not teaching marriage is like giving them a bicycle without any training and expecting them to ride out in traffic without getting hurt.  As with salvation, \u201cdiscipleship\u201d is essential for successful marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        We must keep our hearts perfect with the Lord our God as David did.  David sinned, but he never worshiped any other god.  Married people must keep their hearts perfect not only with God but also with each other.  Couples must never worship any other god and never get involved with any other person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Salvation prepares us for the joys of living forever with Jesus and serving Him in Heaven.  God planned marriage to give both husband and wife a foretaste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Once saved, we become one with Christ.  Once married, husband and wife should become one flesh (Mt. 19:5-6[371]<\/a>, Mk. 10:8[372]<\/a>).  We can\u2019t be one in Christ without dying to our former life.  Husband and wife can\u2019t become one in each other without dying to their former individual selves in favor of serving the family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Saved people should glorify God in all that they do; glorifying God helps us become his ambassadors (II Cor. 5:20[373]<\/a>).  Married people should glorify God and glorify each other together<\/em> in all that they do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Some people give money to the church to pay God for favors.  A \u201ccheerful giver\u201d gives to God out of love and not to get from Him.  The Song of Solomon shows a husband and wife giving to each other out of love and not in hope of getting from the other.  Works-based salvation is idolatry; works-based marriage is whoredom.  Works-based \u201csalvation\u201d takes you to Hell; works-based marriage makes life Hell on earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Salvation supports marriage; knowing we belong to Christ (I Co. 6:19[374]<\/a>) makes it easier to belong to a spouse.  If a woman belongs to Christ, it\u2019s easier to accept God giving her to her husband (Lk. 17:27[375]<\/a>).  If a man knows that Christ gave His life for him, it\u2019s easier for him to give his life for his wife (Eph. 5:25[376]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Marriage supports salvation.  As husband and wife appreciate and praise one another, and share God\u2019s grace by forgiving each other, their marriage reminds them both to praise and appreciate God (Ps. 100).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Rejoicing in the Lord reminds us to rejoice in marriage and vice versa (Phi 4:4[377]<\/a>).  Ecc. 9:9 says, \u201cRejoice with the wife whom thou lovest\u2026\u201d  Joy in marriage must be shared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Salvation is two words, \u201conly believe.\u201d  Satan confuses people into thinking it\u2019s belief plus works or church so people miss salvation and go to Hell.  Marriage is two words, \u201conly praise,\u201d but many people think they should change their spouses instead of letting the Holy Spirit bring change.  When people usurp the Holy Spirit\u2019s role in their marriage, they usually miss the joys of marriage and may create Hell on earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Salvation doesn\u2019t just take us to Heaven; we have work to do for Christ (2 Cor. 5:14[378]<\/a>).  \u201cFor we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them (Eph. 2:10).\u201d  Serving your family and church serves Christ in this life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Marriage doesn\u2019t just give us companionship; we have duties<\/em> to our spouses which God commands us to fulfill.  Husbands must show agapao<\/em> to wives<\/a> (Eph. 5:25-26[379]<\/a>), wives must reverence husbands (Eph. 5:33[380]<\/a>).  Agapao<\/em> and reverence are not products of emotion; they are acts of will which we decide<\/em> to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        When Jesus\u2019 blood washes away our sins, God sees us as perfect (I Cor. 6:11[381]<\/a>).  Christians must follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[382]<\/a>) and see each other as perfect.  Marriage prospers when a man appreciates and honors<\/em> his wife as God\u2019s good and perfect gift to him and she acts<\/em> as God\u2019s good and perfect gift to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        The only way a man can see his sinful wife as perfect is for him to see her through the grace God gave him in saving him.  The only way a wife can see her sinful husband as perfect is for her to see him through the grace God gave her.  When lost people see couples giving God\u2019s grace to each other, they want God\u2019s grace for themselves, and we<\/em> tell them how to get it.  That\u2019s<\/em> how our light shines before men (Mt. 5:16[383]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Jesus said, \u201cTake my yoke upon you, and learn of me;\u201d (Mt 11:29).  A bride takes upon herself the yoke of pleasing her husband (Gen. 3:16[384]<\/a>).  The only way to rest (Ruth. 1:9a[385]<\/a>) in being sure<\/em> she\u2019ll please him is to spend time talking to him and learning of him so she knows<\/em> he\u2019ll be pleased with what she does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Jesus said, \u201cfor I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.\u201d (Mt. 11:29)  A man must be meek towards his wife; must lead her by serving her (Mk. 10:42-45[386]<\/a>, see also Mk. 9:35[387]<\/a>).  He must talk to her a great deal in order to understand her needs well enough to lead her for her benefit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Jesus said, He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it  (Mt. 10:39).  When we accept salvation, we lose our former lives and gain a new life in Christ.  When we marry, we lose our former individual selves and gain a new life as a one-flesh married couple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        God\u2019s salvation covenant is forever; once saved, always saved (John 10:28[388]<\/a>).  God\u2019s marriage covenant ends only at death (Rom. 7:1-3[389]<\/a>, the book of Ruth).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re saved and relate to God as He desires, your marriage relationship works because you\u2019ll serve God by serving each other.  The relationship between husband and wife is based on their relationships to God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;  II Corinthians 5:18<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Having been reconciled to God, we should be able to minister reconciliation to each other.  If husband and wife each reconcile themselves to God and relate to God by honoring, praising, loving, and obeying Him, they\u2019ll relate properly to each other by honoring, praising, loving and appreciating each other.  Their marriage prospers, and they show the grace of salvation to the lost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and rose again.  II Corinthians 5:15<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  II Corinthians 4:10<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As lost people see Christians giving God\u2019s grace to each other, they\u2019ll want God\u2019s grace for themselves.  If either party messes up their relationship with God, on the other hand, their testimony is damaged and the marriage seldom works well even if they both have been taught how marriage should<\/em> work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This book explores what God says about marriage so that you can help heal the broken marriages you\u2019ll encounter.  God ordains marriage; a damaged marriage means that someone<\/em> isn\u2019t following God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: Psalm 127:1<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

No matter how hopeless the situation seems, God promises a way out, but we have to ask:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, that ye may be able to bear it.  I Corinthians 10:13<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.  James 1:5<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chapter 6 – Logic and Emotion, Head Knowledge and Heart Knowledge<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLogic\u201d as the word is used in America was written down by the Greeks ~ 300 BC.  God helped Alexander the Great spread Greek ideas by conquering from Greece to India.  Pilate wrote on Jesus\u2019 cross in Hebrew, Latin, and Greek.  God inspired the New Testament to be written in Greek which helps us think logically<\/em> about Him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Head knowledge is facts we know<\/em> (2 Tim. 3:7[390]<\/a>); heart knowledge is what we feel<\/em> or what we are<\/em> (Pr. 23:7a[391]<\/a>).  \u201cEmotion\u201d describes feelings in our hearts.  God wants us to love Him in our hearts, page<\/a> 25.  We can\u2019t always explain emotions, but we should try<\/em> to find logical<\/em> reasons for our feelings before acting on them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLogic\u201d works with facts.  If a car has no gasoline, it\u2019s a fact<\/em> that it won\u2019t go.  No matter how you feel<\/em> about it, no matter how angry you get, the car won\u2019t go.  The fact<\/em> that a car needs gasoline shouldn\u2019t make you angry, or sad, it\u2019s just a fact you need to know<\/em> to use a car.  God expects us to rule our feelings:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

must rule our spirits so that we don\u2019t lose our temper or say angry words.  Christianity is based on logic:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Come now, and let us reason together<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, saith the LORD:  Isaiah 1:18<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 men;  II Corinthians 5:11a<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even with Heaven and Hell in the balance, we persuade<\/em>.  God appeals to our minds and<\/em> to our hearts.  The Lord our God is a God of purpose and plan (Isaiah 14:26-27[392]<\/a>, 23:9[393]<\/a>, 46:10-11[394]<\/a>, Jer. 4:28[395]<\/a>, Ro. 8:28[396]<\/a>), there is logic<\/em> in all that He does.  We\u2019re told to labor and reason together with God<\/em> to find out His rules.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For we are labourers together with God<\/p>\n\n\n\n

: ye are God’s husbandry<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, ye are God’s building.  I Corinthians 3:9<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What an honor!  When we meet together, we labor with God<\/em>.  \u201cHusbandry[397]<\/a>\u201d is taking care of a farm.  A church is God\u2019s farm where God grows us and builds us.  Right now, we\u2019re growing and building marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

O<\/a>beying God Requires Logic<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.  Genesis 1:28<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need knowledge<\/em> to build Godly marriages.  We need logic<\/em> to understand how God created the earth so we can care for the earth, and work with natural resources God has given us as God helped Bezaleel do:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I have filled him [Bezaleel] with the spirit of God<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, in wisdom<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and in understanding<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and in knowledge<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and in all manner of workmanship<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, 4<\/sup>To devise cunning works, to work in gold, and in silver, and in brass, 5<\/sup>And in cutting of stones, to set them, and in carving of timber, to work in all manner of workmanship.  Exodus 31:3-5<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Figuring out what to do needs: 1) the Holy Spirit, 2) wisdom, 3) understanding, 4) knowledge 5) practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Logic is How We Use Facts to reach Conclusions<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Although the emotions and feelings God put into men and women to hold families together are very strong, the Bible says we should use wisdom, facts, and logic in guiding our relationships with other people:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee: 12<\/sup>To deliver thee from the way of the evil man, from the man that speaketh froward things; 13<\/sup>Who leave the paths of uprightness, to walk in the ways of darkness; 14<\/sup>Who rejoice to do evil, and delight in the frowardness of the wicked; 15<\/sup>Whose ways are crooked, and they froward in their paths: 16<\/sup>To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; 17<\/sup>Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God.  Proverbs 2:11-17<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Logic, that is, collecting facts and drawing conclusions to deliver us from evil men and women is part<\/em> of wisdom that starts with God.  Wisdom starts<\/em> in Bible reading, prayer, and studying the Works of God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fear of the LORD is the beginning<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.  Proverbs 9:10<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Logic \u2013 Finding Facts and Drawing <\/a>Conclusions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Aristotle explained logic ~ 300 BC, about the time Euclid defined \u201cEuclidian geometry.\u201d  When Rome conquered Greece 100 years later, they learned Logic and Geometry which helped them build ~ 250,000 miles of roads, some of which are used today.  The Apostles couldn\u2019t have spread the Gospel as fast as they did without Roman roads.  Did God help the Romans build roads to prepare the Roman Empire to serve Him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Rome fell around 480 AD, logic and geometry were lost.  They had to be re-learned to start the Industrial Revolution in the 1600s, ~ 450 years ago.  We can\u2019t have automobiles, electricity, water systems, paved roads, computers, or the Internet without using logic throughout<\/em> society<\/em>.  How many well-trained, logical people are needed to maintain the Internet?  To climb poles to fix electric wires to keep the lights on?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Logic is so important to our society that there\u2019s a free online course<\/a>[398]<\/a> which explains how to use logic with facts to reach conclusions.  There are logic exercises in this online folder<\/a>[399]<\/a> which can be printed and shared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Christianity is a Logical Faith<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Logic training also helps you manage the technology of our civilization.  Cling<\/em> to these facts<\/em>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God is good.  Things about your spouse that irritate you are of God to bless you.  Ask God for wisdom to see how<\/em> your spouse blesses you.  Use logic to control your emotions.  When you\u2019re tempted to be upset, ask the other person why they did what they did (Mt. 18:15[400]<\/a>).  What was the goal?  What were they trying to do?  What did you<\/em> know that you should you have explained or taught before the mistake happened?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God tells us how to be at peace with each other in families and churches on page<\/a> 97.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learning about God\u2019s logic works on our hearts so that we love Him and want Him to be pleased with us.  That\u2019s how God expects spouses to relate.  We love and serve them so that we want to be together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Logic and emotion are in conflict.  Love is not<\/em> logical because loving means you can be hurt.  Love is a choice we make by letting our minds rule our spirits.  We must choose<\/em> to love in faith<\/em> that love will bless us.  If we\u2019re too<\/em> logical, it\u2019s hard to love others with all our hearts as God expects, page<\/a> 25.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hebrews 11:6, \u201cwithout faith it is impossible to please Him.\u201d  A logical conclusion from facts needs no faith.  There can\u2019t be logical proof that God exists because faith would not be needed.  If people get too involved in logic, it\u2019s hard to accept God\u2019s ways because faith doesn\u2019t seem<\/em> logical, but imagining that the universe came about through random chance takes even more faith.  Scripture tells us what faith is:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Hebrews 11:1<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Faith is based on what we can\u2019t see, it\u2019s not fact until we look back and see what God did in caring for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.  Psalm 126:5<\/strong>  That happened when Ruth\u2019s husband died.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Women aren\u2019t strong enough to farm without machinery.  Ruth needed a husband feed her.  It took great faith<\/em> to leave Moab for Israel where she wouldn\u2019t find a husband.  Ruth went out to pick up grain that had been dropped.  Ruth 2:3 tells us \u201cher hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto Boaz.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28  <\/strong>Something that seems<\/em> bad can be a real test of faith.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

By \u201chap,\u201d scripture tells us that there was no logical<\/em> reason Ruth could see<\/em> to choose Boaz\u2019s field.  Boaz offered her food and water when he found out who she was.  When Ruth asked why, Boaz told her that he knew she\u2019d left home and came to Israel looking for God.  What a testimony in the town!  He said:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Ruth 2:12<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Boaz saw that Ruth\u2019s faith in God was strong enough to overcome fear of rejection or starvation.  When Naomi told Ruth who Boaz was, Ruth could see that God had guided her.  That made her faith factual.  We follow God in faith that obeying Him will work out, then<\/em> we look back and see how He made it happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Logic Can Take you Where you Shouldn\u2019t Go<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

America was founded<\/em> on religious freedom.  After a 10-week voyage, 102 people landed in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in November of 1620.  Only 53 survived their first winter.  \u201cThe cowards never started, and the weak died along the way.\u201d  Scripture tells us how to prosper economically:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you; 12<\/sup>That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing.  I Thessalonians 4:11-12<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

that with quietness they work, and eat their own bread.  II Thessalonians 3:12b<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Hard work, freedom to try new ideas that comes with religious freedom, and scientific logic made America very<\/em> wealthy.  Many Americans have come to love money for its own sake:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.  I Timothy 6:10<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Millions of people risk their lives and spend a lot of money to come to America illegally to share American wealth.  Logic and wealth lead women to stop having children.  Wealth means women can get jobs and earn their own food without depending on husbands or on God.  Women in Japan, Korea, China, Russia, and most of Europe are having so few babies that populations are dropping and their societies are doomed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The wealth logic brings destroys traditional culture.  European nations were constantly<\/em> at war after Rome fell.  Technology started improving in the 1300s with better guns and cannon.  Better warships led Europeans to control the seas over the next 5 centuries.  When the British went to war in 1839 to force the Chinese government to let them sell opium, some Chinese wanted to absorb Western ways of thinking to fight them:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since we were knocked out by cannonballs, naturally we became interested in them thinking that by learning to make them we could strike back.  \u2026 But history seems to move in very curious ways.  From studying cannon balls we came to mechanical inventions, which in turn led us to political reforms; from political reforms we begin to see political theories, which led us again to the philosophies of the West<\/strong>.  \u2026 Through mechanical invention we saw science from which we came to understand scientific method and the scientific mind.[401]<\/a>  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Conservatives blocked these ideas.  Without European weapons, China fell under European rule but kept their culture<\/em>.  Studying science instead of focusing on culture is ending their culture as modern Chinese chase wealth.  Traditional Chinese culture focused on God \u2013 Confucius spoke of the \u201cmandate of heaven,\u201d saying that society would fall apart if the Emperor stopped following God\u2019s laws.  Confucians, Daoists, Buddhists, and Christians all<\/em> taught that God\u2019s rules also<\/em> applied to rulers.  Tyrants dislike the idea that they<\/em> must follow the laws of God.  The Chinese Communist Party has cut Chinese people off from their 5,000 year history by \u201csimplifying\u201d Chinese characters.  Today\u2019s college graduates can\u2019t read traditional Chinese thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Japanese Learned from China<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The Japanese borrowed ideas from China for thousands of years.  They learned Western logic and defeated the Russian navy in 1905, the first Asian power beat a European power in battle.  They didn\u2019t lose their culture because they were accustomed to absorbing foreign ideas.  It\u2019s possible<\/em> to adopt logic without losing culture, but both Japanese and Chinese cultures are doomed now because logical<\/em> women don\u2019t want children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The more complex a society becomes, the more logic we need to keep it.  Faith is not logical until we look back to see what God did.  Studying logic leaves less time for Bible study.  The more logical we become, the less faith we think<\/em> we need.  Logic brings wealth throughout society.  Jesus warned of the danger of wealth:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.  Mark 10:25<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

All gifts God gives can be used for good or for evil.  A man\u2019s strength can nourish his wife or oppress her.  Her emotions can build up her house or drive her family apart.  Logic can lead to Christ and help us care for the earth God gave us, or it can lead to so much wealth that people stop following the Bible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.  II Timothy 3:7<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Many countries in Africa, Central America, and Asia are poor due to bad government.  It may seem<\/em> logical for Christians to try to move from Africa to America for a better life, but it\u2019s hard<\/em> to maintain a Christian walk in America as it becomes more and more secular with more and more temptations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parents may follow the old paths, but children raised in American culture tend to walk away from God and from church.  Women get jobs instead of caring for their homes and men rely on women to support them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?  Matthew 16:26<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Christianity is lived forward, but it\u2019s understood backward as we look back to see how God was leading us where He wanted us to go.  Logic is useful, but God expects us to live by faith<\/em> (Hab. 2:4[402]<\/a>, Rom. 1:17[403]<\/a>, Gal. 3:11[404]<\/a>, Heb. 10:23[405]<\/a>, 10:38[406]<\/a>, 11:6[407]<\/a>)!
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chapter 7 – What <\/a>Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Salvation takes your daughter to Heaven, but how she relates to a man has a huge<\/em> effect on how this life turns out for her.  While bringing her up \u201cin the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[408]<\/a>),\u201d you must teach her to honor and respect your wife (Pr. 31:28-29[409]<\/a>).  Seeing you nourish, cherish, appreciate, and honor her mother prepares your daughter to expect<\/em> respect and appreciation from any man who pursues her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the best ways to prepare your daughter to be a good wife is to talk to her.  Men and women have very different ways of talking.  To oversimplify, men talk to report, that is, to tell what happened, women talk to build rapport, that is, to establish emotional connections and tell how they felt about it.  Your daughter will expect her husband to open his heart to her.  This scares men, and if she hasn\u2019t learned to handle a man\u2019s \u201creport talk,\u201d she\u2019ll want to put emotion into all her talk which will make talking to her more difficult for him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll have to be careful not to make your wife jealous of your daughter especially if your daughter grows up to be a younger version of her mother.  Your wife can become jealous of her own daughter if you aren\u2019t careful to reassure your wife of your focus on her<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teach your daughter that the emotions God put into her (Pr. 9:4b[410]<\/a>) provide cement<\/em> by which a wise woman builds her house (Pr. 14:1[411]<\/a>), but also that she must always rule<\/em> her emotions so that she doesn\u2019t hurt her family (Pr. 25:28[412]<\/a>).  Teach her to explain her emotions so she knows why<\/em> she feels a certain way.  Learning to put words to her feelings helps her explain herself and her needs to her husband.  This makes it easier for him to follow God\u2019s command to dwell with her according to knowledge of her <\/em>(1 Pe. 3:7[413]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Older women know<\/em> a man\u2019s nature and can discuss the desires God put into most men, but women can\u2019t understand<\/em> any more than a man can understand<\/em> a woman\u2019s attitude toward babies.  Fathers make mistakes – page<\/a> 67 explains how Jacob didn\u2019t keep Dinah away from the \u201cdaughters of the land\u201d and David sent Tamar to comfort Amnon when he pretended to be ill (page<\/a> 67), but fathers have a better understanding of a man\u2019s goal in approaching his daughter than her mother and can warn more strongly and in more detail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Part of the strength of a daughter\u2019s desire for attention from a man is one of God\u2019s punishments of Eve:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Genesis\u2019 \u201clightly have lien\u201d explains the natural man\u2019s attitude toward forced sex<\/a>[414]<\/a>.  Fathers must teach daughters to demand<\/em> that a man follow Scripture in interacting with her:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  I Timothy 5:2<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men and women must treat each other as people; they shouldn\u2019t interact as man and woman.  If a man compliments a woman\u2019s looks or tells her he loves her, for example, he may be trying to guide their talk in an impure direction because he wants her to open her body to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If he does that before he and she are in a position where they could marry, she must quote that verse and say something like, \u201cScripture teaches that you should talk to me as a sister in all purity.  We can work together as people, but not as man and woman.  We aren\u2019t in a position to marry.  You\u2019re an attractive guy; I could easily fall in love with you.  If I fall in love when we can\u2019t marry, I\u2019ll be in a world of hurt.  Let\u2019s keep man and woman out of it and just be people.\u201d  She must also avoid getting physical:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2<\/sup>Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Older women may say not to kiss \u201cbecause it\u2019ll give him ideas.\u201d  That\u2019s wrong<\/em>.  Men don\u2019t get<\/em> ideas, men have<\/em> ideas.  Kissing can give her<\/em> ideas.  When they both have the same idea, it\u2019s very<\/em> hard to stop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug<\/strong> from a partner[415]<\/sup><\/a>  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Draw a Line in the Sand<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The price of a virtuous woman is beyond rubies.  My wife set her price high by insisting that I agree that being together was to decide whether we would marry; my life for her life, page<\/a> 42.  She said God made her to be a treasure for her husband.  If I wouldn\u2019t seriously<\/em> consider marriage, she didn\u2019t want to waste time with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On our second date<\/em>, she told me she wanted to be pure on our wedding night.  The Holy Spirit led her to say that, it just popped out.  We had no idea how important that was until our emotions tempted us so that we nearly lost it.  Very few couples can avoid having sex once her emotions are aroused, page<\/a> 48.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We know many girls who went to college, met a man freshman year, and controlled their emotions until junior year.  And we expect them to stay pure 2 more years until graduation?  Who\u2019s kidding whom?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A girl we knew found her husband in college.  Her father watched them the summer before her senior year and wouldn\u2019t send her back to college.  She was furious; she wanted another year of courting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I told her that her father was right.  He had a reason which she couldn\u2019t yet understand, and that when she understood, she\u2019d thank him for standing against her, her sister, her mother, and other women in the church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At a church dinner 3 years later, I went to her table as she was changing a diaper.  \u201cNow that you\u2019re married, do you understand why your dad kept you home?\u201d  She grudgingly agreed.  \u201cHave you thanked him?\u201d  She promised that she would.  \u201cNow listen,\u201d I said, \u201cyou\u2019ll be the older woman who must teach the daughter you\u2019re diapering when she goes to college 18 years from now.  Will you do that?\u201d  She promised she would.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her daughter married right out of college and had a baby 4 months later.  That was her husband\u2019s failure – women aren\u2019t equipped to be forceful enough with this particular lesson – it\u2019s the father who protects.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Man Must Grow Up <\/a>Before Marrying<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A century ago, a man could learn to support a wife by age 15 or 16.  It takes longer to learn to support a wife today.  If he can\u2019t pay for her, all he can do is play with her; involvement too young never ends well, page<\/a> 4!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The woman must say, \u201cNot unless we\u2019re married, and I won\u2019t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.\u201d  Any boy can play with her; it takes a man to stay with her.  Toy or treasure, play or stay is the big<\/em> question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What if she likes the guy and wants to get to know him?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

There\u2018s a difference between \u201cdating\u201d and \u201cgoing steady.\u201d  If a couple sees each other constantly, staying out of trouble for even 2 years of college is difficult<\/em>.  If there\u2019s a firm<\/em> rule not to date the same person twice in a row, getting to know several people at the same time makes it far easier to guard her heart:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

As they proceed toward marriage, she must make sure he trusts her enough to open his heart to her<\/a>[416]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women open their hearts to each other freely; she\u2019ll have no idea how hard it is for a man.  Having words to describe her need for talk may help your daughter explain her needs, page<\/a> 46.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriages run on communication.  A wife wants to communicate heart-to-heart, her husband wants to communicate belly-to-belly.   A wife needs to be able to rest<\/em> in belonging to her husband<\/a>[417]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She needs to listen to her own heart.  Is she calm and relaxed around him?  God expects her to follow her husband.  Can she trust him to rule her gently <\/em>so that it\u2019s safe for her to let herself love him?  Will he lead her in a direction God wants her to go or will he lead her off a cliff?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your daughter must understand her own needs well enough to explain them so that a man can be confident of making her happy.  That makes it easier for him to open his heart to her, and there\u2019s no way for her to be happy unless her husband learns to like doing that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fathers <\/a>Who Failed Their Daughters<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

God created families as a safe place for children to grow up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[418]<\/a>, Ps 68:6[419]<\/a>).  God\u2019s plan to get servants is for the servants He has to bear children who grow up to serve Him (Mal. 2:15[420]<\/a>).  David offered a promotion to whoever took Jerusalem (II Sam 5:8[421]<\/a>).  He had no eligible daughters to offer at that time (II Sam 3:2[422]<\/a>, 5:14[423]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These examples are for our learning (Ro. 15:4[424]<\/a>):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

David Failed Tamar \u2013 (II Samuel 13)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Amnon wanted to have her and tricked David into sending her to him to fix him a meal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He sent everyone away, raped her, hated her, and threw her out of his house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        David couldn\u2019t see Amnon\u2019s heart; he didn\u2019t know to tell Tamar to take chaperones with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Tamar thought she was getting married.  Amnon liked her and had been to see her father about her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        After the rape, David didn\u2019t tell Amnon that the law required him to marry her (Deu. 22:28-29[425]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Absalom, Tamar\u2019s brother, was right to be concerned about the matter (Gen. 34:31[426]<\/a>) but murdering Amnon wasn\u2019t the right approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He should have approached David and urged him to force Amnon to obey the law and marry her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jacob Failed Dinah \u2013 Genesis 34<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He did not warn her not to go out to visit the \u201cdaughters of the land\u201d (Gen. 34:1).  Lock her up?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He took no action after the rape (Gen. 34:5).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Shechem loved Dinah enough to be circumcised so that he could marry her (Gen. 34:19).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Her brothers murdered all the men involved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lot Failed all 4 of his Daughters \u2013 (Gen. 19)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He put them in bad environment and gave them a taste of the bright lights of the city.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He did not teach them about God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He didn\u2019t leave Sodom even after he was taken captive (Gen. 14:12[427]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        They had lost husbands; he seemed as \u201cone who mocked (Gen. 19:14)\u201d when he told them to leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He probably had an unsaved wife?  Always bad for all children to do that, his sons all died.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        2 stayed behind and were killed, his wife looked back and died.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        The other two daughters, virgins, had not been trained to trust the Lord to find them husbands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        They didn\u2019t know to trust the Lord to give them husbands so they got him drunk and went in to their father in order to become pregnant( Gen. 19:31-38).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        They gave birth to Moabites and Ammonites who became wicked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amram Failed Miriam \u2013 Numbers 12:1-15<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Miriam was not taught to submit to whatever leadership God placed over her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Miriam and Aaron rebelled against Moses\u2019 leadership (Num. 12:2[428]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        God punished Miriam by giving her leprosy (Num. 12:10[429]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        The fact that Miriam was punished and Aaron was not suggests<\/em> that Miriam led the rebellion and persuaded Aaron to go along.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jephthah Failed his Daughter \u2013 (Judges 11:29-40)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        We don\u2019t know her name, she is referred to as \u201cdaughter of Jephthah,\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He made an unwise vow and had to sacrifice her (Ecc. 5:5[430]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Laban Failed Leah \u2013 (Genesis 29:26-28)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He found her a husband by sneaking her into Jacob\u2019s tent dressed as her sister.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Her husband did not want her, partly because he had been tricked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        For many years, she had to live with a husband who resented being married to her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He appreciated her later in life (Gen. 35:19[431]<\/a> and 49:31[432]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Should Jacob have been content with what God let happen to him (Gen. 28:20-22[433]<\/a>)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eli Failed his Daughter in Law \u2013 (I Sam 4:19-22)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He did not train up his sons to follow the Lord (I Sam 2:22-25).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        When her husband was killed, the stress brought on premature labor and his daughter-in-law died.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Samuel did no better \u2013 his sons did not walk in his ways (1 Sam. 8:5[434]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Saul Failed Michal \u2013 (I Sam 18:17-29)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Saul offered her to David if he killed 100 Philistines (I Sam. 18:25[435]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He wanted the Philistines to kill David; he was not really looking out for his daughter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        David wanted the status of being the king\u2019s son in law (I Sam. 18:26[436]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Michal loved David (I Sam. 18:20[437]<\/a>).  Did David love her or was he just using her?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        She saved David\u2019s life and lied about it when her father wanted to kill him (I Sam. 19:11-17).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Saul gave her to someone else when David fled (I Sam. 25:44[438]<\/a>); that man loved her (II Sam. 3:16[439]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        David demanded her back years later (II Sam 3:13[440]<\/a>); she left her husband and 5 sons (II Sam 21:8[441]<\/a>).  Instead of being \u201cbut one,\u201d she was now one among many other wives who had borne him children, which she had not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        She ended up despising David (I Chr. 15:29[442]<\/a>) and died childless (II Sam. 6:23[443]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Abishag\u2019s Father Failed her \u2013 (I Kings 1:1-4)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He let King David have her even though David was too old to give her children (I Kings 1:4[444]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        She became a political pawn (I Kings 2:13-25).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        We don\u2019t know if her father really had much choice (I Sam. 8:13[445]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Judah Failed Tamar \u2013 (Gen. 38:6-30)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        The law (Deu. 25:5[446]<\/a>) required that Judah give widowed Tamar to his son Onan and then to Shelah.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        After Onan died, Judah decided not to give her to his 3rd<\/sup> son.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Tamar did not want to die childless.  She had her father-in-law get her pregnant by acting like a harlot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Abigail\u2019s Father Failed Abigail<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

He married her to Nabal, who was a bad guy (I Sam 25:3[447]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Delilah\u2019s Father let her become Samson\u2019s Concubine \u2013 (Jud. 16:4-20)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        The relationship did not work out well for her \u2013 she was his but he was not hers (Judges 16:15a[448]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He took her so she was his, but he didn\u2019t open his heart to her so he was not hers.  She didn\u2019t like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        What she did was not nice, but he betrayed her first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Caleb and Achsah \u2013 Joshua 15:16-19, Judges 1:12-13[449]<\/a>, it\u2019s in the Bible TWICE<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Daughters were given for political purposes (Gen. 41:45[450]<\/a>, 1 Sam. 17:25[451]<\/a>, 1 Ki. 11:19[452]<\/a>, 2 Chr. 8:11[453]<\/a>).  Caleb promised Achsah\u2019s hand in marriage to whoever took Kirjathsepher.  His nephew Othniel took the city and won her to be his wife (Joshua 15:16-19).  Was this good for Achsah?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Othniel was a leader; he didn\u2019t take the city by himself, so her father found her a husband of rank (Judges 3:9[454]<\/a>) who later became a judge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        He survived battle; he was a good fighter or blessed of God, either way, he\u2019s good husband material.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        They were cousins, he must have known her.  He wanted her badly enough to do battle to win her (Gen. 29:21[455]<\/a>).  Having a husband who wants her is good for a woman (Gen. 2:23[456]<\/a>, I Cor. 7:7[457]<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00b7        Her father gave her land, he gave her springs when she asked (Jos. 15:19[458]<\/a>).  In dry country, springs are very valuable<\/em>, her father provided for her as well as he could.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Modern Dilemma<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There are only two ways a father can protect his daughter \u2013cooperation or incarceration.  Juliet\u2019s father tried to keep her away from Romeo, whose family was hostile to her family, and told the nurse to keep her in the house.  Juliet fooled the nurse and got together with Romeo.  It didn\u2019t end well – they both died.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chapter 8 \u2013 A <\/a>Man is Pursuing Your Daughter.  What do you tell him?<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Jesus told us that men marry; women are given in marriage (Luk. 20:34[459]<\/sup><\/a>).  A wife is a gift from God to her groom (Luk. 17:27[460]<\/sup><\/a>).  You should do your best to be sure the would-be groom is prepared to gently and wisely lead your daughter so that he will receive the full blessing God intends in giving him a wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Christian marriage is incredibly<\/em> simple.  God doesn\u2019t see our sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son<\/a>, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[461]<\/sup><\/a>, I Cor. 6:11[462]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God\u2019s gift of grace means that He and His Son treat us as if we\u2019re perfect (Rom. 8:1[463]<\/sup><\/a>, Eph. 5:25-27[464]<\/sup><\/a>).  Note \u201cwithout blemish\u201d in Ephesians 5:27.  As Jesus sanctifies and cleanses His church, your son-in-law must sanctify your daughter to present herself to him as a \u201cglorious wife, without spot or wrinkle.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives.  God forgives completely<\/em>; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:12[465]<\/sup><\/a>, Is. 43:25[466]<\/sup><\/a>, I Cor. 6:11[467]<\/sup><\/a>, Hebrews 10:17[468]<\/sup><\/a>).  When God washes away our sins, what\u2019s left is perfect<\/em>.  Ephesians 5:1 commands<\/em>, \u201cBe ye therefore followers of God.\u201d  God treats us as perfect, so we must follow God and treat our spouses as perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the key<\/em> to marriage.  Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, tell everyone your spouse is perfect for you (Song 6:9[469]<\/sup><\/a>), and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6a[470]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage prospers if a husband treats<\/em> his wife as God\u2019s perfect gift to him and she acts<\/em> as God\u2019s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[471]<\/sup><\/a>).  He\u2019s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[472]<\/sup><\/a>, Song 4:7[473]<\/sup><\/a>, 6:9[474]<\/sup><\/a>) as perfect, she\u2019s to serve him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[475]<\/sup><\/a>, Col. 3:18[476]<\/sup><\/a>) even though they don\u2019t deserve each other!<\/em>  Can he forgive her as God forgives him?  Can she forgive him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Will he lead her by serving her as discussed on page<\/a> 42?  Is she willing to follow him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Treating spouses as perfect is simple, but \u201csimple\u201d doesn\u2019t mean \u201ceasy.\u201d  It\u2019s simple to walk from Maine to California \u2013 put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there \u2013 but it\u2019s far from easy.  Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a short stroll across a continent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Rewards of Marriage<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight<\/em> in belonging to him as the wife in the Song of Solomon delights in belonging to her husband.  Assuming he\u2019s saved and has found a job which can support her and a place to house her (Ge. 24:67<\/a> page<\/a> 4), you\u2019ll want to discuss Biblical ideas to help him receive all<\/em> the joy God intended for marriage (Ecc. 9:9[477]<\/sup><\/a>, Pr. 5:18-19[478]<\/sup><\/a>, Pr. 31:28-29[479]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nourishing and cherishing a wife as God expects is a lot of work; it\u2019s important that he be strongly<\/em> drawn to her.  The time will come when she’s got the flu, she’s pregnant out to here<\/em>, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she’s too sick to do anything about it.  If he’s as smitten with her as the husband in the Song, he’ll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The story of the talents (Lk. 19) teaches that Our Lord holds us accountable for how we administer the gifts He gives us (I Cor. 12:1-18).  God expects a husband to know his wife\u2019s God-given gifts and to encourage her to develop and use them for His glory as they glorify God together (I Peter 3:7[480]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Jews were exiled to Babylon when they didn\u2019t fulfill God\u2019s conditions.  They possessed the land, but they didn\u2019t keep God\u2019s law (Je. 32:23[481]<\/sup><\/a>) and they didn\u2019t give the land its Sabbaths (II Chr. 36:21[482]<\/sup><\/a>).  They misused the gift, so they lost the blessing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God formed your daughter in her mother\u2019s womb as a good and perfect help meet to be His gift to her husband (Mt. 7:11[483]<\/sup><\/a>, Jas. 1:17[484]<\/sup><\/a>, I Cor. 11:8-9[485]<\/sup><\/a>).  You want your son-in-law to fulfill all<\/em> of God\u2019s conditions when he possesses your daughter so he can receive the full<\/em> blessing of receiving your daughter as an unmerited gift from God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Old Testament explains how.  Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel received from his mother.  She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:<\/p>\n\n\n\n