{"id":23577,"date":"2025-04-26T18:29:24","date_gmt":"2025-04-26T22:29:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/awarningministry.com\/?p=23577"},"modified":"2025-04-26T18:41:00","modified_gmt":"2025-04-26T22:41:00","slug":"advantages-of-a-meek-and-quiet-spirit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/awarningministry.com\/index.php\/2025\/04\/26\/advantages-of-a-meek-and-quiet-spirit\/","title":{"rendered":"Advantages of a Meek and Quiet Spirit"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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It\u2019s part of a book, see\u00a0<\/strong>https:\/\/a.co\/d\/fPHji3D<\/strong><\/a> <\/strong><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Bill Taylor<\/strong><\/a> A woman sets her value by how she behaves. The price of a virtuous woman is far beyond rubies. Her price should be his life for her life. If her price is a few dinners or movies, she isn\u2019t worth much. If she and he set her value high, it will be easier for her to belong to him. There are other advantages to dressing and acting modestly:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/successful-marriage.blogspot.com\/…\/gods-simple…<\/strong><\/a> <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s part of a book, see <\/strong>https:\/\/a.co\/d\/fPHji3D<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Advantages of a <\/a>Meek and Quiet Spirit<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Women must be taught to behave modestly to avoid unwanted male attention.  Modern society teaches girls to dress in revealing clothes and to flirt to attract attention from men.  That\u2019s anti-Biblical:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4<\/sup>But let it be the hidden man of the heart<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, which is in the sight of God of great price.  I Peter 3:3-4<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array<\/p>\n\n\n\n

; 10<\/sup>But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.  I Timothy 2:9-10<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society teaches women to act like toys.  Godly behavior is the opposite of flirting, dressing in \u201cmarketing mode,\u201d or giving signals that tell men \u201ccome play with me.\u201d  If you aren\u2019t giving it away, don\u2019t advertise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ever watch a boy play with a toy truck?  He pushes it one way then another way until he gets tired of it.  Then he throws it away and grabs another toy.  It\u2019s wrong<\/em> for a man to stir up a woman\u2019s emotions by playing with her, but many men play with women when women let them or advertise their availability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with.  Fifteen years later, I still don\u2019t think I\u2019m over him.  I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him.  I\u2019m married now and I feel like it\u2019s a threesome in my heart.  He is still there.  It is like he is a part of me and I still can\u2019t get over him.\u201d[60]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

When Magic Johnson talked about having AIDS in 1991, I read that women dressed in low-cut spandex and lined up outside locker rooms.  Athletes would come out, choose a toy from the lineup, and take her to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How could a woman give herself to a man who didn\u2019t even know her name?  A reporter interviewed some of the women.  Their general feeling was, \u201cWe are nothing and will always be nothing.  But when we\u2019re in bed with a hero, some of his greatness rubs off on us.\u201d  How sad<\/em> that these women hadn\u2019t been taught that God created them to be His treasured gift for one man<\/em>, not sex toys who wander from man to man seeking love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c. . . the inability to bond after multiple liaisons is rooted in the fact that our behaviors actually physically change our brains.  The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.\u201d[61]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\u201c. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction.  The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.\u201d[62]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-974<\/sup>).  Giving herself to a man binds her to him.  Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly.  Breaking up can make it very hard for either of them to form a strong marriage later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOne significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval.  Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more<\/strong> . . .\u201d[63]<\/a>  [Emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are \u201cdesigned\u201d to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life.  This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter.[64]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Men Don\u2019t Always <\/a>Respect or Honor Women<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Sinful men pervert God\u2019s gift of attraction between men and women and may rape or murder just for pleasure from a woman.  Sarah was so beautiful that Abraham had her say that she was his sister because he feared he\u2019d be murdered when he traveled to Egypt during a famine (Gen. 12:10-20).  Sure enough:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.   Genesis 12:15<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pharaoh didn\u2019t ask if Sarah wanted<\/em> to come into his house.  Adam didn\u2019t ask Eve whether she wanted to be called \u201cwoman (Gen. 2:23)\u201d or \u201cEve (Gen. 3:20).\u201d  Nobody asked Esther whether she wanted<\/em> to belong to King Ahasuerus (Est. 2:8[65]<\/sup><\/a>).  Did David ask Bathsheba if she wanted to date him (2 Sam. 11:4[66]<\/a>)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Isaac traveled to Gerar to flee a famine.  He was afraid that men would murder him to have Rebekah and told her to say she was his sister.  The local ruler wasn\u2019t happy about being deceived:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Genesis 26:10<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rape would be only a light moment of pleasure because Rebekah had no right to her own body.  She was married, however, so her rapist would have been guilty of a property crime against her husband<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Bible isn\u2019t alone in describing a man\u2019s natural attitude of taking rape lightly.  \u201cThe Sexual Assault Case That Shook Ancient Rome<\/a>\u201d[67]<\/sup><\/a> explains:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A prominent politician was accused of raping a 12-year-old actress<\/strong>\u2014in 54 B.C. The way his legendary lawyer dismissed it speaks volumes about how we prosecute these crimes now. . . .<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

It was more than 2,000 years before the #MeToo movement, but a scene similar to the ones we\u2019ve witnessed so often lately was already playing out. A prominent politician was on trial for corruption and bribery, charges bolstered by dirt his enemies had dug up from his past: the violent sexual assault of a young girl<\/strong>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Those charges of corruption and bribery were a serious matter, but to the men in the court, the rape charge was nothing. It was harmless boys-will-be-boys misbehavior<\/strong> \u2014 something half the men there were guilty of themselves.  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Women must be taught to be careful.  Women complain about \u201crape culture\u201d but put themselves in danger by getting drunk.  If a woman leaves her purse in a convertible with the top down, is it a surprise if someone steals it?  People shouldn\u2019t steal and men shouldn\u2019t rape, but should women be careful?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Treating sex as play harms women.  A woman should be valued for far<\/em> more than sex.  Being treated as a toy and discarded can make it hard for a woman to trust a husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as he and God expect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women need Answers <\/a>when a Man Approaches<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

God helped us a lot as my wife and I courted and married.  We understood the basics from Bible reading and attending church, but we missed two major ideas.  We made two bad mistakes that could have damaged our marriage, but God protected us because we\u2019d involved Him.  More on that later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman needs answers when a man\u2019s interested in her.  A year before I found her, my wife thought she\u2019d marry her boyfriend.  He was a youth group leader and served in the church, but he could be very negative.  Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time at church with the man she loved.  Other weekends were awful because he tore her down.  She never knew how their time together would go.  She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected unkindly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her parents had always loved her and encouraged her.  She\u2019d been an outgoing person before she met him.  They were worried at seeing her become withdrawn and uncertain from being around him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him.  To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew his family.  He said her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way<\/em> she\u2019d be able to make him happy.  When she asked her boyfriend about it, he huffed, \u201cThat\u2019s the way I am.  If you don\u2019t like it, good bye!\u201d so she stopped seeing him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What was her mistake?  She hadn\u2019t guarded her heart:Keep thy heart with all diligence<\/p>\n\n\n\n

; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God!  Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:  Proverbs 32:7a<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.  Matthew 15:18<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Our hearts define what we are, but we\u2019re supposed<\/em> to rule our emotions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Having learned why<\/em> she should let God direct her (Pr. 3:5-6[68]<\/sup><\/a>), she asked God to choose her husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A year went by and she wanted<\/em> to marry.  She prayed, \u201cOh God, please, send me a husband or make me content without one.\u201d  One day, as she opened her hymnbook, she felt that she\u2019d been seen<\/em> by a man behind her.  \u201cIs this my husband?\u201d she thought.  She was thinking of marrying me before she even saw me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She felt<\/em> my interest in her.  This \u201csituational sense\u201d is how God protects women from bigger, stronger men.  Gavin de Becker\u2019s \u201cThe Gift of Fear\u201d https:\/\/a.co\/d\/4t8Ik2u<\/a> describes women who were robbed or raped.  They said they felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking.  His book says to pay attention<\/em> when we feel something\u2019s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not.  A woman can see into a man\u2019s heart if she looks (Judges 16:18a[69]<\/sup><\/a>).  Many women ignore God\u2019s gift for protection and won\u2019t look because they\u2019re afraid they might see something negative and have to call it off . . .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We talked for an hour or so after church, then I told her I was going to date her.  I didn\u2019t ask her, I told<\/em> her.  Way back in 1971, women\u2019s lib told women not to follow any man; I needed to know if she\u2019d take direction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Mark 10:45<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Mark 9:35<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A man must lead a woman by serving her, but that works only if she\u2019s willing to follow, see page<\/a> 57.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She knew I was taking command.  Wheels turned behind her eyes 15-20 seconds.  She heard God ask, \u201cWho\u2019s going to choose?  You or me?\u201d She gulped and said \u201cOK.\u201d  She gulped even though she wanted to date me and was pretty sure God planned to give her to me.  Having seen her friends hurt badly by men, she knew that getting involved with a man would have a profound effect on her life.  She\u2019s not alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[70]<\/sup><\/a>).  It wasn\u2019t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn\u2019t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[71]<\/sup><\/a>).  Why did she veil?  She knew Isaac\u2019s plans<\/em> would have a strong<\/em> effect on her.  All she knew about Isaac was that he was a relative who could fling the bling (Gen. 24:53[72]<\/sup><\/a>).  She hoped<\/em> to find rest in marriage to him.  Covering herself gave her a little space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her Terms <\/a>and Conditions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I asked my future wife to lunch at the next opportunity.  She said \u201cYes,\u201d but as we were leaving church for the restaurant, she gave her real<\/em> answer.  \u201cBefore you spend any money on me, you should know that I\u2019m looking for a husband.  I\u2019m not just looking for fun; I want to get married.  I\u2019m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry.  God made me to be a treasure for some man<\/em>.  If you aren\u2019t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I\u2019m not a toy<\/em>.  I don\u2019t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart.  When a woman lets herself fall in love with a man who isn\u2019t willing to marry anyone, she\u2019s crusin\u2019 for a brusin\u2019; she\u2019s in for a world of hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me<\/em> to pay her<\/em> way.  In the past, a woman wouldn\u2019t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn\u2019t marry unless he\u2019d grown up enough to have a job.  Even back in 1971, many women lived with men without marriage, paid \u201ctheir share\u201d of the rent, and became \u201cfriends with benefits.\u201d  She was letting me know she<\/em> wasn\u2019t going to do that<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When God told Adam he\u2019d eat by the sweat of his face, God made no provision for Eve to eat.  Women aren\u2019t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery; the Japanese character for \u201cman\u201d combines \u201cfield\u201d and \u201cstrength\u201d because men provide strength in the field.  For generations, a woman starved if she didn\u2019t please a man enough for him to choose to feed her.  The Bible sums up marriage in one verse, page<\/a> 12:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife<\/p>\n\n\n\n

; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

She made the same points.  She expected me to pay, she expected marriage, she expected me to treat her as a treasure, and she planned to be<\/em> a treasure.  Rebekah knew<\/em> Isaac loved her so she was able to comfort him.  A woman can\u2019t<\/em> comfort a man unless she feels loved<\/em>.  A woman can\u2019t create much love, but she multiplies<\/em> all the love her husband gives her and fills her house and church with love and light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She re-emphasized marriage by telling me she wasn\u2019t a toy.  She\u2019d seen her friends get involved with men who didn\u2019t see anything wrong with sex outside marriage even if the woman wasn\u2019t willing, see page<\/a> 24.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[73]<\/sup><\/a>, 1 Cor. 11:8-9[74]<\/sup><\/a>).  A woman who loves a man puts on the yoke of pleasing him (1 Cor. 7:34[75]<\/sup><\/a>).  She needs a man who\u2019s naturally<\/em> pleased with her the way God made her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a man says he loves a girl, he means he wants her to open her body to him.  Men think the birth control pill means a girl plans to have sex.  This makes it hard to say \u201cNo,\u201d so she shouldn\u2019t take it.  She can say, \u201cWe can\u2019t do that, you\u2019ll get me pregnant.  The pill causes blood clots and dangers so I\u2019m not taking it.  No sex unless we\u2019re married, and I won\u2019t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that\u2019s why men want women.  I was attracted to her, I liked talking to her, and she tells me she plans to be God\u2019s treasure for her husband!  I didn\u2019t know she had no idea what being my treasure meant, but I knew exactly<\/em> what it would be like to have her be God\u2019s treasure for me<\/em>.  If she meant that<\/em>, I\u2019d be a fool not to marry her.  I said, \u201cSure,\u201d and we went to lunch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth – William Shakespeare<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

On the way to the restaurant, I did something very Japanese that made her angry.  She could have gotten in her car and driven home.  If she\u2019d done that, I\u2019d have been badly hurt and we probably wouldn\u2019t have married.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She thought, \u201cThis guy\u2019s smitten with me.  He didn\u2019t offer to buy me food to make me mad.\u201d  Instead of showing anger, she gently<\/em> asked why I\u2019d done it.  When I told her, she liked my reason.  She saw that there would be many such issues, but she could trust me to tell her why<\/em>.  When I opened my heart to her as Boaz opened his heart to Ruth the day they met (Ruth 2:11-12[76]<\/sup><\/a>), she knew that we\u2019d be OK if I told her why<\/em>.  Her assuming I didn\u2019t want<\/em> to anger her got her a husband.  Assuming good faith is a key to happy marriage!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!\u201d \u2013 Oliver Cromwell<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Putting Marriage on <\/a>the Table<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Was it Biblical to mention marriage first?  Boaz saw Ruth daily as she gleaned (Ru. 2:23[77]<\/sup><\/a>), but Boaz didn\u2019t think of marriage.  Once she gave him the idea, it was such a good<\/em> idea he rushed out and married her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get marriage on the table immediately<\/em>.  If a man won\u2019t agree to consider<\/em> marrying a woman who plans to be God\u2019s treasure for her husband, there\u2019s something wrong<\/em> with him and she shouldn\u2019t waste her time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Answers While Dating<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019d asked God to choose her husband.  Knowing that I didn\u2019t know how to nourish and cherish her, the Holy Spirit led her to tell me how.  This was of God because I understood what she said.  After we married, her mind works so differently from mine that it took me a year to begin<\/em> to understand her thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On our second date, she told me she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night.  She\u2019d asked God to protect her years before, now she asked me to help God protect her.  I knew God commands purity so I was OK with this.  My classmates were pretty casual about sex.  It was a good thing the Holy Spirit told her to remind me that God expected me to protect her from the moment we met until the hour of my death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Would I<\/a> Rule Her?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She saw that I could<\/em> rule her when I told her we\u2019d date, but she wanted to know how<\/em> I\u2019d rule.  Our third date was at my apartment with my roommate.  She did something I told her not to do.  She said, \u201cYou can\u2019t stop me.\u201d  Ladies, if you challenge a man, he\u2019ll be tempted to react physically.  This puts you at risk.  We didn\u2019t understand the danger.  I carried her upstairs to the shower and let her know she was asking for a soaking.  \u201cI don\u2019t have any other clothes.\u201d  It was summer; the clothes she was wearing would dry in a few hours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She said, \u201cI\u2019ll behave,\u201d so I never turned the shower on.  I didn\u2019t yell; I didn\u2019t hit her.  She knew<\/em> I\u2019d rule gently<\/em> so it would be safe<\/em> to promise to obey me.  She rested in following me and started saying \u201cYes, sir\u201d as the spirit moved her.  Resting<\/em> in me changed her body language so much that at our first visit to her parents\u2019 house the next week, her mother thought, \u201cShe\u2019s calm.  She feels safe<\/em> with him.  They\u2019ll marry soon.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Challenging me wasn\u2019t a good idea, but we didn\u2019t know any better.  She\u2019d accepted God\u2019s guidance but that didn\u2019t keep us from making mistakes along the way.  I hadn\u2019t thought enough about dating to know how else to deal with her challenge.  A friend of ours locked his wife out in the snow until she agreed to get with his program.  Was that a better way?  Servant leadership works only on the willing; she chose<\/em> to follow me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Protecting<\/a> Her Purity<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We had no idea <\/em>how important purity is to Holy Matrimony, but we found out why God had her tell me how much it meant to her.  My desire for her had been building since we met.  She\u2019d made purity important so I played things very cool for weeks.  We knew fornication was wrong; we were saving ourselves for marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was put off because I was so aloof.  She was about to marry me, she was about to commit her life to me, and she wanted to know<\/em> I loved her and that I wanted<\/em> her badly enough to stay<\/em> with her.  She looked at me with a peculiar look and said, \u201cYou\u2019re acting so cold and aloof, I\u2019m not sure you really want me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This 2nd<\/sup> ill-advised challenge blew me away.  Not knowing any better, I reacted as a man.  I was doing my best<\/em> to keep us pure, and she didn\u2019t know I wanted her!  There are times when there\u2019s nothing you can say to a woman, there are times when the only way to convince her is with action<\/em>.  I put my arms firmly<\/em> around her and kissed her thoroughly, just like romance stories, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t know that kissing could trigger her desires.  We hadn\u2019t understood God\u2019s warning:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2<\/sup>Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTouch\u201d carries the meaning of kindling her or arousing her.  Having had no<\/em> instruction in that area, I had crossed God\u2019s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness.  Some tell younger women not to kiss because it may give him ideas.  That\u2019s utterly wrong. <\/em> Men don\u2019t get<\/em> ideas, men have<\/em> ideas.  Kissing can give her<\/em> ideas.  When both parties have the same idea, it\u2019s hard to stop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFrom an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws couples together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug<\/strong> from a partner.\u201d[78]<\/sup><\/a>  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

She relaxed for a few seconds, then struggled, then went limp.  I finished kissing and looked at her.  She was stunned.  She was panting lightly; her face was flushed.  I picked up her hand and it flopped down to her side, she was limp<\/em>.  My kiss had set her off, her hormones<\/em> were in charge; she was mine<\/em> for the taking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I then did the most difficult thing I\u2019ve ever done.  I\u2019d had ideas since the moment we met.  That kiss worked on me, too, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her, but I backed her up until she sat down in a chair, I backed up to another chair, and sat down to get my breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After a few minutes, she said, \u201cWow, you really do<\/em> want me!\u201d  I said, \u201cYeah, but we better get out of here,\u201d and we got.  We were never, ever alone again until after our wedding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She told me what happened.  She said, \u201cI felt a falling sensation, that\u2019s when I struggled, then I was lost.  You could\u2019ve done anything<\/em> you wanted with me, and I couldn\u2019t have done anything about it.  I couldn\u2019t yell, I couldn\u2019t struggle, I was yours.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s how date rape happens, a man rubs her or kisses her for a few seconds at the wrong time, and she\u2019s his.<\/em>  The man will say \u201cshe wanted it.\u201d  She may have wanted it, but so what?  Eve wanted the forbidden fruit and Adam, whom God told to protect (keep) the garden (Gen. 2:15[79]<\/sup><\/a>), failed to protect her from her desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was the hardest thing we ever did, but we\u2019re so glad we waited.  We had to talk through our disagreements.  We couldn\u2019t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.\u201d[80]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

How can a woman follow a man or obey him when she knows<\/em> he failed to protect her from his desires or from her desires?  If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women?  If she gave herself without marriage, how can he trust her?  Studies show that\u2019s not a good foundation for marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex\u201d[81]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

There is a cure.  The man is the leader so he must apologize to her, to her parents, and to God.  If she enticed him, she also must apologize to him and to her parents.  Then<\/em> God can cleanse them (1 Jn. 1:9[82]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being Confident She\u2019s <\/a>Wanted<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A woman wants to be sure<\/em> that a potential husband wants her badly.  If she\u2019s attracted strongly enough to a man to consider spending the rest of her life with him, she wants him to be absolutely nuts over her.  She knows that the time will come when she’s got the flu, she’s pregnant out to here<\/em>, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she’s too sick to do anything about it.  If he’s really smitten with her, he’ll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.  But how does she know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before the welfare system existed, a father knew that his daughter and his grandchildren could starve if her husband abandoned her.  Prospective bridegrooms among the Fulani tribesmen in Nigeria had to prove their manhood and their desire for the woman by submitting to a severe flogging.[83]<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. 17<\/sup>And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife.  Joshua 15:16-17<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Othniel wanted Achsah badly enough to risk his life in battle.  Legends tell us that knights in the Middle Ages performed daring deeds to win a lady\u2019s favor, a concept rooted in the chivalric code.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTo be a great knight, you ought to have consideration of civilians, for women,\u201d Wollock says. \u201cThe greatest knights are inspired by the love of some lady out there and want to impress her and win her love by doing great deeds.\u201d[84]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Women always want to know, but challenging a man physically isn\u2019t a safe way to test his desire.  Her father or other male relative can measure his commitment when talking with him, page<\/a> 45.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talking is More Importan<\/a>t to Wives Than Men Can Imagine<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The Book of Esther shows how badly wives want<\/em> to talk to husbands.  King Ahasuerus had an empire-wide beauty contest for a new queen.  Esther won and became queen.  When Haman conspired to murder all the Jews, Esther\u2019s uncle Mordecai asked her to talk to her husband to try to stop the slaughter.  Esther replied:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All the king’s servants, and the people of the king’s provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or women<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Esther 4:11<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ahasuerus \u201cloved Esther above all the women (Esther 2:17)\u201d but he ignored her for a month.  Wives yearn<\/em> to talk to their husbands.  Suppose the king told his wives not to come to his office.  When a king\u2019s wife tried to come in to talk to him, would a guard get physical with her to keep her out?  Not if he valued his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The only<\/em> way to keep his wives from trying to talk to him when he hadn\u2019t called was to threaten them with death!  That<\/em> is how badly wives yearn<\/em> to talk to husbands.  Proverbs 17:22 teaches, \u201cA merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.\u201d  Not being able to talk to her husband dries her bones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some say, \u201cIf a man loves a woman\u2019s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won\u2019t satisfy him.\u201d  Opening his heart enough to love a woman\u2019s soul takes so many days of talk that a man can\u2019t belong to more than one.  Instead of having one woman enjoy belonging to him, Solomon had 1,000 unhappy women under his roof.  No wonder<\/em> his soul was empty (Ec. 7:27-28[85]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why did David want Bathsheba when he had so many wives?  Because he hadn\u2019t taken the time to open his heart to any of his wives enough to love her soul<\/em>.  He wasn\u2019t satisfied, so he lusted after Bathsheba.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t know that, so the Holy Spirit had my wife-to-be explain.  Shortly before our wedding, she told me she was looking forward to being married.  I thought we were on the same page, but she went on.  \u201cI really like talking to you.  Once we\u2019re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What??!!  That\u2019s more talk than a man can imagine<\/em>, she was expecting hours per day!  I\u2019d been talking a lot <\/em>while dating because we couldn\u2019t do anything else.  I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn\u2019t have<\/em> to talk about it any more.  As she got marriage on the table, as she asked me to focus my attention on her alone, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine <\/em>was an important part of our coming marriage covenant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had no idea how vital this was.  Let\u2019s just say that a woman can\u2019t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants.  She can\u2019t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know<\/em> what he wants.  Then she can be sure<\/em> he\u2019ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[86]<\/sup><\/a>).  It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can begin to understand what a woman is saying.  If I hadn\u2019t promised to talk to her, I\u2019d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says \u201cThe heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.\u201d  God wanted me to know that it was OK to open my heart to her.  Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me makes her mine.  The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife should belong to each other.  God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and all that talk made me hers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was really<\/em> put off by the idea of so much talk, but the Holy Spirit\u2019s timing was perfect \u2013 I couldn\u2019t contain:<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.  I Corinthians 7:9<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

That weekend her mother told me, \u201cThere\u2019s so much to do<\/em>.  We may have to postpone the wedding.\u201d  I told her she could postpone the wedding, but I wasn\u2019t going to postpone the honeymoon.  She got it done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she saw us after the honeymoon, she asked if I\u2019d learned how to handle her daughter.  \u201cYes,\u201d I replied.  \u201cWith both hands!\u201d  A woman must be taught that her husband plans to handle her with both hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My eagerness to marry her in spite of asking for all that talk illustrates Naomi\u2019s advice how to get<\/em> married:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.  Ruth 3:18<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Sex has always<\/em> defined marriage.  A woman may guide a man\u2019s house without marrying him, we have housemaids.  A woman may raise a man\u2019s children without marrying him; we have nannies and teachers.  A woman may feed a man without marriage; we have cooks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there\u2019s one<\/em> thing tradition and God <\/em>say they must not do outside marriage,<\/em> and that\u2019s have sex.  As Naomi told Ruth, desire followed by commitment followed by sex defines<\/em> marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jacob worked for Rachel\u2019s father for seven years.  He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked together, and did things together.  Why wasn\u2019t this enough for him?  Why did he want to marry her?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Genesis 29:21<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jacob wanted to marry so he could have sex with Rachel; God and custom<\/em> required marriage before sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many women give a man rest without insisting on marriage.  If he can have her without marrying, what would marriage give him that he doesn\u2019t already have?  There\u2019s an old saying, \u201cIt don\u2019t mean a thing if it ain\u2019t got that zing!\u201d  A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talking the Way a <\/a>Wife Needs is Difficult for a Man<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Men and women speak in such different ways that it\u2019s difficult for them to understand each other<\/a>[87]<\/a>.  Wives, opening his heart to you whenever you want to talk is as hard<\/em> for a man as your opening your body to him whenever he\u2019s able to have you.  The Bible tells women to submit to their husbands.  Doing that<\/em> when she\u2019d rather do something else is what submission is<\/em>.  God gives a very explicit command<\/em> to husbands:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jn. 1:1[88]<\/a> says that God is<\/em> His Word.  Ps. 138:2[89]<\/a> says that God values His word above His Name.  If a Christian doesn\u2019t love the Word of God, does he love God?  If a man doesn\u2019t love his wife\u2019s words, does he love her?  Will she feel loved?  This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, feelings, and think<\/em> about her when making decisions.  If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband brings home chocolate, will she feel loved?  The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation.  There\u2019s a reward \u2013 the better his wife knows him, the more easily she can please him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This can be very hard<\/em>.  My wife\u2019s sister\u2019s husband died and she flew to the service celebrating his life.  She told me about it on the phone and on the way back from the airport.  She told a friend at church sitting close enough that I heard it all.  She then told me everything she\u2019d told her friend.  She went over this very emotional experience at least<\/em> 20 times.  She felt differently about it each time, but to me, she was talking about the same thing, over and over.  I had to care<\/em> about it each time<\/em> in spite of being bored.  That\u2019s hard.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

God is just.  My wife thinks I want to do<\/em> the same old thing over and over.  It\u2019s new and different to me each time, but to her, it\u2019s the same.  \u201cAgain?  Didn\u2019t we just do that?\u201d  God expects us to value each other\u2019s things (Phi. 2:4[90]<\/a>), but it takes hours and days of back-and-forth, question-and-answer to learn what they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My son\u2019s wife asked about church policy.  It took 45 minutes of question and answer for me to understand her question because she thought so differently from my wife.  It took 15 minutes to explain my answer.  After another 10 minutes, it turned out that my answer was wrong.  We worked out the right answer together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is no way<\/em> a man can spend that much time learning about more than one woman.  Obeying God\u2019s command for a husband to know his wife means that he can have only one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why <\/a>Our Purity Was Important<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Serving God by belonging to me cost her far more than she had expected.  My wife knew that God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband (Gen. 3:16[91]<\/sup><\/a>) and she knew that women are made for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[92]<\/sup><\/a>), women must think<\/em> about those passages.  She thought<\/em> God meant that she\u2019d want to get married.  She\u2019d wanted to be a wife and mother all her life; she thought<\/em> she understood what God had in mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nobody<\/em> had told her what to expect.  She didn\u2019t know that God had worked on her hormones so that she\u2019d really<\/em> be mine.  A few hours after our wedding, she was shocked<\/em> at how strongly she yearned<\/em> to belong to me.  My taking her to wife had deeply <\/em>changed her feelings.  She\u2019d expected to love me, but she was shocked to lose her sense of independence as God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate.  Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man<\/strong> even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship.  She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can\u2019t make herself separate<\/strong>.  This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive<\/strong>.[93]<\/sup><\/a>  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man humbles a woman by taking her, that\u2019s part<\/em> of the cost of a man in her life.  A wife should choose<\/em> to humble herself in marriage as Jesus humbled Himself on earth:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.  Philippians 4:8<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Humbling herself by belonging to her new husband and serving me gladly helped her children have a father, but my wife\u2019s strong feeling of belonging to me made her feel she was falling through space.  Losing her independence was the most frightening experience of her life.  She couldn\u2019t sleep!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her mind wanted her to run and get back her independence, but instead of running, she went in the next room and cried out to God, \u201cOh, Lord, what have I done, I let this man take me, now I belong<\/em> to him!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then she prayed, \u201cGod, I asked you to stop me if he wasn\u2019t right for me, and You didn\u2019t.\u201d  She knew God was faithful.  All her days, she\u2019d prayed that God would work on her<\/em> heart to make her the wife He wanted her to be.  This feeling of belonging to me didn\u2019t make sense, nobody had told her about it, but such a strong feeling from within her had to be God working on her heart as she\u2019d asked Him to do.  She finally prayed, \u201cLord, You must really<\/em> want me to belong to him.  If that\u2019s what You want, I\u2019ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.\u201d  Having chosen<\/em> to humble herself by belonging to me, she came back to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Years later, she thanked me for not taking her before the wedding.  \u201cYou gave me your grandmother\u2019s ring,\u201c she said, \u201cand you promised before God and both our families that you\u2019d take care of me, and I was still<\/em> terrified.  If that had happened before you\u2019d committed yourself to me, I\u2019d have had to work hard <\/em>to turn off that part of my feelings, and I might not have been able to turn them back on.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I Serve God by Serving You<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

24 hours after our wedding, she said, \u201cI\u2019ve been thinking about being married to you.\u201d  I thought, \u201cWe\u2019re married, what\u2019s to talk about,\u201d but she had<\/em> told me talking was important to her, so we talked.  \u201cThe Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,\u201d she said.  I thought, \u201cNeat-o!  We\u2019re on the same page!\u201d but she wasn\u2019t done.  \u201cI\u2019ll do my best to do that,\u201d she said, \u201cbut I\u2019m not doing it for you.  I\u2019m doing it for God because He<\/em> told me to.  I\u2019m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next day, I said, \u201cGod wants me to lead you and take care of you.  The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all.  If I\u2019m to lead you as God wants, I have to lead you by serving you.  You said it well \u2013 I\u2019ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage, like salvation, is an undeserved gift of God.  The only way to be saved is to repent, die to your former life, and be married to Christ (Ro. 7:4[94]<\/sup><\/a>).  A husband won\u2019t deserve his wife\u2019s submission, his wife won\u2019t deserve his giving his life to nourish her; those are undeserved gifts of God\u2019s grace.  God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other, their children, and their church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh.  The only way two people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family.  Each must give the other the same love and grace God gave in salvation (I Pe. 4:10[95]<\/sup><\/a>).  As Christ chose to love you regardless of your sins, you and your spouse must choose<\/em> to love and serve each other no matter what<\/em> \u2018til death do you part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect; you can only do this by the Grace of God.  Watching her husband love her in spite of her failures increases her love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa (II Cor. 5:14a[96]<\/sup><\/a>).  When lost people see a couple give God\u2019s grace to each other, they\u2019ll want God\u2019s grace, and we have the privilege<\/em> of laboring together with God (1 Cor. 3:9[97]<\/sup><\/a>) to tell people how to get God\u2019s grace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Salvation is about God giving \u2013 for God so loved that He gave.  My wife so loves God that she let God give her to me; I so love God that I let God give me to her.  Our love for each other flows from our love for God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men and Women See <\/a>Marriage Differently<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A healthy man can make love 3-4 times per day, sometimes 5 or 6, but his ability drops with age.  Learning what being my treasure meant<\/em> taught my wife to tell a young lady that her husband plans to have her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed<\/em>.  That\u2019s how she\u2019ll choose to serve him.  That makes a woman angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife then points out that she\u2019ll want her husband to open his heart to her at least<\/em> that often.  That\u2019s how he chooses to serve her.  A girl somehow knows that opening herself to him that much will make her belong to him and that opening himself to her that much will make him belong to her.  It\u2019s hard<\/em> for a man to open his heart to a woman who\u2019s not his and it\u2019s hard<\/em> for a woman to open herself to a man who isn\u2019t hers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The more a man takes his wife, the more she wants to talk.  The more a man talks, the more he wants to have her.  They must \u201cbe subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[98]<\/a>)\u201d to make this work.  The Bible tells how:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5<\/sup>Defraud ye not one the other<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.  I Corinthians 7:4-5<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.  Matthew 10:39<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.  Mark 8:35<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

The wife not having power means she must open herself to her husband to keep him from temptation.  The man not having power of his body means he must open his heart.  If he doesn\u2019t meet her emotional needs, she\u2019ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men.  This often leads to physical infidelity.  God warns that its fraud<\/em> against your marriage vows not to meet your spouse\u2019s needs.  Making your spouse feel safe in being married to you makes it easier for your spouse to meet your needs and avoid temptation, page<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Traditional marriage vows said \u201cto have and to hold.\u201d  A man marries to have her; she marries so he\u2019ll hold her.  My wife warns younger women of his dream of 20 times per day to emphasize how utterly different<\/em> a man\u2019s view of sex is from hers.  The Holy Spirit had her tell me she planned to talk more in a day of marriage than in a week of dating.  This warned me that her view of marriage was utterly different<\/em> from mine, page<\/a> 30.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, my lord being old also<\/p>\n\n\n\n

?  Genesis 18:12<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take Sarah\u2019s advice: enjoy your husband while he has the strength of his youth.  It makes him yours:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cVasopressin [the neurochemical that changes a man\u2019s brain as oxytocin changes a woman\u2019s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate<\/strong> and attachment to his offspring<\/strong>. . . . Often referred to as the \u2018monogamy molecule,\u2019 vasopressin seems to be a primary cause of men attaching to a woman with whom they have close and intimate physical contact. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding<\/strong> and bonding between fathers and children<\/strong>.\u201d[99]<\/sup><\/a>  [emphasis added]  A woman gives her children a father by belonging to him.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

And We Lived Happily Ever After<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A wife\u2019s role is important, but the husband has more influence on her happiness than she has.  Having told how God prepared us both for marriage, it\u2019s time to explain why our marriage worked out as well as it has.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She decided to let God give her to me.  She\u2019d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; such a strong<\/em> feeling of belonging to me had<\/em> to be from God.  Once she accepted that, she was able to tell me she planned to belong to me and to serve God by serving me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It never occurred to me that she wouldn\u2019t belong to me.  When I stood at the altar and vowed to God that I\u2019d give up my right to pursue all the other women in the world and focus on her, I expected<\/em> her to be mine.  The Japanese word \u201cshu-jin\u201d is translated \u201chusband.\u201d  \u201cJin\u201d is \u201cperson;\u201d \u201cshu\u201d is \u201cLord\u201d as in \u201cShu yesu kiristo;\u201d Lord Jesus Christ.  Shujin is literally \u201clord person.\u201d  A Japanese wife can\u2019t refer to her husband without calling him \u201cLord;\u201d it\u2019s built into the language as in Eph. 5:33[100]<\/sup><\/a>.  My possessiveness is of God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8[101]<\/sup><\/a>; Mk. 7:6[102]<\/sup><\/a>) without honoring them with their hearts.  If my wife had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and deeply disappointed.  I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4[103]<\/sup><\/a>).  Very little shames a man worse that having his wife not belong to him; I know two men who had heart attacks after suffering this shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Made Her Mine<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As Naomi told Ruth how to get<\/em> married, the wife\u2019s mother in the Song tells her daughter how to stay<\/em> married:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3<\/sup>His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:2-3<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 with her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?  Proverbs 5:20<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.  Proverbs 5:15<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Her mother knows she has more capacity than he does.  If she encourages his possessiveness, if she drains off all the energy he has, it will be hard<\/em> for other women to get his attention.  Giving herself calms her.  This takes away her independence and makes her feel that she belongs to him.  She can enjoy this if he also belongs to her, but if he doesn\u2019t, his desire becomes oppressive and abusive.  She\u2019ll try to avoid it, but if she sends him off to work loaded, he’ll be tempted to pay attention to another woman and they’ll both be burned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?  Proverbs 6:27<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?  Proverbs 6:28<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

God teaches men to praise their wives.  Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife feel happy and secure.  Ecclesiastes says that nothing<\/em> a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.  Ecclesiastes 1:14<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Solomon listed many things that won\u2019t give joy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: \u2026 I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine \u2026  I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: \u2026 I got me servants and maidens \u2026 I gathered me also silver and gold \u2026  I gat me men singers and women singers, as musical instruments, of all sorts. \u2026 Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 2:1-11<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Solomon tried it all, he found that there\u2019s nothing a man can do to make himself happy, except marriage:Live joyfully<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When my wife chose<\/em> to let God give her to me, her happiness became mine.  Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[104]<\/sup><\/a>; 21:9[105]<\/sup><\/a>, 19[106]<\/sup><\/a>; 25:24[107]<\/sup><\/a>; 27:15[108]<\/sup><\/a>), but when she was happy, life was good.  When she delighted in giving herself to me, I got a taste of the joys of Heaven I\u2019d expected when she told me God made her to be a treasure.  I work at learning how to rejoice with<\/em> her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teaching our children to honor her helped.  Kids are born selfish; they must learn<\/em> an attitude of gratitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29<\/sup>Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat \u201cThe elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Timothy 5:2).\u201d  Girls must be taught to insist<\/em> that men deal with them in purity<\/em> as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sexual sin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What <\/a>Made Me Hers<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I had another reason to learn about her besides God\u2019s command (I Pe. 3:7[109]<\/sup><\/a>).  I\u2019d heard men complain about women.  When I told her, she told me her friends had said, \u201cHe may love you, but he won\u2019t like things about you once you\u2019re married\u201d and they named the same things about women that my dorm mates disliked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was convinced<\/em> that God is good and had written \u201cFor God so loved me that He gave me you.\u201d  She said she was a gift from God, the Bible said it (Pr. 18:22[110]<\/sup><\/a>), and God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[111]<\/sup><\/a>; Jas. 1:17[112]<\/sup><\/a>).  Therefore, men who dislike characteristics which God made common to women are wrong<\/em>.  Those traits were not defects or mistakes; God made women that way on purpose<\/em> to bless men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I told my wife that anything true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me.  If I couldn\u2019t understand how or why something about her blessed me, it was my problem, not God\u2019s, and we\u2019d figure it out.  To build a strong bridge, I must understand concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature and explain mine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once she understood my plan to explore the mind of God with her, she was happy to look into herself to explain herself to me.  God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge.  My working to learn how she blessed me made her happy and helped me obey God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her.  When she\u2019d say, \u201cMy friends feel that way,\u201d I\u2019d conclude most women were like that.  Sometimes it was, \u201cI don\u2019t know anyone like that,\u201d for things unique to her.  At other times, she\u2019d ask; her friends either agreed with her or didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was another area where my engineering mind led me to obey God.  God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4[113]<\/sup><\/a>).  \u201cSanctification\u201d means \u201cset apart,\u201d God expected me to know how she was like other women and how she was God\u2019s special unique gift just for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The husband in the Song praises his wife in mind-numbing detail.  He looks for little details about her to appreciate.  She\u2019s \u201cbut one,\u201d (6:9) he sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women.  She says she belongs to him (2:16[114]<\/sup><\/a>, 6:3[115]<\/sup><\/a>, 7:10[116]<\/sup><\/a>) and in 7:10, \u201chis desire is toward me.\u201d  She enjoys seeing how much he desires her.  8:2-3[117]<\/sup><\/a> shows that she likes<\/em> belonging to him as my wife likes<\/em> belonging to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In all this talk about her emotions, skills, feelings, and other characteristics, I opened my heart to her rather often.  That made me belong to her.  This was as frightening to me as opening herself to me had been for her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me.  God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not enough for a man to have a woman belong<\/em> to him.  Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3).  They were his property and had to do what he told them.  There was none of this \u201cI\u2019m not in the mood\u201d or \u201cI have a headache.\u201d  This sounds like a masculine paradise, but how did it work out for Solomon?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not<\/p>\n\n\n\n

: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Solomon owned<\/em> a thousand women, yet his soul was empty.  Why?  He could command, but a woman won\u2019t like belonging to a man who refuses to belong to her.  Instead of having a woman enjoy belonging to him, he had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace.  No wonder his soul was empty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was Solomon\u2019s fault.  Belonging requires that he open his heart to her.  So much talk takes so much time that a man can\u2019t belong to more than one woman (Ex. 21:10[118]<\/a>).  \u201cIf a man loves a woman\u2019s soul, one woman is all he needs.  If all he sees is her face and figure, all the women in the world won\u2019t satisfy him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife strives to make her words health to me.  This makes it possible for me to feel safe in loving her, page<\/a> 1.  I feel safe opening my heart without fear that she\u2019ll hurt me, which keeps me belonging to her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I opened myself to her because I\u2019d promised and to learn how God designed her to bless me.  It took 20 years, but we can explain how characteristics my dorm mates disliked about women actually bless men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman can\u2019t make her husband any happier than he makes her.  Her happiness is greatest when he likes<\/em> belonging to her.  Opening his heart to her teaches him ways to make her happy if he pays attention and she will learn how to please him.  The happier a man makes his wife, the happier he will be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage is<\/em> wonderful, this man is so glad to be coming home to be with his wife that he\u2019s skipping:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Song of Solomon 2:8<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He\u2019s rushing home where he wants<\/em> to be.  Is he coming to admire the curtains?  Or for some other reason?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Wife is a <\/a>Mirror, She\u2019s Not a Light<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

God gives a woman sensitive emotions so that she wants her husband to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether he\u2019s pleased or not.  Her emotions make her into a mirror; she\u2019s not a light.  Wives multiply what men give.  Consider babies.  He gives her one tiny cell.  She multiplies his seed in her body and gives him a baby with billions<\/em> of cells.  Every cell of her baby has the mark of his<\/em> DNA (Gen. 5:3a[119]<\/a>).  If he gives her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if he gives her a girl cell, she makes a girl.  We reap what we sow:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.  Galatians 6:7<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

If he gives her joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9[120]<\/a>), she\u2019ll multiply it and fill their home with love and light to the Glory of God.  If he gives her anger, criticism, or unhappiness, she\u2019ll be tempted to use her power to vex his soul to death (Jud. 16:16[121]<\/sup><\/a>), multiply his<\/em> unhappiness, and give all<\/em> his unhappiness back to him.  If he gives her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she\u2019ll multiply the joy he gives her and fill their house with the light of his<\/em> joy in her<\/em>.  Men reap what they sow to their wives, very quickly.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A <\/a>Wife is What Her Husband Makes Her<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

God expects a man to love his wife as Christ loves His church:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26<\/sup>That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27<\/sup>That he might present it to himself a glorious church<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish<\/p>\n\n\n\n

. 28<\/sup>So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Ephesians 5:25-28<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus presents us to Himself a \u201cglorious church\u201d in verse 27.  Every man wants<\/em> to present to himself a \u201cglorious wife,\u201d and there\u2019s a simple way to do it \u2013 convince<\/em> her he\u2019s convinced<\/em> that she is<\/em> a glorious wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman heard that Johnny Lingo had paid 8 cows for his wife<\/a>[122]<\/a> when the going price was 3 or 4.  She could see that his wife liked<\/em> belonging to him.  Johnny explained that every wife knew what her husband had paid.  He might have gotten her for 1 or 2, but he paid 8 cows for her \u201cBecause I wanted an 8-cow wife.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember the 3 rules for marriage<\/strong>:  God is good, only praise, and treat each other as perfect.  A wife is what you make her.  You make her a glorious wife by opening your heart to her so that she knows<\/em> you\u2019re convinced<\/em> that she is<\/em> a glorious wife.  Johnny Lingo overpaid to convince<\/em> his wife he valued her highly!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just before our engagement, I wrote to her, \u201cFor God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you.\u201d  Marriage prospers if a man works hard<\/em> to treat his wife as God\u2019s good and perfect gift to him and she strives to be God\u2019s good and perfect gift to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Simplicity of <\/a>God\u2019s Marriage Rules<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Salvation is two words, \u201conly believe.\u201d  Staying<\/em> married is \u201conly praise.\u201d  We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him to keep us focused on an Attitude of Gratitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Is. 43:25[123]<\/sup><\/a>, Heb. 10:17[124]<\/sup><\/a>).  Eph. 5:1 commands<\/em>, \u201cBe ye therefore followers of God.\u201d  When you talk about your spouse, follow God and see the purity and perfection of His Son, your spouse\u2019s Lord and Savior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God expects bride and groom to marry with one perfect heart.  Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God and with each other.  Think of your spouse as perfect.  Talk of your spouse as perfect.  Tell everyone that your spouse is perfect.  Your words work back into your heart and you will treat<\/em> your spouse as perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lost people agree that \u201conly praise\u201d leads to a joyful marriage, but some say that people can\u2019t live that way.  The fruit of the spirit that comes from salvation (Gal. 5:22-23[125]<\/a>) helps.  The Bible-based guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage on page<\/a> 63 gives a way to handle problems and hurts saying anything negative about each other at all.<\/em>
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chapter 4 – God <\/a>Explained What Happened to Women After the Fall<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

God expects joyful Christian marriages to attract lost people who\u2019ll want to know how we do it.  The Genesis account of the fall tells a lot about marriage.  This helps us find the joy God offers if we do marriage His<\/em> way:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever!  Deuteronomy 5:29<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Adam was created to care for the garden and to \u201ckeep it\u201d which means to protect it.  God formed Eve to help him after<\/em> telling Adam not to eat from the tree of knowledge (Gen. 2:15-18[126]<\/a>); she didn\u2019t hear it from God.  Eve added \u201cneither shall ye touch it (Gen. 3:3)\u201d[127]<\/a> to what God said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adam wasn\u2019t deceived (1 Tim. 2:14[128]<\/a>).  In order not to have been deceived, he had to have heard what Satan said, he was there \u201cwith her\u201d the whole time.  Why didn\u2019t he tell Eve not to talk to the serpent, correct her misquoting God, or tell her not to eat the fruit she wanted so badly?  It was his<\/em> duty to keep her<\/em>, that\u2019s why God blamed him<\/em> (Ro. 5:19[129]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eve hadn\u2019t been formed when God told Adam not to eat the fruit.  Did Adam add to what God told him when he told Eve what God had said?  Ex. 19:10-11, 15[130]<\/sup><\/a> shows that Moses added \u201ccome not at your wives\u201d to what God told him.  Did Adam add to what God said as Moses had?  The Bible doesn\u2019t say.  Asking a man the logic behind his view on who misquoted God shows his attitude toward women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Eve touched the fruit and didn\u2019t die, she knew<\/em> that what she believed God had said was false.  Adding to the Word of God or misusing the Word of God makes it easy for Satan to question the Word of God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everybody Sees <\/a>how God Punished Adam<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Instead of confessing his sin of eating the fruit, Adam blamed Eve and blamed God for giving her to him.  She followed his leadership and blamed the serpent (Gen. 3:12-13[131]<\/a>).  To this day, many men blame their wives when things go wrong instead of accepting the responsibility God gave husbands for leading their wives<\/a>.[132]<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone who\u2019s tried to farm, plant a garden, or keep a lawn understands God\u2019s punishment of Adam:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; 18<\/sup>Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; 19<\/sup>In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.  Genesis 3:17b-19<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Adam wasn\u2019t cursed, the ground was cursed.  It\u2019s hard<\/em> to get rid of weeds.  This punished Eve \u2013 women can\u2019t farm or hunt without machinery.  A woman had to please a man enough to make him want<\/em> to feed her (1 Co. 7:34[133]<\/a>), or she\u2019d starve.  That gave women a strong<\/em> desire to be with men even though men cause women a lot of work, frustration, sorrow, and grief mixed with occasional joy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women should know why men feed them.  My grandmother visited after our first child.  Her husband was harsh and dictatorial, she became a \u201csteel magnolia,\u201d feminine, but tough as nails.  She asked when to expect a 2nd<\/sup> great grand.  I spoke of cost, worry, and effort helping my wife through pregnancy and caring for a child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She gave me \u201cthat look.\u201d  \u201cYoung man,\u201d she said,\u201d the pleasures of marriage you<\/em> enjoy are God\u2019s way of compensating you for the time, cost, sorrow, and work<\/em> of raising children to serve Him (Mal. 2:15[134]<\/a>).\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If a marriage isn\u2019t as joyful as our loving God planned, the man must take the lead in fixing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think <\/a>About Eve\u2019s Life in the Garden<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She didn\u2019t need a house – it never rained (Gen. 2:6[135]<\/a>).  They were naked; she didn\u2019t need clothes (Gen. 2:25[136]<\/a>).  She could always find fruit to eat (Gen. 3:2[137]<\/a>).  Adam didn\u2019t provide food, clothing, or shelter, God did that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked<\/p>\n\n\n\n

; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Genesis 3:7<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first thing they did after their eyes were opened was worry about clothes.  Our multi-billion dollar fashion industry works because women care so much about clothes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God made Eve not only to keep Adam from being alone, but to help him:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18  <\/strong>Did Eve help Adam by working with him to sew the fig leaves?  Or did he sew alone?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

A wife\u2019s need to help her husband wasn\u2019t punishment; her strong desire to help was built into her from the beginning.   After the fall, God\u2019s punishments of Eve explain how women would get along with men:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Greatly Multiply <\/a>thy Sorrow Through Sensitive Emotions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Most women have more sensitive emotions than men do.  Being sensitive helps women learn how to please husbands, but God multiplies sorrow to women because their feelings are easily hurt.  The Bible says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every wise woman buildeth her house:  Proverbs 14:1a<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

A woman\u2019s emotions are the cement that builds her house.  There\u2019s no logical<\/em> reason for a wife to pour her life into serving her family, women do this on emotion.  Men, would you like to be married to you?  Could you do what your wife does?  How can women do what they do?  Women build homes and churches through love and emotion, but they can\u2019t unless they\u2019re free to express<\/em> their emotions and are appreciated for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God punished Eve by giving women a strong<\/em> emotional desire to please men (1 Cor. 7:34[138]<\/a>).  Husbands rule through praise: women do more of what\u2019s praised.  If all they get is criticism, they\u2019ll do more of what\u2019s criticized the most.  How human!  God gave women strong emotions on purpose,<\/em> it was not<\/em> an accident:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

a prudent wife is from the LORD<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  Proverbs 19:14b<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPrudence\u201d means thinking ahead; the way a woman\u2019s mind works, that is, her prudence, is of the Lord.  God made women think the way they do on purpose.<\/em>  The mixture of logic and emotion God gives a woman makes her want to serve her family and build her home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God multiplied conception.  How many babies would a woman need to populate the earth if nobody died?<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thy Desire <\/a>Shall be to thy Husband<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A woman desires<\/em> to belong to a man who\u2019s pleased with her (Song 1:2[139]<\/a>, 8:2-3[140]<\/a>).  A man desires to have a woman belong to him (Song 7:10[141]<\/a>).  Eve wanted to be with Adam enough to accept him claiming and naming her (Gen. 2:23[142]<\/a>, 3:20[143]<\/a>), but God increased<\/em> women\u2019s desire for a man in His punishment<\/em> of Eve.  Warning:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23<\/strong><\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

A woman shouldn\u2019t get emotionally involved with a man until after<\/em> he marries her.  90% of how a marriage goes is set by how a man values his wife, but 90% of her value to him is set by how she values herself.  A woman sets her price by what she does.  If her price is a few dinners, she isn\u2019t worth much.  Her price should be his dedicating his life to caring for her until death<\/em> by marrying her before<\/em> she gives herself to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He Shall <\/a>Rule Over Thee<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Eve wanted independence instead of following God\u2019s perfect leadership (Gen. 3:6[144]<\/a>).  God arranged that her imperfect, sinful husband would rule her instead of God.  Marriage should<\/em> bring a wife joy (Song 8:2-3[145]<\/a>), but she can\u2019t make her husband any<\/em> happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[146]<\/a>).  How happy does he want to be?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife suggests making love 5 times before each meal and before bed to keep husbands happy.  There’s no simple way for a man to keep his wife happy because women differ much more from each other than men do.  Men and women have the same need for belonging to spouses, but they express it differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A wife wants her husband to open his heart to her as often as he takes her and more<\/em>.  That\u2019s how he gets knowledge of her as God expects (1 Pe. 3:7[147]<\/sup><\/a>).  If he opens his heart as sincerely, as deeply, as patiently, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open herself to him, she\u2019ll know<\/em> he belongs to her.  Belonging to each other as taught in the Song (2:16[148]<\/sup><\/a>, 6:3[149]<\/sup><\/a>) gives them both a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A man wants his wife to open her body to him.  She wants him to open his heart to her.  He wants to put himself into her body.  She wants to put herself – her words, her thoughts, her feelings – into his heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He leaves his seed inside her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby.  She wants to leave her essence, her being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about her, how he treats her, and how he relates to her.  People can see<\/em> whether they belong to each other by looking at them or hearing them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman read some of our material.  \u201cI was angry at how much you knew about me,\u201d she said.  \u201cThen I realized you\u2019re clueless, your wife<\/em> told you how women think.\u201d  I had to listen<\/em> and understand<\/em> what my wife said in my heart<\/em> so I could write clearly about it.  God gave me a drive<\/em> to write about marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife helps me write about the emotions of marriage.  Although helping me takes a lot of her time, she likes my wanting her help and appreciating her help.  People who know me at all know that a lot of what\u2019s in our books came from her.  Having her works praise her is one of the rewards of being a virtuous wife (Pr. 31:31[150]<\/sup><\/a>) but that works only<\/em> because I want her help, ask for it, and make sure she has time to help me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman at work tried to attract me.  \u201cI was angry when you didn\u2019t even notice,\u201d she told me.  \u201cThen I realized, \u2018Oh, he belongs to his wife\u2019 so I went after someone else.\u201d  I\u2019m careful to have women in my office meet my wife.  They\u2019ll know<\/em> I belong thoroughly<\/em> to her when they see us together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It takes hours and days of daily back-and-forth talk to be one as Jesus expects (Mt. 19:5-6[151]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women open their hearts to each other all the time and don\u2019t understand how scary it is for men.  1 Cor. 11:9[152]<\/sup><\/a> says that women are made for men.  Few men understand how scary it is for women to belong to men.  They must both take the time and overcome their fears of connecting in the other\u2019s way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chapter 5 – What <\/a>Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Salvation takes your daughter to Heaven, but how she relates to a man has a huge<\/em> effect on how this life turns out for her.  While bringing her up \u201cin the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[153]<\/a>),\u201d you must teach her to honor and respect your wife (Pr. 31:28-29[154]<\/a>).  Seeing you nourish, cherish, appreciate, and honor her mother prepares your daughter to expect<\/em> respect and appreciation from any man who pursues her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the best ways to prepare your daughter to be a good wife is to talk to her.  Men and women have very different ways of talking.  To oversimplify, men talk to report, that is, to tell what happened, women talk to build rapport, that is, to establish emotional connections and share their feelings about it.  Your daughter will expect her husband to open his heart to her.  This scares men.  If she hasn\u2019t learned to handle a man\u2019s \u201creport talk,\u201d she\u2019ll want to put emotion into all her talk which will make talking to her more difficult for him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll have to be careful not to make your wife jealous of your daughter especially if your daughter grows up to be a younger version of her mother.  A wife can become jealous of her own daughter if her husband isn\u2019t careful to reassure his wife of his focus on her<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teach your daughter that the emotions God put into her (Pr. 9:4b[155]<\/a>) provide cement<\/em> by which a wise woman builds her house (Pr. 14:1[156]<\/a>), but she must always rule<\/em> her emotions so that she doesn\u2019t hurt her family (Pr. 25:28[157]<\/a>).  Teach her to explain her emotions so she knows why<\/em> she feels a certain way.  Learning to put words to her feelings helps her explain herself and her needs to her husband.  This makes it easier for him to follow God\u2019s command to dwell with her according to knowledge of her <\/em>(1 Pe. 3:7[158]<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Older women know<\/em> a man\u2019s nature and can discuss the desires God put into most men, but women can\u2019t understand<\/em> any more than a man can understand<\/em> a woman\u2019s attitude toward babies.  Fathers make mistakes: Jacob didn\u2019t keep Dinah away from the \u201cdaughters of the land\u201d and David sent Tamar to comfort Amnon when he pretended to be ill, but fathers have a better understanding of a man\u2019s goal in approaching his daughter than her mother and can warn more strongly and in more detail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Part of the strength of a daughter\u2019s desire for attention from a man is one of God\u2019s punishments of Eve:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband<\/p>\n\n\n\n

, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Genesis\u2019 \u201clightly have lien\u201d explains the natural man\u2019s attitude toward rape, page<\/a> 24.  Fathers must teach daughters to demand<\/em> that a man follow Scripture in interacting with her:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity<\/p>\n\n\n\n

.  I Timothy 5:2<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men and women must treat each other as people; they shouldn\u2019t interact as man and woman.  If a man compliments a woman\u2019s looks or tells her he loves her, for example, he may be trying to guide their talk in an impure direction because he wants her to open her body to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If he does that before he and she are in a position where they could marry, she must quote that verse and say something like, \u201cScripture teaches that you should talk to me as a sister in all purity.  We can work together as people, but not as man and woman.  We aren\u2019t in a position to marry.  You\u2019re an attractive guy; I could easily fall in love with you.  If I fall in love when we can\u2019t marry, I\u2019ll be in a world of hurt.  Let\u2019s keep man and woman out of it and just be people.\u201d  She must also avoid getting physical:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2<\/sup>Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Older women may say not to kiss \u201cbecause it\u2019ll give him ideas.\u201d  That\u2019s wrong<\/em>.  Men don\u2019t get<\/em> ideas, men have<\/em> ideas.  Kissing can give her<\/em> ideas.  When they both have the same idea, it\u2019s very<\/em> hard to stop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug<\/strong> from a partner[159]<\/sup><\/a>  [emphasis added]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Draw a Line in the Sand<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The price of a virtuous woman is beyond rubies.  My wife set her price high by insisting that I agree that being together was to decide whether we\u2019d marry; my life for her life, page<\/a> 26.  She said God made her to be a treasure for her husband.  If I wouldn\u2019t seriously<\/em> consider marriage, she didn\u2019t want to waste time with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On our second date<\/em>, she told me she wanted to be pure on our wedding night.  The Holy Spirit led her to say that, it just popped out.  We had no idea how important that was until our emotions tempted us so that we nearly lost it.  Very few couples can avoid having sex once her<\/em> emotions are aroused, page<\/a> 31.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We know many girls who went to college, met a man freshman year, and controlled their emotions until junior year.  And we expect them to stay pure 2 more years until graduation?  Who\u2019s kidding whom?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A girl we knew found her husband in college.  Her father watched them the summer before her senior year and wouldn\u2019t send her back to college.  She was furious; she wanted another year of courting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I told her that her father was right.  He had a reason which she couldn\u2019t yet understand, and that when she understood, she\u2019d thank him for standing against her, her sister, her mother, and other women in the church.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At a church dinner 3 years later, I went to her table as she was changing a diaper.  \u201cNow that you\u2019re married, do you understand why your dad kept you home?\u201d  She grudgingly agreed.  \u201cHave you thanked him?\u201d  She said she would.  \u201cNow listen,\u201d I said, \u201cyou\u2019ll be the older woman who must teach the daughter you\u2019re diapering when she goes to college 18 years from now.  Will you do that?\u201d  She promised she would.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her daughter married right out of college and had a baby 4 months later.  That was her husband\u2019s failure – women aren\u2019t equipped to be forceful enough to teach this lesson.  It\u2019s the father who protects.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chapter 6 \u2013 A <\/a>Man is Pursuing Your Daughter.  What do you tell him?<\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Jesus told us that men marry; women are given in marriage (Luk. 20:34[160]<\/sup><\/a>).  A wife is a gift from God to her groom (Luk. 17:27[161]<\/sup><\/a>).  You should do your best to be sure the would-be groom is prepared to gently and wisely lead your daughter so that he will receive the full blessing God intends in giving him a wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Christian marriage is incredibly<\/em> simple.  God doesn\u2019t see our sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[162]<\/sup><\/a>, I Cor. 6:11[163]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God\u2019s gift of grace means that He and His Son treat us as perfect (Rom. 8:1[164]<\/sup><\/a>, Eph. 5:25-27[165]<\/sup><\/a>).  Note \u201cwithout blemish\u201d in Ephesians 5:27.  As Jesus sanctifies and cleanses His church, your son-in-law must sanctify your daughter to present herself to himself as a \u201cglorious wife, without spot or wrinkle,\u201d page<\/a> 89.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives.  God forgives completely<\/em>; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:12[166]<\/sup><\/a>, Is. 43:25[167]<\/sup><\/a>, I Cor. 6:11[168]<\/sup><\/a>, Hebrews 10:17[169]<\/sup><\/a>).  When God washes away our sins, what\u2019s left is perfect<\/em>.  Ephesians 5:1 commands<\/em>, \u201cBe ye therefore followers of God.\u201d  God treats us as perfect, so we must follow God and treat our spouses as perfect.  Can this man treat your daughter as God\u2019s good and perfect gift?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the key<\/em> to marriage.  Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, tell everyone your spouse is perfect for you (Song 6:9[170]<\/sup><\/a>), and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6a[171]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage prospers if a husband treats<\/em> his wife as God\u2019s perfect gift to him and she acts<\/em> as God\u2019s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[172]<\/sup><\/a>).  He\u2019s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[173]<\/sup><\/a>, Song 4:7[174]<\/sup><\/a>, 6:9[175]<\/sup><\/a>) as perfect, she\u2019s to serve him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[176]<\/sup><\/a>, Col. 3:18[177]<\/sup><\/a>) even though they don\u2019t deserve each other!<\/em>  Can he forgive her as God forgives him?  Can she forgive him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Will he lead her by serving her?  Is she calm and relaxed about following him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Treating spouses as perfect is simple, but \u201csimple\u201d doesn\u2019t mean \u201ceasy.\u201d  It\u2019s simple to walk from Maine to California \u2013 put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there \u2013 but it\u2019s far from easy.  Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a short stroll across a continent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Rewards of Marriage<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight<\/em> in belonging to him as the wife in the Song of Solomon delights in belonging to her husband.  Assuming he\u2019s saved and has found a job which can support her and a place to house her (Ge. 24:67 page<\/a> 12), you\u2019ll want to discuss Biblical ideas to help him receive all<\/em> the joy God intended for marriage (Ecc. 9:9[178]<\/sup><\/a>; Pr. 5:18-19[179]<\/sup><\/a>, 31:28-29[180]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nourishing and cherishing a wife as God expects is a lot of work; it\u2019s important that he be strongly<\/em> drawn to her.  The time will come when she’s got the flu, she’s pregnant out to here<\/em>, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she’s too sick to do anything about it.  If he’s as smitten with her as the husband in the Song, he’ll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The story of the talents (Lk. 19) teaches that Our Lord holds us accountable for how we administer the gifts He gives us (I Cor. 12:1-18).  God expects a husband to know his wife\u2019s God-given gifts and to encourage her to develop and use them for His glory as they glorify God together (I Peter 3:7[181]<\/sup><\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Jews were exiled to Babylon when they didn\u2019t fulfill God\u2019s conditions.  They possessed the land, but they didn\u2019t keep God\u2019s law (Je. 32:23[182]<\/sup><\/a>) and they didn\u2019t give the land its Sabbaths (II Chr. 36:21[183]<\/sup><\/a>).  They misused the gift, so they lost the blessing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God formed your daughter in her mother\u2019s womb as a good and perfect help meet to be His gift to her husband (Mt. 7:11[184]<\/sup><\/a>, Jas. 1:17[185]<\/sup><\/a>, I Cor. 11:8-9[186]<\/sup><\/a>).  You want your son-in-law to fulfill all<\/em> of God\u2019s conditions when he possesses your daughter so he can receive the full<\/em> blessing of receiving your daughter as an unmerited gift from God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Old Testament explains how.  Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel received from his mother.  She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:<\/p>\n\n\n\n